Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 21

Thread: Trying to make someone stand her ground

  1. #1
    Cat Freak Gleb's Avatar
    Reputation
    Join Date
    Jul 2013
    Posts
    2,938
    Gender
    male
    Religion
    Kemetic reconstructionist, I guess... Solitary. devotee of Djehuty and Bast
    Location
    In my reality
    Phrase
    Rawr

    Trying to make someone stand her ground

    Hello everyone!
    Here is the thing - I have a friend who's 2 years older than me. We talk often via facebook, sometimes skype. The problem is that she always runs away when it comes to standing her ground or doing big deeds like getting out of her "village", go to college, get a degree and become independant. Many people did that, so there is absolutely no reason for her not to. She's also quite lazy. However she's also very kind and loving.

    Now she's 20, after high school with no plans for the future. At all. She lives in USA, btw. I understand when people take a break from high school and go for a trip or something like that, but all she does is depending on her parents.. When I try to convince her to start learning for the driver's license, gather some money for a car and then she'll be able to do the rest of stuff, she runs away and says she doesn't have any resources. I-n-t-e-r-n-e-t!!!
    She says it's too much for her to do. I never said this should be done quickly!!!!! But having totally no plans for her life?

    Sorry if it sounds like a rant, I just don't know what to do. Sometimes I think only a life changing even will ever trigger something in her body..

    Any ideas?
    "Fair means that everybody gets what they need. And the only way to get that is to make it happen yourself."



    Since I adore cats, I might write something strange or unusual in my comment.Cats are awesome!!! ^_^

  2. #2
    Live and learn anunitu's Avatar
    Reputation
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Posts
    11,037
    Religion
    stregheria

    Re: Trying to make someone stand her ground

    I really do not understand,BUT people are all different. When I turned 18,I was hot to trot to get out there and meet the world head on(I was as some described me,an adventurous soul)

    I liked adventure and I think a little danger as well..I did survive,but I had a few close calls and missed dieing by a quirk of fate.

    Some people want to be protected by others,and some want to go as fast and make their own mark on the world..


    Gleb,it is not up to you to change her,if she can change,it will be because she can.
    MAGIC is MAGIC,black OR white or even blood RED

    all i ever wanted was a normal life and love.
    NO TERF EVER WE belong Too.
    don't stop the tears.let them flood your soul.




    http://www.paganforum.com/image.php?type=sigpic&userid=186&dateline=1330020104

    my new page here,let me know what you think.


    nothing but the shadow of what was

    witchvox
    http://www.witchvox.com/vu/vxposts.html

  3. #3
    Time Lord Apostle Malflick's Avatar
    Reputation
    Join Date
    Mar 2013
    Posts
    1,380
    Gender
    male
    Religion
    Christian, worships Yahweh and Jesus, but doesn't care if you don't.

    Re: Trying to make someone stand her ground

    For some people this can be really hard. She might need to see a therapist about this, because she needs to develop her independence.

    Try positive rewards. Try encouraging her with giving her something if she goes out and does something. See if that helps.

  4. #4
    Sr. Member CrystalJackal's Avatar
    Reputation
    Join Date
    Jul 2015
    Posts
    222
    Gender
    female
    Religion
    Therian/Spirtual
    Location
    North Carolina
    Phrase
    Take me as I am or get the hell out.

    Re: Trying to make someone stand her ground

    Does she aspire to do anything? Does she have any goals at all? If she doesn't have a single thing she wants to do with her life, and wants to sit there watching tv for all eternity, you need to give her a reality check. Fact is sitting there doesn't bring in money. You have to make her realize she is an adult now. I know this sounds harsh, but you need to tell her she needs to put on the big girl pants and take responsibility for herself.

    And also, maybe she's scared. She might be afraid to grow up, to take that big step and realize you're an adult now. She could be trying to live her childhood forever instead of accepting she's a grown up now. I can understand that- one time I started bawling becuase someone told me I was too old to watch Scooby Doo. Realizing you aren't a 7 year old anymore, that you're getting older and your life is changing, is terrifying. So that might be why as well.

    Also, she might not believe in herself. She might not believe she can do it. Encourage her, tell her you believe she can accomplish great things.

    If she DOES have things she wants to accomplish, then you have to tell her she can't accomplish those things if she never gets up off the couch! Help her imagine her ideal future, and then help her work out how she can get there. Then show her that she CAN get there.
    Love me for who I am, not for who you want me to be.

  5. #5
    PF Ordo Hereticus MaskedOne's Avatar
    Reputation
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Posts
    7,855
    Religion
    Jedi
    Location
    elsewhere
    Phrase
    The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant compared to the power of the Force.

    Re: Trying to make someone stand her ground

    Don't.

    Literally, don't. You're an ocean away and about to be tied up several years with the Israeli military. You can encourage her but this is not a situation that you have any real power to influence and trying to take it up as a cause is only gonna give you heartache. She has to make her own way. You can support and advise but more than that isn't available to you at this point.
    "It is not simply enough to know the light…a Jedi must feel the tension between the two sides of the Force…in himself and in the universe."
    ―Thon

    "When to the Force you truly give yourself, all you do expresses the truth of who you are,"

    Yoda

    Yoda told stories, and ate, and cried, and laughed: and the Padawans saw that life itself was a lightsaber in his hands; even in the face of treachery and death and hopes gone cold, he burned like a candle in the darkness. Like a star shining in the black eternity of space.

    Yoda: Dark Rendezvous

    "But those men who know anything at all about the Light also know that there is a fierceness to its power, like the bare sword of the law, or the white burning of the sun." Suddenly his voice sounded to Will very strong, and very Welsh. "At the very heart, that is. Other things, like humanity, and mercy, and charity, that most good men hold more precious than all else, they do not come first for the Light. Oh, sometimes they are there; often, indeed. But in the very long run the concern of you people is with the absolute good, ahead of all else..."

    John Rowlands, The Grey King by Susan Cooper

    "You come from the Lord Adam and the Lady Eve", said Aslan. "And that is both honour enough to erect the head of the poorest beggar, and shame enough to bow the shoulders of the greatest emperor on earth; be content."

    Aslan, Prince Caspian by CS Lewis



  6. #6
    Live and learn anunitu's Avatar
    Reputation
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Posts
    11,037
    Religion
    stregheria

    Re: Trying to make someone stand her ground

    I will tell you where she will be if she does not begin to become an independent person. It is also possible her parents are part of the problem. In a group therapy sessio0n I was in,there was a man who was 52 years old,had lived with his parents his whole life. He did NOT drive,would not ride the bus to the therapy session,and his parents drove him there. In some ways I thought his parents created this dependent human by doing everything for him. In the session he talked about how he wanted to be involved with a woman,and interestingly when I said to him,you must go out and get her because she will not magically appear at your door,and your parents can't get her for you,He got upset and I thought he was going to cry. At that moment,I knew,this guy would not survive long if his parents died(they both were in their 80's) he most likely would end up institutionalized because he had NO life skills period.
    MAGIC is MAGIC,black OR white or even blood RED

    all i ever wanted was a normal life and love.
    NO TERF EVER WE belong Too.
    don't stop the tears.let them flood your soul.




    http://www.paganforum.com/image.php?type=sigpic&userid=186&dateline=1330020104

    my new page here,let me know what you think.


    nothing but the shadow of what was

    witchvox
    http://www.witchvox.com/vu/vxposts.html

  7. #7
    Sr. Member CrystalJackal's Avatar
    Reputation
    Join Date
    Jul 2015
    Posts
    222
    Gender
    female
    Religion
    Therian/Spirtual
    Location
    North Carolina
    Phrase
    Take me as I am or get the hell out.

    Re: Trying to make someone stand her ground

    Quote Originally Posted by anunitu View Post
    I will tell you where she will be if she does not begin to become an independent person. It is also possible her parents are part of the problem. In a group therapy sessio0n I was in,there was a man who was 52 years old,had lived with his parents his whole life. He did NOT drive,would not ride the bus to the therapy session,and his parents drove him there. In some ways I thought his parents created this dependent human by doing everything for him. In the session he talked about how he wanted to be involved with a woman,and interestingly when I said to him,you must go out and get her because she will not magically appear at your door,and your parents can't get her for you,He got upset and I thought he was going to cry. At that moment,I knew,this guy would not survive long if his parents died(they both were in their 80's) he most likely would end up institutionalized because he had NO life skills period.
    That's scary.......... see I'm like you. I wanna get out of here, I want to blaze my own path. There are so many things I can't do while I'm with my parents. I want to accomplish things, I have goals.......... I want to rescue animals, I want to become an artist, I want to move to California, I want to see real Orcas (In the wild, not theme parks). As soon as I graduate I'm going to college in CA to major in art and I hope I never have to come back to the south, I hate it here. I want to be a concept artist and no one is going to tell me I can't.

    I could never imagine not wanting to do anything with your life........
    Love me for who I am, not for who you want me to be.

  8. #8
    Sr. Member Maythe's Avatar
    Reputation
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Posts
    279
    Gender
    female
    Religion
    Heathen
    Location
    Derbyshire, UK

    Re: Trying to make someone stand her ground

    Might there be some untreated anxiety stuff going on here?

    Otherwise I agree with masked one. You can't and shouldn't try to make her do anything. It's her life and, in my experience, nagging people to do stuff you think they should do is a quick way to put them on the defensive and have them withdraw from the relationship. Yes it will be sad if she totally fucks up her life but ultimately you don't have any responsibility for her actions and her timetable is her own. About all you can do is be positive about things she does do, gently (gently! and be prepared to hear no) introduce the idea of therapy and listen to her.
    * * *
    You can find some of my creative writing at http://libbyscribbles.com

  9. #9
    Eldritch Priestess Willow's Avatar
    Reputation
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Posts
    3,120
    Gender
    female
    Religion
    Staroverci

    Re: Trying to make someone stand her ground

    I'm with Masked on this one. Just don't.

    For one, it's not your place to tell her how she should or should not be, what she should or should not do, etc... Some people develop slower than others and find their footing a bit later in life. If you want to be her friend, a real friend, you will support her with her own choices and thus help her build her confidence within her own choices. Not tell her what she should be doing and how to go about doing it.

    For another, you can't know exactly what her life is like. There may be several factors in her world that you simply aren't shown that may be causing her to stay put for the time being. Only she can walk her path, you can't walk it for her and you can't drive her into making the choices you would make in your own life for your own reasons.

  10. #10
    Sr. Member CrystalJackal's Avatar
    Reputation
    Join Date
    Jul 2015
    Posts
    222
    Gender
    female
    Religion
    Therian/Spirtual
    Location
    North Carolina
    Phrase
    Take me as I am or get the hell out.

    Re: Trying to make someone stand her ground

    I'm gonna take back what I said earlier......... I'm with Masked. I was focused on HOW you should convince her, I didn't really consider whether you SHOULD.

    You're really sweet for worrying Gleb. And I know how you feel. All of my closest friends live far away, in other countries. I met them online..... and when they need help, a hug even, I can't do much. That's the only problem with the internet.... it really doesn't replace being right there.

    But in the end, there's only so much you can do. You're a good friend for wanting to help her. You really are. And I really applaud you for it. But as Ljubezen said, only she can walk her path. Just make sure you're always there for her, and you're being a good friend. Trust me, sometimes just listening is all you need to do to help someone. <3
    Love me for who I am, not for who you want me to be.

Similar Threads

  1. I Can't Stand to be Around My Folks
    By Bjorn in forum Catacombs
    Replies: 17
    Last Post: 28 Mar 2015, 15:18
  2. Happy Ground Hog Day!
    By Rick in forum Catacombs
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 04 Feb 2014, 02:28
  3. Stand your ground
    By Maria de Luna in forum Catacombs
    Replies: 15
    Last Post: 17 Jul 2013, 07:26
  4. Will The Real Mitt Romney Please Stand Up?
    By Dez in forum Catacombs
    Replies: 11
    Last Post: 12 Apr 2012, 06:01
  5. Replies: 4
    Last Post: 09 Apr 2012, 17:27

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •