Better, but feeling distant.

[Ementine]

I made a promise to myself, that once I found a anti-depressant that works for me and allows me to get life back in order. Well I found out, normally I would be totally against taking medication (other than my BC) but I didn't have anymore options, I needed something to help me. So I'm on a low dose.

Now, here's where you guys come in. I need some advice on small ways I could get myself back into praying and spells. I've been doing some spells, but because of lack of ingredients it's been really lazy and not feeling as passionate as it normally is. I want to do a ritual for me and a friend, but before I do that I need to restore my faith in the Lord and Lady. I have Wiccan influence, as does she but I'm not sure on the correct names for Them.
I am also totally lost on even getting involved in it all again. Any tips? Or suggestions or infortmation on anything at all? I have a need to learn something new, but I don't completely trust internet sites since I'm not sure what is true and what isn't.

[Gardenia]

Re: Better, but feeling distant.

For incorporating prayer, I would suggest making a small altar somewhere in your room. It doesn't have to be big and flashy, but it can be nice to have that little dedicated area to pray at. Building the altar doesn't have to be done in a day, either, but you can slowly add to it over time. Doesn't have to be expensive - lots of neat altar items can be found right outside. You can include some simple God and Goddess symbols (drawings, simple items, stones...), or just one central symbol for Deity in general. It can be helpful to have that visual daily remember of your path.
Then, the best way to get back into praying? It's just to do it. Set aside some time and just pray, daily if you can. Read a prayer if that helps you get back into it, or pray your own words, or just sit quietly... whatever you think would work best for you right now.

I have a need to learn something new, but I don't completely trust internet sites since I'm not sure what is true and what isn't.

First, just because something is in a book doesn't make it true. Trust me, there is a ton of factually incorrect information in books about paganism. That said, what sort of things are you looking to learn? I mean, this is only a big issue if you're looking to learn historical stuff, or other facts... If you're just looking for meditation techniques, or rituals, or whatever... well, experiment and see if they work for you. As far as anything else, just look to a lot of different sources, and if it's something historical, look to scholarly sources as well. Cross reference stuff, and it becomes less of a problem.

I've been doing some spells, but because of lack of ingredients it's been really lazy and not feeling as passionate as it normally is.

Spell work doesn't need ingredients. They're nice to have, and yes they can be helpful, but you can do spells without a ton of tools and items. You could also look into doing spells with stuff you can get from nature, rather than relying on buying supplies all the time. (For example, some small oak sticks and red string can make a nice protection charm.)

[Ementine]

Re: Better, but feeling distant.

Well I have my alter, I just feel like I either need to add something new to it or learn something new that will help me. Like anything at all, I've just had trouble with getting myself to go online and trying to look up Eclectic pagan things because it's so broad of a topic. I might do it tomorrow, but I just can't do it tonight.

I feel like I am failing the Lord and Lady because I can't bring myself to sit there and pray anymore, I just don't have enough reason to do it. I'm still trying to get used to my medication and I just don't feel the need to pray right now, but I need to be doing something with my time.

I can try and go out and look for things, but I live in an area with a lot of people and not much I can use. I don't really want them to see me either. I might go out, but right now I just don't know. I'd rather be getting the things I've wanted to get online, but I don't have the money for it at all.

[Gardenia]

Re: Better, but feeling distant.

I feel like I am failing the Lord and Lady because I can't bring myself to sit there and pray anymore, I just don't have enough reason to do it. I'm still trying to get used to my medication and I just don't feel the need to pray right now, but I need to be doing something with my time.

Don't worry about the Lord and Lady here. If there is a Deity (or Deities) they probably understand that sometimes we have to stop and get our crap together, right? So it's really a simple decision to make. Either you want to start praying again, and you put your excuses aside and do it. Or, you don't want to start again right now, and you don't, and there's nothing wrong with making that choice right now. You need to decide what you want, and what will be best for you.

I can try and go out and look for things, but I live in an area with a lot of people and not much I can use.

Not buying it. You describe where you live as 'surrounded by trees,' and I know the size and style of your town because I've been there. I can guarantee there is a ton of stuff around you, you just need to learn what that stuff is. If you want to learn something new, that might be a good place to start.

I don't really want them to see me either. I might go out, but right now I just don't know. I'd rather be getting the things I've wanted to get online, but I don't have the money for it at all.

Not wanting people to see you is reasonable, but really, you can be discreet and no one is probably going to notice or care.

I mean, you've been told time and time again that you make a lot of excuses whenever you're given advice or ideas, and that's what this post comes down to. Your altar is lacking. (If you got tons of new stuff tomorrow, would it really help, or are you just making excuses as to why you can't do something?) You just can't do it. You don't feel like it. You want to get things online but have no money, but don't want to look into other options... It's the same thing as I said about prayer. Either you want to do it, and you do it - or you don't. If you don't want to do it, right now or at all, that's fine... but if you do, then you need to start doing. That's all there is to it.

[Ementine]

Re: Better, but feeling distant.

Like I said, I can try and go out tomorrow. But I don't know how I'm going to feel when I wake up in the morning, I'd go right now but it's almost 12am. After I posted that I got offline for a bit and thought of a way to try and go find things, I just have to go and do it tomorrow depending on how I feel.

I'm getting one of my spending cravings, which I hate because it's wrong of me to want to buy nice things for myself when I have no money and even when I do have money I still can't spend it on myself.

I'm going to do what I can to fix this, but I have to just play it day by day. Right now I feel amazing, but I don't know if I will still feel like that in the morning after my chores.

[Zephyranth]

Re: Better, but feeling distant.

Well I have my alter, I just feel like I either need to add something new to it or learn something new that will help me. Like anything at all, I've just had trouble with getting myself to go online and trying to look up Eclectic pagan things because it's so broad of a topic. I might do it tomorrow, but I just can't do it tonight.

I feel like I am failing the Lord and Lady because I can't bring myself to sit there and pray anymore, I just don't have enough reason to do it. I'm still trying to get used to my medication and I just don't feel the need to pray right now, but I need to be doing something with my time.

I can try and go out and look for things, but I live in an area with a lot of people and not much I can use. I don't really want them to see me either. I might go out, but right now I just don't know. I'd rather be getting the things I've wanted to get online, but I don't have the money for it at all.

First of all, being Eclectic means that you can pick our the things that you want to keep and leave the things you don't. Therefore, you choose what is true and what isn't. But still, always check a few different sites. Remember that there are as many Pagans as there are sources, and therefore just as many opinions. I would suggest redoing your altar. Seriously, take it apart, clean everything, put it back together in a new way. Just to shake things up for yourself.

Also, you aren't failing Them. They are the sort of family that isn't always found here on Earth. They aren't criticizing you... I, too, have spent a lot of time looking for names for Them. I've actually just recently decided. I would suggest first deciding on your pantheon. www.godchecker.com is a really good site to just figure out what deities you might be thinking about looking at. It has some really cute little blurbs on a lot of different gods and goddesses just to get familiar with them

[Gardenia]

Re: Better, but feeling distant.

Like I said, I can try and go out tomorrow.

Um, not to nit-pick, but you didn't say that. You said you can try, but there wouldn't be much, then said you might, then said you didn't know... I certainly wasn't expecting you to drop everything and go right now. Or even tomorrow. However, if you're looking both to learn new things, and to get things for spell work, it would certainly be a good place to start.

I'm getting one of my spending cravings, which I hate because it's wrong of me to want to buy nice things for myself when I have no money and even when I do have money I still can't spend it on myself.

It's not wrong to want to buy nice things for yourself on occasion. However, it is not necessary to always be buying things to practice your spirituality. More importantly, I don't think it would help anything here. Yes, you may feel motivated when you get your shiny new item... but for how long, and then what? Don't get into a cycle of always needing to buy or otherwise acquire new items.

I'm going to do what I can to fix this, but I have to just play it day by day. Right now I feel amazing, but I don't know if I will still feel like that in the morning after my chores.

Nothing wrong with taking things as they come. Figure out what you really want, why you want it (don't fall into 'because I should,' or feel guilted into it for some other reason), and work on your goals when you can. Everyone has bad days, but when the good days roll around don't make excuses, and don't put things off if you really want to work on them.

[Ementine]

Re: Better, but feeling distant.

Um, not to nit-pick, but you didn't say that. You said you can try, but there wouldn't be much, then said you might, then said you didn't know... I certainly wasn't expecting you to drop everything and go right now. Or even tomorrow. However, if you're looking both to learn new things, and to get things for spell work, it would certainly be a good place to start.

I contradict myself a lot, it's a problem I have. I am still getting used to the whole, taking time to get used to a new idea and then reply thing. I tend to just write down whatever I think about.

Depending on how hot it is tomorrow I might be going for my walk, I'm just not sure.

It's not wrong to want to buy nice things for yourself on occasion. However, it is not necessary to always be buying things to practice your spirituality. More importantly, I don't think it would help anything here. Yes, you may feel motivated when you get your shiny new item... but for how long, and then what? Don't get into a cycle of always needing to buy or otherwise acquire new items.

When my family has as little as it does now, I feel bad for buying myself something. When I get a job I still won't have much because I am going to help out my mom and go out and buy her something nice.

[Gardenia]

Re: Better, but feeling distant.

I contradict myself a lot, it's a problem I have.

I've noticed... because, after reading your original post, and then reading your first two replies, I'm not really sure what you're looking for, here.

When my family has as little as it does now, I feel bad for buying myself something. When I get a job I still won't have much because I am going to help out my mom and go out and buy her something nice.

Like I said, there's nothing wrong with wanting to buy yourself something nice on occasion. Helping out is good, but you need to take care of yourself too, and little treats are a part of that. That said, I don't think it's really relevant to your spirituality. You don't need to buy things, and you don't even need to go foraging for things really. Things are nice, sure, but they don't make the path, and getting caught up in the idea that you need to buy things to practice is going to do you more harm than good. (I mean, why do you need to buy things online again?) Particularly if it becomes an excuse to put off practicing. You need X, but have no money, so no practice... see, that's not good.

[Ementine]

Re: Better, but feeling distant.

I just think that maybe I just need something to cheer myself out, the meds haven't fully kicked in and even then I do need a higher dose because this is just the starting doses. But I am also trying to get out of the house a lot more, even if I just go for a walk down the road, I need to get out.

I just see people with a lot of nice things and it drives me mad when I know for a fact half of them were just handed to them for almost no reason and I have very little, but more than most would expect. I have jealousy issues, I just want to have something new that is all mine that I can say I found or made. I'm going to hope for little rain tomorrow and try and get to the park.

[Gardenia]

Re: Better, but feeling distant.

I just see people with a lot of nice things and it drives me mad when I know for a fact half of them were just handed to them for almost no reason and I have very little, but more than most would expect. I have jealousy issues, I just want to have something new that is all mine that I can say I found or made. I'm going to hope for little rain tomorrow and try and get to the park.

Eh, think of it this way, what would you value more... something that was just handed to you for no reason, or something you worked hard to buy or make for yourself? Don't worry about what others have, or how they got it, there's always going to be someone out there with more than you.

[Ementine]

Re: Better, but feeling distant.

Well I was able to get outside a little bit today, but I didn't find much.
It's really eating away at me that I want to get myself something nice, but I can't. Nor can I even look for anything because it will just make me feel worse. I start school in a month, hopefully the work study program too and the day before school starts is my birthday. So until then I have no way to get money at all, or even a way to contact the most important person to me to make myself feel better.

[Gardenia]

Re: Better, but feeling distant.

It's really eating away at me that I want to get myself something nice, but I can't. Nor can I even look for anything because it will just make me feel worse.

Well, I do understand wanting to pick up something nice for yourself, but not having the money, however you could always do something else for yourself. You mentioned wanting to learn something new, so think of that as a treat to yourself - one that'll probably be more useful than something bought, anyway.

[Ementine]

Re: Better, but feeling distant.

I can try. tomorrow I am getting up early to go to my gram's then going to a thing at my little sisters school.
I've been trying to think of ways to make myself feel good about myself and feel pretty, but I haven't been able to lately. I should be looking up stuff online, but I just haven't done it. I've been having a pretty down day and unsure of when I'll be able to get to bed tonight.

[AuroraWinters]

Re: Better, but feeling distant.

Don't be so hard on yourself. I know what it's like to constantly be beating myself up because I feel like I should buckle down and do certain things, but I just never do. I always have an excuse and then I feel bad for making excuses... so on and so forth. I think what I've learned from all this is, as was already stated, either you really want to do something so you do it, or you don't really want to do it that badly. I can make up a ton of excuses for not doing pretty much anything. But every time I've really wanted to do something, I've found a way. If I wasn't really ready, it showed in my procrastination. You tell yourself that you should, or that you think it would make you feel better, but do you really want to put forth the time, effort, money, and energy? If you don't, that's ok. Give yourself a break.

Personally, I've found I become more productive when I allow myself to take a break. Instead of going every day saying "Ok, I was lazy all this time so I have to do something today" and then feeling disappointed in yourself when you don't, make your goal of the day to just not worry about anything and be totally lazy. Those "lazy" days that you feel so bad about, they weren't really a "break" because even though you physically did nothing, you were berating yourself mentally the whole time instead of giving your mind a real break. Give yourself a legit vacation and then come back and see if you actually feel motivated. If you still don't, don't force it. It's taken me many times of drifting away from certain things in my life, coming back, drifting away again, and coming back multiple times before I was really ready to commit to something. If you find yourself spending more time making a list of reasons why you can't, rather than finding different ways to make sure you can, then maybe you're not really there yet, and that's ok.

If there are deities watching over you, they're not tapping their feet impatiently, waiting for you to get with the program. They'll still be there when you're actually ready, and maybe after going through some more things in life, you will truly feel connected to them and ready to worship without hesitation.