View Full Version : I feel intruded upon

19 Nov 2015, 16:56
My wife went with me to therapy tonight. I had suggested it since she was trying to contact my therapist after we had, literally, the first big fight in 20 years together a couple of weeks ago.

I thought I would be ok with it, since we didn't discuss anything she and I hadn't already talked about...but now I'm really not ok with it at all. I feel like my privacy has been violated.

It seems like anytime I get angry about something, she blames my mental health. She's admitted to reading my journal when I wasn't home...now she's looking to my doctor to validate her opinion. Which, by the way, he didn't tonight. He actually made the same points I made to her when we cleared the air last week.

That's why I've avoided really talking about my beliefs with her. They've changed so much over the years...but she'll think it's because my sanity is in question.

Nothing I can do about it at this point...just needed to vent somewhere that I know she won't think t go behind me I guess.

19 Nov 2015, 18:30
Hickory, I do not know you or your situation will enough to be able to say anything with any degree of certainty, but it sounds like you have a long term relationship that is lacking some measure of trust on both sides. Peace.

19 Nov 2015, 19:19
Her reading your journal is a huge invasion of privacy. I hope that you can talk about that with her and make it clear how you feel. Blaming all of your relationship issues on your mental health is just plain unfair, and is unproductive.

19 Nov 2015, 21:02
AS someone with quite bad depression who's partner has quite bad anxiety All I can say is we HAVE to be open to each other about everything - both of us have full access to each others e-mail, forums and our friends know to contact the other if they get concerned about one's behaviour - we have to act as checks and balances on each other. it's the only way either of us copes with our own problems is being in a fully supportive and honest relationship.

part of that is the open nature of our relationship I suppose - but the most successful closed relationships amongst our friends operate the same way.

I can only say that Honesty, Trust and Support are what I believe are the pillars of a good relationship. She seems to be failing at least on the support pillar. Talk to her about it in a calm and open manner maybe? I'm sure youve been there for her in the past when shes needed your support

22 Nov 2015, 09:49
Thanks, everyone. Trust has never been an issue before now, and I know she doesn't intend any malice by it - it's genuine concern. It's not that I write anything I wouldn't want her to read - most of the time we end up talking about it later anyway, once I've processed it. It's just the principle of it - that's my only sanctuary. I spend my down time in the living room, in my chair, where everyone can see and interact with me - that's my only place I can say (or write) everything I'm thinking. Most of it is pretty tame, unless I'm really spun up about something - and even then I usually write until I come around to more rational, objective thoughts.

As for her going to my therapy session, I'd rather it be with me than independent of me - unless she's going for her own reasons. Maybe that will help her get past whatever she thinks is going on in my head.

23 Nov 2015, 04:24
I completely understand about the journal / privacy thing. It takes a special kind of person in a very trusting situation to allow other people to read their innermost thoughts, and not giving that person express permission can be quite a blow to that trust. Even if it's not meant to be malicious or controlling, even if it's in the best of interests, people need to feel that their inner self is secure from invasion unless they choose to share it.

I keep my own journals for my innermost conflicts. I have my own demons that follow me around from day to day, and they pop up when it's very inconvenient sometimes. The best way I've ever found to challenge those situations is to write down all the facts, all my feelings, and then revisit the entry later and normalize it. Work through it. But I've never been able to do that with an audience. I had my journals read before without my knowledge by people who were only ever out to hurt me, and that alone made me stop writing for years (which didn't help my mental state in the slightest). Because of all that, I made sure to have that talk with my spouse that I do need some semblance of privacy when it comes to my internal thoughts and I need that process to stay mentally leveled out. He understands, but my journals are always hidden, password protected, or locked in a safe. Not because I don't trust he won't look through them, but because I need to know I have that extra level of security so what happened in the past with that invasion of privacy never happens again.

The point of all that is, it's ok and perfectly normal for you to need that sense of privacy with this part of your life. You can choose to share it if you wish, if you feel comfortable to, but you aren't at all obligated to. And if you need to keep those raw emotions of yours private until you've had a chance to process them, it helps everyone involved if you explicitly state that before any uncomfortable situation happens. You can't necessarily stop that other party from then invading your privacy, but you made your wishes known and from that point forward it's no longer a matter of misinterpretation or ambiguity.