I've never been very good with definitions when it comes to spiritual paths, but I've always at least considered myself a pagan of some sort or another. However, lately my beliefs have changed so much that I'm wondering if I should really still be using this term. In fact, I'm not even sure I should be considering myself a theist.
As I've mentioned and at times quite publicly displayed (largely within, but not confined to, the 'why bad things happen' thread), I've had quite serious anxiety about the injustices and suffering in the world. It made me angry towards the gods. I was angry to see devoutly religious people being starved or slaughtered on mass. I wondered why their frequent and heart-felt prayers could be ignored. I wondered what kind of deity could ignore the cries of an innocent child in pain. I started to reason that if the gods are real, they either don't care, in which case why should we be bothering with them, or they are powerless, in which case, ditto.
I hadn't stopped believing in my gods, I couldn't because I'd experienced them so I felt they had to exist in some way or another, but I had lost faith in them.
Much soul-searching followed (and is of course on-going), and one of the first pushes was a vision I received in response to the question 'why is suffering allowed'. I already described this here, so I'll just quote for those who missed it;
This wasn't the final answer that allowed me to return to business as usual, praising my gods as though nothing had changed. Instead, it was the first push that set the ball rolling. With this idea in mind, I started to read Francesca de Grandis again. She's a quirky and disorganised witch of the Anderson Feri variety (a branch of paganism from the States that I'm very much inspired by). One of the biggest influences Francesca has had on my working is the use of energy in spellcraft. Rather than casting a circle and calling all kinds of spiritual entities, one simply visualises themselves and the world around them as energy, until there is no boundary between where you stop and the world around you starts. Everything just flowing together, glowing with the same energy. It's simple and for me at least, affective.
To bring myself more in tune with this energetic world-view, and to compliment the cognative therapy I was using to try to work through my anxiety, I started using mindfulness techniques on my walk home from work, and at other times if I felt I needed it. It was through this technique that I had my biggest shift in belief. It came to me so naturally and seemed so logical.
This energy that is in everything IS god. God doesn't care for our suffering because it has no consciousness any more than gravity or magnitism have consciousness. It's just there.
Until that is, the human mind interacts with it. It then takes on all kinds characteristics that seem like personality. However, it is of absolutely no power or use to the human it interacts with until that human identifies the god essence within themselves and projects THAT. Even then, we can only affect change upon ourselves, not others.. because others have their own god essence.
It was the answer to the question of why I should bother with my gods. It explained why suffering was allowed. I was already turning to my inner landscapes through meditation, even stepping out with a brand new one. This all seems necessary in getting to know my own unique god-self.
So.. if I believe that god is nothing more than a mindless, bodiless energy, and if I believe that god is within me and only conscious through me, then am I still a theist? Do I still belong beneath the Pagan umbrella?
I still speak to and envision deity as Goddess and God and specifically in the guises of Brigantia and Bregans. That hasn't changed. Nor do I love them any less than I did before. I just now feel that these beings are just manifestations of this god energy appearing as humans for my own sake.
It's not so much 'God created us in His image' as it is, 'we created God in our image'.
Does this make me an atheist?
As I've mentioned and at times quite publicly displayed (largely within, but not confined to, the 'why bad things happen' thread), I've had quite serious anxiety about the injustices and suffering in the world. It made me angry towards the gods. I was angry to see devoutly religious people being starved or slaughtered on mass. I wondered why their frequent and heart-felt prayers could be ignored. I wondered what kind of deity could ignore the cries of an innocent child in pain. I started to reason that if the gods are real, they either don't care, in which case why should we be bothering with them, or they are powerless, in which case, ditto.
I hadn't stopped believing in my gods, I couldn't because I'd experienced them so I felt they had to exist in some way or another, but I had lost faith in them.
Much soul-searching followed (and is of course on-going), and one of the first pushes was a vision I received in response to the question 'why is suffering allowed'. I already described this here, so I'll just quote for those who missed it;
Originally posted by Jembru
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To bring myself more in tune with this energetic world-view, and to compliment the cognative therapy I was using to try to work through my anxiety, I started using mindfulness techniques on my walk home from work, and at other times if I felt I needed it. It was through this technique that I had my biggest shift in belief. It came to me so naturally and seemed so logical.
This energy that is in everything IS god. God doesn't care for our suffering because it has no consciousness any more than gravity or magnitism have consciousness. It's just there.
Until that is, the human mind interacts with it. It then takes on all kinds characteristics that seem like personality. However, it is of absolutely no power or use to the human it interacts with until that human identifies the god essence within themselves and projects THAT. Even then, we can only affect change upon ourselves, not others.. because others have their own god essence.
It was the answer to the question of why I should bother with my gods. It explained why suffering was allowed. I was already turning to my inner landscapes through meditation, even stepping out with a brand new one. This all seems necessary in getting to know my own unique god-self.
So.. if I believe that god is nothing more than a mindless, bodiless energy, and if I believe that god is within me and only conscious through me, then am I still a theist? Do I still belong beneath the Pagan umbrella?
I still speak to and envision deity as Goddess and God and specifically in the guises of Brigantia and Bregans. That hasn't changed. Nor do I love them any less than I did before. I just now feel that these beings are just manifestations of this god energy appearing as humans for my own sake.
It's not so much 'God created us in His image' as it is, 'we created God in our image'.
Does this make me an atheist?
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