Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

I met this guy

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • I met this guy

    OK the deal is, he's very intelligent, I believe he's got decent money, he likes a lot of the same things I do, he's attentive, etc. But I'm just not feeling good about him. We've gone out twice and spent a lot of time on the phone. He's coming over tomorrow for dinner. It will be his first time visiting my home. If this goes well I am going to introduce him to some friends and see what they think. He's cool with my spirituality and we are both Italian (hard to find in these parts!)
    The red flag I'm seeing is, he says he likes strong, independent women (me) but then he wants to take over, in a way. It's hard to explain but I feel like this is the type who will chip away at my joyfulness and rationalize his actions by saying he was trying to do something nice for me (like how he insisted on paying the check the second time we ate at a restaurnat. I felt I should have paid, since he paid the first time.) He's a little show-offy about his knowledge of facts, anything I talk about, he knows all about it.
    *sigh* We'll see how tomorrow goes, I guess, and take it from there. I've already told him I am not a butterfly he can catch in order to pull its wings off. I don't want to walk away too quickly, but I feel that I should be all excited about seeing him again, and I'm just not. That in itself makes me sad.
    sigpic
    Can you hear me, Major Tom? I think I love you.

  • #2
    Re: I met this guy

    Generally speaking, when someone wants to be the dominant member of a relationship and the other doesn't want to be the submissive one, then it'll probably just end up in a long series of arguments. If things continue like this the next couple of times you guys hang out, then it may be best to leave.
    Cogito ergo sum.

    My blog type thing: RaineV1.tumblr.com

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: I met this guy

      I've found that if you've got red flags at the beginning of the relationship, it's better not to pursue than to sit back and see what happens. That got me in trouble earlier this year. At the beginning of a relationship, you're right that you should be incredibly excited to see him again - even if you're having a disagreement. I think if you thought these concerns might not be valid, you would be excited to see him again to dispel your worries. The fact that you are uninterested now might mean that you've already figured out that this incompatibility won't go away. But I'm no love-guru, and my advice might be unfounded (my red flags advice at the beginning is based on personal experience, but with only a sample size of two guys I had immediate red flags with and went for a relationship anyways, it can't be objectively conclusive, just my own short experience). Just another way to think about it.

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: I met this guy

        I attract a lot of guys like that. Some of them really just want an equal, and I find that with English-speaking guys sometimes with paying they just have trouble letting go of that one because it's so culturally ingrained (less of a problem when I've dated Germans). Some of them though seem to want to feel like they've dominated someone as strong as them, which is more troubling. You can't really know where he stands I guess until you've gone out a few more times and maybe get him to meet friends and see what vibe they get. Also, maybe try to get into a little debate with him a couple of times. Does he always -have- to win?

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: I met this guy

          Thanks, you guys. I'm slow to attraction because I've been burned too often, so it doen't worry me that I'm not all fluttery about seeing him. That's self-protection. The part about him paying at the restaurant may well have been a culturally ingrained thing, or maybe anything, I don't know. I'm going to see how this goes today, and after he leaves my house, if I don't feel something a little more, I'm not gonna drag it out. It's not worth it. DanieMarie I agree about finding out if he always has to win.
          I'm mature enough to know that a genuine relationship isn't all hearts & flowers and that we won't agree on everything, it's the day-to-day compatibility issues I need to see first hand. Plus I may just be looking for a way out because I'm afraid? I hate all this stuff!!!!!!!!!
          sigpic
          Can you hear me, Major Tom? I think I love you.

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: I met this guy

            yeah, what the others have said. Don't rush either way. Above all: BE CAREFUL!
            Sleep, my friend, and you will see
            That dream is my reality

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: I met this guy

              Since the last time I posted about this, I've seen him a couple more times and there are definite control issues. Example: he told me that he once bought his ex a pair of very large diamond earrings, and at the same time gave her a matching set of fakes & told her to wear the fake ones except for special occasions. Now I totally get that, in concept, but if someone gave me a gift and TOLD ME WHEN I COULD WEAR IT, I'd have a fit.So it's all that sort of thing. I also sensed a jealousy about my friends. Plus a bunch more odd things. I'm done.

              Next???? LOL
              sigpic
              Can you hear me, Major Tom? I think I love you.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: I met this guy

                Wow....yep, that does not sound like a keeper to me!
                Great Grandmother's Kitchen

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: I met this guy

                  Originally posted by DeseretRose View Post
                  Wow....yep, that does not sound like a keeper to me!
                  Me, neither! It kinda seems that any guy who likes me has something bad going on. I wish I could attract someone normal. They say they love independent women, but what they really mean is, you are a challenge and I'm gonna knock you down. They don't know me too well......hehehehehe
                  sigpic
                  Can you hear me, Major Tom? I think I love you.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: I met this guy

                    Originally posted by Hawkfeathers View Post
                    Me, neither! It kinda seems that any guy who likes me has something bad going on. I wish I could attract someone normal. They say they love independent women, but what they really mean is, you are a challenge and I'm gonna knock you down. They don't know me too well......hehehehehe
                    Yeah I feel like I get that a lot, or else they're just very non-committal.

                    Trust your gut! But it sounds like you already are.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: I met this guy

                      Originally posted by DanieMarie View Post
                      Yeah I feel like I get that a lot, or else they're just very non-committal.

                      Trust your gut! But it sounds like you already are.
                      Yes. Oprah once said "Doubt means Don't." Wisest thing she ever said!
                      sigpic
                      Can you hear me, Major Tom? I think I love you.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: I met this guy

                        Originally posted by Hawkfeathers View Post
                        Since the last time I posted about this, I've seen him a couple more times and there are definite control issues. Example: he told me that he once bought his ex a pair of very large diamond earrings, and at the same time gave her a matching set of fakes & told her to wear the fake ones except for special occasions. Now I totally get that, in concept, but if someone gave me a gift and TOLD ME WHEN I COULD WEAR IT, I'd have a fit.So it's all that sort of thing. I also sensed a jealousy about my friends. Plus a bunch more odd things. I'm done.

                        Next???? LOL
                        This sounds a lot like the relationship I just got out of... He was a little bit like what you describe at first, didnt like me seeing certain friends, always complained when I wanted to go out on the night I usually stopped at his (I mean ONE night just to have a Uni night out and have some semblance of a Fresher's Week), then by the end of the three years he had become an emotional bully. He started working regularly on the night I stopped over, still expecting me to come over to his and sit and wait for him to finish work. And I did *eyeroll*. He had even made me cut off some of my friends because he didn't like them. I lost a great deal of my social circle because he always wanted me over at his, and hardly ever came down to mine. And yet, he expected to be able to do whatever he wanted (including smoking cigars and being a serial flirt) whilst telling me what to do. And, when I left, he tried to make me feel guilty by reeling off a list of everything he'd done for me (as if throwing money at me - and not much money at that- would save our relationship).

                        Hindsight is a wonderful thing. I'm glad you dodged a bullet!
                        "The Germans do not think it in keeping with the divine majesty to confine gods within walls or to portray them in the likeness of any human countenance. Their holy places are woods and groves, and they apply the names of deities to that hidden presence which is seen only by the eye of reverence." (Tacitus, `Germania', 9)

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: I met this guy

                          Thank you, Ravenix.
                          sigpic
                          Can you hear me, Major Tom? I think I love you.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: I met this guy

                            One thing I have learned is NEVER not trust your gut instinct. You can usally get away with calling it nerves about what ever you may be worried about the first couple times but after that and your still having the same feelings when you see the other person, Its no good!!!!

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: I met this guy

                              OK, fast forward to now. I never saw that other guy again. He emailed once in a while but I simply ignored him. I met someone else and my world has been changed. My gut feeling immediately gave me a green light, my friends who have met his so far like him, my parrot likes him. We feel that we've been connected for many lifetimes. He is Lutheran BUT has extensively studied Archaeology so he gets that there is far more than Christianity in the history of the world. He's not a church goer and is very interested/tolerant about my beliefs. He's an antique dealer and has a good sense of connection with the past. He also used to serve as a rape crisis counselor/defense instructor and is very attuned to women's needs. A "real" man who isn't afraid to be kind.
                              And he cooks, too! LOL (Seriously, he does.)
                              I've been alone most of my adult life. Now, when I'm alone, I feel like something's missing. As much as I dreamed, hoped, visualized, I really had doubts that this would ever come my way. Now, I know it's fairly new, and things can happen - I'm a realist - but, (and I know you guys will get this) - I "know" that this is gonna be a great thing.
                              My neighbor said my whole house is glowing LOL
                              sigpic
                              Can you hear me, Major Tom? I think I love you.

                              Comment

                              Working...
                              X