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Thread: Friend Of A Domestic Violence Victim

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    Bronze Member Bartmanhomer's Avatar
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    Friend Of A Domestic Violence Victim

    Today I went to another forum and I read a friend thread about how she return to her ex-boyfriend. Her ex-boyfriend got a long history of domestic abuse. Anyway I PM her criticizing about why did she return her ex-boyfriend and history is going repeat itself. She said it was a psychological thing and she can't help it. Do you think it was the right thing to criticized her or should I been a bit more sensitive about the issue? I understand it was her choice but it was a very bad choice in her part.

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    Copper Member EndlessCravings's Avatar
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    Re: Friend Of A Domestic Violence Victim

    I mean, I don't know. Tough love seems to work with someone. It's her choice and she'll learn form her mistakes. At one point she'll leave the relationship when she's had enough. What kind of abuse is the ex giving her?
    I'm not saying you need to be sensitive or criticize her but don't grill her about it. You're her friend and care about her but if it's a psychological thing then it is what it is. Maybe she's codependent? Either way she will leave...or not.
    "Turn, and look in the mirror. What do you see?" Her own brown eyes stared back at her until she was nothing but a blur.

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    Bronze Member Bartmanhomer's Avatar
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    Re: Friend Of A Domestic Violence Victim

    Well her ex-boyfriend beat her up. And thankfully she left him completely.

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    Copper Member EndlessCravings's Avatar
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    Re: Friend Of A Domestic Violence Victim

    Quote Originally Posted by Bartmanhomer View Post
    Well her ex-boyfriend beat her up. And thankfully she left him completely.
    Okay. So she's not in the relationship anymore? Then why did you make this thread?
    "Turn, and look in the mirror. What do you see?" Her own brown eyes stared back at her until she was nothing but a blur.

    "I see you. Red lipstick spread perfectly over your lush mouth, brown eyes that hold centuries upon centuries of secrets. A face made to entice even the most celibate of men and women alike. A red dress that sways and moves with your body, making you a temptation like no other."

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    Bronze Member Bartmanhomer's Avatar
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    Re: Friend Of A Domestic Violence Victim

    The reason why I make up this because I need people feedback that's why.

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    Copper Member EndlessCravings's Avatar
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    Re: Friend Of A Domestic Violence Victim

    Quote Originally Posted by Bartmanhomer View Post
    The reason why I make up this because I need people feedback that's why.
    Whatever you say.
    "Turn, and look in the mirror. What do you see?" Her own brown eyes stared back at her until she was nothing but a blur.

    "I see you. Red lipstick spread perfectly over your lush mouth, brown eyes that hold centuries upon centuries of secrets. A face made to entice even the most celibate of men and women alike. A red dress that sways and moves with your body, making you a temptation like no other."

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    Re: Friend Of A Domestic Violence Victim

    As a friend, it's not your place to "criticize". Show concern, ask if she wants to talk about it, etc, but to criticize ,unsolicited, isolates the victim even farther and increases the likelihood they'll return to their abuser.

    Reasons for a victim returning to their vary, but there is so much psychology at play it's hard to tell with such vague details. But anyways, just show support to her, especially if she already knows he's an abuser, and let her know that you are there for her when she's ready to leave. Don't let the abuser isolate her.
    “I am Cat and I walk alone and all ways are the same to me.” ~Rudyard Kipling, The Cat Who Walks By Himself

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    Bronze Member Bartmanhomer's Avatar
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    Re: Friend Of A Domestic Violence Victim

    I know that I sound like a villain to my friend. But I did it for a very good reason. I was trying to look out for and I was just trying to be a good friend to her. And I know how domestic violence works. I watch so many talk shows to hear victim being abused by their abuser and it never works out in the end.

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    Re: Friend Of A Domestic Violence Victim

    Quote Originally Posted by Bartmanhomer View Post
    Today I went to another forum and I read a friend thread about how she return to her ex-boyfriend. Her ex-boyfriend got a long history of domestic abuse. Anyway I PM her criticizing about why did she return her ex-boyfriend and history is going repeat itself. She said it was a psychological thing and she can't help it. Do you think it was the right thing to criticized her or should I been a bit more sensitive about the issue? I understand it was her choice but it was a very bad choice in her part.
    If you've never been in an abusive relationship, you don't understand. An abusive partner breaks you down emotionally and mentally. They tell you you're worthless, crazy, impossible to deal with, and you're so lucky that they can put up with you. And you believe it, because it's what you hear every day. No. Criticizing her was not the right thing to do. If anything, it pushed you and her further apart. If this comes up again, be supportive and talk to her about what happened last time. It will go a lot further.
    “You must be shapeless, formless, like water. When you pour water in a cup, it becomes the cup. When you pour water in a bottle, it becomes the bottle. When you pour water in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Water can drip and it can crash. Become like water my friend.” -- Bruce Lee

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    Re: Friend Of A Domestic Violence Victim

    My daughter was in an emotionally abusive relationship for almost 2 years. It was difficult to resist our protective instincts - criticism of him made her defensive and strengthened her resolve to make it work, just to prove us wrong.

    Once we got our reactive urges under control, my wife and I started addressing his negative aspects in less critical and more constructive terms, and she reached the right conclusion on her own.

    Another word of advice: in sensitive issues like this, I'd solicit opinions or feedback before addressing it with the individual.

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