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Hawkfeathers
09 May 2011, 18:36
OK the deal is, he's very intelligent, I believe he's got decent money, he likes a lot of the same things I do, he's attentive, etc. But I'm just not feeling good about him. We've gone out twice and spent a lot of time on the phone. He's coming over tomorrow for dinner. It will be his first time visiting my home. If this goes well I am going to introduce him to some friends and see what they think. He's cool with my spirituality and we are both Italian (hard to find in these parts!)
The red flag I'm seeing is, he says he likes strong, independent women (me) but then he wants to take over, in a way. It's hard to explain but I feel like this is the type who will chip away at my joyfulness and rationalize his actions by saying he was trying to do something nice for me (like how he insisted on paying the check the second time we ate at a restaurnat. I felt I should have paid, since he paid the first time.) He's a little show-offy about his knowledge of facts, anything I talk about, he knows all about it.
*sigh* We'll see how tomorrow goes, I guess, and take it from there. I've already told him I am not a butterfly he can catch in order to pull its wings off. I don't want to walk away too quickly, but I feel that I should be all excited about seeing him again, and I'm just not. That in itself makes me sad.

Shadow Dragon
09 May 2011, 19:17
Generally speaking, when someone wants to be the dominant member of a relationship and the other doesn't want to be the submissive one, then it'll probably just end up in a long series of arguments. If things continue like this the next couple of times you guys hang out, then it may be best to leave.

ThatKrazy
09 May 2011, 20:19
I've found that if you've got red flags at the beginning of the relationship, it's better not to pursue than to sit back and see what happens. That got me in trouble earlier this year. At the beginning of a relationship, you're right that you should be incredibly excited to see him again - even if you're having a disagreement. I think if you thought these concerns might not be valid, you would be excited to see him again to dispel your worries. The fact that you are uninterested now might mean that you've already figured out that this incompatibility won't go away. But I'm no love-guru, and my advice might be unfounded (my red flags advice at the beginning is based on personal experience, but with only a sample size of two guys I had immediate red flags with and went for a relationship anyways, it can't be objectively conclusive, just my own short experience). Just another way to think about it.

DanieMarie
09 May 2011, 23:18
I attract a lot of guys like that. Some of them really just want an equal, and I find that with English-speaking guys sometimes with paying they just have trouble letting go of that one because it's so culturally ingrained (less of a problem when I've dated Germans). Some of them though seem to want to feel like they've dominated someone as strong as them, which is more troubling. You can't really know where he stands I guess until you've gone out a few more times and maybe get him to meet friends and see what vibe they get. Also, maybe try to get into a little debate with him a couple of times. Does he always -have- to win?

Hawkfeathers
10 May 2011, 02:32
Thanks, you guys. I'm slow to attraction because I've been burned too often, so it doen't worry me that I'm not all fluttery about seeing him. That's self-protection. The part about him paying at the restaurant may well have been a culturally ingrained thing, or maybe anything, I don't know. I'm going to see how this goes today, and after he leaves my house, if I don't feel something a little more, I'm not gonna drag it out. It's not worth it. DanieMarie I agree about finding out if he always has to win.
I'm mature enough to know that a genuine relationship isn't all hearts & flowers and that we won't agree on everything, it's the day-to-day compatibility issues I need to see first hand. Plus I may just be looking for a way out because I'm afraid? I hate all this stuff!!!!!!!!!

calfhill
13 May 2011, 21:25
yeah, what the others have said. Don't rush either way. Above all: BE CAREFUL!

Hawkfeathers
15 May 2011, 03:01
Since the last time I posted about this, I've seen him a couple more times and there are definite control issues. Example: he told me that he once bought his ex a pair of very large diamond earrings, and at the same time gave her a matching set of fakes & told her to wear the fake ones except for special occasions. Now I totally get that, in concept, but if someone gave me a gift and TOLD ME WHEN I COULD WEAR IT, I'd have a fit.So it's all that sort of thing. I also sensed a jealousy about my friends. Plus a bunch more odd things. I'm done.

Next???? LOL

Dez
15 May 2011, 07:19
Wow....yep, that does not sound like a keeper to me!

Hawkfeathers
15 May 2011, 07:45
Wow....yep, that does not sound like a keeper to me!

Me, neither! It kinda seems that any guy who likes me has something bad going on. I wish I could attract someone normal. They say they love independent women, but what they really mean is, you are a challenge and I'm gonna knock you down. They don't know me too well......hehehehehe

DanieMarie
15 May 2011, 09:04
Me, neither! It kinda seems that any guy who likes me has something bad going on. I wish I could attract someone normal. They say they love independent women, but what they really mean is, you are a challenge and I'm gonna knock you down. They don't know me too well......hehehehehe

Yeah I feel like I get that a lot, or else they're just very non-committal.

Trust your gut! But it sounds like you already are.

Hawkfeathers
15 May 2011, 15:53
Yeah I feel like I get that a lot, or else they're just very non-committal.

Trust your gut! But it sounds like you already are.

Yes. Oprah once said "Doubt means Don't." Wisest thing she ever said!

Ravenix
13 Sep 2011, 12:28
Since the last time I posted about this, I've seen him a couple more times and there are definite control issues. Example: he told me that he once bought his ex a pair of very large diamond earrings, and at the same time gave her a matching set of fakes & told her to wear the fake ones except for special occasions. Now I totally get that, in concept, but if someone gave me a gift and TOLD ME WHEN I COULD WEAR IT, I'd have a fit.So it's all that sort of thing. I also sensed a jealousy about my friends. Plus a bunch more odd things. I'm done.

Next???? LOL

This sounds a lot like the relationship I just got out of... He was a little bit like what you describe at first, didnt like me seeing certain friends, always complained when I wanted to go out on the night I usually stopped at his (I mean ONE night just to have a Uni night out and have some semblance of a Fresher's Week), then by the end of the three years he had become an emotional bully. He started working regularly on the night I stopped over, still expecting me to come over to his and sit and wait for him to finish work. And I did *eyeroll*. He had even made me cut off some of my friends because he didn't like them. I lost a great deal of my social circle because he always wanted me over at his, and hardly ever came down to mine. And yet, he expected to be able to do whatever he wanted (including smoking cigars and being a serial flirt) whilst telling me what to do. And, when I left, he tried to make me feel guilty by reeling off a list of everything he'd done for me (as if throwing money at me - and not much money at that- would save our relationship).

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. I'm glad you dodged a bullet!

Hawkfeathers
13 Sep 2011, 13:11
Thank you, Ravenix.

Amber
13 Sep 2011, 13:17
One thing I have learned is NEVER not trust your gut instinct. You can usally get away with calling it nerves about what ever you may be worried about the first couple times but after that and your still having the same feelings when you see the other person, Its no good!!!!

Hawkfeathers
01 Nov 2011, 03:22
OK, fast forward to now. I never saw that other guy again. He emailed once in a while but I simply ignored him. I met someone else and my world has been changed. My gut feeling immediately gave me a green light, my friends who have met his so far like him, my parrot likes him. We feel that we've been connected for many lifetimes. He is Lutheran BUT has extensively studied Archaeology so he gets that there is far more than Christianity in the history of the world. He's not a church goer and is very interested/tolerant about my beliefs. He's an antique dealer and has a good sense of connection with the past. He also used to serve as a rape crisis counselor/defense instructor and is very attuned to women's needs. A "real" man who isn't afraid to be kind.
And he cooks, too! LOL (Seriously, he does.)
I've been alone most of my adult life. Now, when I'm alone, I feel like something's missing. As much as I dreamed, hoped, visualized, I really had doubts that this would ever come my way. Now, I know it's fairly new, and things can happen - I'm a realist - but, (and I know you guys will get this) - I "know" that this is gonna be a great thing.
My neighbor said my whole house is glowing LOL

B. de Corbin
01 Nov 2011, 03:25
Best wishes to you both, Hawkfeathers!

thalassa
01 Nov 2011, 04:09
*squee!!!!*

Yay!

I'm happy for you!

(and him, he lucked out!!)

FantasyWitch
01 Nov 2011, 08:36
That's amazing Hawkfeathers :) You lucky lucky lady! X

Hawkfeathers
01 Nov 2011, 09:23
Thanks, you guys! It's been a long wait, and it sometimes is darkest just before dawn. (I'm just full of cliches lately LOL)

DanieMarie
01 Nov 2011, 09:48
That's fantastic! He sounds great!

Hawkfeathers
02 Nov 2011, 03:56
The BEST part is, so far, that if there's the tiniest little question or "stumbling block", we talk about it IMMEDIATELY. He is an excellent communicator (rare among most men I've met) and he wants so much for me to be happy. I'm just soaking it all up like a sponge.
It always seems that just as I feel I'm near the end of my rope in life, something wonderful comes along. Those of you who are much younger than I am, - NEVER stop believing. And even if something were to go terribly amiss here, at least I'll know it DOES exist. (I had to throw in that "amiss" part just to illustrate that my feet are still pn the ground. But they really aren't LOL)

Bjorn
02 Nov 2011, 10:25
Many accolades to you for listening to the gut instinct that told you the first guy was a clown who wanted a possession.

And many smiles now that you have found someone you can just BE with.

Hawkfeathers
02 Nov 2011, 13:45
Thank you, Bjorn, and everyone!

Hawkfeathers
14 Nov 2011, 04:59
Update - things are just getting better & better. Lots of small discussions about our differences, always with a productive ending! He was here for 3 straight days and I genuinely didn't want him to leave. Me, who has spent about 25 years alone!!!! He's excellent around the house, cooks, cleans up, very neat, etc. Also excellent at....well, ya know! LOL
This is the one whom I dreamed into existence.

B. de Corbin
14 Nov 2011, 05:16
Good for you both!