Hello, everyone.
I'll admit, I'm not even sure where to start or why I made an account here. It's an interesting turn of events, and definitely a strange shift in my mindset. To be here. In a place like this. Saying hi to a bunch of people I don't know. Why? Well.. interesting story.
I grew up Wiccan, for the most part. I remember taking a road trip with my dad when I was real young, not even into my teens. We turned the lights out after my dad and I mused over Job in the bible we'd found in the nightstand. I guess he'd found something I said pretty profound, taking it in and wondering how a god would allow something like what happened to Job to occur because, that night, he asked if I wanted to learn magick. I also remember around a similar time, my mom's brother coming out to visit us with his family. They were to baptize his son. My mom asked me to get baptized and I refused. I waited in the car until it was demanded that I go into the church. I remember attending a Sunday school class and just looking on blankly. No appeal.
Of course I said yes! What ten year old* wouldn't?
I didn't realize it at the time, but I spent seven years under his tutelage. I didn't know it at the time, probably because I didn't really know the guy, but my dad turned out to be a pretty powerful Wiccan. Unfortunately, he'd made some big mistakes that backfired on him. Mistakes that myself and my coven, of which he was an in-and-out member, had to deal with later. That's a story for another day.
My time spent as a practicing pagan was measured in years, not including my time in "training".
Over time, I grew jaded. My dad, nearing his death, converted to christianity and then he died. My best friend died. My grandfather died - a death I took rather hard because it was a decision that I had to make. I was angry, and boy oh boy, was my rage practically divine. I suddenly understood the intimately cruel things a god can do, and over time I began to even do some of them myself. I became an atheist and vehemently raged against every religion that existed anywhere, ever. Even my own. I never considered myself a Wiccan per se, I was more of a "This works, I'll use it. This doesn't, toss it" kind of pagan. I took from Wicca, Druidry, Shamanism and many other "paths" and turned them into my own way of doing things, and my own belief system. I taught several others what I did, how I did it and what I believed. But for about 16 years, I was an atheist. I perused things like atheistic Satanism, which are philosophies that I still traverse and adhere to. I leaned into Asatru a bit, but only because it felt like it brought the memory of those who had died a little closer to me.
Then.. something happened. Desperation, maybe? Who knows. Either way, about a week ago, I cast my first spell in nearly 20 years. With that, I think the levy must have cracked because I'm suddenly very interested in picking up where I left off.
I'm still skittish, though. Wounded animals always are.
So here I am. Hello, everyone. Let's get down to business, shall we?
*I was probably younger than that. I'm not 100% sure.
I'll admit, I'm not even sure where to start or why I made an account here. It's an interesting turn of events, and definitely a strange shift in my mindset. To be here. In a place like this. Saying hi to a bunch of people I don't know. Why? Well.. interesting story.
I grew up Wiccan, for the most part. I remember taking a road trip with my dad when I was real young, not even into my teens. We turned the lights out after my dad and I mused over Job in the bible we'd found in the nightstand. I guess he'd found something I said pretty profound, taking it in and wondering how a god would allow something like what happened to Job to occur because, that night, he asked if I wanted to learn magick. I also remember around a similar time, my mom's brother coming out to visit us with his family. They were to baptize his son. My mom asked me to get baptized and I refused. I waited in the car until it was demanded that I go into the church. I remember attending a Sunday school class and just looking on blankly. No appeal.
Of course I said yes! What ten year old* wouldn't?
I didn't realize it at the time, but I spent seven years under his tutelage. I didn't know it at the time, probably because I didn't really know the guy, but my dad turned out to be a pretty powerful Wiccan. Unfortunately, he'd made some big mistakes that backfired on him. Mistakes that myself and my coven, of which he was an in-and-out member, had to deal with later. That's a story for another day.
My time spent as a practicing pagan was measured in years, not including my time in "training".
Over time, I grew jaded. My dad, nearing his death, converted to christianity and then he died. My best friend died. My grandfather died - a death I took rather hard because it was a decision that I had to make. I was angry, and boy oh boy, was my rage practically divine. I suddenly understood the intimately cruel things a god can do, and over time I began to even do some of them myself. I became an atheist and vehemently raged against every religion that existed anywhere, ever. Even my own. I never considered myself a Wiccan per se, I was more of a "This works, I'll use it. This doesn't, toss it" kind of pagan. I took from Wicca, Druidry, Shamanism and many other "paths" and turned them into my own way of doing things, and my own belief system. I taught several others what I did, how I did it and what I believed. But for about 16 years, I was an atheist. I perused things like atheistic Satanism, which are philosophies that I still traverse and adhere to. I leaned into Asatru a bit, but only because it felt like it brought the memory of those who had died a little closer to me.
Then.. something happened. Desperation, maybe? Who knows. Either way, about a week ago, I cast my first spell in nearly 20 years. With that, I think the levy must have cracked because I'm suddenly very interested in picking up where I left off.
I'm still skittish, though. Wounded animals always are.
So here I am. Hello, everyone. Let's get down to business, shall we?
*I was probably younger than that. I'm not 100% sure.
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