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Drawn to, but reluctant.

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    Drawn to, but reluctant.

    Hey all,

    I have a few things that I'd like some feedback on. I'll try my best to explain the situation thus far.

    It seems as if I've always had an interest in Paganism. I used to spend my gym period in elementary school reading about it (and a myriad of other things) in the library. It really took off when I was in middle school, but became an undeniable interest in high school. I bought a few books to read with the intention of practicing, but trying to break into something so vast with just a few books is difficult. I tabled the idea and have had brief contact with the subject from time to time.

    In college I befriended someone who was a high priestess and asked about a million questions. Eventually she took me on as a student and I studied for about half a year. When it came time to dedicate, I got cold feet and backed out. Naturally this burned a bridge between us (nice way to say pissed her off something fierce) and I haven't spoken to her in about five months or so. Again I tabled the idea, but every Fall (or close to it) I start to feel the pull again and it's starting to become hard to put aside.

    I lost my job last October, but I was living off of student loans. Now, since they've run out, it's starting to get desperate. I've put out about sixty resume's, but not luck. So I decided to try my hand at an impromptu ritual, using all the things I learned. The very next day I received a phone call for an interview. Half of me is calling it coincidence, but the other half is saying that I actually caused it. So once again I plunge into research (this time focused on Germanic Paganism) and once again I feel the pull (since it's getting close to Fall). Yet, I'm still reluctant.

    The reason for this is that I was coerced into Christianity-as a child-by way of fear, and now I'm afraid of dedicating so fully into one religion. I have to also mention that I am terrified of death and this factors heavily into my search for religion (and was a heavy motivating factor in my previous coercion).

    So, to get to the point (which I know has become laborious), why am I so reluctant? Why can't I just commit if the pull is so strong?

    #2
    Re: Drawn to, but reluctant.

    Its normal to be cautious. Its a sign of intelligence and being genuine about your search for spirituality. Fools rush in where others dare to tread.

    It sounds like youre intelligent enough its natural to be concerned when youre looking closely at the uncertainty and trauma of death and neopaganism lacks dogma leaving all that down to the individual. Its not giving you what youre looking for. Dogma can be bad but it serves a purpose, to provide theraputic certainty in times of need, neopaganism lacks it because its not culturally generated and community oriented. It developed from an offshoot of masonry, small secret clubs of people rather then something relevant to cultures or societies that addresses big issues.

    Neopaganism really isnt for everyone, I know that if I didnt have traditional IRish culture to answer all the questions for me containing my spirituality in neopaganism would be like holding water in a sieve. Theres too many holes. Im rambling now, it is what it is, it has its pros and cons and they have to be weighed up against each other by a person serious about their spirituality.

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      #3
      Re: Drawn to, but reluctant.

      I am a lot like you. My interest waxes and wanes. Has recently started to wax again (always around this time of year too... weird?) But then I sort of drift away again. I think it's more because while my broad beliefs have pagan tendencies, a lot of the religiosity doesn't jive with me. I've settled in with the idea that I'll never be a "true" pagan or witch by the standards of most who follow the path religiously, but that doesn't mean I can't still learn from the various neopagan paths and dabble where my interests lie. Maybe you turned away from initiation because you knew that wasn't the specific form of pagan dogma you wanted to follow. Perhaps you fall away from it time and again because it's hard to "commit" to something that doesn't have a name or rules or specific rituals, but you can't find a specific pagan path that feels right to you. If you are still drawn to paganism, I think you should continue to look into the areas that interest you. Don't worry about committing. There's no reason to feel pressure, and freak yourself out, to commit to a pagan path in order to look into and follow certain things. That's what makes "paganism" such a broad and beautiful term, and why we have so many "eclectics" - pagans with no "defined" path, taking bits and pieces from the paths around them.

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        #4
        Re: Drawn to, but reluctant.

        Sounds like you don't know what path you really want to identify with. You do know that that's OK right? Run through people and see how many times the word "eclectic" appears under "Religion:" Alot of us feel the same way you do, like the specifics are all fine for people but it isn't what we were looking for. When I was about 16-17 I had decided that I was going to be a presbyterian minister. Clearly that did not work out the way I had envisioned, things happen and you become disillusioned by what you once considered undeniable truth. Did that make it difficult to even start looking at other paths? Yep, did I think that maybe I was betraying myself or someone else when I started? Sure did. Have I answered every question about life the universe and everything for me? Nope (unless 42 really is the answer...) but I am always willing to learn more, to look in new places for more information, sometimes I take bits and pieces from whatI learn and use it, sometimes I think it works and sometimes it doesn't, but that too is OK. Because I am me and what I believe isn't nessecarily what anyone else believes in and some people are invariably going to have a problem with that. Well that will have to be their problem, cause it isnt mine. Be who you want to be, don't look for too much approval from anyone, I'm sorry that your decision not to dedicate upset your "friend." Most people know that curiosity does not always lead to commitment, and she should have as well. There are many other people who would be willing to teach you without nessecarily expecting a commitment, you may find them here, you may need to look elsewhere, but this is the internet and if it exists you can probably find it somewhere, you just have to keep looking. So yeah I guess thewhole point of my post is keep looking or you won't find anything. Hope that helps a little bit.
        http://catcrowsnow.blogspot.com/

        But they were doughnuts of darkness. Evil damned doughnuts, tainted by the spawn of darkness.... Which could obviously only be redeemed by passing through the fiery inferno of my digestive tract.
        ~Jim Butcher

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          #5
          Re: Drawn to, but reluctant.

          The question you would ask yourself is, what do you actually believe? Take time to answer that question for yourself. Don't rush it. Don't answer with what you wish you believed, but what you actually honest and truly believe in without flinching every day. And if that answer is along the lines of "pagan stuff" then that is good. If it's not, that's good too. Don't force yourself to believe in something. Alternately, don't cling to things you don't believe in anymore. Neither one is very healthy.

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            #6
            Re: Drawn to, but reluctant.

            I appreciate all the responses and it has definitely given me some things to think about.

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              #7
              Re: Drawn to, but reluctant.

              Take all the time you need.

              I'm not a fan of casually or hastily made commitments in religion. They tend to be the type most casually broken. I could actually be mildly irritated with the High Priestess you mention if I think about the subject too long. The whole delay before dedication is specifically so that if you have misgivings, they come up before you've made any serious commitments. Well, the system worked as intended. If she didn't like the outcome then that's definitively her problem. She had better options available than letting her temper get involved.
              life itself was a lightsaber in his hands; even in the face of treachery and death and hopes gone cold, he burned like a candle in the darkness. Like a star shining in the black eternity of space.

              Yoda: Dark Rendezvous

              "But those men who know anything at all about the Light also know that there is a fierceness to its power, like the bare sword of the law, or the white burning of the sun." Suddenly his voice sounded to Will very strong, and very Welsh. "At the very heart, that is. Other things, like humanity, and mercy, and charity, that most good men hold more precious than all else, they do not come first for the Light. Oh, sometimes they are there; often, indeed. But in the very long run the concern of you people is with the absolute good, ahead of all else..."

              John Rowlands, The Grey King by Susan Cooper

              "You come from the Lord Adam and the Lady Eve", said Aslan. "And that is both honour enough to erect the head of the poorest beggar, and shame enough to bow the shoulders of the greatest emperor on earth; be content."

              Aslan, Prince Caspian by CS Lewis


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