View Full Version : Unruly child.
02 Aug 2011, 20:38
Okay, well...I really probably shouldn't be posting this at all, but I'm quite concerned, and I want someone else's opinion.
I have a sister who is 15. She smokes, drinks, stays up all night without calling mom to let her know where she is, probably has all kinds of sex (I presume, and I know some of you here think that's okay at 15, but I don't) ...anyhow, she doesn't listen to my mother at all. Screams at her, tells her she's a whore, a terrible mother, all sorts of things that quite frankly, in my mind, you don't ever say to your parents lest particular older sisters beat the living shit out of you (that would be me, thank you very much.) - she's incredibly abusive to everyone. In short, my sister is like those girls you see on Jerry Springer.
Annnnyhow, my mother has called the police on my sister a couple of times now, for doing things which are downright illegal, and last night she punched my mom in the face so hard she split her lip open. Because my mom wouldn't give her a cigarette.
I grew up in an abusive household (before my sister was born) - nobody, and I do mean NOBODY abuses my mother. Mom called the cops on my sister and had her arrested, but they only enforced that she wasn't allowed to stay at home that night, they didn't take her to jail.
Now, what I'm wondering is - what do we do with my sister? I recommended filing charges and trying to get her put into juvy. Or boarding school. Or foster care. ...or basically anything. But I swear, the next time I see my sister, I'm going to beat the living shit out of her. I had to sit on the phone for two hours today listening to mom tell me all this and crying. My mom never cries. Ever.
Recommendations? I'm really concerned about my mom's safety...she's my mommy.
The cynical part of me wants to tell you give her 10 years before anything changes. All of us have probably gone through that horrible (though maybe not as drastic) cuntery we call 15 year old girls who bleed. Unfortunately you aren't her parent. It's up to your mother to lay the law down. I suggest she call the nearest juvenile detention center and ask them what's the best way to get her kid busted and in to the system.
The more practical part tells me to find a girl or two her age and have them beat the living shit out of your sister....usually ending with a brutal kick to the face. This is sometimes the only way dumb people learn. One good smack down.
I'm sure you won't take that advice. But..I've given it on more than one occasion. And I've seen it work on more than one occasion. It was a regular thing to do in our old apartment complex. Some cunt caused you problems. You got one meaner then her to take her out.
Another route would be for your mother to grow a backbone and take care of her own daughter. She birthed that girl. She can take her out too. You being the strong sister won't mean crap. It has to be from her mother since she lives with her.
I'd be really concerned, too...but this isn't your battle. It's your mother's, since this is a minor child living in her house.
Problems like those don't sprout out of nowhere...I have all sorts of little red flags telling me that for whatever reason your little sister needs to work with a therapist. She's still young enough to turn this around. Illegal activities and risky sex though, and that window may pass by really quickly.
02 Aug 2011, 23:51
There are times when you - as a family - have to say 'stop.' I'm not volunteering for this any more. You may find it hard to live without her, but it's impossible to live with her, too. Medusa's advice might seem harsh, but this is a harsh situation. There is no way through it without tears. Whether or not the police take her to prison, she must not come back into the house again... at least not until she apologises properly to your mother and changes her ways.
At the moment, although you don't realise or intend it, you as a family are supporting her behaviour. You cannot beat her up because it will upset your mother all the more (believe me, it will. Chances are she will even defend your sister against you. You don't deserve that.) But every time you allow that girl back into the home, you are tacitly condoning and accepting what she has done.
Shut the door. Tell her to bugger off. Tell her you will always love her, but you don't love what she does or how she acts. Keep in touch by phone (otherwise your mother will go looking for her - mams are like that), even allow her the occasional visit. But make it quite clear that you as a family - and in particular your mother - are calling the shots. She can phone on your terms, visit on your terms, not hers.
It seems cruel - it's a horrible world out there and you will wonder how she is and what is happening to her - but you have to do it. ASAP
And good luck.
This is pretty much my little sister. Believe me, I've had a few tussles with her. Unfortunately all she's done with it is played up how she was the victim even though she actually threw the first punch. She's been arrested even. And Tyullan's right about that point about beating her up; even though my sister was at fault my mother told me to my face that she wished I was the one arrested instead. While it has calmed my sister down a bit it has little lasting effect because my mom won't take a stance.
I would love to say throwing her out or therapy would do the trick, but I'm not so sure. From my experience my sister just learned "new tricks" to gain pity. Yeah, my sister also has an Eric Cartman streak. I think boarding school may be the best option. She's away from everyone and I've heard some stories about how nasty it can be. Depending on the school they may force her to get some counseling and she'll most likely deal with teachers who haven't a care about her need for ciggies. Heck, they will probably put up with a lot less than your mother. But there's always the risk your sister could learn new tricks from this too.
My point, if I have one? She needs an attitude panacea that is most likely a combo of "tough love", distance, and some assistance of some institution.
ADD: If you know she's the type that can be "scared straight" with anecdotes there are a bunch of lovely photos at The Doe Network that will do the trick.
03 Aug 2011, 11:11
Oh dear...I really wish I had some advice for you but unfortunately I just don't. I have a relative who was the same way. She even ran away to Victoria and then Calgary for a couple of weeks at a time. She dropped out of school twice (tried to get back on...apparently she's back and hopefully it sticks this time), and she got pregnant twice before her 18th birthday (terminated both times). Her mom sent her to a mission in Mexico in the middle of nowhere because she was at the end of her rope and even boarding school wouldn't have worked (she'd just run away), and she didn't know anyone in Mexico and it was too isolated, and she thought it might help her get some perspective to do charity work there for the poor. It did give her some distance but unfortunately she came back and got back to her same antics. We're hoping that now that she's nearly 19 she'll finish school and do something with her life, but it remains to be seen. She's actually a bright and sweet girl, she just hangs with a bad crowd and makes terrible choices.
Anyway sorry I don't have advice...but maybe is it the people your sis hangs out with?
03 Aug 2011, 15:51
Thanks for your advice, guys. I'm glad to know I'm not over-reacting or being too mean. And no, I don't think I would seriously beat up my sister, but I was upset (okay, for the record, if I was there when it happened, I probably would have, but after the fact...no.)
I'm not really sure what mom plans to do - she contacted a social worker or a counsillor, or someone that deals with that kind of stuff, and is going to take advice from there. My sister has been home, but everyone is ignoring her, and mom hasn't mentioned anything today when I talked to her on the phone.
It could be the people she hangs out with, but she alienates herself very quickly from any friends she has, so more often than not, she has nobody who is willing to talk to her (for similar behaviour) - she's been caught several times stealing from her friends, and decent people don't put up with that nonsense.
I'm babysitting my little bro tomorrow night just to make one less sibling in the house for mom to deal with (my little bro is pretty highstrung, but hey, he's six) ...I'm just a bit worried because I'm moving across the province at the end of the year, and I feel like I'm in charge of doing nice things for mom to make her happy, and if I'm not around...what then?
It's tough when you want to be there for your mom and can't. The best thing you can do is help your mom become stronger so she can take care and give herself the nice things she should have...like a decent kid in the house etc. Help be her resource. But you can't do it for her.
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