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Thread: Healing the Mother Wound

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    Moderator Azvanna's Avatar
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    Healing the Mother Wound

    The Divine Feminine has been a huge theme in my spiritual searching for the past year or so. It's coincided with a few major events in my life and after a couple of critical moments that have lead to the need to move past my definitions of myself across the board.

    One night after yet another argument with my mother, I started searching the web for articles on difficult mother-daughter relationships and role reversal. Eventually, I came across the site Womb of Light and in particular this article on parentified daughters: http://www.womboflight.com/when-sham...ied-daughters/. As always, there's points in there that don't apply to me, but the ones that do have helped to identify some blind spots and helped change the way I internally respond and externally react to difficult memories and circumstances. Maybe it will help someone else, too.

    There's heaps I want to go into here but I'll just gloss it over a bit. The issues I've been dealing with include fear of inadequately mothering a girl, being hyper aware of social heirarchy, the tendency to see all other females as possible competitors and how that's hindered my ability to form meaningful friendships with other women, and self-care.

    Having my mother here for the past fortnight hasn't been the nightmare I expected it to be. Part of that has to do with just accepting who she is and making contingency plans rather than trying to force her to adapt. The other part is a greater sense of self awareness on my behalf.

    I'd love it if you'd share how your interactions with the divine feminine has changed you.

  2. #2
    Silver Member Tylluan Penry's Avatar
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    Re: Healing the Mother Wound

    I think I've needed the Divine Feminine a lot because I never felt especially feminine. I wanted to be - but I was convinced at a very early age that I was a boy and my name was THomas. Nowadays, I suspect that was some hangover from a past life, but I did need a divine feminine in my life to try and balance things out.

    Like you, I had a bad relationship with my mother. Without going into the details, it was completely toxic. Now, having worked through my Maiden Mother Crone cycle, I see that although it was always going to have its problems, I have come to terms with it. My mother lives, like the Mad Woman in the Attic, inside my head. She is securely locked away most of the time (even goddesses aren't averse to imprisoning enemies) and when she does break out, she is firmly shoved back in again.

    I think my relationship with the Divine feminine showed me it is possible to be a woman in many different ways. I tried to teach my own daughters that being a woman is not about being the sort of woman the media and advertising industry portray.
    Engaging with the Divine feminine can be magical - I feel younger, thinner and more feminine now (even though I am older, fatter and long past the menopause) than I did when I was 20.
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    Re: Healing the Mother Wound

    I think my relationship with the Divine feminine was necessary because it was so discounted in religion and culture around me. Focusing on the feminine made me stronger and more resilient when I really needed that. It was like a cool abundant spring when I was really thirsty. Now, I feel much more balanced about spirituality. The feminine is there, but I can really focus on a more rounded perspective. I don't know how much of this is age, and how much is change in society. I suspect it is more age. I've passed some major feminine milestones, and I largely have relief that worrying about them takes up so much less of my time.

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    Moderator Azvanna's Avatar
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    Re: Healing the Mother Wound

    Quote Originally Posted by Tylluan Penry View Post
    I think my relationship with the Divine feminine showed me it is possible to be a woman in many different ways. I tried to teach my own daughters that being a woman is not about being the sort of woman the media and advertising industry portray.
    Engaging with the Divine feminine can be magical - I feel younger, thinner and more feminine now (even though I am older, fatter and long past the menopause) than I did when I was 20.
    I love that how you feel about yourself shines through. In your photos and videos, Tylluan, you strike me as absolutely beautiful and comfortable in your own skin.

    Quote Originally Posted by Prickly Pear View Post
    I think my relationship with the Divine feminine was necessary because it was so discounted in religion and culture around me. Focusing on the feminine made me stronger and more resilient when I really needed that.
    Likewise. I found I was able to handle more emotionally demanding situations, extend a lot more grace but at the same time, I absolutely found my roar! When it came to protecting my family, I became a bear.

    On the topic of the mother wound, this week I found myself getting angry at my mother for things that weren't her fault. If I was frustrated at my husband for not helping, I would take it out on my mother. If I was just moody and angry, I found myself thinking hateful thoughts towards my mother. Reflecting on that, I believe that's also part of her mother wound - allowing herself to be the dumping ground for other people's problems. I'm really glad I caught myself doing it because it made the rest of the few days pass more peacefully. I think I easily could have let myself become the same - allowing myself to be the scapegoat for my children's anger and frustration. I hope to teach my sons how to appropriately deal with those feelings.

  5. #5
    Silver Member Tylluan Penry's Avatar
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    Re: Healing the Mother Wound

    Quote Originally Posted by Azvanna View Post
    I love that how you feel about yourself shines through. In your photos and videos, Tylluan, you strike me as absolutely beautiful and comfortable in your own skin.
    Aw... thanks!
    And well done for discovering that your mother too, has her own wounds.
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    Nihilistic Goddess Medusa's Avatar
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    Re: Healing the Mother Wound

    I didn't know if I was going to participate in this thread. I have (had) a very different relationship with my mother than most. First, I wasn't really raised with her. She spent most of my childhood in and out of the mental institution. I then took care of myself emotionally after the age of 11 (when my father passed away). And I took care of her from then on. I in essence had always played the mother and she the daughter. She didn't have the same morals I did due to damage done by shock treatment. So I always had to make decisions for myself.

    I wasn't very emotionally close with my mother. And I didn't butt heads with her either. There was no rivalry or rebellion. And I spent my adult years just taking care of her out of daughter duty and love. But it wasn't love the way a daughter loves a mother as much as me loving a child I needed to take care of. Though someone here knows exactly how much guilt I carried with feeling like a rotten daughter. That I never did enough for her. That I wasn't honoring my father's love for her. It ate me up quite a bit.

    My mother was everything I feared would happen to me. That I would lose my mind (mental illness is after all hereditary). And of course I did just that. Lost my marbles and came back. But I watched her and thought this is everything I will never be. Rash, out of control, insane.

    But something happened as I grew older. I realized my mother was THE role model for who I am now. Creative, love of life, smiling, happy. I love all things that sparkle. I love smelling roses. I love putting on my lipstick the exact same way my mother did. I love feeling at home no matter where I am. I love my strong independent nature. I love the fact that I simply do not give a shit about what anyone else thinks in this world about me. I realize now how strong my mother was. I realize that I have a unique perspective on my mother/daughter relationship. She never interfered with me being me. Just accepted who I was. And now I do the same of others.

    I'm perfectly ok with going bonkers.
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    Re: Healing the Mother Wound

    This is a topic I have thought on and off about since it came up. Its a difficult topic for me. Not the Divine Feminine but my wounds. My mother has very rarely been in my life. Everyone else's needs and issues especially the current person she was with or there children came before myself or brother. I have come to believe this is due to her guilt of giving us up. It was by far the best decision she could have made to give custody to my Dad but I think it also hurt her very deeply to do so and to deal with that pain she focused on everyone else around her except us. This has of course caused even more pain on both sides. I resent it and my anger shows through and she runs even more.

    I will say she is the one who helped put me on my path to the Divine Feminine, and from the Divine Feminine I have learned to forgive. I have learned to see that her later actions are her defense mechanism. I think its how she kept her sanity. She has had some very dark years. Shes is not a weak women, but has a pension for toxic relationships. Another thing I have learned is I can't save her, no matter how much I want to I cannot. I accept her at face value. The Divine Feminine has taught me that its ok for me to be sad, about what I lost with her but to appreciate what our relationship has become. To not resent her so much. To remind myself that she is only human and she has suffered as well. She has reminded me that Mother has greatness in her as well and that she made a huge sacrifice, one that I don't know if I could do and gave custody to my Dad because she didn't think she could provide a good and stable home for us right after their divorce.

    Though its been a hard road, one that still needs to be maintained I am thankful for the Divine Feminine. In my darkest times with my Mother she has brought me a torch. She has put other women in my life to help guide me when I needed it. She has been with me the whole way, including reminding that my own Mother is one of them.
    Last edited by kalynraye; 13 Jun 2016 at 08:11.
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    Live and learn anunitu's Avatar
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    Re: Healing the Mother Wound

    This thread got me thinking,do men have a similar thing,where they are messed up by their relationship with their Fathers..and kinda is there also something like this between men and their Mothers?

    Just wondering why parents seem to effect our self image so much.
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    Silver Member monsno_leedra's Avatar
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    Re: Healing the Mother Wound

    Quote Originally Posted by anunitu View Post
    This thread got me thinking,do men have a similar thing,where they are messed up by their relationship with their Fathers..and kinda is there also something like this between men and their Mothers?

    Just wondering why parents seem to effect our self image so much.
    I think there is but I also think the old saying..."A son is a son till he takes a wife but a daughter is a daughter all of her life!" also comes into play. One thing I've heard many times and seen a few is that a father's pride and closeness to a daughter can create a hostile and destructive relationship between the daughter and mother. I guess in some ways it's seen as a combative relationship in that both are seeking attention and I suppose love from the father / husband so the daughter becomes a competitor with her mother. Some where in there it changes from a mother / daughter to a woman vs woman scenario is how a few explained it to me.

    I do think for men it's the idea of being manly as prescribed by our fathers actions. My nephew is forever seeking approval and acceptance from his father which he'll never get. So he tries to mimic his dad in many ways which has resulted in his own life and relationships being awful. My niece is sort of in the same situation in that her husbands father has heavily influenced his perspective to a woman's place and how they are to be treated. SO in many ways she is a second class citizen in her own home and his parents (especially father) take president over her wishes, thoughts, fears, etc. What makes it extremely defeating in my opinion is he is treating his daughter the same way and his son is developing that same attitude towards women in general.

    All that ignoring the mother son destructive relationships. Those where the son is punished because of the father's actions or absence. Where the son is emasculated for being a son and male which creates a destructive attitude towards women in general or towards a specific appearance or age group. Don't know how many times I've heard parents of my friends and even my own at times go off on the mom for making a sissy out of the boy.

    It's like me and my younger brother have a great relationship with our mom but our sisters have really struggled and have a stressed relationship with her. The eldest of my sister is basically disowned, my youngest sister has little to do with them because of our middle sisters presence and influence. Each has their own reasons of course but they run the gauntlet of reasons and depths of each hurt or influence.

    My grandmother and great aunts would say its because instead of being women they tried to be men. Is that the truth? I suppose on some scale it is as the sacred feminine seems far removed from what being feminine has become. Not even referring to the idea of motherhood, compassion, companionship & friendships, close circles of friends and community that strengthened and supported each other. Yet the same can be said of the sacred masculine and its change and re-identification of just what each is.
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    Moderator Azvanna's Avatar
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    Re: Healing the Mother Wound

    Quote Originally Posted by anunitu View Post
    This thread got me thinking,do men have a similar thing,where they are messed up by their relationship with their Fathers..and kinda is there also something like this between men and their Mothers?

    .
    Yes the author mentions that though think they manifest in slightly different ways and Monsno may have touched on it here imo:

    Quote Originally Posted by monsno_leedra View Post

    All that ignoring the mother son destructive relationships. Those where the son is punished because of the father's actions or absence. Where the son is emasculated for being a son and male which creates a destructive attitude towards women in general or towards a specific appearance or age group. Don't know how many times I've heard parents of my friends and even my own at times go off on the mom for making a sissy out of the boy.
    That word 'emasculated' reminded me of a workshop I participated in called 'Understanding Poverty.' In Australia, we have relative poverty but nothing like you'd see in 3rd world countries. So, it's more about very low socio-economic groups that continue on generationally. One of the characteristics of those groups is the females tend to emasculate their partners and sons for a variety of reasons. But the family is very much mother dominated as she actively works to discredit the reputation of the father not just within the family but the extended family as well. I've seen this happen to families in my church and indeed my own mother was like this. The father feels there is no worthy role for him or else he feels a failure for not measuring up. I can't quite put my finger on what happened to the son, but it was like he was living unsure of himself and a bit lost.

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