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Bjorn
18 Mar 2016, 11:29
I just realized that I am an alcoholic.*

I'm ruining my life. I blackout often and then say and do horrible things that I don't mean and would never do otherwise. Poor Patrick, I wouldn't be surprised if he leaves me because I'm not at all myself.*

I think I've been an alcoholic for years. I think I've been using it as a way to avoid every problem I've ever had. My psyche is unraveling.*

I'm getting the number of a sponsor but I feel like I need more help. I can't afford rehab and I am a militant atheist so AA isn't my thing but I am crying out for help.*

Help me. Please.

DanieMarie
18 Mar 2016, 11:47
First of all, I think it's really brave of you to confront it. That's such a huge first step, and it's a really important one. I think you know that you need to get help, and the second step is to find some support in your area.

AA does have groups for atheists and agnostics. Are there any like that near you? Maybe some of the American members know more about the kinds of alternative support?

At any rate, stay strong and hang in there. If you need to vent, you know we're here. There are so many people who care about you here.

faye_cat
18 Mar 2016, 12:03
Bjorn, you are already stronger than you know by simply admitting this and asking for help. *hug*

I googled this: http://www.weagnosticsaa.com/meeting-locator-agnostic-atheists-freethinkers/ and maybe that can lead you to the right direction.

Dumuzi
18 Mar 2016, 13:46
Step One: Realize there's a problem

Step Two: Try to fix it.

Here are some things that might help you:

SAMHSA’s (http://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline) National Helpline is a free, confidential, 24/7, 365-day-a-year treatment referral and information service (in English and Spanish) for individuals and families facing mental health and/or substance use disorders.

AA for Agnostics. (http://agnosticaanyc.org/) You can find meetings in lots of states.

Secular Organizations for Sobriety. (http://www.centerforinquiry.net/sos) SOS is a nonprofit network of autonomous, nonprofessional local groups dedicated solely to helping individuals achieve and maintain sobriety. There are groups meeting in many cities throughout the US and other countries.

I would contact professionals and see what the best plan for you is. And M, if you need anything else or having a problem with something specific or need something cleared up, let me know. OK?

anunitu
18 Mar 2016, 16:35
BJ,I drank like a fish for years in my younger years,and I know where you are at right now...yeh you can stop,I did...did not do 12 step,I just stopped.
You may need a system,if that is where you are at.
First be easy on yourself,its just a habit it is not really you.

Medusa
18 Mar 2016, 17:26
I just realized that I am an alcoholic.*

I'm ruining my life. I blackout often and then say and do horrible things that I don't mean and would never do otherwise. Poor Patrick, I wouldn't be surprised if he leaves me because I'm not at all myself.*

I think I've been an alcoholic for years. I think I've been using it as a way to avoid every problem I've ever had. My psyche is unraveling.*

I'm getting the number of a sponsor but I feel like I need more help. I can't afford rehab and I am a militant atheist so AA isn't my thing but I am crying out for help.*

Help me. Please.

You can do AA without having to have the 'higher power' be god. YOU are technically your higher power (as a LaVeyan that is).
Start with a sponsor. Then you can figure out what to do. Get your ass into some meetings. Just go. A lot of people there are just going to take that first step. Don't use your atheism as an excuse when it's really fear you are using as an excuse. YOU are strong. YOU can do this. I'm being tough because well, you know that's my love language. Everything isn't going to come at once. Just start the step.

Bjorn
18 Mar 2016, 17:30
Thank you to everyone. I knew I came to the right place with this, and I have Patrick's support too.

I actually found an agnostic AA group that meets at a local church (irony) every Tuesday and Friday, so I'm going to start there.

Medusa
18 Mar 2016, 17:31
Thank you to everyone. I knew I came to the right place with this, and I have Patrick's support too.

I actually found an agnostic AA group that meets at a local church (irony) every Tuesday and Friday, so I'm going to start there.

I'm really proud of you. Remember we are here for you

habbalah
18 Mar 2016, 17:44
You're so brave for even being able to admit this to other people. Please keep us updated and remember that we care about you, and we're here for you.

thalassa
19 Mar 2016, 04:52
*hugs*

I think everyone else got the where to go covered...so just *hugs*.

Its a cliche, but its true--knowing there is a problem is the first step.

Bjorn
20 Mar 2016, 11:20
I've been put in touch with 2 different women in my area who all are connected with AA. I'm meeting one of them today for tea (TEA, WHAT THE FUCK IS TEA? LOL) and then I'm going to attend a meeting that she recommended to me today.

So far, not only have I been sober for the past 2 days, but I have been sober with alcohol in the house and with my boyfriend drinking it in front of me. I'm not mad at him at ALL, temptation is going to be everywhere so I might as well learn how to say no in the most basic of settings: home. Since I do not have a physical dependence on alcohol (no shakes, no tremors, no noticeable physical changes aside from mood) I know that right now it's just a mental game. My goal for the time being is to make it 1 week without a single drop of alcohol. After that, 2 weeks, etc.

I know deep down that I've been running from trauma in my past and have been for 10 years now. I'm not afraid of the alcohol, it was just a symptom of a much more deeply rooted problem, I'm afraid of all the emotional turmoil that has been drowning in hooch and drugs for the past decade.

I need a friggin therapist.

anunitu
20 Mar 2016, 11:52
Booze is a funny thing..I drank because I liked being drunk...and then one day I found I did not like being drunk anymore. No addiction,no DT's or shakes or stuff. And now I find I dislike the taste..and the buzz. Never did meetings or AA...just one day stopped it,and not ever tempted to go back.(I was very lucky I think)

Started drinking at 13 when I also started smoking.

DanieMarie
20 Mar 2016, 12:45
Good for you, Bjorn.

I hope you also find support for your trauma. Are there any support groups or free counsellors/therapists in your area?

Bjorn
20 Mar 2016, 12:55
Good for you, Bjorn.

I hope you also find support for your trauma. Are there any support groups or free counsellors/therapists in your area?

I'm trying to look into that, they're supposed to get back to me on Monday but there's always a fee and I don't have insurance so I think AA will have to suffice for now. That's OK, though. It might be too much at once and there's gotta be some books I can get from the library.

EndlessCravings
20 Mar 2016, 12:55
I've been put in touch with 2 different women in my area who all are connected with AA. I'm meeting one of them today for tea (TEA, WHAT THE FUCK IS TEA? LOL) and then I'm going to attend a meeting that she recommended to me today.

So far, not only have I been sober for the past 2 days, but I have been sober with alcohol in the house and with my boyfriend drinking it in front of me. I'm not mad at him at ALL, temptation is going to be everywhere so I might as well learn how to say no in the most basic of settings: home. Since I do not have a physical dependence on alcohol (no shakes, no tremors, no noticeable physical changes aside from mood) I know that right now it's just a mental game. My goal for the time being is to make it 1 week without a single drop of alcohol. After that, 2 weeks, etc.

I know deep down that I've been running from trauma in my past and have been for 10 years now. I'm not afraid of the alcohol, it was just a symptom of a much more deeply rooted problem, I'm afraid of all the emotional turmoil that has been drowning in hooch and drugs for the past decade.

I need a friggin therapist.

Do you smoke at all?

Bjorn
20 Mar 2016, 19:24
Do you smoke at all?

Honestly, not usually more than 1 gram a month but I did buy some today.

EndlessCravings
20 Mar 2016, 19:51
Honestly, not usually more than 1 gram a month but I did buy some today.
I meant cigarettes. There's usually a correlation between nicotine and alcohol but since you're talking Loud I guess it's fine.

Willow
27 Mar 2016, 21:55
I need a friggin therapist.

This was my initial thought past the support groups and help lines, but it seems you're already on the ball. You know what you're up against, you know what you need to begin addressing it, and you've already proven you're resourceful enough to explore your options, be strong enough ask for help when you need it, and engage that mental tenacity that I've definitely seen you show on this forum over the years. That's an incredible kind of strength and don't forget that you have it.


Regarding therapists and expenses, there are actually a fair few programs out there for people who don't have the option of insurance coverage or extra finances to front the costs of seeing a therapist. There are a lot around where I live that operate on a sliding scale program where they charge an amount based on your income, and there are a few more (although a tich harder to get into) that treat people for free (although I can't attest first-hand as to the long-term stability of those programs, but it's a start nonetheless).

Keep reaching out, try to find what options are available to you. But a therapist would probably be of great benefit to you in the long run.

Shahaku
28 Mar 2016, 08:44
Hey, Bjorn. As my recent post has suggested, I've got my doubts about 12 step programs. But I thought I'd add, the agnostics/atheists in the area choose to view God as an anagram (?) G.O.D. good orderly direction. Since they don't believe in god with a capital G.

And I second finding a therapist. I know your working on that angle too, and it's a really important one.

Good job recognizing the problem and good luck!

DragonsFriend
28 Mar 2016, 11:47
A good friend of mine is a recovering alcoholic and he is a devout agnostic. He was told by a Rabbi to talk to his door knob for the strength to stop drinking. That actually worked for him to replace a deity. He is still sober after 30 years and 74 years old. I like him because he speaks his mind without filters - a lot like I do. we get along well together and work at on of the non-profits together.

Bjorn
23 Apr 2016, 15:43
April 23, 2016

I fell off the wagon again.

I'm not going to lie, even as I sit here writing this, I am sipping a beer. I expect your judgments and will accept them.

I blew off my AA meetings and blew off my sponsor. She wanted me to go to a meeting almost every day. Maybe 2x a week, but every other day? That's my entire life. It felt like they were trying to make ALCOHOLIC my new identity, that there was this evil devil water that is the sum and total of my parts.

Ok, so yes, I know, I am currently powerless over alcohol. I do not argue this, but what the alcoholism is really doing is hiding much more deeply rooted problems from trauma in my past that I haven't dealt with yet. I need therapy. I am still going to a stupid fucking Agnostic AA meeting next time it rolls around (Tuesday, I believe) but I need something more. I'm depressed. I hate myself. I really really do. I'm the worst person that I know (or at least that's what I've believed for a long time and now have evidence of).

I'm not going to harm myself or anyone else but thoughts of death permeate my being. I cry when I'm alone. I don't even know who I am anymore, but I hate her.

So there you have it. Thought I'd come give an update. I'm sure it's not the one you wanted but I've got to try and keep myself accountable to somebody.

Cheers.

Hawkfeathers
23 Apr 2016, 16:44
I'm sorry you feel so bad. Groups like AA absolutely DO take over your life, just like Weight Watchers and all those things. I know someone who went to WW and all she ever talked about were her points and recipes, etc., these things are kinda cults in that they take one thing you do and redirect it instead of identifying the actual issue. I hope you can get to a real therapist who can help, and I'm glad you can "talk" to us here.

anunitu
23 Apr 2016, 16:58
Girl,you are stronger than you know,yes things may seem bad,but I will say you can control your life. I have been down that road,the depression,the self hate and all the things that go with it. I believe you have the self will to become who you always wanted to be,and the strength to persevere.
Never easy,but what ever was easy that was worth finding and building your strength to accomplish.

My thoughts and prayers are with you,and I know you will become who you should be.

MaskedOne
23 Apr 2016, 17:03
April 23, 2016

I fell off the wagon again.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTWjtnKv4vE

I mean, there's probably a long winded, extremely thorough way to make the point but I'm lazy. Managing alcoholism is an exceptionally difficult task. People stumble on the way. Today, you fell, tomorrow, you pick yourself up and start again. Over-emphasizing the fall won't do you any good, acknowledge the error, if and only if there's something useful to remember about the surrounding circumstances then note that and tomorrow start again.

LearningMan
23 Apr 2016, 17:33
I'm sorry that this is happening to you. I'm sure things will get better for you soon! Best of luck to you!

Medusa
23 Apr 2016, 18:49
It's falling off the wagon, not lemme stay on the ground down here in alcholic village land.

Girl. Kick the booze habit is freaking hard.

Just. You know. Get back up.


i'm a judgmental biatch. And I'm not seeing anything to judge you about. We all have struggles. I go for days without taking all my meds. I know it's bad. I just don't want to be doing it 3 times a day every god damn day. Then I kick my butt and then I'm back on.

You can totally do this. Because ain't no one else gonna do it for you.


*scootches you back off the floor.

volcaniclastic
23 Apr 2016, 18:55
Well pea, you already know I love you no matter how you feel about yourself. No matter how little we talk, or how busy we've gotten.

It'll always be you, me, and the little bee hotel drawing. <3

I know how it is to drink to numb the pain. Eventually though, you just gotta hurt and find a way through it. Go cold turkey. I'll do it with you.

thalassa
24 Apr 2016, 03:25
I am sorry you are going through this.

I'm not sure this will be helpful...but I can't help but wonder if the services of a counselor or psychologist might be a good idea. There have been times in my relationship with alcoholics (recovered and non) where I have wondered if the problem was really what causes them to drink in the first place and not the alcohol itself. If you are using alcohol to self-mediate, then you really find a safe place where you can to deal with the reasons you are self-medicating. AA meetings seem like they can be that place for many people...and many of them have probably fallen off the horse a time or two as well. It's a fairly normal and natural phenomenon--especially if the problems causing you to turn to alcohol aren't being dealt with.

Forgive yourself. And get back on! *hugs*

(Where's a damned hug gif when you need it?)

anunitu
24 Apr 2016, 03:27
Here Thal..https://media.giphy.com/media/Lb3vIJjaSIQWA/giphy.gif

Hawkfeathers
24 Apr 2016, 05:32
Long ago, there used to be an ad in the back of Glamour magazine for an away camp for weight loss. The slogan was 'It's not what you're eating, it's what's eating you." This applies to anything.

pillar
24 Apr 2016, 10:48
I've tried to quit drinking, and have failed miserably. What I'm doing now is only getting enough beer that keeps me from blacking out, stumbling, sluring my words ect. I figured I'd drink half the beer I use to. So I only bought half, and then gave my roommates my keys, and told them, and my friends, under no circumstances are they to take me to buy more beer once I've been drinking. Yesterday was the first day of this, and after I got pretty sober I started having the worst cravings for more beer. So I told my roommates I was going out to sit in my car and vape, not allowed in the house, my ecig and listen to mp3s. What I really did was walk to the store and bought another 25oz beer, and then had to walk back which includes up a pretty big hill. By the time I got back to my car I was so hot, and breathing so hard I couldn't drink the beer for about 8 minutes, and overall it was a 30 min walk.

When I did drink it, I didn't really want it that much by that time, but figured why not. I barely caught a buzz, but it did help with the craving. So instead now I'm just gonna buy 4 25oz beer instead of 3, stop drinking after 3 and save the fourth till I've sobered up and really crave it. Then go for a walk and see if I still have the craving. Even though I'm still drinking a lot, I'm only drinking 2/3 of what I did drink, and I am going to try not to drink the 4th beer. Hopefully this way I will learn to control my drinking.

anunitu
24 Apr 2016, 13:36
From personal experience,you are fooling yourself. If you walked all that way because of craving,it might be mild DT's I was a Heavy drinker in my 20's,so I have some idea what it feels like. If it is that hard to be without,you really need to find a way to quit completely..trust me on this.

pillar
24 Apr 2016, 16:26
I'm gonna try to control it.

- - - Updated - - -

maybe I'll find my gods

kalynraye
25 Apr 2016, 16:18
April 23, 2016

I fell off the wagon again.

I'm not going to lie, even as I sit here writing this, I am sipping a beer. I expect your judgments and will accept them.

Now you've fallen off, you've sat on the ground and hurt and wallowed now its time to get back up. It doesn't have to best it can be slow. Take it easy on yourself and most importantly forgive yourself. This world isn't easy but we are ALL here for you.

Dumuzi
26 Apr 2016, 00:48
1. Falling off the wagon is part of the journey. You know this already. Getting back on is also part of it. It's just something you will have to go through until you reach your goal.

2. Breathe in, breathe out. Don't panic. You got this.

3. You already did the right thing. You took the time and mental energy to post all about it. That is very good. Keep doing that, you're already doing this the right way. You got this.

4. Breathe.

5. Try to think for yourself why this happened. What can you do to help you next time around? Do you have access to it inside your house? Try coming up with something you can do when the 'urge' becomes too strong. Even if it's running for 2-5 minutes. Still a professional will probably have good advice on this.

6. You did the right thing. You are doing this so good. You got this.

anunitu
26 Apr 2016, 01:00
It can be a hard road,or it can be a learning road...like learn to be whole..dump the beer goggles and see the sunrise with new eyes..
Worth every tear and sigh believe me.