I need some outside, unbiased perspective on a situation concerning my boyfriend. I am an active member on another forum, but the people who frequent that forum are a little more... well, "rough-around-the-edges"/jaded/a little angry about men... I know the immediate response from over there would be to "dump his ass" so I'm looking for a little more insight than that.
Long story short, my boyfriend of 9 months is still friends with a girl who he used to have a "friends with benefits" relationship with. She fell for him - he did not return the feelings. They stopped sleeping together, and a few months later, I came into the picture. They weren't even really talking when we started dating, but she was so upset that he was with me, that she forbid my boyfriend from ever bringing me into the bar where she works (the bar that he frequents as it's right down the street from his apartment). Eventually, I was "allowed" to go in with him on nights she didn't work, but have still not been allowed in the 3 nights a weeks she works. I didn't really care until I noticed he was bringing her up in conversation a lot - talking about how she took him shopping for pants, he was escorting her to her brother's weekend-long, out of town wedding, I noticed she was texting him all the time... Apparently, they reconciled their friendship, though nothing has changed in her childish behavior about me. I admit I snooped (once) to see if the texts were anything to worry about - they weren't - just her looking for attention, and he insisted the reconciliation was simply because she was part of his circle of friends and he couldn't just ignore her forever. I told him it was fine to be civil in public, but that the one-on-one meetings and large favors were inappropriate, considering the circumstances, and needed to end.
He agreed, and I attempted to ignore her continued presence (texts, her seeing him 2-3 nights a week at the bar after he gets off work, her showing up at the restaurant where he works to visit him, her buying him a semi-expensive Christmas present), but I finally snapped. I told him that her behavior was ridiculous and immature, and I wasn't going to humor it anymore. 9 months is more than enough time for an ex-"FWB" to get over the fact that she never dated someone, at least to the point where she should be able to handle me being in the same room. My boyfriend openly admits that she would NOT be nice to me if I was around, even though she has never even met me! It is purely from jealousy. I told him that she was blatantly disrespecting my position as his girlfriend by constantly pawing at him for attention and demanding that I never be around him at the same time that she is, and that by him going along with it, he was disrespecting me by default - that this was unfair to me and it needed to end. He promised he would do something about it...
But it's been 2 weeks (during which time, I know he has seen her at least 5 times at the bar) and he hasn't said anything to the effect that he's brought it up to her. My resentment of her and this situation has gotten to the point where I spend large quantities of my day thinking about how angry I am about it. The thing is, I am actually fine with never being around her (I now don't like her much more than she likes me), and I kinda wonder if I should just let it go since I know that nothing shady is going on... but the other part of me says that it's the principle of the thing - that my boyfriend should be sticking up for me rather than allowing some other woman to order around the boundaries of OUR relationship, and that if I'm not around her, it should MY choice, not HERS. Even my best friend, who originally tried to calm me down about her, has reached the point where she thinks this is all wrong. Should I just feel sorry for this woman, be the bigger person and let it go (especially since I don't really wanna hang out with her either)? Or should I talk to my boyfriend again and make sure the situation is resolved? How can I push him to make this right without coming across as nagging and insecure?
Really, all this drama isn't me. I'm not looking to start trouble, but I feel slighted when my boyfriend allows this woman to treat me like this and goes along with it for the sake of her feelings without considering mine. When we first started dating, he told me he didn't want to bring baggage into the relationship, but she has been nothing but baggage since the very beginning. I don't want to be this pushy, jealous girlfriend that demands he cut off a friend... but I feel like she's pushing me into it by being this pushy, jealous, ex-FB that won't keep her distance from a taken man.
Sorry for the super-long post, but I couldn't sleep without sending this problem somewhere out into the world for feedback! I'd appreciate any opinions and advice!
Long story short, my boyfriend of 9 months is still friends with a girl who he used to have a "friends with benefits" relationship with. She fell for him - he did not return the feelings. They stopped sleeping together, and a few months later, I came into the picture. They weren't even really talking when we started dating, but she was so upset that he was with me, that she forbid my boyfriend from ever bringing me into the bar where she works (the bar that he frequents as it's right down the street from his apartment). Eventually, I was "allowed" to go in with him on nights she didn't work, but have still not been allowed in the 3 nights a weeks she works. I didn't really care until I noticed he was bringing her up in conversation a lot - talking about how she took him shopping for pants, he was escorting her to her brother's weekend-long, out of town wedding, I noticed she was texting him all the time... Apparently, they reconciled their friendship, though nothing has changed in her childish behavior about me. I admit I snooped (once) to see if the texts were anything to worry about - they weren't - just her looking for attention, and he insisted the reconciliation was simply because she was part of his circle of friends and he couldn't just ignore her forever. I told him it was fine to be civil in public, but that the one-on-one meetings and large favors were inappropriate, considering the circumstances, and needed to end.
He agreed, and I attempted to ignore her continued presence (texts, her seeing him 2-3 nights a week at the bar after he gets off work, her showing up at the restaurant where he works to visit him, her buying him a semi-expensive Christmas present), but I finally snapped. I told him that her behavior was ridiculous and immature, and I wasn't going to humor it anymore. 9 months is more than enough time for an ex-"FWB" to get over the fact that she never dated someone, at least to the point where she should be able to handle me being in the same room. My boyfriend openly admits that she would NOT be nice to me if I was around, even though she has never even met me! It is purely from jealousy. I told him that she was blatantly disrespecting my position as his girlfriend by constantly pawing at him for attention and demanding that I never be around him at the same time that she is, and that by him going along with it, he was disrespecting me by default - that this was unfair to me and it needed to end. He promised he would do something about it...
But it's been 2 weeks (during which time, I know he has seen her at least 5 times at the bar) and he hasn't said anything to the effect that he's brought it up to her. My resentment of her and this situation has gotten to the point where I spend large quantities of my day thinking about how angry I am about it. The thing is, I am actually fine with never being around her (I now don't like her much more than she likes me), and I kinda wonder if I should just let it go since I know that nothing shady is going on... but the other part of me says that it's the principle of the thing - that my boyfriend should be sticking up for me rather than allowing some other woman to order around the boundaries of OUR relationship, and that if I'm not around her, it should MY choice, not HERS. Even my best friend, who originally tried to calm me down about her, has reached the point where she thinks this is all wrong. Should I just feel sorry for this woman, be the bigger person and let it go (especially since I don't really wanna hang out with her either)? Or should I talk to my boyfriend again and make sure the situation is resolved? How can I push him to make this right without coming across as nagging and insecure?
Really, all this drama isn't me. I'm not looking to start trouble, but I feel slighted when my boyfriend allows this woman to treat me like this and goes along with it for the sake of her feelings without considering mine. When we first started dating, he told me he didn't want to bring baggage into the relationship, but she has been nothing but baggage since the very beginning. I don't want to be this pushy, jealous girlfriend that demands he cut off a friend... but I feel like she's pushing me into it by being this pushy, jealous, ex-FB that won't keep her distance from a taken man.
Sorry for the super-long post, but I couldn't sleep without sending this problem somewhere out into the world for feedback! I'd appreciate any opinions and advice!
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