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wind
21 Feb 2012, 18:16
okay so I have a problem that keeps bringing me down. Its been like this for awhile. ( Id say 3 months not actually that long) I'll start off liking a guy but then he ends up being straight. Then I feel bad for them, because I dont want to creep them out. (Just like I dont want a girl hitting on me) I dont hit on straight guys because I think its disrespectful and I like to respect them. Its just hard because I fall hard for them. My current situation is very different from all of them. Everyone tells me to stop thinking about dating somone. I try so hard. I occupy myself with other things and dont worry about it. Then it comes up somehow. I am starting to fall for my friends brother. (She says she doesnt care, and she knew it anyways) We both think he is gay, because he gives off hints.(And not like manerisms because I dont judge somone on there manerism) Like one time there was no one on the couch, she sat on the chair and I sat near the table. He comes down stairs and could perfectly sit on the couch ,but instead sits near me. I catch him sometimes staring at me, then when I look he will look away. Its weird. I talk about girls around him, yet he doesnt seem to find interest. One time I said oh this persons hot, and hes like No hes not. And I get so confused cause he said hes straight. I dont like jumping to conclusions saying oh hes gay, but he shows so many signs. I. Also his sister says that he looks up to me as a romodel so maybe thats it. But its just weird how when we are sitting on the couch he always (well use to) sit right next to me. Now lately he makes it seem like hes playing somone who he isnt. Before he would N EVER go "oh shes hot". We would never talk about sexuality, and now he always says "shes hot" at moments when its unnessairy. I dont know, it just bothers me and it plays tricks in my mind. I dont know if he is gay, or if hes actually straight or bisexual or whatever. If he is in the closet I dont want to pressure him or anything because that isnt nice either. So I think I might just go as things like usual and let the universe take care of it. But Its just harddd and im all over the place. Any suggestions or thoughts? (and this friend of mine she is my best friend and there family adores me)

Jembru
12 Mar 2012, 03:08
I've been there myself and although my friends have always been understanding, if they didn't return my feelings, I often behaved quite childishly and couldn't let go of the fantasy I had in my mind of us together. I am not gay though, I am bisexual, but it took me many years to realise I could be attracted to males, so long as they were able to express themselves and communicate in the way women do (it is this communication, and the way my partners can also be my best friends, that I am attracted to). Although I admit that I have a few issues with the male body, my love is strong enough to overcome this.

Does your friend know YOU are gay? When I had crushes on my friends, I found that the first step was being open about my sexuality. This would more often than not, lead to them discussing their own feelings and at least giving me a clue as to whether or not they'd be interested in me. Having said that, woman do tend to be a little more open to such things, so I would understand your hesitation.

If he does know about your orientation, it may be that this information has made him think about his own feelings and triggered a bicuriosity that he is struggling to make sense of. That's not to say he'll go one way or another, but a lot of young people go through this phase of confusion. Pushing him one way or another, wouldn't be very helpful to him, but being open about your own experiences could at least let him know there is someone with whom he can open up to.

Ultermately, you have to be prepared for this guy to decline your advances. Even if he IS gay, that doesn't necessarily mean he's going to want a relationship with you. There are so many other factors that could come into play.. he might have a specific 'type', he might not feel ready for a relationship, he might not want to lose your friendship if it all goes wrong.

The mistake I kept making, was that I wouldn't accept 'no' for an answer. Although I didn't keep badgering them, I did convince myself that they just needed time and if I could be good enough, they'd return my feelings eventually. This caused me to do very childish and selfish things, like to create a scene if they were chatted up by guys in bars. I'm not proud of this behaviour, but I was extremely immature for my age at the time, and struggled with a few mental health issues. I almost lost a LOT of wonderful friends through this.

It's not always easy, but if you love someone, really, really love them unconditionally, then to have them in your life at all, even if only as a friend, is far better than to lose them forever because you tried to force something that simply wasn't for them.

Best of luck to you and I hope it works out.

anunitu
12 Mar 2012, 06:13
Any relationship can be problematic,Gay or straight. I myself ran into something like you described while I was married. While going to Junior college I used to sit with a couple during class breaks. It was just the three of us for a while,and it was mainly just BS. Then a young women joined our little coffee clutch. Some background,because my EX was SDA,neither of us wore wedding rings,that is a thing that SDA's do not do. Never in our meetings did I give any indications I was interested in this younger woman. One day I mentioned my EX(wife at the time) and this woman went ballistic,and started this rant about how I had betrayed her. It seems she had built some idea that there was a connection between her and I. I was caught completely off guard by this. It seems that in her mind she had created our connection,and a deeply delusional idea there was something that was not there. I thought to myself "Stalker",and I did try to explain to her there was no connection,other than friends that talked on breaks.

wind
12 Mar 2012, 12:58
thanks guys for replying. I just get confused because lately when Im at my friends house , her brother (her brother is the one I have the cursh on) always calls me up into his room. He texts me the most randmess things ever. And just the other day hes like "wanna look aT HALF naked men on the screen, you can see there butts" Another thing I did when I was hanging out at my friends house is we were making pizza. Then the brother (the crush) comes down seeing thaT I am having trouble making the dough so he takes it from my hands and starts kneeding it with his hands. But my hands are close his too. like he was geting involed. as I kneeded the dough, he held down the board. It just gets confusing, all of asking me to near him, helping me, or texting me random things just to have an exucse to talk to me. It may be because he sees me as a "brother type" but if he did, I dont think he would do the things he does randomly. His sister called him gay the other day, and hes like "I am not" and got all denfensive. Most people who are not gay, dont get defensive. I sat there like this is awkward. Then she said "its okay if your gay you know" and he said very softly and quietly, and got red "I know.... im not.." Its the way he said it. Then that got me confused. lol Im always confused. Thanks for sharing your wisdom guys <3

Jembru
13 Mar 2012, 03:28
Okay, from that, it does sound as though he is trying to get a reaction out of you (so I'm going to assume he does know you are gay). His motivation for this behaviour is impossible to determine without him talking to you about it, but he could like you.. he could also be acting out... testing his sexuality, OR, he could be doing it for attention. This last one, I had happen a lot back in my uni days. Girls who knew I was gay, would deliberately flirt with me, even though they themselves were straight. It was an ego thing for them. It was exactly the same as flirting with guys they had no interest in; because any positive attention gave their ego a little boost and increased their self-confidence. I learnt not to take this to heart, but it DID lead to some embarrassing situations (I'm very forward and will make the first move if I like someone.. so you can imagine!).

I've never personally heard of guys doing this, but there are no hard and fast rules on what is female behaviour and what is male behaviour, so I daresay guys are just as capable of this.

My hope for you is that you get a clear answer sooner rather than later. It's not nice to be left guessing like this, even though he probably isn't doing this intentionally. I also hope you won't miss opportunities with other potential partners, while you wait for this guy to decide how he sees you.

wind
13 Mar 2012, 06:46
I think I am going to go with the flow and let it all fall out into place. I wont miss oppertunites with other guys either because where I live there are a very view homosexual men. Im going to see and let things happen. I dont think hes doing it to get a rise or anything, I just think hes in denial, and is waiting for a proper time to come out.I say this because everytime his sister calls him gay, he gets all defensive but embarassed at the same time. Most guys would be like "No im not" without getting all embarassed and beat red. Thanks for replying and blessed be!! Hope you have goodluck in your upcoming months <3