Searching for something?

[Naiad]

I'm new to the forum and have a million questions to ask but I went with this one because I think it's going to help me the most right now.

"I'm looking for something" is the exact thing that got me to really commit to paganism about a year ago. It seems really vague but some people I guess might already know what I mean. I was born and raised christian and around two years ago it started to feel like something was missing...So I dropped that whole thing and started looking for another religion that more closely suited my feelings. Paganism was the closest thing I could find. And I'm really sure that what I'm looking for is somewhere inside of it. I get this gnawing feeling sometimes that gets triggered by random things. I'll be outside on the porch and see a rabbit just kind of sitting there and I almost have this mind-blowing realization but its just a little bit out of my reach. Sometimes it happens when I'm browsing the internet and I go on week-long searches for information that apparently isn't there. I'm pretty sure what the thing is- its information or knowledge of some kind, I just don't know what the genre of it is. I get an impulse to look, but whether its because I'm not persistent enough or because the answer just simply isn't where I'm looking, I find nothing. It feels almost like I haven't eaten in forever. I'm just dying to know something and I don't even know what it is I want to know.

If anyone has had a similar experience or knows the kind of thing I'm talking about a push in the right direction would be the most amazing thing ever. Maybe even your story, if you have one? Or a teacher? Just anything. Stumbling around in the dark for this like an idiot is driving me insane.

[Malflick]

Re: Searching for something?

First off, Welcome to the forums Naiad!

I usually avoid answering questions in the Pagan Spirituality section, being that I'm not Pagan, but I think I can help you in this case. However, I understand that a lot of people come here for perspectives specifically from their fellow Pagans, so just ignore this post if me butting in here makes you feel uncomfortable . After all, this is about your spiritual growth in whatever way you need it, so don't let me being the first one to comment get in the way!

I think I know what you're feeling-- I've felt it before, an insatiable longing for knowledge triggered by the world around you, an unquenchable thirst to fill a void inside you that can't easily be filled. Now, for me I've found what I was seeking, though not all at once and not in the places I thought to look.

Now, for myself personally, I worship YHWH, the Christian God, and I found that through both some personal experiences, writing, and spending time in nature, just sitting and realizing an unending stream of details and truths about the world amidst the forest.... But searching for the answers to what is missing for you will take finding how to find it, if that makes sense. Some people search through creating art, writing, drawing. Some search through communing, with nature, with an element, with spirits or angels or fae or God or Gods or a Goddess or Goddesses....

Go where you find a connection. It might be the internet, or a woods, and... Try to calm yourself, and let your mind be still. Pray, meditate... Whatever works for you, and try to find what you feel in that setting when your mind isn't in a rush. Open up to that feeling. Talk to it. Maybe you'll find something there. Maybe you won't. Maybe you've already tried this. But its worth a shot. Answers are hard to find, but they are within you, and without you, deep inside .

I wish you luck on your spiritual journey and I hope I was helpful in some way!

[B. de Corbin]

Re: Searching for something?

Instead looking for a system that supports/upholds ideals you already accept as true, work backwards - create a system that works for you, and reject that which doesn't work within it ...

[Gardenia]

Re: Searching for something?

I'm pretty sure what the thing is- its information or knowledge of some kind, I just don't know what the genre of it is.

I think that, unfortunately, makes it hard for anyone to really point you in the right direction. There's just so much information out there, you know? It can be hard to guide without at least a general direction.

I agree with the others, though. It might be worthwhile to start meditating, praying, start collecting the bits and ideas that you find work for you in some way. Keep reading, see what speaks to you (even if it's just in fragments), and what doesn't. Eventually you might have enough information to know which direction to look in for more... Hopefully that makes sense.

[Heka]

Re: Searching for something?

Instead looking for a system that supports/upholds ideals you already accept as true, work backwards - create a system that works for you, and reject that which doesn't work within it ...

I agree, it's what I'm doing.

[Laketear]

Re: Searching for something?

Very similar experience to my own especially the part where it feels like you're going mad for not finding anything. I'd often feel restless and at a loss and the suggestion to write about it didn't help much either it wasn't just me not knowing what I was looking for, I also had the to desire to speak alas my hand would freeze over the paper pen in hand and everything. *Sigh* Finding a good creative outlet does help a lot if you can find one but the best advice I can give you that works for me...sometimes, is when these moments of restlessness hit you STOP. Don't do anything first just take a deep breathe and concentrate on your surroundings and just breathe in the air around you for a bit because if you go off in a mad rush to search for...well whatever it is you know not what, you may actually miss what's really right in front of you.
If what you're searching for is really and truly important and meant for you then it will come to you in its own time and not before not amount of searching will help you'll just waste your time and energy, have faith.
(Btw it could also just be your hormones...Ah, youth. *Sigh*)
But that's just what works for me and helps me get through those times, I can say I don't get the restless feeling quiet so often now but I could be going about it all wrong and whatever I'M searching for is really just passing me by...I don't mean to scare you this is just me personal experience and opinion.
Take everything with a tablespoon of salt...or teaspoon I forget how much but you get the idea.
It's like the young boy in front of the wisened sage asking for wisdom and answers but he won't sit still, "what you are feeling is but a brief moment in time, in the long stretch of eternity so...enjoy it. This moment see it for what it is, proof of that you are alive and that the divine is with you, right here in this moment with you speaking to you. Have no fear for I am with you always."
And all that jazz....