PDA

View Full Version : Little Brother Problems



FantasyWitch
28 Aug 2011, 08:15
This may turn into a long post so bear with me please.

I have two baby brothers, one who is 6 and one who is 9. The nine year old is the problem. He has become increasingly abusive, angry and violent over the last two years and it is getting to the stage where he is actually hurting me.

Some background on Boo (his pet name):
When my mum and dad split up for 5 years Mum had a couple of boyfriends, one of which is Boo's biological father. Mum and dad got back together when she was pregnant with him and Dad has raised him as his own. He was there at the birth and every day from that point. Boo's biological father stepped back entirely and said that my dad would take better care of Boo. Fair enough.
Boo has only been told he isn't dad's in the last few years, but it hasn't properly clicked for him yet that it means he has ANOTHER DAD somewhere. Mum explained it to him in the most ridiculous way possible. She told him he was like baby Jesus (sigh) because Jesus had two daddys, God and Joseph (sigh again).
The reason mum is so protective and crazy as far as Boo goes is because although his Dad wanted nothing to do with him, his Gran took us to court for custody. We won but mum has forever been over crazy, protective and forgiving of Boo.

Ok, now we have the background story we can get into the nitty gritty. Boo has become increasingly violent over the last few years and it is very well aimed at me. I have never been given the right to chastise Boo in any way and if he does something wrong or says something wrong to me I have no right to do anything about it. This is Mum's rule. The part of the rule that I was unaware of until about a year ago was that if Boo hits me, or hurts me I have no right to restrain him (not hurt him, just stop him hurting me) or tell him off. Apparently I am an adult and should be able to ignore him when he hurts me. I also wasn't informed that he wouldn't get punished for being violent towards me.

He is getting stronger now, and at nine he is up to my chin in height (I'm 5'7, he is a tall 9 year old). It's getting very painful when he hurts me and today was the last straw because out of pure spite because he wasn't getting his way he slammed my hand in the car door. He waited until I was putting the child lock off and slammed it shut. I have a nice bruised and sore hand. A few weeks ago he pushed me into the wall and bruises where the pressure of his hands was on my ribs. Mum told me off for "making a scene in the street" when my hand was caught in the door and then told me to stop being a baby.

It won't take long until he can really REALLY hurt me and I don't know how to deal with this. Dale, my Gran, my Dad everyone has tried to reason with my mum but to no avail. She doesn't treat Conry like this, if he does something wrong he is punished. It's just Boo.

Treating him like this isn't good for him and frankly I am getting really upset about it. Advice please? x

perzephone
28 Aug 2011, 09:33
Well, with your other family members witnessing the behavior & not stepping in, and your younger brother witnessing the activities & storing it away for later, I'd suggest contacting child protective or family services of some kind. If you don't want to go directly to whatever Scotland's intervention agencies are, try a school counselor or even a doctor.

While my nephew's case is an extreme one, it's remarkably similar. My nephew was born with fetal alcohol syndrome & had an abusive father & grandmother. They encouraged him to strike out at his mother (my sister) & his sister, and my sister was always too afraid to discipline him because 'oh, he's got psychological problems, it's not his fault, he doesn't know his own strength, he's got anger issues, he's off his meds...', etc. He was also big for his age - at 12, he was already 6' tall - and he beat & raped a girl before he was 18 (he tried to get into 'wrestling matches' with me - he was taller, but I had the weight advantage & could slam him into walls & ring his bells a little - and I wasn't afraid to fight dirty). He's been in & out of prison ever since - and he still hasn't figured out that he can't just go around hitting people. When he 'accidentally' hurts one of his nieces or nephews, or his own kids, he gets this attitude of boys-will-be-boys, 'aw shucks we was just playin', bats his eyes innocently, and tries to convince his sister or cousins that 'rough-housing' is good for the kids.

Personally, I would have taken whatever consequences came my way and smacked the little snot in return. That's how I was raised, though. And there are all kinds of ways you can smack the crap out of a kid without making it obvious, like casually pushing them into traffic when no one's paying attention...

FantasyWitch
28 Aug 2011, 10:00
I would smack him one back. What I think (and many of my family) feel he needs is a good beating up, because he has got to the stage where nothing else will work.
BUT if I raise my hands to him mum comes down on me like a tonne of bricks.

I either fall out with my mother who I have to live with or put up with getting hurt by my brother.

Amelia-Mary
28 Aug 2011, 10:01
Have you shown your mum the bruises? Maybe it would hit home to her that he really is hurting you quite badly. And you actually do have a right to restrain him, It's called self defense, But do respect your mum's wishes, And only do it when necessary (Not that you need to be told of course) You could always hurt him with your words instead, But that might spark off more physical violence, As would hitting him back. It is quite a conundrum -hug- Good luck :)

Dez
28 Aug 2011, 10:22
This might be a case where you need your military-trained boyfriend to step in from outside the family mess and scare some sense into him.

FantasyWitch
28 Aug 2011, 10:32
Actually, Dale has offered. But my big sister instinct stops me letting him. I know he would help because he has offered. Boo is on Dale's "16s List", which means when Boo turns 16 he will get the beating of his life.

But 16 is far to late! I'm starting to wonder whither I should have started the topic. He's a good kid really, and he has the potnetial to be smart. Its all down to my mum. She is the real problem.

Medusa
28 Aug 2011, 16:17
Smack him and deal with mom. Just do it.

Dez
28 Aug 2011, 20:08
I know the real issue is your mom, Hun...I had something similar happen with my youngest brother. I wish I had better answers...

perzephone
28 Aug 2011, 21:29
I'm starting to wonder whither I should have started the topic.

Were you expecting people to just agree with letting a kid beat you up?


He's a good kid really, and he has the potential to be smart.

There is another alternative that I didn't think of earlier. Maybe you could suggest to your mom that he be enrolled in some kind of martial arts program or high-contact sport or something. It could help channel his aggressiveness in a more constructive manner. Of course, it might give him more tactics to use against you, but at least you'd get a break while he's at his class.

Shadow Dragon
28 Aug 2011, 21:54
Smack him and deal with mom. Just do it.
I agree with Medusa. It's better to get bitched at than to let him keep hurting you. And by the sounds of it, he'll keep doing it until someone stops him.

FantasyWitch
28 Aug 2011, 22:54
Were you expecting people to just agree with letting a kid beat you up?



No no no, don't be silly :P It's just that this is a hard topic to talk about. I've tried to start this thread several times in the last year but decided against it at the last minute. I'm also used to getting shot down over the subject. I didn't mean to get so defensive. Sorry :)

Actually a martial arts class would be helpful if the instructor was very firm. Boo needs a really strong hand or he won't respect the authority of the person at all. That's his main problem at school, all the teachers are young women who are incredible soft touches. Like my mother.

Medusa
29 Aug 2011, 00:49
No no no, don't be silly :P It's just that this is a hard topic to talk about. I've tried to start this thread several times in the last year but decided against it at the last minute. I'm also used to getting shot down over the subject. I didn't mean to get so defensive. Sorry :)

Actually a martial arts class would be helpful if the instructor was very firm. Boo needs a really strong hand or he won't respect the authority of the person at all. That's his main problem at school, all the teachers are young women who are incredible soft touches. Like my mother.

Every single one of us is on your side.

Here is the hard truth. If he thinks he can do certain violent actions without any consequences..well guess what happens when he's 15 and kicks some kid's face in? He's going to be taken away. So being soft and wishy washy now is just giving him the key to jail years on down the line. The great fact of life..if you HIT someone first there are going to be consequences. And if he doesn't learn that now, he's going to learn it from some bigger kid in jail. And that's not all he's going to learn there. In fact I'd print this out and show your mum. She's being a bad mother. Yeah. I said it. Doesn't mean she's a bad woman. Just means she's a bad mother to that particular child. She's doing him no favors. He may be cute now. But you know what it's going to be like in a few short years.

Dez
29 Aug 2011, 06:22
I've been thinking about this a lot, too...and I think I have another tactic you could take. It would be playing hardball, but it might work.

Sit down, just you and your mother in a neutral public location, maybe take her out to lunch or something...keeping emotion out and blaming your brother as little as possible, outline the sort of physical damage you've received when he gets angry. Point out that as an artist, in that last fit of temper he could have broken your hand, making you unable to paint. Point out that the next step from there would be doctor's bills. He's getting old enough, that if he thinks it's fine to do this to you, then he's going to be beating up his girlfriends in less then 5 years time.

No mother should have to choose between her children, but tell her that if he can't learn to control his behavior, then you can't be where he is. Even if that includes not attending important family events and holidays. You can't put your safety and well-being on the line for that.

Simon Slade
29 Aug 2011, 08:21
And if you can't have the conversation for your own good, then think about what might happen when your mother is the only woman in the house. Or even your youngest brother.

Clive
01 Sep 2011, 10:33
It's purely a knee-jerk reaction and definitely not the right thing to do, but if I were in your position I'd be beating the hell out of my mother.

In all seriousness, though, I agree with Deseret. The first thing to do is to talk to your mother calmly and rationally. Explain to her how much this kid hurts you, show her the marks he's left on you. Tell her how important it is for this boy to learn discipline while there's still time. If being calm doesn't work then get a little more assertive and tell her she's being a terrible mother by ruining her son's life and allowing him to negatively affect the lives of others (and that's putting it mildly).

If talking to Mom doesn't work then you should definitely go to your Child Protective Services or equivalent. Children are basically lumps of clay. They are shaped and molded by their environment, especially their parents. Shaping a child into an abusive jerk is no less than child abuse in my book, and by allowing Boo to act this way in front of his younger brother your mother is effectively passing this aggressiveness down to him. Violence and abuse are vicious cycles that do not stop until somebody intervenes and it's a hell of a lot easier to reform a younger child than to rehabilitate a teenager or adult.

thalassa
01 Sep 2011, 10:39
I think you probably need to talk to the other family--if they are seeing this as well, and not saying anything, they are enabling the behavior. As much as you probably need to have this talk with your mom, you probably need other people to have this talk with her as well or she will chalk it up to *just you*--it seems like she is so far in denial about this, its not even funny. Sort of like an intervention or something--she is ruining her child...and allowing him behavior that is not going to serve him well in the future. Heck, I'd figure out how to get someone to get it on film if I could, just to physically show her in a way where she can't brush it aside.

Dez
01 Sep 2011, 14:50
It's purely a knee-jerk reaction and definitely not the right thing to do, but if I were in your position I'd be beating the hell out of my mother.

In all seriousness, though, I agree with Deseret. The first thing to do is to talk to your mother calmly and rationally. Explain to her how much this kid hurts you, show her the marks he's left on you. Tell her how important it is for this boy to learn discipline while there's still time. If being calm doesn't work then get a little more assertive and tell her she's being a terrible mother by ruining her son's life and allowing him to negatively affect the lives of others (and that's putting it mildly).

If talking to Mom doesn't work then you should definitely go to your Child Protective Services or equivalent. Children are basically lumps of clay. They are shaped and molded by their environment, especially their parents. Shaping a child into an abusive jerk is no less than child abuse in my book, and by allowing Boo to act this way in front of his younger brother your mother is effectively passing this aggressiveness down to him. Violence and abuse are vicious cycles that do not stop until somebody intervenes and it's a hell of a lot easier to reform a younger child than to rehabilitate a teenager or adult.

And if it *isn't* behavior being molded by your mother?

There are a number of psychological issues that really start to become visible when a child reaches adolescence. It's also entirely possible that there is some sort of major issue at play here, and your mother ignoring it isn't helping him if that's the case.