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View Full Version : Newborn and Toddler -Why Did I Do This?



Azvanna
28 May 2016, 13:42
It's only Day 10 and I gotta be honest I'm really struggling with adjusting to having a newborn again! How did you ladies do it? I really valued the closeness I shared with my toddler but I barely have arms free anymore as Ezra is not happy unless he's being fed or sucking and won't sleep for long stretches without being held except for once a night for 2.5 - 3h. I've got my husband home with me until the end of the week then mum for the following fortnight but I know not to expect any major changes in Ezra's sleeping and settling for further 2 weeks. I'm absolutely dreading my husband going back to work as he is currently the main support for my toddler. I try to spend a little uninterrupted time each day with him in his world but it's not really enough. He had a little melt down this morning when he woke and just wanted Matt and I to cuddle him while he cried his little eyes out. I'm going to absolutely hate it if I'm still a mess by the time mum visits. I cannot show weaknesses to her or she exploits them to try to make me dependent on her. I totally understand now why Wet Nurses are/were a thing!

Tylluan Penry
28 May 2016, 14:08
I do feel for you, I really do. Having children is hard work. I had three of mine in less than three years and the only way I managed was by getting to bed shortly after them. Then it was musical beds. If anyone slept until 4.30 am I thought I'd had a lie-in.

the saddest part of your post for me was that you don't have the sort of relationship with your mum that could help. In fact you have the opposite - a situation where you dread her meddling. You do need support - and quickly. Always best to get in there first rather than try and tackle things when you're really drained.

The thing with your mum, especially iff she'll be with you for 2 weeks is that you have to start as you mean to go on. Our mothers can find it hard to be grandparents but you can take it from me that there is a steep learning curve to being a grandmother too. Some are better at it than others. But as her daughter you can MAKE her a better Grandmother. You need to talk to your partner - talk to anyone and get some sort of strategy before she arrives. And remember, you are not there to wait on your mother - she is there to help. Make sure - as far as you can - that she does!

anunitu
28 May 2016, 15:08
My ex and I had two kids about 4 years apart...as I said in another post,having kids is not for the timid or easily overwhelmed. I found you gain that strength as you go along.
There does come a point where it gets easier believe me. There will come a point where your older child will become the younger ones "protector". With my grand kids the older sister age 7 now is very protective of her brother who is now about 6. Hang in there,you might also be feeling "postpartum" stuff,that should pass soon.

thalassa
28 May 2016, 17:19
I had to bottle feed both kids. That meant the hubby could help with feeding duty...also that 2.0 slept longer. TBH, even if I had been able to BF, I probably would have given into keeping my sanity and bottle fed. Because of my work schedule, both kids got about 8 weeks worth of pumping supplemented with formula--because of my breast reduction surgery, they weren't fans of BFing, and I never produced enough.

I used the sling and I swaddled the baby, and I used the heck out of the baby swing. But most importantly, with #2, I learned to let him cry a bit. Compared to his sister, he was super demanding...it was either that, or go crazy. Put the baby down and go do something else for a bit--at best, he falls asleep, at worst...he falls asleep. You can't be a good parent if you are stressed out the whazoo. And guess what, both kids are happy and healthy and have no memory of crying themselves to sleep once in a while (or that they were bottle fed).

Also, the older one will get over it. It's an adjustment, and he'll adjust. One thing I did with Phee (we started before Sharkbait was born) was to get her her own dolly with a bottle, stroller, diapers, etc and encouraged her to take care of her baby while I took care of Collin--then she could "play the baby game" too. We also kept a bin of diaper changing supplies and other baby stuff at kiddo height so we could send her on errands to be helpful. But mostly, we each made a point to have Chickadee time without the baby. Even if it meant letting the baby cry for a bit, even if it was just 10-15 minutes here and there.

Hawkfeathers
28 May 2016, 18:59
A friend's daughter has a toddler and a newbie. She had post-partum depression and all sorts of not-fun things going on - but it's all resolving now! The toddler is very protective of his little brother, and all the pieces seem to be falling into place. Most of my friends whose kids are grown look back fondly on those years. Maybe that's dementia LOL

Medusa
28 May 2016, 21:10
My friend recently had twins a month ago. And a toddler about 1.5 years old. I keep seeing happy pics of her and the babies. But she looks deranged as f. I love her and her strength.

Azvanna
29 May 2016, 13:04
Thanks everyone for the support and helpful replies. We had a full on day yesterday with EJ being teary absolutely all day, Ezra feeding ALL day and myself also being quite emotional. I am feeling a bit more normal now and ready to face whatever today turns out to be.

I have been talking to a few of my friends and doing some reading and can see this is all really normal and to just hang in there. So...

4842


My friend recently had twins a month ago. And a toddler about 1.5 years old. I keep seeing happy pics of her and the babies. But she looks deranged as f. I love her and her strength. Wow I take my hat off to her! It's amazing what you can do when you have to.


Most of my friends whose kids are grown look back fondly on those years. Maybe that's dementia LOL
LOL I honestly believe it's nature's way of making sure we keep reproducing!! Just forget the bad stuff.. it's okay! :rolleyes: What.. you're keeping a journal? No.. don't do that. Here.. feed the baby.


I TBH, even if I had been able to BF, I probably would have given into keeping my sanity and bottle fed.

I've been seriously considering this. Maybe even going to expressed breast milk to bottle feed and dummies. Matt really wants to help with feeding and I remember hugely appreciating his help with our first baby.



My ex and I had two kids about 4 years apart...as I said in another post,having kids is not for the timid or easily overwhelmed. I found you gain that strength as you go along.
I felt myself grow in capacity with my first and knew there'd come a time I'd have to face it with this one.. wasn't expecting it so soon!


There does come a point where it gets easier believe me. There will come a point where your older child will become the younger ones "protector". With my grand kids the older sister age 7 now is very protective of her brother who is now about 6. Hang in there,you might also be feeling "postpartum" stuff,that should pass soon.

So much looking forward to this. I keep telling myself that this will be a hard few months and these challenges are just for now. We had a whopper of a bad day today and it's hard to keep the end in sight. I'm feeling more normal now this evening and feel a bit closer to my boys for having survived it!




The thing with your mum, especially iff she'll be with you for 2 weeks is that you have to start as you mean to go on. Our mothers can find it hard to be grandparents but you can take it from me that there is a steep learning curve to being a grandmother too. Some are better at it than others. But as her daughter you can MAKE her a better Grandmother. You need to talk to your partner - talk to anyone and get some sort of strategy before she arrives. And remember, you are not there to wait on your mother - she is there to help. Make sure - as far as you can - that she does!

Spot on, Mrs P. Originally, I had hoped that she could stay overnight with Matt's parents for the time she was here but they weren't too keen on that idea. I just thought it would give everyone some breathing room. She did offer to stay in a motel, but she really has very little money and it would make me feel wretched! We have an agreement that if either one of us start resenting the other, she will leave before things get really bad.

I recently came across a website about healing the 'mother wound' which made me aware of how overly responsible I feel for her personal happiness. The challenge for me is to accept who she is at face value and to lower my expectations of her as if she were an acquaintance if that makes sense. While she's here, I plan to show her where everything is and give her certain jobs to take ownership of so she never feels like she doesn't know what to do. Mum's love language is 'acts of service' so if she's feeling useful, she's usually okay with the world.

Azvanna
21 Jun 2016, 18:39
Update: I started giving Ezra formula top ups from the bottle and it's made a big difference. He now settles between feeds and has good sleeps so I can use that time to be with EJ or catch up on sleep myself. We hired a swing from our town's Toy Library and I've gone back to baby wearing. So things are much more manageable now.

thalassa
22 Jun 2016, 02:19
Glad to know you have some sanity back!