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Bartmanhomer
27 Jan 2016, 16:13
Today I went to another forum and I read a friend thread about how she return to her ex-boyfriend. Her ex-boyfriend got a long history of domestic abuse. Anyway I PM her criticizing about why did she return her ex-boyfriend and history is going repeat itself. She said it was a psychological thing and she can't help it. Do you think it was the right thing to criticized her or should I been a bit more sensitive about the issue? I understand it was her choice but it was a very bad choice in her part.

EndlessCravings
27 Jan 2016, 16:45
I mean, I don't know. Tough love seems to work with someone. It's her choice and she'll learn form her mistakes. At one point she'll leave the relationship when she's had enough. What kind of abuse is the ex giving her?
I'm not saying you need to be sensitive or criticize her but don't grill her about it. You're her friend and care about her but if it's a psychological thing then it is what it is. Maybe she's codependent? Either way she will leave...or not.

Bartmanhomer
27 Jan 2016, 16:52
Well her ex-boyfriend beat her up. And thankfully she left him completely.

EndlessCravings
27 Jan 2016, 16:59
Well her ex-boyfriend beat her up. And thankfully she left him completely.

Okay. So she's not in the relationship anymore? Then why did you make this thread?

Bartmanhomer
27 Jan 2016, 17:03
The reason why I make up this because I need people feedback that's why.

EndlessCravings
27 Jan 2016, 17:04
The reason why I make up this because I need people feedback that's why.
Whatever you say.

faye_cat
27 Jan 2016, 17:36
As a friend, it's not your place to "criticize". Show concern, ask if she wants to talk about it, etc, but to criticize ,unsolicited, isolates the victim even farther and increases the likelihood they'll return to their abuser.

Reasons for a victim returning to their vary, but there is so much psychology at play it's hard to tell with such vague details. But anyways, just show support to her, especially if she already knows he's an abuser, and let her know that you are there for her when she's ready to leave. Don't let the abuser isolate her.

Bartmanhomer
27 Jan 2016, 18:17
I know that I sound like a villain to my friend. But I did it for a very good reason. I was trying to look out for and I was just trying to be a good friend to her. And I know how domestic violence works. I watch so many talk shows to hear victim being abused by their abuser and it never works out in the end.

habbalah
29 Jan 2016, 14:44
Today I went to another forum and I read a friend thread about how she return to her ex-boyfriend. Her ex-boyfriend got a long history of domestic abuse. Anyway I PM her criticizing about why did she return her ex-boyfriend and history is going repeat itself. She said it was a psychological thing and she can't help it. Do you think it was the right thing to criticized her or should I been a bit more sensitive about the issue? I understand it was her choice but it was a very bad choice in her part.

If you've never been in an abusive relationship, you don't understand. An abusive partner breaks you down emotionally and mentally. They tell you you're worthless, crazy, impossible to deal with, and you're so lucky that they can put up with you. And you believe it, because it's what you hear every day. No. Criticizing her was not the right thing to do. If anything, it pushed you and her further apart. If this comes up again, be supportive and talk to her about what happened last time. It will go a lot further.

Hickory67
29 Jan 2016, 20:48
My daughter was in an emotionally abusive relationship for almost 2 years. It was difficult to resist our protective instincts - criticism of him made her defensive and strengthened her resolve to make it work, just to prove us wrong.

Once we got our reactive urges under control, my wife and I started addressing his negative aspects in less critical and more constructive terms, and she reached the right conclusion on her own.

Another word of advice: in sensitive issues like this, I'd solicit opinions or feedback before addressing it with the individual.