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    Advice

    A little background here for those that haven't heard me ramble about this shit for the last 6 years....

    Prior to meeting my wife (as in, about 3 days prior) I broke up with my girlfriend of 10 months. It was an ugly relationship - she had more baggage than I care to count (daddy issues among the top of them)...there were some good times, but mostly just painful to tolerate. When we broke up, it was due to her moving back home (about 2000 miles away) and she (like a retard) didn't realize that the relationship was going to end as a result of that. Sooo, of course, the day that she flew out she blew a gasket about how we wouldn't be dating anymore - yadda yadda yadda.

    Fast forward...erm...3 days. I met GG (my wife)...a fluke accident. A year later we were married.

    After the g/f and I had been broken up for over a year, I heard that she was getting married again. I sent her an email just checking to see how she was and to try to be friendly. The response that I got back was catty and coy, and basically said something like, "I've never understood why ex-boyfriends always think that they've got to be friends with their ex's". Soo, despite having HER friends notify me every time there was a change in her life (I suspect to try to make me feel bad or something...I have no clue, honestly), I've mostly just ignored what she's done with her life.

    Well, since I've recently gotten a FB account, she sent me an email acknowledging the road trip and asking me to swing by and see her when I'm near Minnesota. She and I are both married - there's no danger of anything weird happening on that front, but I'm not quite sure how I feel about reconnecting with her. Her email said something about "I'd like to meet up with you again now that we're adults..." (yeah, I know, I was way more adult than her, but whatever)...

    What do you think? I don't think any harm will come from meeting her...and I will be talking to GG about it, regardless...just curious as to what you folks think.

    #2
    Re: Advice

    I say if you meet her, meet in a public place. That way, if she reveals she hasn't changed in any way you can just get out of the situation.

    Otherwise I say there's no need to see her. You extended the olive branch years before and she denied it. Don't be like me and keep hoping you can still be friends with folks.
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      #3
      Re: Advice

      To be fair, when we were dating I was 26 and she was 19 - there was quite a big age difference during a time when it tends to be important. Is it possible that she's grown up and she really wants to smooth things over? If so, aren't I the douchbag for not giving her a chance?

      BTW - I spoke with GG about it and while she has her reservations, she thinks it would be good for me to get closure on that chapter of my life (as well as the many others that I've crossed off of my list on this trip). She thinks that I should do it, but is leaving the decision up to me.

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        #4
        Re: Advice

        Noooooooo. Fuggeddaboudit. Most things are best left where they were.
        sigpic
        Can you hear me, Major Tom? I think I love you.

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          #5
          Re: Advice

          No. No. No. The past is past. Leave it alone. She had issues at 19 - she's probably got a whole hatful more now. You have a lot more to lose than you do to gain. But I wish you all the best Rok, whatever you decide.
          www.thewolfenhowlepress.com


          Phantom Turnips never die.... they just get stewed occasionally....

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            #6
            Re: Advice

            I can kind of understand her initial response (I mean way back), especially since she had a lot of issues. Not that it makes it right, I just understand why. But it's been a long time and time can heal things....she's probably genuinely interested in seeing how you are.

            That being said, if you don't really feel like meeting up with her, don't. You don't owe her anything.

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              #7
              Re: Advice

              Considering your discussion with me about how you feel about your life and all that it entails. I say NO. Unhappy campers like to camp in other camps. En to the O.
              Satan is my spirit animal

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                #8
                Re: Advice

                Originally posted by Tylluan Penry View Post
                No. No. No. The past is past. Leave it alone. She had issues at 19 - she's probably got a whole hatful more now. You have a lot more to lose than you do to gain. But I wish you all the best Rok, whatever you decide.
                See, this was my initial reaction too - but really, what have I got to lose? If I'm in Minnesota anyway (I had planned on seeing the Mall of America) and I'm already on the trip...what am I losing? A couple of hours? I'm not concerned (even a little) of "falling in love all over again" or anything like that. Our initial relationship was based on only a few common denominators, the largest of which was that we were both single and had a difficult time meeting people. That has changed for both of us now.

                Honestly, despite the possibility of there being dwama, I'm not really seeing the remotest possibility of this being a destructive meeting. I keep running through the possibilities in my head: Either she's not fucked up anymore, in which case we can put the issues to bed and move on, or she is and I can be vindicated in my initial dumping.

                I'm not arguing, BTW I really do value everyone's opinions on this. I haven't completely committed one way or another and am leaving my options open (especially considering the likelihood of not making it that far anyway).

                ---------- Post added at 12:19 AM ---------- Previous post was at 12:18 AM ----------

                Originally posted by Medusa View Post
                Considering your discussion with me about how you feel about your life and all that it entails. I say NO. Unhappy campers like to camp in other camps. En to the O.
                If you're saying what it sounds like you're saying, you apparently don't think very highly of my ethics.

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                  #9
                  Re: Advice

                  Originally posted by Roknrol View Post
                  See, this was my initial reaction too - but really, what have I got to lose? If I'm in Minnesota anyway (I had planned on seeing the Mall of America) and I'm already on the trip...what am I losing? A couple of hours? I'm not concerned (even a little) of "falling in love all over again" or anything like that. Our initial relationship was based on only a few common denominators, the largest of which was that we were both single and had a difficult time meeting people. That has changed for both of us now.

                  Honestly, despite the possibility of there being dwama, I'm not really seeing the remotest possibility of this being a destructive meeting. I keep running through the possibilities in my head: Either she's not fucked up anymore, in which case we can put the issues to bed and move on, or she is and I can be vindicated in my initial dumping.

                  I'm not arguing, BTW I really do value everyone's opinions on this. I haven't completely committed one way or another and am leaving my options open (especially considering the likelihood of not making it that far anyway).

                  ---------- Post added at 12:19 AM ---------- Previous post was at 12:18 AM ----------


                  If you're saying what it sounds like you're saying, you apparently don't think very highly of my ethics.
                  I think highly of your ethics. You wouldn't have stuck it out this far if you weren't a good man. But disgruntled Rok may leave having this encounter add another thorn in your disgruntledness. I am just telling you from a woman's perspective. No. I might tell you it's ok. But deep down inside where that place no man ever goes or even understands..I'm gonna resent you and hold it in my argument bank for the right time to strike. You should never trust a woman who says it's ok. It's a lie. Just like the cake was a lie!
                  Satan is my spirit animal

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                    #10
                    Re: Advice

                    Hrm...she would have had to have grown up an awful lot for me to even toy with the idea (not that it would even occur to me that it was an option, of course). No...scratch that - you can't grow up from that flavor of psycho

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                      #11
                      Re: Advice

                      Could Medusa be referring to GG...with the "its *okay*" reference. I know that when I say something is "okay" there are a few different kinds of "okay"--there's "I don't like it, but I'll deal with it because I know its important", "I don't care", "Sure, that is fine with me","go for it!" and the dreaded "I really don't like this idea and I have some serious issues with it, but I've already explained my concerns to you and I'm not going to tell a grown up what to do, but if you decide to totally disregard my feelings on this matter there is probably some part of me that will be very upset with you for making this decision". I generally don't say that I'm okay with something, without explaining which of those "okays" I'm meaning...but the sheer fact that I said "okay, but" has occasionally been overlooked as a "well you should have said no then". I would just take that into account. Along with the idea of...what do you want to get out of this, and is it worth it?
                      Wonderful Life: The Burgess Shale and the Nature of HistoryPagan Devotionals, because the wind and the rain is our Bible
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                        #12
                        Re: Advice

                        Well, GG and I discussed it pretty thoroughly and I told her - flat out - that I understood if she didn't want me to see my ex and that it was a non-issue if that were the case. AFAIC, if I'm that clear and she *still* says "ok" out of some sense of obligation to be "cool" or whatever, that stops being my problem, you know? I mean, shit - we've been married 10 years. If she can't be honest with me, should I really be trying to guess at what she means, or should she be able to just tell me the truth?

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                          #13
                          Re: Advice

                          Is there anything to gain from it? After 10 years, the matter is settled, both of you have your own lives (well you do and I'll be generous in assuming that she does as well) and there's little need to re-visit the past in this case. If you have little or nothing to gain then there's no pressing need to invite whatever drama may or may not come from a meeting.

                          Honestly, despite the possibility of there being dwama, I'm not really seeing the remotest possibility of this being a destructive meeting. I keep running through the possibilities in my head: Either she's not fucked up anymore, in which case we can put the issues to bed and move on, or she is and I can be vindicated in my initial dumping.
                          You haven't dealt directly with her in ten years. That brings her close enough to a relative unknown that predicting her is iffy. Doesn't mean that she can use a face to face meeting to cause harm but it does mean that if she were to attempt it that she might be able to blindside you. Unless there's a distinct benefit to meeting her, it's not worth providing the opportunity.
                          life itself was a lightsaber in his hands; even in the face of treachery and death and hopes gone cold, he burned like a candle in the darkness. Like a star shining in the black eternity of space.

                          Yoda: Dark Rendezvous

                          "But those men who know anything at all about the Light also know that there is a fierceness to its power, like the bare sword of the law, or the white burning of the sun." Suddenly his voice sounded to Will very strong, and very Welsh. "At the very heart, that is. Other things, like humanity, and mercy, and charity, that most good men hold more precious than all else, they do not come first for the Light. Oh, sometimes they are there; often, indeed. But in the very long run the concern of you people is with the absolute good, ahead of all else..."

                          John Rowlands, The Grey King by Susan Cooper

                          "You come from the Lord Adam and the Lady Eve", said Aslan. "And that is both honour enough to erect the head of the poorest beggar, and shame enough to bow the shoulders of the greatest emperor on earth; be content."

                          Aslan, Prince Caspian by CS Lewis


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                            #14
                            Re: Advice

                            Therein lies the problem - this road trip was supposed to be about experiencing life and what it has to offer...the good as well as the bad. My ex was the longest relationship I ever had until I met GG...there will never be another opportunity for me to see how an ex has grown (or not) - especially since we haven't seen each other in over a decade.

                            As far as what there is to gain? Well who the fuck knows - a friend? An enemy? We were already sort of "enemies", I guess, so the loss is what - that things stay the same? And if we end up being friends - 2500 miles is a pretty big distance to cover for anything inappropriate (even if I weren't trustworthy).

                            With as frequently as I see forgive and forget bandied about here (usually for much worse stuff than something like this) I'm really curious as to the "bad" that everyone seems to think *may* happen.

                            I certainly agree with a meeting in a public place - I'm not completely retarded. It's not like I'm going to join her in her bedroom or something. But shit, we're adults now. This isn't a high school game or a circle of friends that we're forced to associate with because of a hobby. It's two people - one of which is claiming to be grown up now and would like to meet.

                            What keeps popping into my head is how when I was in Spokane and I talked to the neighbor that I had wronged (everyone reads the Blog, right? ). How would I have felt if I had pulled up and introduced myself, only to be told, "Get the fuck off of my property." I certainly would have understood how he felt, but being able to make my apology and having it accepted was a really big deal to me. Obviously, I don't know if that's what's going through her head or not - but if it IS...well shit...should I deny her that same opportunity for closure that was so critically important for me?

                            Truth: I don't OWE my ex a goddamned thing.
                            Also Truth: That doesn't mean that I need to be a child about it.

                            Am I blindly missing something here? Seriously - you guys are starting to scare me a bit and I'm no closer to understanding this fear that everyone seems to have on my behalf Of course, you guys may be making your decisions based on your own past experiences (in which case, if you relate them they may help me understand where you're coming from).

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                              #15
                              Re: Advice

                              My only concern, were I in your shoes (or were this something that came up in my relationship) would be what my spouse thought on the matter (which has been established), and if there was a potential benefit from it--I don't know how contentious your relationship was, to know if you or she need some sort of closure or not. If you feel that is a good idea, then go for it...
                              Wonderful Life: The Burgess Shale and the Nature of HistoryPagan Devotionals, because the wind and the rain is our Bible
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