Hiding In Plain Sight

[EndlessCravings]

Re: Hiding In Plain Sight

Really? I didn't notice, I thought you were just talking, lol.

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Almost had an episode again tonight. I'm starting to wonder if I just need a day to myself with no one around me. I'll take what I can get but me just being holed up in the room isn't going to keep me away from everyone. I'm glad that I managed to calm down. Usually my episodes involve me losing control and smashing and breaking things, crying, screaming, and being the aggressor. Not sure what to say about it other than my last actual episode was years ago. I wonder if I'm falling into depression again or generally just tired of putting on a mask every single day. I feel like a rubber band that's been so tightly wounded that it's threatening to snap. As I write this I'm a bit more calm. Everyone is asleep, there isn't any yelling in the house. People seem to mistake that we are devoid of emotions. Some, not all. Of course we don't feel guilt, not sure what to say on that matter. These are just some thoughts that have been rolling around and swimming through my head. The predatory feelings are so weird. Weird as in I don't know how to describe it. Something you would have to feel yourself to understand. I keep looking at another person that I know, like she's a toy. I wouldn't be surprised if she was like me. She seems like me. Something I noticed. I observe her behavior because I know there's something off about her. She's interesting to me. I'm looking at her like she's the beautiful Gazelle and I'm the powerful Lioness.
Sometimes I wonder if she understands what's going on.

Oops. These weren't supposed to be in the same message.

[EndlessCravings]

Re: Hiding In Plain Sight

I just meant that it was getting to be a long and ranty list of things I dislike about other people. I sounded pretty grouchy.

Really? I didn't notice, I thought you were just talking, lol.

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Almost had an episode again tonight. I'm starting to wonder if I just need a day to myself with no one around me. I'll take what I can get but me just being holed up in the room isn't going to keep me away from everyone. I'm glad that I managed to calm down. Usually my episodes involve me losing control and smashing and breaking things, crying, screaming, and being the aggressor. Not sure what to say about it other than my last actual episode was years ago. I wonder if I'm falling into depression again or generally just tired of putting on a mask every single day. I feel like a rubber band that's been so tightly wounded that it's threatening to snap. As I write this I'm a bit more calm. Everyone is asleep, there isn't any yelling in the house. People seem to mistake that we are devoid of emotions. Some, not all. Of course we don't feel guilt, not sure what to say on that matter. These are just some thoughts that have been rolling around and swimming through my head. The predatory feelings are so weird. Weird as in I don't know how to describe it. Something you would have to feel yourself to understand. I keep looking at another person that I know, like she's a toy. I wouldn't be surprised if she was like me. She seems like me. Something I noticed. I observe her behavior because I know there's something off about her. She's interesting to me. I'm looking at her like she's the beautiful Gazelle and I'm the powerful Lioness.
Sometimes I wonder if she understands what's going on.

[Prickly Pear]

Re: Hiding In Plain Sight

I just meant that it was getting to be a long and ranty list of things I dislike about other people. I sounded pretty grouchy.

[EndlessCravings]

Re: Hiding In Plain Sight

Blech, fake talk in general. Gossip disguised as concern. Stupid news items that make no sense if you put any sort of thought into them. People treating blatant lies as fact. Valuing people based on their financial worth rather than their human qualities. The list goes on. I feel pretty curmudgeonly right about now.

I don't know if you're being friendly or looking for tips on dealing with more emotional people. Either is fine. I think basic small talk is a kind of necessary fake talk, but there is a kind of "Oh, aren't we best friends but not really" kind of interaction that I find exhausting. I guess I like sincerity. I'm like Linus. I don't know how encouraging this explanation is to you. I suspect you need to be insincere more often than others. But you have been pretty up front about your struggle in your posts so maybe not so challenging as all that.

I think it's okay to say " I see you are really upset about those animals. I agree it's bad, but I don't have a way of discussing it with you without us both getting angry." Sincere enough, but not fake. For a stranger "I really can't talk about that, it's too hard for me". Those would both work for me, although family is different sometimes because of history.

Anyway, this is pretty rambling. I suspect your skills are pretty good already. Hope you are feeling better.

What does this mean? "I feel pretty curmudgeonly right about now."

I can deal with emotional people. I mean, it pisses me off a lot, but I can deal with them. And I am feeling better, thank you. I find a lot of interactions exhausting. I feel like everything is an act.

[Prickly Pear]

Re: Hiding In Plain Sight

Blech, fake talk in general. Gossip disguised as concern. Stupid news items that make no sense if you put any sort of thought into them. People treating blatant lies as fact. Valuing people based on their financial worth rather than their human qualities. The list goes on. I feel pretty curmudgeonly right about now.

I don't know if you're being friendly or looking for tips on dealing with more emotional people. Either is fine. I think basic small talk is a kind of necessary fake talk, but there is a kind of "Oh, aren't we best friends but not really" kind of interaction that I find exhausting. I guess I like sincerity. I'm like Linus. I don't know how encouraging this explanation is to you. I suspect you need to be insincere more often than others. But you have been pretty up front about your struggle in your posts so maybe not so challenging as all that.

I think it's okay to say " I see you are really upset about those animals. I agree it's bad, but I don't have a way of discussing it with you without us both getting angry." Sincere enough, but not fake. For a stranger "I really can't talk about that, it's too hard for me". Those would both work for me, although family is different sometimes because of history.

Anyway, this is pretty rambling. I suspect your skills are pretty good already. Hope you are feeling better.

[EndlessCravings]

Re: Hiding In Plain Sight

I'm glad it's better today.

I get exhausted because I care lots about things people treat shallowly(which is not a real word).

I do think it is worth your effort to try. Good on ya for that.

What things do people treat in a shallow fashion that you care about?

[EndlessCravings]

Re: Hiding In Plain Sight

I'm glad it's better today.

I get exhausted because I care lots about things people treat shallowly(which is not a real word).

I do think it is worth your effort to try. Good on ya for that.

Thanks, Love! I definitely do try, I won't lie about that. I'm sure my down time and view of fun is pretty different than everyone else's. I have to learn and try to control myself. I'm doing a lot better than I was years ago. When I was stealing, lying, fighting, and a lot of other stuff.

[Prickly Pear]

Re: Hiding In Plain Sight

I'm glad it's better today.

I get exhausted because I care lots about things people treat shallowly(which is not a real word).

I do think it is worth your effort to try. Good on ya for that.

[EndlessCravings]

Re: Hiding In Plain Sight

I don't want to step on you here, Endless Cravings, so please tell me if I'm off base. I think lots of people confuse ASPD with introversion, when in fact, people with ASPD are often quite outgoing, charismatic people. The difference is in the depth of empathetic emotional response. To me it sounds like you are worn out with the pretending to respond empathetically that you have to do to get along.

Based on this and other posts you have made, it sounds as if you have been working hard at blending and trying not to upset others. This must be exhausting. I do hope it works out for you and those around you. Do you have a place to recharge your energy where you can avoid upsetting others?

You're not stepping on my toes at all, Prickly Pear! I'm pretty outgoing and sociable, charismatic, too. But it's all a mask because underneath all of that I actually really don't care, y'know?
And yep, I am pretty burnt out from trying to respond empathetically. I've been using it a lot more than usual, becoming absorbed in the act and I can sorta recharge in my house. Even then I have relatives coming to me to empathize with them about animal abuse, and things that happen. The other day when I almost had an episode I was just really tired of everything but I think I'm doing a lot better today. Thanks so much for your input!

[Prickly Pear]

Re: Hiding In Plain Sight

I don't want to step on you here, Endless Cravings, so please tell me if I'm off base. I think lots of people confuse ASPD with introversion, when in fact, people with ASPD are often quite outgoing, charismatic people. The difference is in the depth of empathetic emotional response. To me it sounds like you are worn out with the pretending to respond empathetically that you have to do to get along.

Based on this and other posts you have made, it sounds as if you have been working hard at blending and trying not to upset others. This must be exhausting. I do hope it works out for you and those around you. Do you have a place to recharge your energy where you can avoid upsetting others?

[EndlessCravings]

Re: Hiding In Plain Sight

I do understand the ASPD thing,might actually define me in some ways. Used to think I was kind of like Spock. It can be off putting to others when your vision of society in general feels like looking in from the outside. I have learned to be social when the need arises,but generally I stay away from to much social interaction because I can take only so much of human interaction.

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One other thing,when I was in the mental health system,and did the therapist thing(my issue at the time was severe depression) I found the definition of Personality disorder and asked my Therapist if I might be like that. What I found out was,therapist's hate dealing with a person with ASPD because it is one of the most difficult to deal with over all the others.

Honestly, I don't necessarily blame them. Personality disorders are pretty messed up, and I know a lot of other people with ASPD get dropped by their therapist o psych for manipulating them. Which seems to play a big factor. Though, there are some who actually choose not to manipulate and cause havoc. It's a spectrum and it's different for everyone.

[anunitu]

Re: Hiding In Plain Sight

I do understand the ASPD thing,might actually define me in some ways. Used to think I was kind of like Spock. It can be off putting to others when your vision of society in general feels like looking in from the outside. I have learned to be social when the need arises,but generally I stay away from to much social interaction because I can take only so much of human interaction.

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One other thing,when I was in the mental health system,and did the therapist thing(my issue at the time was severe depression) I found the definition of Personality disorder and asked my Therapist if I might be like that. What I found out was,therapist's hate dealing with a person with ASPD because it is one of the most difficult to deal with over all the others.

[EndlessCravings]

Re: Hiding In Plain Sight

Being someone who isn't social, I can understand that. Maybe there is no medication for this. However, you're not completely out of options. Try meditation, maybe it will help. Or relaxing music, if you're not into meditation.

Oh, I'm a very social person. And I've tried, it doesn't do anything then I get bored.

[Gleb]

Re: Hiding In Plain Sight

Okay. Thank you. The thing about aspd is that it's a personality disorder. You're born with it or you develop it and in this day and age I don't think there will be an effective treatment any time soon. You either have help or you don't and not everyone gets the mental help that they need. (ASPD being Anti-Social Personality Disorder)

Being someone who isn't social, I can understand that. Maybe there is no medication for this. However, you're not completely out of options. Try meditation, maybe it will help. Or relaxing music, if you're not into meditation.

[EndlessCravings]

Re: Hiding In Plain Sight

Usually what you describe is caused by some kind of trauma or bad experience. Because logically, people don't start feeling this thing out of nothing. I think trauma is caused BY something. Different experiences require different solutions and approaches. If you describe the experience you had, the one that caused the trauma (it's ok if it's more than one experience), then we'll be able to move further. If you want to, you can send me a pm, if it will make you feel better.

Okay. Thank you. The thing about aspd is that it's a personality disorder. You're born with it or you develop it and in this day and age I don't think there will be an effective treatment any time soon. You either have help or you don't and not everyone gets the mental help that they need. (ASPD being Anti-Social Personality Disorder)