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kalynraye
15 Jun 2015, 22:33
I watched a video last night that was of Mark Canlis at Roots of American Food, its about taking care of those that work in the hospitality industry. His ideas are mind blowing to me, and completely inspiring. If I could I would pack up everything we owned and move us to Seattle to work for this man.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=au1fe9p67wc&sns=fb

And from this video its brought a lot of questions to the light that I and the women I work with have. Five years ago when I started at the hotel three of us formed a friendship that has lasted. In the last year we have all gotten married and two of the three of us have bought houses, and it seems the next step is babies. We all three want them but with them comes lots of other responsibilities and hard decisions.

We are at points where we want to spend time with our spouses and take care of our homes. We don't want to spend 10-12 hours a day at work but we also don't want to give up what we've worked for. I love working dinner service. I love working dinner service on the weekends. I love that adrenaline, that fire, and I love when I have truly made someones dinner something special. It doesn't happen all the time but every now and then it blows my mind to have a guest walk up to our line (were an open kitchen) and say "Hey Chefs, dinner was great and you guys are doing an amazing job! Or when a server comes up to me and goes "Hey will you wave at 302 you made their dinner tonight and they loved watching you, its the best Salmon they have ever had."

So how do we have it all? How do you have it all? The time to spend at home, to raise your kids (or furrykids) to maintain your home. To keep your relationships going and still have a successful career? Because I don't want to give up my career. I don't want to give up all that I have worked for but I don't want to get a divorce 5,10,15 years down the road because my job took prescience over my relationship with my husband.

And we've pondered this a lot lately it seems. Sometimes to ourselves and sometimes with each other. If I'm going to have kids I want to be a part of their raising. I don't want a Nanny to do it but from what I've seen I have to sacrifice something. I either give up that time with my husband and kids for that career or I give up that career...

They are hard questions for me and I feel there are no easy answers. I want it all and to eat my cake too but I don't know how to accomplish it.

thalassa
16 Jun 2015, 05:11
So how do we have it all? How do you have it all? The time to spend at home, to raise your kids (or furrykids) to maintain your home. To keep your relationships going and still have a successful career?

You can't. The idea that you can have it all is a myth. Maybe if you are independently wealthy or married tosomeone that is independently wealthy...but you can't have it all. You can either have one or two things all the way or you can have everything a little bit. But you will always have to give up a little to have a piece of everything.

Nue
16 Jun 2015, 08:45
Even if you did have it all, image the level of stress you may end up getting from just trying to -maintain- it all!

kalynraye
16 Jun 2015, 23:27
Lol in all honesty I deal with high stress situations every day so the stress doesn't bother me. What bothers me is being put in a put on lunch and never moving up because my availability has decreased so I can be home. That I am no longer considered worthy to work that line.

I know I have to make sacrifices because I'm not nor is my husband independently wealthy but I am not keen on giving up so much. With the loss of hours I put in the likelihood I will be passed up on a promotion grows. Which could hurt us financially as well. I do want it all. I want a schedule that's flexible where I can be home more nights then I am now but still have the opportunity to work dinner service and not get passed up. I want to be able to raise my children and have a good relationship with my spouse.

I don't know why I have to give it up when (and no offense intended) a man does not. Yes I have seen it, they are congratulated and patied on the back and then "new" positions become available because now they have to support a family now, and shifts are moved around so they get to spend time at home with their new family. But the last female line cook we had who became pregnant they encouraged not to come back. We don't want mothers in a kitchen. But father's we are all for.

- - - Updated - - -

Also forgive any typos I'm on my tablet and I'm sure there are plenty.

- - - Updated - - -

One more add, I know that some men do face the same dilemma, my Dad never moved up when he worked at the orange tool store because he was a single parent and had a very set schedule so he could be home to take care of us at night. But overall I feel there is a huge inequality in this.

DanieMarie
17 Jun 2015, 01:46
To be honest, I think you -can- have it all here, IF social support, work values, and all that jazz stay as they are. A 40-hour work week is still the norm here, and we get excellent benefits like parental leave, child support benefits, health care, etc.

The problem is, work culture is getting too English. I won't single out one country, because they're all equally bad. When I moved here, people worked to live and productivity per hour was pretty impressive. People went to work, did there jobs, and then went home. There were a few workaholics, but their lifestyle was not considered the norm. Now, more and more people are spending longer and longer hours at work. Productivity per hour is dropping and there is no solid sign that any more work is coming out of these increased hours, and there are a lot of days lost due to things like stress, illness and burnout (thanks to paid sick leave, we at least still get that). But many companies just aren't seeing it. I think it partly comes down to sheer greed, and party due to the fact that there are more and more managers from English speaking countries here that think that's just normal (it's not....not here).

Then again, there are enlightened businesses that allow job sharing, part-time work, flexible work, and sensible full time work hours, so there's hope. The government is trying to push those, because right now, the German job market needs workers and most policy makers realize that they're still losing a lot of women in the workforce. So, they want to encourage family-friendly work practices to keep people working.

Due to the EU work time directive, employers aren't even supposed to have work hours longer than 48 hours a week. Unfortunately, it's not very strictly controlled. Still, I guess it's taken seriously to an extent. I know a few people who work a lot of hours, and because they're technically not supposed to, they always seem to be able to take extra holiday days (on top of the 24 paid working days - not total days - you already are legally entitled to).

Anyway, I hope our rights stay protected, because I think it makes "having it all" pretty reachable (when "all" means a job, relationship, and family and not like a boat or huge house or something like that).

That all being said, values are a lot different here. Most people don't really seem to care if they get super rich or successful. They just want a job that gives them a comfortable living, that they can leave at the end of the day.

thalassa
17 Jun 2015, 03:46
I know I have to make sacrifices because I'm not nor is my husband independently wealthy but I am not keen on giving up so much. With the loss of hours I put in the likelihood I will be passed up on a promotion grows. Which could hurt us financially as well. I do want it all. I want a schedule that's flexible where I can be home more nights then I am now but still have the opportunity to work dinner service and not get passed up. I want to be able to raise my children and have a good relationship with my spouse.

I don't know why I have to give it up when (and no offense intended) a man does not.



Men don't have it all either. They have their own set of cultural and societal expectations to live by too, when it comes to work and family. I know plenty of men that have been passed up because they put their family first. And plenty of men who no longer have a family that wants anything to do with them because they put work first.

That's just part of life. You will always have to compromise or give something up to do something else. No one lives in a utopia where you don't have to make sacrifices. Sure, some jobs will let you have *more* of family time, etc...but (as they say in the Navy), "choose your rate (your job), choose your fate".

And no matter what you do, there will always be things that happen that you can't reschedule or move to suit you---even when its something as simple as having to decide whether to missing a kid's recital because of a work confrence, or miss the work confrence for the kid's recital. I have great benefits (ample sick time and vacation time) and a job that I can take off just about whenever I need to and still get paid and I never work weekends or evenings and I only work 40 hours a week (no budget for overtime)...but sometimes stuff just has to get done. No matter how understanding my boss is (and he's pretty understanding since he wife was a teacher and he was the one that had to call in when the kids were sick during the school year), I can't take off every day that I want to to do something for or with my kids.

This weekend I could have taken off to take the kids to see their dad, except that I have stuff to get done at work. So I have to wait til the 4th of July. My husband didn't *have* to go to Georgia for a month and then extend for another month, but they needed his expertise and he makes more money when he travels with overtime and per diem--which means more in the budget to fix my car's AC. Just yesterday, my babysitter went and took picutres of my daughter's honor roll assembly because I had to sample a job--its a job that only happens every couple months, and it had to be sampled quarterly because of safety regulations, and there wasn't anyone else to do it. Don't get me wrong, taking time off won't affect whether or not I get promoted, but if I want to do my job well, sometimes family has to be a second priority when there isn't an emergency.

You chose a job that practically requires you to work according to your customer's demands if you want professional success...that's dinner. Probably lots of Friday and Sat nights. That means that you either figure out how to adjust your homelife (for future kids) accordingly (this is why some families homeschool) so you have time with them, or you accept that you can only advance so far at work. That's just life.

Hawkfeathers
17 Jun 2015, 04:26
I guess I'm lucky in that I never wanted "it all". I was always childfree so I didn't have that as an issue. You hit the nail on the head here, though: - - - Updated - - -

One more add, I know that some men do face the same dilemma, my Dad never moved up when he worked at the orange tool store because he was a single parent and had a very set schedule so he could be home to take care of us at night. But overall I feel there is a huge inequality in this.[/QUOTE]

When I was going to grad school at night, suddenly my boss wanted me to stay late, on class nights. Starting with my 2nd semester, I told him the wrong nights, and no more conflict. They will do anything to keep control over you. It doesn't matter if you have a kid, an elderly parent, a 2nd job, or a dog that needs walking. They want your allegiance and availability. You are bringing money to them. That is their only use for you.

The 1950's model of "the company man" was a married man whose only focus was his career. I was raised in that kind of home. My mother did everything pertaining to the house. There were basically 2 people working on 1 career. Dad didn't even have to pick out his clothes - they were laid out for him in the morning. (I wanted to be him when I grew up! ) This model most benefits the company, and it's still used today, in varying degrees.

Jembru
17 Jun 2015, 05:39
It's a question I've mulled over a lot before. I too work in a job that only pays a comfortable wage because of the hours we work. Our hourly rate is pretty poor. 14 hour shifts are normal in my place (although my standard shift length is 10 hours because day shift starts at 8am and ends at 10pm). I have the option of picking up extra hours, and I probably work about 6-10 hours over on an average month. I could do more, but I already find that balancing a 'normal' life with the unusual work pattern is tough. If I were to work even more hours, I just couldn't enjoy what I'd worked for.

Of course, it's further complicated by the fact that I support my mum who is long-term unemployed. A large chunk of what should be my disposable income goes to my mum every Friday, so I've had to make lifestyle sacrifices that I wouldn't otherwise have had to. It kinda sucks, and some days I really resent it. Which makes me angry at myself because it's not my mum's fault that the company she worked for went bust, or that employers judge her because of her age, health and duration of unemployment.

So.. I've been looking into another line of work. I'm thinking of becoming an NVQ assessor for Health and Social care. I've explored the idea before and I'm more than qualified to do the job, but I was warned that it's not unusual to have 40-50 students on your books at any one time, and that if you don't drive, a disproportionate amount of time will be taken up with travelling to your student's places of work, making your workday impossibly long. The money is a few grand a year more than I have now, but my job has other benefits, like being very relaxed, allowing me time to study Japanese, meditate, and do yoga, all while on shift, meaning I can spend less of those precious hours outside of work, on those pursuits.

So.. for now, I think I am better off where I am. I don't have it all, by any stretch, but it seems right for the time being. Once my mum sells her flat (which can't happen until her dog passes away), she'll be able to pay off her dept, move into rented accommodation that she'll get government support for, so I won't have to give her money anymore. I'll be able to afford to learn to drive, get a car.. then take that NVQ Assessors job, working from home, managing my own schedule.. being able to earn a better salary... Assuming I haven't thought of something I can do without a car by then. I bloomin' hate cars and never wanted to drive. I've always felt kinda smug that having a simple life, no car and being vegetarian made my carbon footprint tiny compared to your average Brit. I'd miss those bragging rights.

But for now nothing will change until Oscar dies, and he's well cared for, so this rut could continue for years yet...

DanieMarie
17 Jun 2015, 05:51
^^

Y'know, though, there are some situations where it's justifiable to drive, and having to travel from place to place throughout the day is one of those. I hope it works out for you!

ancienttrees
22 Jun 2015, 14:21
Iv been working 84 to 93 hours a week seven days a week for a few years now, doing two jobs. The only reason is to hit goals quickly so we can build the life we want faster. So since November it was for our handfasting and next month its for our house deposit. Then Il drop down to more sane hours. I wouldn't recommend it but it works, and these days I don't think any jobs safe. I do scratch my head at what other twenty odd year olds are doing but I guess Iv grown up quicker. I did watch a documentary on youtube I think it was called Without Bound perspectives on mobile living. I wasn't interested in mobile living but it really changed my thinking on the, 'always gona have the bigger tv or fancier car' idea. There's definitely an end point to ease working overtime and start seeking out adventure. Mental health, drugs, abuse etc effects the rich just as much, happiness can't be bought.

Munin-Hugin
22 Jun 2015, 14:37
I have to echo the feeling that I've never wanted "it all". And I suppose that is one of the major reasons why my first wife is now my ex wife. The degree, the house, the kids, the career, the big family ...

I never finished college, having only completed two and a half years or so before I just really couldn't be bothered anymore. I was working part time to give myself some spending cash since my folks were kind enough to pay for school, but I couldn't understand why I was working HARD to get letters on a piece of paper when I could work HARD and get a good paycheck. So, I dropped out of college and began to work full time. Years later, when my grandmother passed, I bought her house at the age of 30 so I suppose that milestone was achieved, but it's taken me 8 years later to fully realize what I have and to start making it my own. As for kids, I've determined long ago that I was too selfish to have them. I enjoy my time to myself, playing games, going out to eat, all that stuff, and feel that I would start to resent my children for taking that away from me. My wife now agrees, and though we would drop everything if she did become pregnant, it is not something we are actively trying for. As for a career, it's a matter of just working to make ends meet. The job I'm in has no chance of advancement, but hte hours are steady and good, the benefits are nice, and the pay is ... decent.

kalynraye
22 Jun 2015, 19:09
When I say having it all I don't mean a big house with fancy cars and being a stay at home mom who does Pilates 3 times a week with my own personal trainer. My having it all is continuing in my chosen career field, being financially stable and making time to have a relationship with my spouse and future children. I know somethings will have to be sacrificed but finding the perfect balance is what I want.

I almost feel bad for wanting to continue my career AND have kids. I love what I do, I love feeding people, I love the people I work with and I love the opportunities that I am given on a daily basis. But I also want kids. I want that chance. I know it can be done, I've seen it done it just seems daunting sometimes...

Hawkfeathers
22 Jun 2015, 20:32
In the USA, this used to be a choice. In the 1960's, hippies proliferated in Haight-Asbury CA and Greenwich Village, NY, where they'd play music in the street for tips, and maybe work occasional waitress-type jobs, as opposed to playing the corporate game their parents played. This was an option because rents were cheap compared to pay. Nowadays, that freedom is not there. You don't choose a simple life by working a low level job; you choose homelessness. The gov't. put the kibosh on all that freedom stuff as soon as they saw where it was heading.

ancienttrees
22 Jun 2015, 21:37
We've worked out in rent money saved vs mortgage payments as houses are cheap in my area, my partner can go from 48 down to 24hrs a week, so a part time job. Though she'd be more then happy just to be a house wife and do crafts lol, Reminds me of my grandad saying in the 1930s/40s his sister used to by dye every month and dye her one shirt so people thought she had a new one, as dye was cheaper then a shirt.

Jembru
22 Jun 2015, 22:27
Where in Durham are houses cheap to buy? I'm in Tyneside and would never find a place in a decent area that would allow mortgage payments that are less than my current rent. I'd have to live on or near a rough area, and even then I'd need to save for another 5 years to pay the deposit, and be trapped into a mortgage until my 60s.. somehow finding the money for the home and contents insurance, roof repairs, boiler repairs..

I have a few friends living in Durham and it's a really sought after area for pensioners retiring. So where are these low cost homes hiding?

thalassa
23 Jun 2015, 05:13
I almost feel bad for wanting to continue my career AND have kids. I love what I do, I love feeding people, I love the people I work with and I love the opportunities that I am given on a daily basis. But I also want kids. I want that chance. I know it can be done, I've seen it done it just seems daunting sometimes...


Sure you can have a career and have kids and a relationship. It take an incredible amount of compromise, sacrifice, and suck-it-upedness. It is still a trade-off.

thalassa
23 Jun 2015, 10:57
Probably relevent to this conversation: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/06/23/talia-goldstein-pregnancy-hidden_n_7645988.html

DanieMarie
23 Jun 2015, 11:36
Probably relevent to this conversation: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/06/23/talia-goldstein-pregnancy-hidden_n_7645988.html

I think it's an even harder battle in the US as well, because most states don't have proper maternity leave, let alone paternity leave. Not enough men take leave here to make a huge impact on the situation, but they can, and it's slowly gaining some ground. Pretty much every man I know wants to take several months. I think that as more guys feel that way and having a baby becomes a 50/50 kind of deal, the more women will feel secure in their jobs when they get pregnant.

So, maybe not my generation, but hopefully the next one has a shot.

thalassa
23 Jun 2015, 13:36
I think it's an even harder battle in the US as well, because most states don't have proper maternity leave, let alone paternity leave. Not enough men take leave here to make a huge impact on the situation, but they can, and it's slowly gaining some ground. Pretty much every man I know wants to take several months. I think that as more guys feel that way and having a baby becomes a 50/50 kind of deal, the more women will feel secure in their jobs when they get pregnant.

So, maybe not my generation, but hopefully the next one has a shot.

TBH, I found the idea of an extended maternity leave to be a bit superfluous--I'd rather have toddler leave...or just more time off or reduced hours until they start school. After the first 6-8 weeks (for body healing purposes), babies are really pretty easy until they start crawling.

ancienttrees
23 Jun 2015, 18:45
Where in Durham are houses cheap to buy? I'm in Tyneside and would never find a place in a decent area that would allow mortgage payments that are less than my current rent. I'd have to live on or near a rough area, and even then I'd need to save for another 5 years to pay the deposit, and be trapped into a mortgage until my 60s.. somehow finding the money for the home and contents insurance, roof repairs, boiler repairs..

I have a few friends living in Durham and it's a really sought after area for pensioners retiring. So where are these low cost homes hiding?

Hi Jembru, a fellow North Easterner!
Go on Zoopla, search houses for sale set the value to 30 or 40k max. Set the area to search as Consett and radius say 6"miles. If you want a more rural area and positively a quiet place to live look up Tow Law. A four bedroom house sold for 36k built of stone. Most terraced houses have cellars there. Living in Durham youl want a car but some decent bus connections are about in Consett's main terminal, Chester le street sports a 24hr bus route to Newcastle and train station.Keep out of South Moor/Grange Town/Ferry Hill and Chilton, some people have tried to buy houses and gentrified them but its up hill.
An underrated place like Annfield plain, is really under valued. Your only talking a 10% deposit so 3-4k to buy one. If you do some digging there are houses just out in small groups. Id post links but I'm too new to forum. Compared to my house I rent which is 120k to buy, we v paid 17k in rent in three years lol it's laughable or you'd cry! I mean 495 a month to live in a new build and rent, or own a home for 160 a month. It gets even more crazy when you look at pre-recession prices. The main reason they are cheap is that the further you are away from the three cities, the longer you have to travel to work. If you cant get there you cant work, or not very much. Just look over the boarder at Hexham, its really expensive but they also have good factories near by. When you start looking, some of them have these long run way type gardens or an array of out buildings they haven't put pictures up of. As I understand it Seaham is also part of Durham, its close to Sunderland, also other surrounding villages.

DanieMarie
24 Jun 2015, 01:13
TBH, I found the idea of an extended maternity leave to be a bit superfluous--I'd rather have toddler leave...or just more time off or reduced hours until they start school. After the first 6-8 weeks (for body healing purposes), babies are really pretty easy until they start crawling.

Yeah, but you get a total of a year here (14 months if you're a single parent or the husband takes at least 2 months of his available leave), and you can organize it however you want. That means that you can take part time leave for a longer period of time, and all that jazz. Women only get 14 weeks of full-paid leave and after that, the couple can split the partly-paid leave however they want as long as the person claiming the benefit doesn't work more than 30 hours per week. You can also take an additional 2 years of unpaid leave after that, if you want. Although it's unpaid, parents who have young children who stay at home are entitled to a care-givers benefit from the state.

We're moving towards a state-supported daycare program for kids who aren't in school yet. Technically, every child older than 12 months old has a right to a spot in a daycare. The cost of a state-funded can be as low as 70 Euros per month, but cost and access to these daycare facilities depends on the area. Parents also get a tax break for children to help offset childcare and rearing costs, and get a child allowance of around 180 Euros per month per child until the child turns 18 (you get more for your third and fourth children, too).

Germany has one of the lowest birth rates in the world, so they're really, really trying to get people to have babies. Women sort of shunned the idea for a long time, because for a long time, women were still socially expected to give up their jobs when they had kids, and most of the childcare responsibilities got shifted to the mother. Now, things are changing, slowly. Germany is trying to get fathers more actively involved in childcare, and trying to ease some of the burden that families have while raising kids. I don't think we're "there" yet, and some of the reforms will probably take decades to really work their way into society (like the majority of fathers taking leave), but I think we're taking the right direction. I think having kids here still involves a lot of compromise, but from reading this entire thread, I think it's a LOT easier here than it is in other countries.

Basically, there's a really big reason I'm reluctant to leave this country while we're planning on having a family. The benefits given to families here are amazing and it's really hard to find countries that offer as much.

iris
24 Jun 2015, 01:38
Yeah, but you get a total of a year here (14 months if you're a single parent or the husband takes at least 2 months of his available leave), and you can organize it however you want. That means that you can take part time leave for a longer period of time, and all that jazz. Women only get 14 weeks of full-paid leave and after that, the couple can split the partly-paid leave however they want as long as the person claiming the benefit doesn't work more than 30 hours per week. You can also take an additional 2 years of unpaid leave after that, if you want. Although it's unpaid, parents who have young children who stay at home are entitled to a care-givers benefit from the state.

We're moving towards a state-supported daycare program for kids who aren't in school yet. Technically, every child older than 12 months old has a right to a spot in a daycare. The cost of a state-funded can be as low as 70 Euros per month, but cost and access to these daycare facilities depends on the area. Parents also get a tax break for children to help offset childcare and rearing costs, and get a child allowance of around 180 Euros per month per child until the child turns 18 (you get more for your third and fourth children, too).

Germany has one of the lowest birth rates in the world, so they're really, really trying to get people to have babies. Women sort of shunned the idea for a long time, because for a long time, women were still socially expected to give up their jobs when they had kids, and most of the childcare responsibilities got shifted to the mother. Now, things are changing, slowly. Germany is trying to get fathers more actively involved in childcare, and trying to ease some of the burden that families have while raising kids. I don't think we're "there" yet, and some of the reforms will probably take decades to really work their way into society (like the majority of fathers taking leave), but I think we're taking the right direction. I think having kids here still involves a lot of compromise, but from reading this entire thread, I think it's a LOT easier here than it is in other countries.

Basically, there's a really big reason I'm reluctant to leave this country while we're planning on having a family. The benefits given to families here are amazing and it's really hard to find countries that offer as much.

Our system works much the same, though I don't know if the maternity leave can be split with part time work.... I don't think it can. But we do have state funded daycare, and it works quite well. Until about age 3 they're in smaller institutions or private homes, and then they move to kindergarden... I have to look in to how our maternity leave works, because germany sounds pretty awesome.

DanieMarie
24 Jun 2015, 02:53
Our system works much the same, though I don't know if the maternity leave can be split with part time work.... I don't think it can. But we do have state funded daycare, and it works quite well. Until about age 3 they're in smaller institutions or private homes, and then they move to kindergarden... I have to look in to how our maternity leave works, because germany sounds pretty awesome.

I'm not sure either, and to be honest, I don't know exactly how it works here other than the fact that you can't work more than 30 hours per week. I think they wanted to encourage people (especially women) who didn't want to take a year of full-time leave to have kids.

I think Denmark's system is pretty awesome too, though. Denmark is on our "green list" of places we'd move after my boyfriend finishes school (it's a really short list that basically includes Denmark, Sweden, and the Netherlands haha).

Munin-Hugin
24 Jun 2015, 05:12
This thread has been on my mind this morning. I don't think that you can, in fact, have it all. At least, not fully. It's not having it "all", it's about having "enough". It's about reaching that point where you can be contented with what you have. It's a problem that you see every day in the news, in the car next to you. People want more and more, not because they need it, but just to have it. Learn to love what you need, what you already have, and you'll find that you don't want much else.

DanieMarie
24 Jun 2015, 06:54
What if all you want is enough? Like, I actually don't want more than I have. I'd like to move to a house when we have kids, but based on real estate prices in the city (where I currently live) vs. the areas of Brandenburg surrounding Berlin, that's a totally doable thing. I don't want a car, or different stuff, or more things, or more travel. I'm happy with what we have now. When we have kids, I'm sure there will be some compromises in terms of career, travel, friends, and other things, but I don't really feel like having "enough" is any less desirable than having it "all." We already have it all. When we have kids, we'll still have it all, but in a different way, because we'll have less of some things (time with friends, time/money to travel) and more of others (family).

Jembru
24 Jun 2015, 17:20
What if all you want is enough? Like, I actually don't want more than I have. I'd like to move to a house when we have kids, but based on real estate prices in the city (where I currently live) vs. the areas of Brandenburg surrounding Berlin, that's a totally doable thing. I don't want a car, or different stuff, or more things, or more travel. I'm happy with what we have now. When we have kids, I'm sure there will be some compromises in terms of career, travel, friends, and other things, but I don't really feel like having "enough" is any less desirable than having it "all." We already have it all. When we have kids, we'll still have it all, but in a different way, because we'll have less of some things (time with friends, time/money to travel) and more of others (family).

This is my feeling. Well, most of the time. I go through phases, usually when I'm feeling depressed anyway, when I get frustrated at my lot. Most of the time though, I feel glad that I've at least gotten this far. I'm comfortable, well fed, warm.. able to keep my mum off the streets, and I'm well-loved (I'd argue it's not deserved, but I've managed to find a few folk mad enough to love me.. not least of all that silly old JP!). I will allow my wants to change as and when my financial situation changes. What I consider necessary for a good life, being dependant on what I can afford. That way, should we ever be wealthy enough to give a child a good life, I may well change my opinion on having children. Right now though, JP and my special little fur baby, are all the family I need... And I'll continue to justify that choice with my rants about population growth and child poverty.. :p

kalynraye
25 Jun 2015, 11:56
What if all you want is enough? Like, I actually don't want more than I have. I'd like to move to a house when we have kids, but based on real estate prices in the city (where I currently live) vs. the areas of Brandenburg surrounding Berlin, that's a totally doable thing. I don't want a car, or different stuff, or more things, or more travel. I'm happy with what we have now. When we have kids, I'm sure there will be some compromises in terms of career, travel, friends, and other things, but I don't really feel like having "enough" is any less desirable than having it "all." We already have it all. When we have kids, we'll still have it all, but in a different way, because we'll have less of some things (time with friends, time/money to travel) and more of others (family).

I agree. I am not looking for more just a way to balance it out. Like I have stated previously I love my job and what I do. I am more then happy with what I own, and I love the life that my husband and I have made. There are days when life isn't perfect, when I am completely stressed out but those days are few and far between.

I know my "having it all" are doable, men and women do it everyday. They make adjustments and changes and yes even sacrifices on a regular basis. And that's what I wanted to know. How do you manage to "have it all"? This all being your life. How do YOU and your family manage? How do you make it work? I see stay at home at home mom bloggers on a regular basis showing off their crafts and the fun things they do with their children. You can read about what they give up to do that and that is awesome. But what I want to see are those moms/dads who work 40 hours+ a week, that still make time for their kids and spouse.


Probably relevent to this conversation: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/06/23/talia-goldstein-pregnancy-hidden_n_7645988.html

Yes to this. I think about this a lot actually. Another position has opened up and I want that promotion but we have also talked about possibly coming off birth control in September. I am applying for it regardless but the thought of getting it makes me wonder if I should come off my birth control. It makes me wonder if they will doubt my ability. Its nice to see that there women out there who face similar problems (I know they do but reading it is nice)

DanieMarie
25 Jun 2015, 13:59
I get where you're coming from now. It sort of seemed like more of an "is it possible" kind of question.

We don't have kids, but we are in a long-distance relationship, which involves a lot of planning and compromise. So right now, my life is more about work and "together time" than it is about friends. We make time to talk every night. I usually call him before I go to bed, but sometimes I leave Skype on so he can call me (I'd leave it on all the time, but my computer tends to turn itself off after a while and I usually forget). We schedule visits every couple of weeks or so.

I freelance, which means that I can work when I want, where I want. That might sound easy, but it's actually not. You can easily get into workaholic traps when you freelance, where you feel like you should be working all the time. I try to avoid that, because I tend to burn out after a while. I keep my sanity and health in good shape by setting goals each week and delegating most of my work to "office hours." That being said, there are nice parts to working at home. I don't have to spend time going to and from work, which gives me about an hour or so of extra time per day. It's also a lot easier for me to cook all of my own food, which I have to do because I'm allergic to ready meals (pretty much all of them).