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Gleb
20 Jul 2015, 12:20
Hello everyone! :)
Here is the thing - I have a friend who's 2 years older than me. We talk often via facebook, sometimes skype. The problem is that she always runs away when it comes to standing her ground or doing big deeds like getting out of her "village", go to college, get a degree and become independant. Many people did that, so there is absolutely no reason for her not to. She's also quite lazy. However she's also very kind and loving.

Now she's 20, after high school with no plans for the future. At all. She lives in USA, btw. I understand when people take a break from high school and go for a trip or something like that, but all she does is depending on her parents.. When I try to convince her to start learning for the driver's license, gather some money for a car and then she'll be able to do the rest of stuff, she runs away and says she doesn't have any resources. I-n-t-e-r-n-e-t!!!
She says it's too much for her to do. I never said this should be done quickly!!!!! But having totally no plans for her life?

Sorry if it sounds like a rant, I just don't know what to do. Sometimes I think only a life changing even will ever trigger something in her body..

Any ideas?

anunitu
20 Jul 2015, 12:25
I really do not understand,BUT people are all different. When I turned 18,I was hot to trot to get out there and meet the world head on(I was as some described me,an adventurous soul)

I liked adventure and I think a little danger as well..I did survive,but I had a few close calls and missed dieing by a quirk of fate.

Some people want to be protected by others,and some want to go as fast and make their own mark on the world..


Gleb,it is not up to you to change her,if she can change,it will be because she can.

Malflick
20 Jul 2015, 12:29
For some people this can be really hard. She might need to see a therapist about this, because she needs to develop her independence.

Try positive rewards. Try encouraging her with giving her something if she goes out and does something. See if that helps.

CrystalJackal
20 Jul 2015, 12:46
Does she aspire to do anything? Does she have any goals at all? If she doesn't have a single thing she wants to do with her life, and wants to sit there watching tv for all eternity, you need to give her a reality check. Fact is sitting there doesn't bring in money. You have to make her realize she is an adult now. I know this sounds harsh, but you need to tell her she needs to put on the big girl pants and take responsibility for herself.

And also, maybe she's scared. She might be afraid to grow up, to take that big step and realize you're an adult now. She could be trying to live her childhood forever instead of accepting she's a grown up now. I can understand that- one time I started bawling becuase someone told me I was too old to watch Scooby Doo. Realizing you aren't a 7 year old anymore, that you're getting older and your life is changing, is terrifying. So that might be why as well.

Also, she might not believe in herself. She might not believe she can do it. Encourage her, tell her you believe she can accomplish great things.

If she DOES have things she wants to accomplish, then you have to tell her she can't accomplish those things if she never gets up off the couch! Help her imagine her ideal future, and then help her work out how she can get there. Then show her that she CAN get there.

MaskedOne
20 Jul 2015, 12:57
Don't.

Literally, don't. You're an ocean away and about to be tied up several years with the Israeli military. You can encourage her but this is not a situation that you have any real power to influence and trying to take it up as a cause is only gonna give you heartache. She has to make her own way. You can support and advise but more than that isn't available to you at this point.

anunitu
20 Jul 2015, 13:19
I will tell you where she will be if she does not begin to become an independent person. It is also possible her parents are part of the problem. In a group therapy sessio0n I was in,there was a man who was 52 years old,had lived with his parents his whole life. He did NOT drive,would not ride the bus to the therapy session,and his parents drove him there. In some ways I thought his parents created this dependent human by doing everything for him. In the session he talked about how he wanted to be involved with a woman,and interestingly when I said to him,you must go out and get her because she will not magically appear at your door,and your parents can't get her for you,He got upset and I thought he was going to cry. At that moment,I knew,this guy would not survive long if his parents died(they both were in their 80's) he most likely would end up institutionalized because he had NO life skills period.

CrystalJackal
20 Jul 2015, 13:27
I will tell you where she will be if she does not begin to become an independent person. It is also possible her parents are part of the problem. In a group therapy sessio0n I was in,there was a man who was 52 years old,had lived with his parents his whole life. He did NOT drive,would not ride the bus to the therapy session,and his parents drove him there. In some ways I thought his parents created this dependent human by doing everything for him. In the session he talked about how he wanted to be involved with a woman,and interestingly when I said to him,you must go out and get her because she will not magically appear at your door,and your parents can't get her for you,He got upset and I thought he was going to cry. At that moment,I knew,this guy would not survive long if his parents died(they both were in their 80's) he most likely would end up institutionalized because he had NO life skills period.

That's scary.......... see I'm like you. I wanna get out of here, I want to blaze my own path. There are so many things I can't do while I'm with my parents. I want to accomplish things, I have goals.......... I want to rescue animals, I want to become an artist, I want to move to California, I want to see real Orcas (In the wild, not theme parks). As soon as I graduate I'm going to college in CA to major in art and I hope I never have to come back to the south, I hate it here. I want to be a concept artist and no one is going to tell me I can't.

I could never imagine not wanting to do anything with your life........

Maythe
20 Jul 2015, 13:52
Might there be some untreated anxiety stuff going on here?

Otherwise I agree with masked one. You can't and shouldn't try to make her do anything. It's her life and, in my experience, nagging people to do stuff you think they should do is a quick way to put them on the defensive and have them withdraw from the relationship. Yes it will be sad if she totally fucks up her life but ultimately you don't have any responsibility for her actions and her timetable is her own. About all you can do is be positive about things she does do, gently (gently! and be prepared to hear no) introduce the idea of therapy and listen to her.

Willow
20 Jul 2015, 14:38
I'm with Masked on this one. Just don't.

For one, it's not your place to tell her how she should or should not be, what she should or should not do, etc... Some people develop slower than others and find their footing a bit later in life. If you want to be her friend, a real friend, you will support her with her own choices and thus help her build her confidence within her own choices. Not tell her what she should be doing and how to go about doing it.

For another, you can't know exactly what her life is like. There may be several factors in her world that you simply aren't shown that may be causing her to stay put for the time being. Only she can walk her path, you can't walk it for her and you can't drive her into making the choices you would make in your own life for your own reasons.

CrystalJackal
20 Jul 2015, 14:51
I'm gonna take back what I said earlier......... I'm with Masked. I was focused on HOW you should convince her, I didn't really consider whether you SHOULD.

You're really sweet for worrying Gleb. And I know how you feel. All of my closest friends live far away, in other countries. I met them online..... and when they need help, a hug even, I can't do much. That's the only problem with the internet.... it really doesn't replace being right there.

But in the end, there's only so much you can do. You're a good friend for wanting to help her. You really are. And I really applaud you for it. But as Ljubezen said, only she can walk her path. Just make sure you're always there for her, and you're being a good friend. Trust me, sometimes just listening is all you need to do to help someone. <3

Malflick
20 Jul 2015, 14:53
I also admit I was wrong and side with masked.

Gleb
20 Jul 2015, 21:10
Wow, so many replies in one night.. Thank you guys so much!

MO - you're right here. I'll do my best to encourage her. I guess trying to influence will be quite a headache.
She really doesn't seem to have any goals for the future. She's too connected to her new established pantheon. Almost all she does is talking about it. I asked her once about her plans for the future.
She said she wanted to have a "normal", life with friends, family, et cetera... Well it's clear that she wants everything to be done for her by her parents.. Or maybe she just waits for the prince on the white horse..

Thanks again, everyone for your support! :) :) :)

thalassa
21 Jul 2015, 03:44
I know its been said...but you can't make someone change.

Honestly, this is her parent's job to take care of. (In my parenting philosophy, I consider it #7 on my "goals of parenting" list). Assuming you've read the situation right (you are fairly insightful, if something else was going on, I'd think you would have picked up on it), this is one of those "tough love" situations, over loving and positive support (which at this point is more like being an enabler)...but (to reiterate), that isn't your responsibility.

anunitu
21 Jul 2015, 07:40
I had to kind of push and prod my son to help him out of the nest..He got mad for a little bit,but then I explained that he needed to learn to take care of himself,because(And this is a line most parents use I think) I will not be around forever. It can be tough because sometimes the kid resents what you do for more than a few years,BUT if you wait long enough they will come to you and thank you for the push. Being a parent is not for the weak,as a parent you want to keep them safe and protect them forever,but you have a responsibility to make them strong enough to handle the world.

- - - Updated - - -

I need to add something here...I grew up on welfare,with my Mother and 3 siblings,when I turned 18,my mother said to me "Get a job,or get out",in my case I had joined the navy while still in HS and still 17. They let me have my last summer and I reported in August on a Friday the 13th in 1965(lucky number BTW) I knew I faced the draft,and I liked the idea of being a sailor(my favorite uncle was a navy Vet)..He was at pearl harbor when it got hit...was wounded but survived..

Gleb
21 Jul 2015, 10:29
Thal - I know it's not my responsibility. Of course, you and anu are right here and she has to do things herself, when it comes to this. It's just a bit hard for me to sit back, knowing she won't do anything with her life and waste precious time and possibly some good years of her life instead of using them somehow.

We had an agreement, that once I get my degree (which is going to be after a good long while) both of us move into one apartment. Now I realize it's not gonna happen and I'll have to do things the old way - myself. But that doesn't bother me. The only thing that does is that she wastes her time. But like all of you said - I should back off and let her do it herself.

Juniper
21 Jul 2015, 12:09
My mother is very much the kind of person that once we (her children) were of age, we had two options, in order to live under her roof. Go to school (college) or get a job and pay rent to her. Then there's moving out. I had a job since I started my senior year of high school. I "took off" 3 months when we moved from Michigan to Washington and she flipped out at me for not having a job or going to school. I started both in June of that year. A year later, I moved out. I've NEVER borrowed money from my parents. In fact, I've lent money to my mom, lol.

Not everyone has the same parent teachings or ambitions to do things in life. If she always has an excuse to not do something, there's likely an underlying issue. May not be laziness. Could be anxiety or depression. Health issues. Regardless, she's going to have a very rude awakening one day if she doesn't stop up and get her life in order and it's not your job to make her "grow up" ( for a lack of a better term) and I know you're aware of that. It's nice that you're showing the compassion to help her but you can only do so much and the bottom line is, it's HER life.

Gleb
21 Jul 2015, 12:30
Thank you. :)

Gleb
22 Jul 2015, 01:25
I must admit depression also plays a part in her life and is caused by a specific event in her religion. Unfortunately she's not as strong psychologically and it affects her more.

Luna
28 Jul 2015, 13:56
Gleb as many have said it is not your responsibility. Still it just shows how sweet and caring you are.

I saw someone her talking about anxiety. But she does sounds a bit similar to some of my friends dealing with depression.

Azvanna
05 Sep 2015, 02:15
Don't.

Literally, don't. You're an ocean away and about to be tied up several years with the Israeli military. You can encourage her but this is not a situation that you have any real power to influence and trying to take it up as a cause is only gonna give you heartache. She has to make her own way. You can support and advise but more than that isn't available to you at this point.

Agreeing with MO on this one. This is drama you don't need. It sounds like she likes her life the way it is.

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Thal - I know it's not my responsibility. Of course, you and anu are right here and she has to do things herself, when it comes to this. It's just a bit hard for me to sit back, knowing she won't do anything with her life and waste precious time and possibly some good years of her life instead of using them somehow.

We had an agreement, that once I get my degree (which is going to be after a good long while) both of us move into one apartment. Now I realize it's not gonna happen and I'll have to do things the old way - myself. But that doesn't bother me. The only thing that does is that she wastes her time. But like all of you said - I should back off and let her do it herself.

Oh I've just seen this, sorry. Well done. :) Except maybe if you keep up your end, she may keep her part of the agreement. Sorry to drag this up. I really should check dates before posting again.

Gleb
05 Sep 2015, 03:17
Agreeing with MO on this one. This is drama you don't need. It sounds like she likes her life the way it is.

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Oh I've just seen this, sorry. Well done. :) Except maybe if you keep up your end, she may keep her part of the agreement. Sorry to drag this up. I really should check dates before posting again.
Don't worry about the dates, Az. :)

As many of you told me - I left this alone and decided to let her parents do their job and I try to encourage her to do different things herself.