A lone path can be full of Thorns
Hello all. I go by Allen Rider as my connections with my birth name have been severed and I am still looking for my Magikal name, but I guess I will be Saruteku on the forums.
In short, I am rather young, only 23, and my life's journey has been full of darkness. I have been homeless, isolated, abused, labeled insane, abandoned, all kinds of things that many believe I didn't deserve and many say would have made them give up. My dad's side have branded me demonic, even before I learned about the pagan faiths, back when I though Christian and Catholic were the only options as I never believed that a loving god would ever punish us eternally in hell for our choices, especially if they are all powerful and already know our future. It felt as if life was a test you could not pass as he puts all the trials and sadness in your path and expects you to love him nonstop. I refused to worship something that seemed so cruel. I never felt I fit in with my dad's side of the family and my mom left when I was 5.
Funny enough while watching cartoons Scooby Doo and the Witches Ghost came on and that is when I first heard about Wicca. I looked up as much as I could and decided it sounded more like me than the faith I was forced to follow. I really started getting into it when I left my family and joined the military and found out Wicca was one of the religions I was allowed to go to, but things got bad again and when I left the military I moved in with someone that was scared about anything pagan, thinking I would curse them or something. I stopped all of my study and forgot a lot of it. Even throwing away my old books and the Book of Shadows I had at the time.
Now I am in a better place. I have found my mom and she has made it clear that my outer struggles are over. I will not know what it is like to be homeless, or hungry, or alone as long as she could help, but that is only half of the problem. Recently I have not felt right, and when I started having bad dreams I found I needed to reopen my faith, to reawaken the part of me that fought threw all of the bad times and that believed even when there was no reason to. I am a solitary apprentice that has returned to try and reignite the spark I lost when I gave up. Only problem is Pagan is such a big word and I'm not even sure where my faith is based on, though I guess that's the real beauty of it, to forge my own path, one made just for me, even if it crosses someone elses I chose the path to meet another.
I guess that was a good enough Introduction and that I should save the rest for other posts. I look foward to talking to others and growing with everyone.
In short, I am rather young, only 23, and my life's journey has been full of darkness. I have been homeless, isolated, abused, labeled insane, abandoned, all kinds of things that many believe I didn't deserve and many say would have made them give up. My dad's side have branded me demonic, even before I learned about the pagan faiths, back when I though Christian and Catholic were the only options as I never believed that a loving god would ever punish us eternally in hell for our choices, especially if they are all powerful and already know our future. It felt as if life was a test you could not pass as he puts all the trials and sadness in your path and expects you to love him nonstop. I refused to worship something that seemed so cruel. I never felt I fit in with my dad's side of the family and my mom left when I was 5.
Funny enough while watching cartoons Scooby Doo and the Witches Ghost came on and that is when I first heard about Wicca. I looked up as much as I could and decided it sounded more like me than the faith I was forced to follow. I really started getting into it when I left my family and joined the military and found out Wicca was one of the religions I was allowed to go to, but things got bad again and when I left the military I moved in with someone that was scared about anything pagan, thinking I would curse them or something. I stopped all of my study and forgot a lot of it. Even throwing away my old books and the Book of Shadows I had at the time.
Now I am in a better place. I have found my mom and she has made it clear that my outer struggles are over. I will not know what it is like to be homeless, or hungry, or alone as long as she could help, but that is only half of the problem. Recently I have not felt right, and when I started having bad dreams I found I needed to reopen my faith, to reawaken the part of me that fought threw all of the bad times and that believed even when there was no reason to. I am a solitary apprentice that has returned to try and reignite the spark I lost when I gave up. Only problem is Pagan is such a big word and I'm not even sure where my faith is based on, though I guess that's the real beauty of it, to forge my own path, one made just for me, even if it crosses someone elses I chose the path to meet another.
I guess that was a good enough Introduction and that I should save the rest for other posts. I look foward to talking to others and growing with everyone.
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