Moving In Together--Is Coming Out Inevitable?

[Tahemet1491]

Hi! I wanted to get some advice about my current situation, which I suspect will get a little rambling, for which I apologize:

I've been in a relationship for about a year and half now, and we recently made the decision to move in together. We've found a place, and everything is pretty much set to go...but I am getting concerned about the fact that my partner does not strictly know I am pagan.

To be clear, I've never LIED about my beliefs, I've just never--ahem--labeled them.

Mostly because I've noticed that when people understand the details of what I believe, it's usually fine, but words like "pagan" just seem to panic/bother people unnecessarily.

My family is aware of my beliefs, and is supportive, but they found out over a decade ago, when my practice began, and since then I have not really "come out of the broom closet" to anyone new I encountered, preferring to keep a pretty low profile.

This is partly because of my own personality, and partly because my profession (I'm a mathematician) is such that my credibility could be somewhat hurt by a belief system that isn't mainstream. Silly, I know, but...eh.

The natural outcroppings of my religion haven't been hidden from my partner; he's seen my altar at my home (although he may not have recognized it as such), and has seen me writing in my BoS, seen the books on paganism I have in my personal book collection, etc.

Throughout our relationship so far, I have been able to keep an altar and conduct rituals in my own home, but now obviously we will be sharing space...I don't know if I need to be more up front about things, more explicit?

I would prefer not to be for a few reasons, mainly that paganism is something of great value to me that I like to keep private and personal, and that I am afraid that he may misunderstand my feelings on this as deceptive (as in, "why have you hidden this from me for so long!") I've certainly always been up front about WHAT I believe, just not what I'd call it.

Moreover, I am a big fan of the general spirit of "to be silent" although I guess that's a little more of a Wiccan thing... so even if he is totally accepting I don't want to have to announce that I need some time to do a ritual... It just sullies it for me a little bit when anyone knows what I'm doing. I hope that makes sense and doesn't sound super paranoid.

Do I just put up my altar and address any questions that may come of that? Do I disappear for a couple hours at a time when I need to do a ritual? Do we sit down and have "the talk"? Is it okay for me to keep this part of me to myself, and just explain what needs explaining rather than laying it all out there?

Let me know what you think, and if anyone out there has similar feelings about their practice and has struggled with the tension of keeping things private for the sake of their spiritual needs vs. not wanting to feel dishonest, I would love to know if/how you've resolved that!

Thank you all in advance for your help, I really appreciate it!

[Norse_Angel]

Re: Moving In Together--Is Coming Out Inevitable?

Coming from a situation with many similarities, I'd say address the questions when they come. If the questions are in numbers, have the talk, sit down, and be honest as to what you do and why you didn't tell him earlier. Honesty is key.
You could keep it hidden but this will not end well

[Munin-Hugin]

Re: Moving In Together--Is Coming Out Inevitable?

Honestly, I think that you should come right out and say just what you did here to him. "Here's the deal, honey. I'm a pagan, this is my altar, I do some stuff, and it's super important to me. The thing is, while I'll gladly answer any questions you may have about it, this is MY thing, something that is part of me and I want to keep it mine and mine alone. Okay?" Hiding it is bad, very bad. Not only can it come across as keeping something from him, but it sort of seems that 1) you deep down feel embarrassed by it and so don't want people to know, and 2) don't trust him enough to tell him about something so important to you.

I never, ever kept it a secret how I believed, but even with full disclosure my ex and I had gotten into a huge argument about it when it dawned on her just what I had been saying the whole time. It was rather ugly, especially since it was part of a conversation about children.

[Azvanna]

Re: Moving In Together--Is Coming Out Inevitable?

If he's seen all the stuff you've mentioned, he's probably put two and two together by now, anyway. Why don't you ask him about his beliefs and then he might ask you about yours and see where it goes from there? I've found having these talks with anyone other than fundamentalists turns out to be a lot less worse than I thought.

[thalassa]

Re: Moving In Together--Is Coming Out Inevitable?

Yes. If your relationship is to the point of moving in together, I think you need to let him know you are Pagan. If for no other reason than if he finds out on his own, he's going to feel lied to and a little bit betrayed. And if you break up because he finds out on his own, you will never really know if its because you are Pagan or because he thinks he can't trust you to tell him important things about yourself. I tend to go with Azvanna here in that he's probably put two and two together and figure it out on his own and is respecting your privacy and space, because if it was going to be an issue for him, he'd have said something........but on the off chance that he hasn't, I'd rather know.


Its really not a hard conversation to have...but like all things, the longer you wait, the harder it gets and the bigger you build it up to be in your head. TBH, I usually mentioned it somewhere in the 2-5 date range, just to get it out of the way, because the first few times I didn't, the information came out badly. Something like is generally what I used (obviously you'd need to adapt it a bit):

Typical Convo 1 (Date is Christian)--
Me: Hey, the subject of religion hasn't really come up yet, but I think its something we should discuss before we figure out if we want to go out again or not. I don't know what your religious belief are, but I'm not Christian.
Date: Oh...really? (sometimes followed by "well then what are you?" and once "are you jewish?")
Me: Yeah, so I'm Pagan.
Date: Pagan? Whats that? (or, occasionally, "Is that like being Wiccan?")
Me: (rather than write the whole thing out, I'll direct you here, because it pretty well lines out how I would explain it)
Date: Oh, okay...interesting (or "that's cool)
(conversation moves on, or includes follow up questions--only once have I had a date that cared, and I totally live in a conservative Chrisitan place)


Typical Convo 2 (Date is not Christian)--
Hey, the subject of religion hasn't really come up yet, but I think its something we should discuss before we figure out if we want to go out again or not. I don't know what your religious belief are, but I'm not Christian.
Date: Neither am I! ....what are you? (or I'm an atheist/Jewish/etc)
Me: Yeah, so I'm Pagan.
Date: Pagan? Whats that? (or, occasionally, "Is that like being Wiccan?"...and with the man I married "hey, me too!")
Me: (rather than write the whole thing out, I'll direct you here, because it pretty well lines out how I would explain it)
Date: Hey, that's interesting.
(conversation moves on, or includes follow up questions--only once have I had a date that cared because he was an Dawkins/Hitchens Acolyte Atheist and a bit of a jerk)

[Willow]

Re: Moving In Together--Is Coming Out Inevitable?

There needs to be honesty in a relationship for it to work (well). You are perfectly within your rights to request privacy and space to perform your rituals, but if you start keeping secrets like this it's going to come out some other way and it mostly likely isn't going to be pleasant for either of you.

You've been together for awhile, you care enough about each other to move in together, your partner will at least try to understand and be supportive. And it's a good opportunity for you to expand on what you believe and practice.

[Tahemet1491]

Re: Moving In Together--Is Coming Out Inevitable?

An Update:

Somewhat heartened by getting some advice, I brought up the topic last night. Specifically, I asked where would be a good place to put my altar in our new house. I'll be honest, I was expecting him to be like "your what now?" but instead what I got was "How about in the sunroom, where you can see the trees?" Then while talking about it more I realized he actually has a pretty good idea of what I do, and hasn't brought it up out of respect for my privacy, which is pretty much the ideal situation for me.

I am very grateful to everyone on this forum, it's invaluable to have some support from people who come from a similar experience, and I don't know if I would have had the guts to bring it up without a little time to discuss it first.

It also made me think more about my relationship to my spirituality; Munin-Hugin, above, mentioned that it seemed like I am embarrassed by what I believe, and although I hadn't thought of it strictly in those terms, I think he's right. I feel like the vast majority of culture sees what we do as childish or even delusional, and to avoid having to deal with those assumptions I've just kept it to myself.

I'm a big fan of rigorous, logical thinking, obviously, and it is hard to defend a position that I myself barely understand.

And I think that's the main thing that keeps me from discussing it: I have no grounds for my argument, so I don't argue. If it weren't for intense, personal spiritual experiences, I probably wouldn't see a reason to defend such a position. It feels like there's this tension between what seems reasonable and what I know I've seen/felt. And if I'm talking to someone who hasn't had similar experiences, it seems like I have no way to relate all that back to them...

Thank you again, I'm excited to have found a place where I can discuss some of this stuff that's been solely told to my BoS for the last eleven years... Cheers!

[Medusa]

Re: Moving In Together--Is Coming Out Inevitable?

Just an aside. You don't have to argue anything. Ever. Like until the end of the world. I've never had an argument in my life about my Satanism. Ever.

[thalassa]

Re: Moving In Together--Is Coming Out Inevitable?

I'm a big fan of rigorous, logical thinking, obviously, and it is hard to defend a position that I myself barely understand.

I'm a scientist, so I totally understand your issue here!

[kowalsky]

Re: Moving In Together--Is Coming Out Inevitable?

i think Thalassa's advice will be good to you now, you need to let him know you are Pagan.

[DragonsFriend]

Re: Moving In Together--Is Coming Out Inevitable?

Spirituality needs no defense. Religion is nothing more than a tool with which you share your spirituality with others whose spirituality is similar. When religions teach spirituality they induce restrictions.