Was Pagan, then Atheist...now I'm a bit lost...

[LenaBena]

I would like to start off my introducing myself. My (actual) name is Aleina. I'm 26 years old and mother to a wonderful 2 year old, ok...wonderful MOST of the time haha. I'm on this message board to help me find my path in life again and connect with real people. =]

I feel like my life has gone from good (childhood), to horribly awful (teenager), back to good (I found the love of my life, we've been with each other for 7 years and we have a beautiful child together) and after a few years I've been on a steady decline ebbing on bad again. I don't know what's changed so drastically. The only real and true thing that is coming to mind is that I've lost my faith in Paganism. I stripped myself bare of anything to do with religion and religious aspects in life claiming that any and all of it is bullshit. This was mostly because I don't want to expose my child to it just yet and I want the ultimate decision to be left to him. However, in doing this and casting away anything like that, becoming a complete atheist I've realized something. I'm not an atheist. I'm just a hypocrite. Now more conventional forms of religion I don't agree with which is why I became a Pagan in the first place. It was the only belief system that ever made any sort of logical sense to me and it made me feel...right? Back when I first started practicing there was never a time before, or after, that I was so in touch with myself, who I am as a person, who I want to be, the life forces all around me and a sense of belonging and happiness. After a few years (I was practicing by myself and couldn't find a coven in my area that weren't complete nutters) I felt myself and sense of resolve in it slipping. My mother was born into a catholic religion yet had always taught me that I can practice whatever I wanted as long as I had faith in something. Well whenever I tried talking to ANYBODY about it and trying to find any sort of advice on said issue they would just stand there and stare. So, now here I am nearly 10 years after I found Paganism and 3-4 years after denouncing everything struggling to find my way back to it and back to myself again. I feel like there's this hole where the goddess used to be and I can't seem to find the means of filling it again. I've tried meditation (during my son's nap times), I've tried grounding and I've tried calling forth what used to be there for me whenever I needed it. Now I feel as if perhaps they've turned their backs on me as well, probably not but feeling will be feelings *sigh*. I could use some help. Please, if you have any ideas or recommendations feel free to share them!! =]
Thanks, Lena Bena

[Lady of Flowers]

Re: Was Pagan, then Atheist...now I'm a bit lost...

Hi LenaBena, I don't know if this will help you, I am writing from my soul though so I hope it does. Whenever I feel as you do I turn to the elements. I breathe the air, soak up the sun, drink some fresh water and feel my earth planted firmly on the earth. It's a very simple technique that keeps me close to everything that matters.

It also occurs to me that maybe wearing a label, like Pagan, or any other religious label can limit one. I consider myself Pagan, I'm very eclectic though.

[Willow]

Re: Was Pagan, then Atheist...now I'm a bit lost...

*breaks out the magnifying glass*

You can't really blame the ebb and flow on religious affiliation. Everyone's been having a hard time the last few years, it's just part of the cycle. Your son doesn't need to be exposed to it, even if you are practicing it, unless you want him to be. He probably wouldn't even know any of it had to do with spirituality unless you told him, not until he was much older. By that point all you have to say is that you're fine with him exploring his own path and that you won't do or say anything to hinder that unless he asks you for some insight or advice.

There's no reason that you shouldn't be a solitary practitioner, many people are. You don't need a coven in order to follow that path (although it is nice at times). Join an online coven, chat in the forums, read the witchvox articles, and whatever else you need to do to feel connected to other pagans in the world. Not everyone will know enough to be able to give you the information or conversation you seem to want at this point, and it's not their fault that they've never really felt the urge to look into it before. You just need to broaden your population base (i.e. use the forums :P).

Your grounding/meditation techniques may only not work because on some level you don't think they will, because you're expecting it to prove itself to you that it works even though you remain a skeptic. Relax, keep trying because practice does make a difference, and it will come back to you.

[Maria de Luna]

Re: Was Pagan, then Atheist...now I'm a bit lost...

Labels bug me and maybe you don't need them? Hello, sorry, but it seems like the big problem is thatyou don't want to feel like you are forcing anything on your child. My husband is very much an athiest and I am not at all an athiest, but when we do have a child we will lbe bringing them up in the universalist unitarian church. Many of them have lovely programs, and wonderful education programs that tend to value spiritual exploration rather than religious dogma. I know it isn't for everyone, but even my husband likes the approach. They are very inclusive and instead of exposing your child to nothing it is more like opening up all of his options, and making him aware of them. Just an opinion from me.

[LenaBena]

Re: Was Pagan, then Atheist...now I'm a bit lost...

Ljubezen: I don't and wouldn't place blame on any one thing. It's true that labels don't suit me much but if it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck than I'm going to call it a duck. I don't believe that I'm going into this as a skeptic, I never expected things to magically back to the way they once were and that it won't take time. I know it will but i almost feel as if there's something I'm not getting, something I'm missing, perhaps ill look into that a bit more...On another note the reason I'd like to belong to a coven is because being a solitary practitioner isn't what I need any longer. I need to belong to something, to truly be a part of it. I've tried online covens but I prefer talking to people (for the most part anyway) face to face. Ill loo into it again, who knows maybe I was searching for something that doesn't exist and need to broaden my horizon on that front.
Maria: I didn't even know a place like that existed! Do they literally go into every religious aspect or those mainly focused on Christianity? Sounds very interesting!

Lady: Thank you for the advice. That's what I use to do but working full one and raising a kid (even with help from my hubby) leaves me with very little time to myself. I think I may new to set aside time to do that again. =]

[Willow]

Re: Was Pagan, then Atheist...now I'm a bit lost...

Where did I bring up ducks?

Have you ever considered forming your own coven?

[nbdy]

Re: Was Pagan, then Atheist...now I'm a bit lost...

For what it is worth, I have three children who are now older and I simply do what I do and explain in very basic terms my motivations when asked, eg, "because I am grateful," "because it is good for us," etc. Of course there are things that are private, that is true for everyone no matter what their faith or lack thereof. They understand that their spiritual decisions are entirely their own.

[Maria de Luna]

Re: Was Pagan, then Atheist...now I'm a bit lost...

Maria: I didn't even know a place like that existed! Do they literally go into every religious aspect or those mainly focused on Christianity? Sounds very interesting!

It started out from what I can tell as a christian movement, and alot of what they go into really depends on where you are located, but tithing members get to vote and make decisions within the congregation. regardless of what your other affiliation may be. The more different peoples involved means the more different ideas will be around. My local UU church has so many different people from so many different areas, and walks of life, it means I get to learn from many different people. I am not a tithing member myself, and I do not have the opportunity to attend regularly, but finding a group of people with the general feeling that everyone has a right to believe what they want to and no one is more "right" than anyone else. I think it is an awesome thing to find, and if one is available near you it is at least worth checking out.