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GypsySeaWitch
06 May 2011, 22:19
Sorry this is long.

Okay so I've been with Jason for 3 1/2 years now. Within the last year I've been having a problem with him lying. Not over anything major or important but on him lying about him having quit smoking, money spending, and a few other things. White lies I got no problem with, but he will lie straight to my face and tell me I'm paranoid until I actually catch him doing whatever it is and he can't get out of it. It really pisses me off and I don't know what to do as every time he turns it into something that is my fault. Like with the smoking he tried to say he only started smoking again because of my surgeries putting him under stress. He was actually trying to guilt me with it too! Its that way with all his weird little lies too. Anyways, he has a new one. I've noticed that two days in a row he has smelled like marijuana. I know to many that isn't a big deal as lots of people smoke it, but I'm not a fan of drugs and it is illegal in Texas. I can actually get in trouble with my disability if he were to get busted for it and I somehow end up as being involved with it. Not something I want to chance. So when I told him he smelled like marijuana his excuse was that he had done a maintenance job in an apartment where the resident was a major pot head. That was possible as the smell was faint, but then the next day he smelled like it only after he "smoked a cigarette" after we got back from grocery shopping. He tried the same story again, but failed to remember he had changed shirts and it was on his breath this time. He then went into a speech about how he doesn't do drugs and blah blah blah. I tuned him out as all he was trying to do was make me believe him and then he insisted I'm being paranoid again. So far every time he has told me that, I've been right....which just reinforces in my mind that he is lying.

What the heck can I do? My mom says I might be better off leaving him since lying about drugs is a bit more major than cigarettes and the other things he lied about before, and who knows what else he could be lying about. And according to Jason's own mom that is how Jason's dad started out before he began cheating on her and doing crack and many other drugs. So it makes me really worried, but problem is I don't make enough on disability to move out on my own if I wanted to and it would be hard since I've put so much into this relationship. *sigh*

I need advice.

Caelia
07 May 2011, 00:51
I've had problems to a lesser degree with Azazel doing this. However, we were fortunate enough to be on the same level and decide early on to try to discuss any problems in our relationship. We were able to overcome these issues because we're willing to be open with each other, discuss the behaviors, and what we can do to avoid doing it again. I get the impression, however, your fiance doesn't like to discuss things.

The fact he tries to blame you for his actions is what I find the most disturbing (ok, I don't like the lying part either, but I'll get to that in a moment). He's doing that so he doesn't have to feel bad about his actions. My previous relationship had something similar. My ex would try to blame me for all of his actions. He even tried to dismiss my concerns as simply me "being a woman". Turns out I was right on the money. I finally realized that my wellbeing and happiness should not be compromised in such a way. I broke up with him.

I'm in the same camp with your mother in you should leave him. At this point this is who he is and what he does. If he's relapsing with drugs and doesn't want to be honest you could also be in danger beyond losing disability.

I know it seems like a hard decision, but that's because it is. I had to move back home almost a year ago because Azazel and I just weren't in a place to be able to live with each other much longer. I was fortunate enough to have family take me in (though it has reminded me of why I left). If you have someone you can stay with, even temporarily? Is it possible to get some sort of low income housing? These are some options you may want to consider.

DanieMarie
07 May 2011, 01:54
It's a hard subject to really give advice on, and only you know what to do deep down. If you want an opinion, those are some pretty big lies. Like Caelia, I also am a bit worried about him blaming you. It's like he's trying to turn himself into the victim and trying to absolve himself of his own responsibility. Also, you didn't really go into it, but you mentioned him lying about spending money. This is actually a lot bigger of a deal than a lot of people want to think-finances are the leading cause of divorce. If you can't be on the same page about how money is spent and he lies about it, that could be a MAJOR problem down the road....

Medusa
07 May 2011, 02:41
If you marry him you are accepting him as is. You will NOT be able to change him. Is this behavior acceptable in a husband? That's what you have to ask yourself. Time in doesn't mean shit at this point. Do you want to marry a liar? Yes or no. That's the most important thing you have to ask yourself. Don't go into thinking you can change him. It never works.

Celest
07 May 2011, 03:05
basically, I have the same advise; you cannot change him, he can change IF he wants to, but he has to want to.

I woulld tell him that if he lies again about____,____(fill in what is most impoatant)
then I am gone. But that is just me..I am a bit of a hard-ass when it comes to stuff like that. I am not very tollerant.(I left my first husband after he pushed me into a wall, I didn't give him a chance to do it twice)

Good luck hun, I know this is hard and you have to follow your gut.

Tylluan Penry
07 May 2011, 03:43
Everyone lies at some point. They do it for a variety of reasons, all of which seem like a good idea at the time.... to them, anyway.

BUT... offloading the blame onto you is a different issue entirely. That's not lying, that's playing mind-games. Wriggling out of something to try and avoid a row is one thing - blaming the person you are supposed to love is quite another. If you have disability problems then you have enough on your plate and he is taking advantage of what he sees as your weakness. Medusa's advice is very sound. He is unlikely to change. If he were, he would be trying to change now, not blame you or accuse you of paranoia.

So.... in this particular instance I would say listen to your Mam. Do not stay with this man simply to keep a roof over your head because the way he's going you will probably lose it anyway and possibly a lot more besides.

Worst of all, a few years down the road you will find you have probably lost the most important thing of all, your self respect. And that's a real bugger.

GypsySeaWitch
07 May 2011, 08:12
Thanks everyone for the advice. I know I can't change him. I haven't ever tried as that didn't ever work in any relationship before this one. I tried discussing the issues before with him and hoping he would decide he wanted to change, but that was a fail as it just made him lie worse...most likely from guilt. Jason is a real great man and does many good things for me (or I wouldn't love him), but between the lying and not helping clean and take care of the apartment it makes it seem more stressful than it is worth. And he does seem to take my weaknesses and use them, but not in any major manipulating ways. I've tried telling him if he kept lying about things I would pack up and leave, but he knows me being disabled that the only place I could go is my parent's house until I get low income housing or something. I'm also kind of scared to be out on my own. I never have been and due to my disabilities I need lots of help around the home, which he does help out with somewhat. I can't even get my wheelchair into the living room right now because of the mess....he is just lucky I can walk most of the time. I'd clean it myself if I could lift things more. *sighs* I'm also afraid that being disabled who else could I get relationship wise? How many guys would be willing to haul around a wheelchair or walker on days I hurt to go everywhere, help me take my showers or get dressed, be okay with me not being able to clean up house very much, and etc? Sometimes I think I'm just too scared to leave more than me being in love with him.

DanieMarie
07 May 2011, 09:17
Oh honey, you shouldn't stay in a relationship that's troubling to you because you're afraid you can't do better. That's a fear a lot of women have in a lot of circumstances and it never really makes the situation better. You're still young, and even though you're in a unique situation that makes it harder for you to do things on your own, being single is better than settling for a relationship with someone you don't love, or who causes you a lot of stress.

Tylluan Penry
07 May 2011, 09:51
Okay, I apologise in advance that this is rather long, but I'm Welsh... we talk. So please bear with me, and rest assured that whatever you decide to do, I'm not going to judge and I will always wish you all the best. But if I were your Mam/Grandmother this is what I would be telling you: (You'll just have to imagine the Welsh accent! ;))

Your first problem GSW is lack of self esteem. Beware of pity - and beware of feeling that you should feel grateful. You shouldn't. Love is love. Gratitude does not come into it.

You say that he is 'a real great man and does many good things for me...but between the lying and not helping clean and take care of the apartment it makes it seem more stressful than it is worth.' Yes, you've hit the nail on the head there. Just as handsome is as handsome does, so love is as love does. And he doesn't.

Then you say 'he does seem to take my weaknesses and use them, but not in any major manipulating ways.'
Really? Lying and then shifting the blame onto you isn't major? Stop and think - what would you consider major? It's pretty damned important because before long you'll begin to doubt yourself.

You say, 'he knows me being disabled that the only place I could go is my parent's house until I get low income housing or something. I'm also kind of scared to be out on my own.' He knows this. He knows it gives him plenty of leeway and he's taking advantage of it. You can't really respect - or love - someone who does that. If he was lying about a second job because he was trying to get extra money or something and wanted to surprise you , that's one thing. But as my granny used to say, 'You can hide from a thief but you can never hide from a liar.'

You say 'I need lots of help around the home, which he does help out with somewhat. I can't even get my wheelchair into the living room right now because of the mess....he is just lucky I can walk most of the time.' Now stop and read that again. If he really helps out why can't he clear the mess for you - the woman he says he loves?

You also write: 'I'm also afraid that being disabled who else could I get relationship wise? How many guys would be willing to haul around a wheelchair or walker on days I hurt to go everywhere, help me take my showers or get dressed, be okay with me not being able to clean up house very much, and etc? Sometimes I think I'm just too scared to leave more than me being in love with him.'
And there we have it. You're frightened of the unknown. Deep down, for reasons known only to you, you don't feel you deserve better.

Well you do. Being disabled is not a carte blanche for people to walk all over you. You deserve the best. You ARE the best. And one day you will find someone who values and cherishes you for your true self.

Medusa
07 May 2011, 12:33
Thanks everyone for the advice. I know I can't change him. I haven't ever tried as that didn't ever work in any relationship before this one. I tried discussing the issues before with him and hoping he would decide he wanted to change, but that was a fail as it just made him lie worse...most likely from guilt. Jason is a real great man and does many good things for me (or I wouldn't love him), but between the lying and not helping clean and take care of the apartment it makes it seem more stressful than it is worth. And he does seem to take my weaknesses and use them, but not in any major manipulating ways. I've tried telling him if he kept lying about things I would pack up and leave, but he knows me being disabled that the only place I could go is my parent's house until I get low income housing or something. I'm also kind of scared to be out on my own. I never have been and due to my disabilities I need lots of help around the home, which he does help out with somewhat. I can't even get my wheelchair into the living room right now because of the mess....he is just lucky I can walk most of the time. I'd clean it myself if I could lift things more. *sighs* I'm also afraid that being disabled who else could I get relationship wise? How many guys would be willing to haul around a wheelchair or walker on days I hurt to go everywhere, help me take my showers or get dressed, be okay with me not being able to clean up house very much, and etc? Sometimes I think I'm just too scared to leave more than me being in love with him.
Well that was a whole hell of a lot of rationalization bs going on there. YOU are a strong gal. Get the state to give you some sort of health visitor or something. Jason is not an aid worker. He's your potential husband. And if you keep on rationalizing all his faults like that..you two will get along fine. See where I am going?

PharaohKatt
07 May 2011, 18:44
Okay, I apologise in advance that this is rather long, but I'm Welsh... we talk. So please bear with me, and rest assured that whatever you decide to do, I'm not going to judge and I will always wish you all the best. But if I were your Mam/Grandmother this is what I would be telling you: (You'll just have to imagine the Welsh accent! ;))

Your first problem GSW is lack of self esteem. Beware of pity - and beware of feeling that you should feel grateful. You shouldn't. Love is love. Gratitude does not come into it.

You say that he is 'a real great man and does many good things for me...but between the lying and not helping clean and take care of the apartment it makes it seem more stressful than it is worth.' Yes, you've hit the nail on the head there. Just as handsome is as handsome does, so love is as love does. And he doesn't.

Then you say 'he does seem to take my weaknesses and use them, but not in any major manipulating ways.'
Really? Lying and then shifting the blame onto you isn't major? Stop and think - what would you consider major? It's pretty damned important because before long you'll begin to doubt yourself.

You say, 'he knows me being disabled that the only place I could go is my parent's house until I get low income housing or something. I'm also kind of scared to be out on my own.' He knows this. He knows it gives him plenty of leeway and he's taking advantage of it. You can't really respect - or love - someone who does that. If he was lying about a second job because he was trying to get extra money or something and wanted to surprise you , that's one thing. But as my granny used to say, 'You can hide from a thief but you can never hide from a liar.'

You say 'I need lots of help around the home, which he does help out with somewhat. I can't even get my wheelchair into the living room right now because of the mess....he is just lucky I can walk most of the time.' Now stop and read that again. If he really helps out why can't he clear the mess for you - the woman he says he loves?

You also write: 'I'm also afraid that being disabled who else could I get relationship wise? How many guys would be willing to haul around a wheelchair or walker on days I hurt to go everywhere, help me take my showers or get dressed, be okay with me not being able to clean up house very much, and etc? Sometimes I think I'm just too scared to leave more than me being in love with him.'
And there we have it. You're frightened of the unknown. Deep down, for reasons known only to you, you don't feel you deserve better.

Well you do. Being disabled is not a carte blanche for people to walk all over you. You deserve the best. You ARE the best. And one day you will find someone who values and cherishes you for your true self.

Yes, this. Everything that Mrs P has a said.

It really worries me, the way he is acting. It honestly sounds like emotional manipulation and abuse. People with disabilities are at a greater risk of abuse because we often require the care of our significant others, and people are more likely to listen to our significant others than ourselves.

You are worth more than this. Being disabled does not make you unloveable and unworthy, and him playing on that fear is a horrible form of emotional manipulation. He says he loves you, and you love him, but he isn't acting like it. I know it's hard to love someone who is hurting you, and it's hard to let go, because you can't just stop loving. Please try to think of yourself.

You are worth more than this.

thalassa
08 May 2011, 05:43
Yes, this. Everything that Mrs P has a said.

It really worries me, the way he is acting. It honestly sounds like emotional manipulation and abuse. People with disabilities are at a greater risk of abuse because we often require the care of our significant others, and people are more likely to listen to our significant others than ourselves.

You are worth more than this. Being disabled does not make you unloveable and unworthy, and him playing on that fear is a horrible form of emotional manipulation. He says he loves you, and you love him, but he isn't acting like it. I know it's hard to love someone who is hurting you, and it's hard to let go, because you can't just stop loving. Please try to think of yourself.

You are worth more than this.

ditto to this (and everything that Mrs P said)

a relationship is meaningless without respect

ThatKrazy
08 May 2011, 11:32
*sighs* I'm also afraid that being disabled who else could I get relationship wise? How many guys would be willing to haul around a wheelchair or walker on days I hurt to go everywhere, help me take my showers or get dressed, be okay with me not being able to clean up house very much, and etc? Sometimes I think I'm just too scared to leave more than me being in love with him.

Oh honey! [edit: I typed Oh honey! before seeing DM's post. I swear I'm not copying! ;)] Never think that. You do not have to settle for someone who lies and manipulates you because you are disabled. Next weekend, I'm going to a bridal shower for a disabled woman that a very close family friend is marrying. She invited my whole family. He is an absolutely wonderful man, a veteran who is now earning a degree to teach high school math. He's like my adopted uncle, and I think an even better "catch" than my real uncle who he is best friends with. She is cheery, smart, and beautiful, and also is physically disabled with huge speech impediments. When they come to our family dinners, everyone is happy to help her get around tight corners. They are very lucky to have each other. You can have that, too. You don't have to marry someone you feel you can't trust. Today, it's smoking cigarettes and pot. Tomorrow, what else might it be that he is lying about?

As for whether to call off the relationship, can you tell if this is a chronic problem or a temporary crisis? Sometimes we all get down on ourselves and do not exhibit the best behavior. Talk to him, tell him that his behavior is driving you away. If the problems are his behaviors and not his personality, he doesn't have to change who he is, he just has to learn to better control himself. He could go to counselling. I suggest trying to help him get help, since he doesn't seem to be doing better on his own.

You may have to give him an ultimatum, "Go to counselling and get better, or lose me." However, you have to be prepared to end the relationship if you give an ultimatum like that. Right now, it sounds like you feel extremely reliant on the relationship in order to live a somewhat independent life. You have to empower yourself in order to make him see that you may actually follow through on the ultimatum. Perhaps you can arrange to go live with your parents, at least temporarily. If this is just a temporary crisis, maybe you can help him get through it. If this problem isn't going away, then it may be time to move on.

GypsySeaWitch
23 May 2011, 19:22
Shortly after writing my last post Jason and I got in an argument. He ended up taking a drug test - his idea, but I'm pretty sure it was just to prove me wrong. He almost started an argument in the store that almost caused me to ditch him there. Anyway, he took the test and it came out negative. That really makes me wonder if I am crazy or something. I know that is the self doubt talking, but my brain is sitting here going he passed the test, but I know what I smelled. I ended up staying at my parents of a night and I think that freaked him out. He's been on best behavior because of it. Mom and Dad are biding on some property next their house that has a building on it where they said they would rent to me. If that doesn't go through my Dad owns a business where there is an apartment on the second floor and he offered to clean it up for me. So I'm feeling a lot better about that. And I really appreciate the advice from everyone, especially Mrs. P. It's nice to know I got people on my side. For now I'm just seeing how things are going while Dad and Mom work on getting me a back up place.

Amber
24 May 2011, 08:48
Well, the smelling the pot could have been his cigs (not making excuses here) but as a smoker myself.....alot of times you will get a cig that smells just like pot when you light it up. Or he was around some. But his "good behaviour" needs to be all the time. Sure arguments are understandable and sometimes unavoidable but belittling is something that can be and should be avoided at any and all cost.

I'm sure he wouldn't like it if you turned around and pulled the same shit on him

Good luck!!

Tylluan Penry
24 May 2011, 13:29
Perhaps a bit of time apart will sort things out between you. Things have obviously been going adrift for a while now, and you're not happy. As for the drug test, I don't know much about these things, but perhaps these results can be faked, I don't know.

Anyway, take each day as it comes and don't be in a rush to go back with him. You need some time to learn to respect yourself again, to realise that you deserve better. Maybe he will come around to that way of thinking too. Or maybe not. Either way, things have a habit of working out for the best. Give yourself plenty of time. And good luck! :)

kilrane
24 May 2011, 18:06
He ended up taking a drug test - his idea, but I'm pretty sure it was just to prove me wrong. He almost started an argument in the store that almost caused me to ditch him there. Anyway, he took the test and it came out negative. That really makes me wonder if I am crazy or something.

I really hate to be a person who sews doubt but I used to smoked pot off and on for quite a few years. I thought I should point out that, according to the drug test your boyfriend took, it can be easy to pass using a masking agent or something similar, especially if you are aware of the drug test ahead of time. Some of the masking agents are very cheap to come by and readily available online, or even in local head shops in many states.

Another thing to add to this is that home tests are usually pretty easy to pass using these masking agents since they tend to be low quality tests when compared to what you might find when you are tested by employer that heavily scans their potential employees.

Google "how to pass thc drug test" and you will see what I'm talking about.

If you ask me, you might not be so crazy after all

GypsySeaWitch
27 May 2011, 22:29
I really hate to be a person who sews doubt but I used to smoked pot off and on for quite a few years. I thought I should point out that, according to the drug test your boyfriend took, it can be easy to pass using a masking agent or something similar, especially if you are aware of the drug test ahead of time. Some of the masking agents are very cheap to come by and readily available online, or even in local head shops in many states.

Another thing to add to this is that home tests are usually pretty easy to pass using these masking agents since they tend to be low quality tests when compared to what you might find when you are tested by employer that heavily scans their potential employees.

Google "how to pass thc drug test" and you will see what I'm talking about.

If you ask me, you might not be so crazy after all

It wasn't a planned out thing. It was one of those ideas that someone throws out into the air thinking the other person will shoot it down, but I didn't. I then watched him take the test within the hour of him saying he'd take one. I doubt he could have faked one that quickly.

thalassa
28 May 2011, 03:32
It wasn't a planned out thing. It was one of those ideas that someone throws out into the air thinking the other person will shoot it down, but I didn't. I then watched him take the test within the hour of him saying he'd take one. I doubt he could have faked one that quickly.

The other problem with the pot test is that at home tests aren't very sensitive, and if he isn't a regular smoker, it would be out of his system sooner. If he didn't take the test until you posted about it, and *when* you think he smelled like pot was when/before you posted this, thats enough time that a home test probably wouldn't have picked it up.


The other thing (IMO) is this...

It shouldn't matter what you think he did or didn't do. Either you love him, or not; you trust him or not; and he respects you as a person, or not (and vice versa). If any of those are a "no", thats a GTFO ASAP in my book. I don't think you can have a healthy relationship without love, trust and respect...and (IMO) whether the drug test was clean or not is immaterial, the fact that when he offered, you had him do it suggests that you *don't* trust him.

I think too, you might consider whether or not you might benefit from being on your own for a while. You've had a ton of ship happen to you...have you really had time to get to know yourself solo without a relationship? To respect yourself for the terrific person you are on your own?