Different religions, same relationship, big problems.

[Zephyranth]

First off, I would like to say that this is not a post to complain about my life, but rather to get opinions from all of you on the situation.

My boyfriend is very atheist. When I discovered Wicca about a year into our relationship, he looked into it as well and decided that he agreed with the lifestyle, but not being a theist, could not truly belong to any religion (in his opinion). So, it's been a year and we've lived in this arrangement... Me living full out Wiccan, him living as a sort of a mix between an atheist and a Pagan.
Twice over the past couple of days I have said something along the lines of "Thank the Lord and Lady", as just an expression and not necessarily a prayer. Once, I thanked Them for autocorrect on my cell phone, and the other I thanked Them for my boyfriend's safe trip home late at night.
Yesterday, the second time this occurred, he basically lost it with me, telling me that it made me feel uncomfortable when I say such things. Then, after neglecting to talk to me for four hours (after I had had a nightmare the night before of this very thing happening-- which he was aware of...) he let me know (over text message) the following:

"I think religion is going to be a problem. And I will back away if it is. I left it a long time ago for a reason."

I tried to explain to him that it's okay for us to believe different things, and eventually he put up with it and agreed with me... Things are alright now, but I must admit that I'm a little unsettled about the situation.

So my questions to all of you are these:

What is your opinion of what happened?
Have you had similar things happen to you?
How would you have dealt with the situation?
Do you agree or disagree with what he said?

[Jembru]

Re: Different religions, same relationship, big problems.

Hmm, I don't know but you really need to make time to really talk this over. My instincts would tell me this is not really about the religion but something else. So explore your relationship. Has anything changed? Is there something big happening in his life?

I have had something similar, but it was in a past relationship and it wasn't really the religion that bothered him. He had dated me because he liked me as a friend and know I loved him. He felt pressure to make me happy, so entered a relationship he wasn't meant to be in. He blamed my beliefs as well as other things, for why we weren't working out and I was so heartbroken after the breakup that I quit paganism. Whenever I even thought of paganism or magic, I felt uncomfortable, foolish and somewhat humiliated by his words.

I'm not suggesting this is your situation, so please don't worry. You've been together a while after all! But my experience does illustrate that sometimes a fight over something silly, can indicate there is something deeper not being voiced.

Hope you sort it soon. My current partner is non-pagan and not religious (won't call himself atheist and corrects me if I do, though), and we work fine. He does get irritated if I take oracles or omens too seriously and he is quite aggressively against any form of mediumship, but otherwise, he is happy for me to believe what I like as he can see it gives me strength and hope in dark times.

[Zephyranth]

Re: Different religions, same relationship, big problems.

Yes, I think it is probably something else at the base of the way he's feeling, Jembru... His parents are going through a rough divorce and as a child he had a bad family life, but I don't think he ever thought he would actually see it fall apart... Also, I think he's really afraid to believe in a deity because he doesn't feel that he's worthy of that. And he's scared to think anything is more powerful than him...
His ex was also a Pagan, which I think is hard for him, because I think some things I do and say remind him of her and she was a really cruel person.

I think things will work out fine, and he was just overreacting to the initial annoyance... Thank you for your input, I will definitely try to dig deeper...

And you're lucky to have that sort of relationship! Congrats on that! I hope that my boyfriend and I can get to that place in our relationship We're slowly but surely figuring things out together after a rough patch about a year ago.

Again, thanks so much! What you said makes a lot of sense!

[Jembru]

Re: Different religions, same relationship, big problems.

You're welcome. It sounds as though you've already got to the roots of it so hopefully a solution won't be far behind!

[Medusa]

Re: Different religions, same relationship, big problems.

Well you said you are living a full Wiccan life and he's living half a life that is his own belief (atheist) and half that is not. It would eventually piss me off to be living a life I do not believe in. I'm Atheist. I too gave it up for a reason. But people in relationships tend to put more honor and importance in the one who is a theist. It's like us Atheists always have to give up something. We never tell a theist give up living your religion with me. Just giving you an opinion form someone who has been there. No matter how much we try to understand and accept it..we are in essence being a second class citizen in our own home..for the person we love. Resentment grows deep.

[Zephyranth]

Re: Different religions, same relationship, big problems.

Well you said you are living a full Wiccan life and he's living half a life that is his own belief (atheist) and half that is not. It would eventually piss me off to be living a life I do not believe in. I'm Atheist. I too gave it up for a reason. But people in relationships tend to put more honor and importance in the one who is a theist. It's like us Atheists always have to give up something. We never tell a theist give up living your religion with me. Just giving you an opinion form someone who has been there. No matter how much we try to understand and accept it..we are in essence being a second class citizen in our own home..for the person we love. Resentment grows deep.

The thing with me, is I told him that I really don't care what his religion is. Agree to disagree, I say. As long as he doesn't try to sway me from my beliefs, I have no interest into swaying him to mine. I didn't realize in the beginning that he really had anything against it. It isn't like him to just go with the flow. Honestly, though I understand, I'm a little insulted that he did... It makes me feel like a big bully, when really I know I didn't pressure him into anything.
I talked to him and told him that he's willing to believe anything he wants to. It's one of the most important things in this world for me for him to express himself and be honest with the world. I just hope he listened to me.

[AuroraWinters]

Re: Different religions, same relationship, big problems.

I think he has some deep-seeded issues here. Why would it bug him so much to just hear you say a somewhat religious phrase? You say you're not forcing anything on him, and if he's been living a "half-pagan" life it's probably because he was interested in it (as you said), not because he feels "forced" to. Personally, the only thing that annoys me more than religious people not being able to handle people of a different religion or non-religion being different around them, is non-religious people bashing those religious people and then acting the same frikin' way about people daring to exercise their religion around them. Either you are open-minded or you aren't. I hate when atheists pretend to hate telling people what to do or believe but act hostile to anyone who isn't an atheist like them...

Reassure him that you being a Wiccan does not mean you expect him to participate in anything religious you do, but neither does that mean you will hide your new religion from his delicate ears and eyes. I hardly think that allowing you to say "thank the lord and lady" in his presence constitutes as him "sacrificing" his atheistic beliefs... If he seriously can't handle dating someone who isn't a militant atheist like he is, then maybe he should leave. I think he's being just as close-minded and demanding as any religious person he would probably hate. He either has serious issues regarding religion because of his past, or he is just so set in his beliefs that he views any religious person as "stupid" or "delusional." If the latter, then this probably isn't going to work, but if it's the former, then he needs to recognize and deal with his issues to get over himself.

[Medusa]

Re: Different religions, same relationship, big problems.

I think he has some deep-seeded issues here. Why would it bug him so much to just hear you say a somewhat religious phrase? You say you're not forcing anything on him, and if he's been living a "half-pagan" life it's probably because he was interested in it (as you said), not because he feels "forced" to. Personally, the only thing that annoys me more than religious people not being able to handle people of a different religion or non-religion being different around them, is non-religious people bashing those religious people and then acting the same frikin' way about people daring to exercise their religion around them. Either you are open-minded or you aren't. I hate when atheists pretend to hate telling people what to do or believe but act hostile to anyone who isn't an atheist like them...

Reassure him that you being a Wiccan does not mean you expect him to participate in anything religious you do, but neither does that mean you will hide your new religion from his delicate ears and eyes. I hardly think that allowing you to say "thank the lord and lady" in his presence constitutes as him "sacrificing" his atheistic beliefs... If he seriously can't handle dating someone who isn't a militant atheist like he is, then maybe he should leave. I think he's being just as close-minded and demanding as any religious person he would probably hate. He either has serious issues regarding religion because of his past, or he is just so set in his beliefs that he views any religious person as "stupid" or "delusional." If the latter, then this probably isn't going to work, but if it's the former, then he needs to recognize and deal with his issues to get over himself.

Girl. Someone has done you so wrong.

[Yazichestvo]

Re: Different religions, same relationship, big problems.

I'm in a relationship with someone who isn't a pagan. She's not an atheist, but she has no real defined religion, and I forget this sometimes. I try not to talk about it so much around her now, because I realized that she was "trying" to become a pagan because of me. I didn't ask her to, but just by talking about it and showing her that it's important to me, I pressured her. So I can understand why it would make your significant other uncomfortable. Just because you're not asking them to convert doesn't mean there's no pressure.

Your boyfriends' anger with the phrase "Lord and Lady" is probably a sign of deeper issues. If you're injecting religious language into your everyday speech, then that begs the question, how much of your personality are you giving up to your religion? He may feel that he is losing you to it. I could be wrong, but there might be more going on here than him being overly sensitive to your wording.

[AuroraWinters]

Re: Different religions, same relationship, big problems.

Girl. Someone has done you so wrong.

No one has ever done me wrong, but although I don't even consider myself "religious" in the traditional sense, I have had many friends who are atheists who I think just take it to a hostile level. Maybe I ranted a little strongly, but it is just one of my pet peeves when non-religious people put down religious people for being intolerant, but then act the same way toward those religious people. If my bf freaked out at me because I simply said "thank the lord and lady" in his presence, I would think he was acting really ridiculous and immature.

[AuroraWinters]

Re: Different religions, same relationship, big problems.

Btw, I don't know if my post came off as though I was ranting against you and what you said since I referenced your post to make a point. I wasn't. I actually think your point was really good, and it was good to get an atheist perspective. In talking about hostile atheists, I was referring to her bf and his behavior. I think the point about how he might feel pressured was good - looking back, I just assumed that if he was half-participating, it was because she was correct in interpreting his genuine interest in it, but maybe that was wrong and he really was doing it just because he felt like he had to to make her happy. And I think it should be part of their discussion, her telling him that she does not expect him to change his atheistic views and to stop participating if it bugs him. But I brought up the part about sacrificing, because I hardly think that her saying a religious phrase (his trigger) was him sacrificing anything. If that is the thing that set him off, then that should be addressed as something that is silly to get upset over, even though it is probably just part of a bigger issue he is facing.

Sorry if it seemed I was ranting in response to your post about how atheists feel in relationships with religious folk. I just realized that it probably seemed that way, but I was only trying to take a part of your point to make my own point.

[Medusa]

Re: Different religions, same relationship, big problems.

It wasn't just this. But the other post you made in another thread. I read them back to back last night. It just sounded as if you got burned bad by someone and was still bitter.

- - - Updated - - -

Once, I thanked Them for autocorrect on my cell phone, and the other I thanked Them for my boyfriend's safe trip home late at night.

Now I do think the boyfriend's reaction was indeed a bit overboard. Which leads me to believe something else he hasn't been saying is the issue. This saying should not drive a person nuts.

But as an Atheist...to the first one of auto correct? I'd be rolling my eyes back so far I'd look like the Exorcist. And as it's my belief as an Atheist this is horseshit...it might come off offensive to a Theist. But hey..It's MY belief system. Deal with it...right?

There is still a double standard of theists' beliefs being acceptable. And a Non Theist's belief that it's horseshit is not acceptable. Because let's not lie. We are Atheist for the fact we believe all that is horseshit. I mean sure we can just say I don't agree. It's not for me. But deep down inside, in our own home. Where our own beliefs don't have to cater to anyone? We think it's bunk. And we don't cover it. But we do. For the Theist we love.

That's a choice that can after a while grate a nerve.

[Zephyranth]

Re: Different religions, same relationship, big problems.

I'm in a relationship with someone who isn't a pagan. She's not an atheist, but she has no real defined religion, and I forget this sometimes. I try not to talk about it so much around her now, because I realized that she was "trying" to become a pagan because of me. I didn't ask her to, but just by talking about it and showing her that it's important to me, I pressured her. So I can understand why it would make your significant other uncomfortable. Just because you're not asking them to convert doesn't mean there's no pressure.

Your boyfriends' anger with the phrase "Lord and Lady" is probably a sign of deeper issues. If you're injecting religious language into your everyday speech, then that begs the question, how much of your personality are you giving up to your religion? He may feel that he is losing you to it. I could be wrong, but there might be more going on here than him being overly sensitive to your wording.

I do definitely think that he believes he's losing me to it... But he has issues with all religions, not just mine. It can get to be a little bit ridiculous how he treats people, actually, when he doesn't agree. I think he's being very overly sensitive.

- - - Updated - - -

Now I do think the boyfriend's reaction was indeed a bit overboard. Which leads me to believe something else he hasn't been saying is the issue. This saying should not drive a person nuts.

But as an Atheist...to the first one of auto correct? I'd be rolling my eyes back so far I'd look like the Exorcist. And as it's my belief as an Atheist this is horseshit...it might come off offensive to a Theist. But hey..It's MY belief system. Deal with it...right?

There is still a double standard of theists' beliefs being acceptable. And a Non Theist's belief that it's horseshit is not acceptable. Because let's not lie. We are Atheist for the fact we believe all that is horseshit. I mean sure we can just say I don't agree. It's not for me. But deep down inside, in our own home. Where our own beliefs don't have to cater to anyone? We think it's bunk. And we don't cover it. But we do. For the Theist we love.

That's a choice that can after a while grate a nerve.

In thanking Them for autocorrect, I was using it purely as an expression, completely teasing and just throwing it in there as a Pagan expression. Obviously, I know that They are not responsible for autocorrect. That's ridiculous. But, after explaining to him time and time again this, he still didn't seem to understand what I was trying to get across. He knows that while being religious, I'm not overly religious. And I see the Lord and Lady as forces of guidance in my life, and not as all-powerful figures. I don't believe that They are responsible for any little thing.
"Holy shit... It's a bunny... Do you know what that means? I need to go by some carrots! Thank the Lord and Lady for giving me this sign!!!!"
Um... No. I'm not nearly that crazy.

[Chris_Trejbal]

Re: Different religions, same relationship, big problems.

You might have to explore the reason why he has these issues and difficulties with religion and beliefs. Try talking with him, just taking a bit of time one day for it. I hope the best for you two