Depression

[ThorsSon]

Some of y'all may know me... some of y'al may remember that I turned into a bit of an asshole after a while.

I was in a dark place for a while.

Do you ever go to bed liking you? Do you ever wake up liking you? In general, do you like you?

I don't. I don't like me in the morning, in the evening, at noontime or suppertime. I just don't generally care for me. I'm pretty proud of the things I can do, I know, objectively, that I'm a heck of a guy... but I don't really like me. I don't really even think that I should keep wasting oxygen.

I deal with this, I struggle with this... and I FIGHT every day with this.

You know someone with depression, whether you know it or not. There is someone that you know and love that is hurting right now.

Help them if you can.

I've been diagnosed with depression and OCD, and I'm on medication and in therapy to help (I'm also in AA, and trying to make that work with my atheism).

I've been mostly absent from PF because I was in a really dark place when I was last frequent here, and I know I made an ass of myself... I will probably continue to be a lurker for a while, but I thought I should say "hi"

Also, I'm mostly OK right now, this is not a cry for help, but a PSA... I'm kinda down, but not in one of my darker moments. I just wanted to spread the word. I have love and support, but not everyone does.

Be that love and support to someone if you can.

[Sean R. R.]

Do feel like I might need that kind of love and support at the moment, TBH.

You can't be a bad guy if you realize you're one (paradox?). Kudos for your courage when it comes to battling this kind of problems. It ain't easy, I at least know that.

The best of luck to you, stay strong, stay hydrated.

[anunitu]

I have been down that dark hole,and came out changed and stripped of my anger at life and the jumble of existence.

Hang in there.

[Juniper]

Welcome back TS. It's been a minute. Always great to see you.

[Prickly Pear]

Oh yeah. Depression is the gift that keeps on giving. And OCD is a twisted, nasty companion. They've been known to haunt our house as well. It is good to hear that you have some support. Wishing you continued strength and courage.

[Rae'ya]

Welcome back, TS. I've been there, and I was a bit of an asshole while I was in that hole too. I'm lucky that my depresion was temporary and related to a situation that I was able to change... but I wouldn't wish that particular dark place on my worst enemy. And it has made me a pretty good 'love and support' person (at least Ithink so).

Keep spreading the word. We all gotta look out for each other.

[volcaniclastic]

Heya buddy.

Never for a minute thought you were a dick. Welcome back!

[MaskedOne]

Welcome back!

[anubisa]

Welcome back! I understand what it means to have depression. I have to take meds for my depression. It's hard when you're really depressed. I hope you feel better soon though.

[anunitu]

I think sometimes,I am right on the edge of depression,another person that lived here,just died. He did go quickly,no lingering death,so I count him lucky. Living in an elder housing,low rent but people disappear from day to day. SO,I feel a bit depressed,most of the time. A friend from many years ago,he was in his 80's,and he said the bad part of living so long is having to see your friends go away. and being now myself kind of in that position,I agree with his take on seeing friends die,it eats at your heart.

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This song by Leonard Cohen now runs in my head a lot.

Who by Fire??

https://youtu.be/bntot9LAY08

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This is how I imagine the portal into eternity.


https://youtu.be/qO3o65qXd1Y

[Bartmanhomer]

I know the feeling of depression. I was depressed about 6 years. The reason for it was that my mother died from Type 2 Diabetes. I was very depressed and blame myself for her death. But I realized it wasn't my fault and sometimes I still feel that way. :(

[anunitu]

Never your fault Bart,just how life is,we come,and we go on some calendar of the ages,when it is our time,that is it.

[Bartmanhomer]

Never your fault Bart,just how life is,we come,and we go on some calendar of the ages,when it is our time,that is it.

I know that. I mean I give her insulin everyday but it wasn't enough. I mean if the doctors would find a cure for type 2 diabetes years ago she would've been alive today and I would be very happy to see her. :(

[faye_cat]

Welcome back. I'm so glad you were able to find a way out of the worst of it. It's a struggle and sometimes neverending.

[Bartmanhomer]

Welcome back. I'm so glad you were able to find a way out of the worst of it. It's a struggle and sometimes neverending.I agree with you. Depression is a scary thing to experience.

[thalassa]

hello and welcome back! I'm glad you are getting help and have a good support system!

[anunitu]

Best thing that helped me when I had the major depression,was helping others,in the system to cope,it took my mind off me,and out of the never ending loop of pity me thinking.Positive helped me a LOT. Worked for me,and I was at one time sitting with a gun in my mouth thinking,"why not",so you know I was very down. what stopped that was imagining my son finding me after, could not do that to him.

[B. de Corbin]

Brain issues are a thing I understand. Everybody here understands. Welcome back!

[Bartmanhomer]

I do hobbies such as playing card games and doing tarot reading which helps my depression.

[anunitu]

I know that. I mean I give her insulin everyday but it wasn't enough. I mean if the doctors would find a cure for type 2 diabetes years ago she would've been alive today and I would be very happy to see her. :(

Thing is each of us is born with a terminal illness,I am type 2 diabetic,but not even myself could save" me,if my time is come to be here. I keep to my diet and try to do all the things they tell me "may" protect me from complications,but life is a fickle thing,there were several times I came as close to checking out as one can,and came to in a hospital,with the docs saying,you should be dead,but by a fluke of life,here you are still with us. I have always known I am mortal,and in time the reaper will,come to collect on all my 9 lives. Live long,and prosper as Spock used to say. major thing is enjoy life to the limit,because mortal is all of us. never waste time,it is not endless,the sands will run out.

https://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/1350/5331/products/chechen-smooth_78c88309-69a9-4a25-9147-56b269060d39.jpg?v=1483812145

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[Bartmanhomer]

Thing is each of us is born with a terminal illness,I am type 2 diabetic,but not even myself could save" me,if my time is come to be here. I keep to my diet and try to do all the things they tell me "may" protect me from complications,but life is a fickle thing,there were several times I came as close to checking out as one can,and came to in a hospital,with the docs saying,you should be dead,but by a fluke of life,here you are still with us. I have always known I am mortal,and in time the reaper will,come to collect on all my 9 lives. Live long,and prosper as Spock used to say. major thing is enjoy life to the limit,because mortal is all of us. never waste time,it is not endless,the sands will run out.

https://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/1350/5331/products/chechen-smooth_78c88309-69a9-4a25-9147-56b269060d39.jpg?v=1483812145

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Well at least you know how to take care of yourself. My mother didn't. I always take care of her.

[heylel shalem]

i know logically that depression is a sort of chemical imbalance of some kind. ive tried treating my own depression with pharma drugs, and eventually smoked herbal substances which seems to help but yeah. That darkness has a horrible kinda draw and yeah i've dealt with depression my whole life but I can't help but admit that i do learn things from my bouts of depression. And then i get bouts of insomnia sometimes when im depressed. art is great therapy too btw. found it helps to have some kinda channel for that bile..bleed it out and ride it though

[pragon]

If I may suggest something for you to do: Please keep this in consideration. This is strictly my opinion so you don't have to go with this, if you don't feel its right. It's simply a suggestion. You mentioned you go to AA and your an atheist. I believe this is a bad fit. Why? Because its a system that teaches they hold no religious views, yet they pray the lords prayer which Jesus Christ taught in the bible. This totally contradicts the belief system and makes AA in my opinion, a total joke and a place of mind control/brainwash. Have you ever tried Smart Recovery? They accept everyone regardless of their beliefs. They do not believe in going to god to help fix your problems. Addiction does not exist. You can overcome anything you put your mind 2. Don't let AA tell you that you have a disease. This is totally wrong in my opinion and will only increase your guilt which leads many in AA to relapse. Of course, AA isn't for everybody and some people may find it works great for them.

However, when AA becomes dogmatic and most people in it believe that you have to go through AA in order to be cured, that is when I believe it is a pure cult. Sorry... It's what I believe. Try Smart recovery out. With your atheistic views, I believe you'll find smart recovery a better fit.

[ThorsSon]

If I may suggest something for you to do: Please keep this in consideration. This is strictly my opinion so you don't have to go with this, if you don't feel its right. It's simply a suggestion. You mentioned you go to AA and your an atheist. I believe this is a bad fit. Why? Because its a system that teaches they hold no religious views, yet they pray the lords prayer which Jesus Christ taught in the bible. This totally contradicts the belief system and makes AA in my opinion, a total joke and a place of mind control/brainwash. Have you ever tried Smart Recovery? They accept everyone regardless of their beliefs. They do not believe in going to god to help fix your problems. Addiction does not exist. You can overcome anything you put your mind 2. Don't let AA tell you that you have a disease. This is totally wrong in my opinion and will only increase your guilt which leads many in AA to relapse. Of course, AA isn't for everybody and some people may find it works great for them.

However, when AA becomes dogmatic and most people in it believe that you have to go through AA in order to be cured, that is when I believe it is a pure cult. Sorry... It's what I believe. Try Smart recovery out. With your atheistic views, I believe you'll find smart recovery a better fit.

I am aware of Smart Recovery, but there are no groups in my area... so I used AA as long as I found it useful. I no longer attend AA... but I still have strong support from people I met there, who understand my (lack of) faith and my struggle.

Thank you for your input, and I 100% agree with you about AA as a organization... but the group I found, thankfully was helpful and supportive when I was in need.

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on a completely other note: it is amazing what your new-born son's dark blue eyes looking at you with complete trust can/will do for your self-esteem and motivation.

[kalynraye]

I am aware of Smart Recovery, but there are no groups in my area... so I used AA as long as I found it useful. I no longer attend AA... but I still have strong support from people I met there, who understand my (lack of) faith and my struggle.

Thank you for your input, and I 100% agree with you about AA as a organization... but the group I found, thankfully was helpful and supportive when I was in need.

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on a completely other note: it is amazing what your new-born son's dark blue eyes looking at you with complete trust can/will do for your self-esteem and motivation.


Yes, it is absolutely amazing!

[Sollomyn]

I feel you, brother. I've struggled with depression ever since I was a little kid. I've found that weed has helped, but now I'm a bit of a pot-head, and feel a need to cut back; the problem is the depression which follows after quitting the pot. Quitting it is actually pretty easy; way easier than quitting cigarettes because there's no physical addiction....but the emotional addiction is proving to be a bit of a challenge. Plus it blocks out all my nightmares and keeps me from dreaming (seemingly, anyway); I have some PTSD issues as well. I know therapy helps a lot of people, but I don't trust therapists ever since I was abused by about seven of the fourteen therapists I've had; that, and I just got sick and tired of people trying to tell me there's something wrong with me, so I decided for myself that I wasn't going to let people put me in boxes anymore; that there isn't actually anything wrong with me at all; I'M PERFECTLY FINE! :creepy: :sarcasm:

[ThorsSon]

I feel you, brother. I've struggled with depression ever since I was a little kid. I've found that weed has helped, but now I'm a bit of a pot-head, and feel a need to cut back; the problem is the depression which follows after quitting the pot. Quitting it is actually pretty easy; way easier than quitting cigarettes because there's no physical addiction....but the emotional addiction is proving to be a bit of a challenge. Plus it blocks out all my nightmares and keeps me from dreaming (seemingly, anyway); I have some PTSD issues as well. I know therapy helps a lot of people, but I don't trust therapists ever since I was abused by about seven of the fourteen therapists I've had; that, and I just got sick and tired of people trying to tell me there's something wrong with me, so I decided for myself that I wasn't going to let people put me in boxes anymore; that there isn't actually anything wrong with me at all; I'M PERFECTLY FINE! :creepy: :sarcasm:

unfortunately, I'm allergic to THC, so I can't use it.
I don't know about CBT... never tried it.

I'm sorry about your experience with "therapists."
I do wonder about the percentage of abusive therapists that you've been exposed to... I feel like you should certainly say something (if you haven't), because it would seem that you seem to live in an area where abusive therapists feel that they can come operate.

Beyond that, a good therapist won't try to "put you in a box," but will help you to try to feel comfortable in your own skin.

[Sollomyn]

unfortunately, I'm allergic to THC, so I can't use it.
I don't know about CBT... never tried it.

CBD (I think CBT is different; I've only heard that as an acronym for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy; I prefer DBT myself hahaha.) But CBD, one of the active ingredients in marijuana, could indeed be a possibility, but DEFINITELY talk to your doctor about it beforehand, expecially considering you have anallergy to theother active ingredient. It could be though the CBD oil will work just fine.


I'm sorry about your experience with "therapists."
I do wonder about the percentage of abusive therapists that you've been exposed to... I feel like you should certainly say something (if you haven't), because it would seem that you seem to live in an area where abusive therapists feel that they can come operate.

Beyond that, a good therapist won't try to "put you in a box," but will help you to try to feel comfortable in your own skin.

Indeed; I've seen a few good therapists; all the bad ones were while I was locked up in an abusive residential treatment center for little kids; institutions like that are now infamous for being abusive and corrupt; not sure how much so though when I was a little kid; my parents obviously didn't know upfront. They flew over two thousand miles to rescue me when they started suspecting foul play. Unfortunately legal actions had no effect; they're a multibillion dollar company with armies of lawyers at their disposal; my body's covered with scars from head to to toe; for years I plotted to go back there and make them all suffer for what they did to me, but I decided to get spirituality instead, and prepare myself for a journey into the wilderness far removed from civilized society and all of their wicked ways.

But yeah...anyhoo, haha...Most people seem to think that therapists are hired to give you advice or make you feel better, but it's been my experience that the best therapists did virtually nothing at all haha; nothing other than force me to talk about anything and everything that came to my mind. Sometimes there were a lot of awkward silences, but ultimately I think that was the best way to be a therapist; let the client do all the talking, and just keep asking them questions until the time is up.

Chances are the client will have actually solved their own problem all by themselves; they'd just never had the time or opportunity to actually talk about it with an unbiased outside party haha. Once they were able to say everything out loud they were able to start seeing things more clearly. I've used that trick a lot ever since my last therapist haha; it's almost like magick. :o