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    People who make you feel bad about yourself?

    I don't really know where else to put this.

    Partly I need some advice, because I just wonder if I'm being way too sensitive. I have a few friends who kind of make me feel bad about myself sometimes. Like, they make fun of me a lot, and I know that's their sense of humour, but I have a lot of trouble taking it lightly. Some of the things they make fun of me for are genuine personality faults that I'm really working on, like the fact that I talk too much (which I do out of shyness and lack of confidence, btw), and others are stuff that's kind of personal but they know about, like the fact that I haven't had sex in a long time (which they sort of just guessed at, since no one has seen me with a guy in over a year). But sometimes the things people say to me really hurt, and I've never really been good with the kind of humour that involves making fun of people. It's ok when it's occasional and maybe related to something silly I did right then, but when it's all the time I have a lot of trouble with it, even though the kind of people who do it do it to everyone.

    Am I being too sensitive? If so, any advice on how to swallow that better?

    Does anyone else feel this way sometimes?

    #2
    Re: People who make you feel bad about yourself?

    Hun, this is the point where you need to have the guts to go up to that resin later and say, "hey, that hurt my feelings a bit. Teasing is fine, but can we tone it down a bit?"

    If someone is really your friend, they will respect that. If not...
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      #3
      Re: People who make you feel bad about yourself?

      You are not being overly sensitive. If something hurts you, then it's valid. A few things could be going on. They have a different set of skin then you. They may also feel awkward and don't know how to talk to you about it. They may be genuinely annoyed (as in with the talking thing). Yea, friends can annoy us. Hence how they are annoying you. But...if they are friends? Just tell them. Say 'ouchie, that one hurt'. In fact both Hassan and I have said that exact phrase to each other before. Even I can get hit below the belt. And I just say so.
      Satan is my spirit animal

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        #4
        Re: People who make you feel bad about yourself?

        I've dealt with people like this before. I've found that people like that usually have something on the inside that causes them do make fun of people to make themselves feel better.

        I don't do the whole 'pull them to the side and talk' because I've found that most people alone are fine. It's when you get them in groups and they do and say things they wouldn't by themselves.

        It really depends on your personality. Do you avoid confrontation? If so, then consider just dropping them from your life. I told myself a long time ago that I have enough negative bull**** to deal with as it is, what with my job and real life. I don't need my (so-called) friends to heap more and more helpings of it upon my plate.

        Then again, you can always attack back. There have been times where I've felt like I was ganged up on and have lashed out. I bring up something that hits way below the belt. Upon seeing their incredulous look, I've responded with something similar to, "What's wrong? It isn't funny when I do it?"

        That probably isn't the best route to take, though.

        Bottom line: If they're really your friends, they'll understand. If they think you're being a whiny drama queen, then they probably aren't your friends in the first place. Ditch them and find some that genuinely care about you.
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          #5
          Re: People who make you feel bad about yourself?

          Gonna reiterate that what you feel is valid. Don't put up with that at all. Tell them you don't tolerate that at all in front of everyone and be firm. It will take practice, but that's ok.
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            #6
            Re: People who make you feel bad about yourself?

            People like to mess around, and they like to jibe at others to elevate themselves. I am certain most people have done it at some times, and I know I do it a lot - although I'm working on it. Some do it because they feel insecure about themselves, while others are just nasty people.

            These guys sound like your friends, so I think you should just tell them to tone it down a bit. Don't just try to ignore it or marginalize it. If it hurts, make it stop
            "Wealth is as swift | as a winking eye
            Of friends the falsest it is."

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              #7
              Re: People who make you feel bad about yourself?

              I feel like I'm repeating everyone, but it doesn't matter if you think you're being overly-sensitive. If it's upsetting you, it's upsetting you. If your friend doesn't respect that, then cut them from your life. You don't need people around you that make you feel terrible. Especially friends.
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                #8
                Re: People who make you feel bad about yourself?

                Thanks everyone. I'll try to get the guts to ask them to stop. Especially about the sex thing...it's really rude I think and I haven't done it in so long for a REALLY good reason (I can't do casual sex and I haven't met anyone in ages and I was seeing someone long distance!) A lot of people I know think my views on casual sex are really old-fashioned, but it's my body and if I don't want to sleep with someone I barely know, that's my business.

                I have one friend in particular who is especially hurtful. He's a bit awkward himself and I think he wants to make jokes but doesn't know how to deliver them really. He doesn't do it in front of other people much either...just one on one but some of the remarks he makes are hurtful and cutting. Like, he'll cut down something I'm wearing. Or make fun of me for guys I used to date. Or stuff like that.

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                  #9
                  Re: People who make you feel bad about yourself?

                  If it were me, DanieMarie, I'd pick the person in the group with whom I feel best, and have a private talk about how the teasing makes me feel. Hopefully it will filter back to the others, and they'll realize that they need to tone it down a bit. There's much less fuss this way than there is when you have to confront a group. I'd try this before the confrontation.
                  Every moment of a life is a horrible tragedy, a slapstick comedy, dark nihilism, golden illumination, or nothing at all; depending on how we write the story we tell ourselves.

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                    #10
                    Re: People who make you feel bad about yourself?

                    While I whole-heartedly agree with everyone that your feelings in this situation ARE valid and it doesn't matter if anyone else is perceiving you as being overly sensitive...I just want to throw another thing into the mix.

                    My mom made me read a book awhile ago called the Four Agreements. It's a bit touchy feely and simplistic view of the world, but I think you can take a lot from the book. The agreements are:

                    Be impeccable with your word
                    Don't take anything personally
                    Don't make assumptions
                    Always do your best

                    I want to talk a bit about "Don't take anything personally". The reason my mom gave me the book was because she felt it helped her deal with her totally insane, cruel mother. In turn, it helped me deal with my mother! While it's extremely difficult to not take things personally when you are, in fact, being personally insulted, try to look at it from a different perspective. Like ConollyCelt said, some people attack others because they are personally insecure...or just mean. So when someone is being hurtful to you - it's THEIR problem. They are trying to make it YOUR problem. Resist the easy way out by internalizing the hurt. Do what everyone here has said - tell them it's a hurtful thing to say and ask them to stop. You can only control how you react in this situation.

                    This has helped a lot when my mom does things like talk about how poorly I'm dressed or how bad my hair looks after I've lost weight - I know she does this as a defense because she struggles to lose weight herself. She also reveals in pointing out when I've gained weight. She is projecting HER problem on to me. It's really made me understand what is going on by not taking it personally but trying to see what she really means. I still can't make her stop saying those things, but it no longer depresses me.

                    So, please do talk to your friends. But also don't internalize the teasing! That doesn't mean "blow it off" as in just ignore it, but don't carry it around with you. Doesn't sound like you are, but just wanted to mention it!
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                      #11
                      Re: People who make you feel bad about yourself?

                      I am really just going to agree with everyone else here and say that if it hurts you then you need to say something.

                      Without knowing your friends I am also going to throw in another perspective. It is possible that they are not trying to hurt you or make themselves feel better, they just have a dry sarcastic sense of humor. If you have laughed it off in the past they probably don't realise they are upsetting you and would be mortified to find out that this is the case.
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                        #12
                        Re: People who make you feel bad about yourself?

                        I generaly don't have this problem with people,as I have a bit of a temper. Word gets around if I go off on someone,then no one will speak out of turn knowing I might respond in a negitive way.
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                          #13
                          Re: People who make you feel bad about yourself?

                          Aside from the fact that everyone's given fantastic advice on the matter... It can't hurt to grow a little bit of a thicker skin. Your friends might understand your point of view when you tell them something they said hurts, but if it happens with a stranger, they might not react in an accommodating way. People can be assholes sometimes. There's no need to take everything personally.
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                            #14
                            Re: People who make you feel bad about yourself?

                            I am guilty of doing this to people. I often make jokes about others, or insult them. I never mean anything i say, and i assume that when a friend knows i love them that they will understand that i'm not being serious, but that is sometimes not the case. Then when they get their feelings hurt by assuming i am trying to make them feel bad they come back at me by saying something terribly rude in earnest.

                            Personally, my main method of conversation is through light-hearted banter and jokes. I also tend to be highly self-depricating because i find that sort of humor funny. I'm doing my best to stop this but it's such a part of me that it sometimes slips out and i can't tell where the line is from being funny to being mean.

                            My point for the story is to say that i'm sure your friends mean nothing hurtful by it-theyre probably just a bit thick like me. Not to say that you dont have the absolute right to be offended or cease speaking with them-you do. I just feel like remembering that they are probably joking and dont mean it at all can help you to not to let things affect your self-esteem. Don't look at it like "they're pointing out my faults, i feel bad about myself". Look at it like "theyre being rude and it's their problem, not mine".
                            Please disregard typos in above post. I browse the web on a Nook and i suck at typing on touch screens.

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                              #15
                              Re: People who make you feel bad about yourself?

                              Yeah I know it's not meant hurtful, but it's just that I've struggled with really horrible self esteem my whole life. I'm just at the point now, at 27, where I'm starting to grow a thick skin and feel good about myself, but it's taken this long and it's still really fragile. As someone who doesn't do this to people, I also have trouble finding it funny. Poking fun at society and such is one thing, but individual people (especially friends) is another...

                              I really wish people didn't do this by default, and would consider that maybe their friend has a sensitive streak. A lot of my friends know that I put myself down a lot (and not in a joking way) and try to get me to stop, but they seem unable to connect the two...I guess a lot of the people who know I'm like this are the girls though, and they actually don't use put-down humour. It's always the guys.
                              Last edited by DanieMarie; 22 Feb 2012, 10:50.

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