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What Not to Say to a Newbie

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    #46
    Re: What Not to Say to a Newbie

    This one wasn't quite to a newbie but to the mormons who wouldn't stop bugging me even though I repeatedly told them to go away...

    *knocks on door at same time* *I grab my cat and a large kitchen knife and open the door looking between the two*
    "Oh goodie! A human sacrifice!! That should work sooo much better! Come on in!!!" *bright cheery smile on my face*

    They got the most frightened expression on their face and I haven't had to deal with them since
    Always taking art commissions, especially for fantasy and pagan related artwork
    Featured on Deviantart, Storenvy, Facebook, and Cafepress
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      #47
      Re: What Not to Say to a Newbie

      Originally posted by Maria de Luna View Post
      I got fired a week ago so I did a spell to make me a millionaire, I still don't have any money, what can I do to make it work better?

      Best bet is to wear a mask (I prefer the sparkly lone ranger-style, on a stick) next time, when you hand the teller the note. And fill the squirt gun.





      Okay. So my friends and I were fooling around and I think we accidentally, on purpose, let a bunch of demons loose. Can you help?




      "Reason is not automatic. Those who deny it cannot be conquered by it." - Ayn Rand

      "Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth." - Marcus Aurelius

      "The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice." - Mark Twain

      "The only gossip I'm interested in is things from the Weekly World News - 'Woman's bra bursts, 11 injured'. That kind of thing." - Johnny Depp


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        #48
        Re: What Not to Say to a Newbie

        Originally posted by ChainLightning View Post
        Okay. So my friends and I were fooling around and I think we accidentally, on purpose, let a bunch of demons loose. Can you help?

        Always use protection.

        What's the best drug to use to get the most out of my trance work?
        �Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted. And experience is often the most valuable thing you have to offer.�
        ― Randy Pausch, The Last Lecture
        Sneak Attack
        Avatar picture by the wonderful and talented TJSGrimm.

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          #49
          Re: What Not to Say to a Newbie

          Originally posted by Eisheth View Post
          What's the best drug to use to get the most out of my trance work?


          Tough call. Several hits of LSD is usually the best option but it's not readily available. Have you tried Drano?




          This may sound stupid but what is an OBE?




          "Reason is not automatic. Those who deny it cannot be conquered by it." - Ayn Rand

          "Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth." - Marcus Aurelius

          "The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice." - Mark Twain

          "The only gossip I'm interested in is things from the Weekly World News - 'Woman's bra bursts, 11 injured'. That kind of thing." - Johnny Depp


          Comment

            #50
            Re: What Not to Say to a Newbie

            Originally posted by ChainLightning View Post
            This may sound stupid but what is an OBE?
            It's an Original Bitchin' Experience.

            I'm trying to lose weight. Any good spells?
            "Keep me away from the wisdom which does not cry, the philosophy which does not laugh and the greatness which does not bow before children." - Khalil Gibran

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              #51
              Re: What Not to Say to a Newbie

              Starvation generally works, not my favorite ritual but it does the trick.

              How do I teleport?
              life itself was a lightsaber in his hands; even in the face of treachery and death and hopes gone cold, he burned like a candle in the darkness. Like a star shining in the black eternity of space.

              Yoda: Dark Rendezvous

              "But those men who know anything at all about the Light also know that there is a fierceness to its power, like the bare sword of the law, or the white burning of the sun." Suddenly his voice sounded to Will very strong, and very Welsh. "At the very heart, that is. Other things, like humanity, and mercy, and charity, that most good men hold more precious than all else, they do not come first for the Light. Oh, sometimes they are there; often, indeed. But in the very long run the concern of you people is with the absolute good, ahead of all else..."

              John Rowlands, The Grey King by Susan Cooper

              "You come from the Lord Adam and the Lady Eve", said Aslan. "And that is both honour enough to erect the head of the poorest beggar, and shame enough to bow the shoulders of the greatest emperor on earth; be content."

              Aslan, Prince Caspian by CS Lewis


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                #52
                Re: What Not to Say to a Newbie

                Wana hold my wand(Hehehe) it's magic!
                Gargoyles watch over me...I can hear them snicker in the dark.


                Pull the operating handle (which protrudes from the right side of the receiver) smartly to the rear and release it.

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                  #53
                  Re: What Not to Say to a Newbie

                  Originally posted by Monk View Post
                  Wana hold my wand(Hehehe) it's magic!
                  Ask a question, too!

                  *Poke, poke*
                  Great Grandmother's Kitchen

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                    #54
                    Re: What Not to Say to a Newbie

                    Originally posted by Dez View Post
                    Ask a question, too!

                    *Poke, poke*
                    That was a question :P And poking is what most guys do with their magic wands. >.<

                    My spirit guide ran away, what do I do?
                    The forum member formerly known as perzephone. Or Perze. I've shed a skin.

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                      #55
                      Re: What Not to Say to a Newbie

                      Lock the door.




                      My little brother used my athame to clean and gut a squirrel. Is it okay to put it in the dishwasher?




                      "Reason is not automatic. Those who deny it cannot be conquered by it." - Ayn Rand

                      "Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth." - Marcus Aurelius

                      "The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice." - Mark Twain

                      "The only gossip I'm interested in is things from the Weekly World News - 'Woman's bra bursts, 11 injured'. That kind of thing." - Johnny Depp


                      Comment

                        #56
                        Re: What Not to Say to a Newbie

                        Originally posted by ChainLightning View Post
                        My little brother used my athame to clean and gut a squirrel. Is it okay to put it in the dishwasher?
                        Yes, but only if the water in the dishwasher comes from a spring sacred to Bridgit.

                        I heard that before using a tarot deck, you should bless it by playing an all night poker game with it. Is this true?
                        Every moment of a life is a horrible tragedy, a slapstick comedy, dark nihilism, golden illumination, or nothing at all; depending on how we write the story we tell ourselves.

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                          #57
                          Re: What Not to Say to a Newbie

                          Yes, but it has to be strip poker so that everything is revealed by the cards.

                          Is that your familiar, it looks a lot like a teletubbie!



                          Sorry I was slow on the uptake on the last one.
                          Gargoyles watch over me...I can hear them snicker in the dark.


                          Pull the operating handle (which protrudes from the right side of the receiver) smartly to the rear and release it.

                          Comment

                            #58
                            Re: What Not to Say to a Newbie

                            Originally posted by Monk View Post
                            Is that your familiar, it looks a lot like a teletubbie!
                            No, that's Yog Sothoth. He knows where the Old Ones broke through of old, and where They shall break through again...



                            Last night I had a dream. In the dream, my patron diety first appeared as an onion, then transformed into a watermellon. Is he trying to tell me something?
                            Every moment of a life is a horrible tragedy, a slapstick comedy, dark nihilism, golden illumination, or nothing at all; depending on how we write the story we tell ourselves.

                            Comment

                              #59
                              Re: What Not to Say to a Newbie

                              Originally posted by B. de Corbin View Post
                              Last night I had a dream. In the dream, my patron deity first appeared as an onion, then transformed into a watermelon. Is he trying to tell me something?
                              After consulting many oracles and tools of divination... I hate to tell ya this, but your patron removed many layers of your wife's clothing, one thing led to another - and now she's pregnant. On the plus side, your child may be a mighty slayer of serpents, lions, tamer of man-eating horses, wooer of Amazons... and possibly completely insane.


                              Ok, so I shut and locked the door like Chain suggested, but my spirit guide had already gotten out. I think my familiar may have run off with him. What do I do now?!
                              The forum member formerly known as perzephone. Or Perze. I've shed a skin.

                              Comment

                                #60
                                Re: What Not to Say to a Newbie

                                Originally posted by perzephone View Post
                                Ok, so I shut and locked the door like Chain suggested, but my spirit guide had already gotten out. I think my familiar may have run off with him. What do I do now?!
                                Get a really good tazer and go outside and find the first person with an animal that you see. "Bless" the person with the tazer, tie them up and bring them back home. Periodically continue to bless the person and when they finally stop moving alltogether, the animal they had with them will be your new familiar and you will find that there is a new spirit in your house. now you just have to make it your companion.

                                Monk asked me to hold his wand cause it was magic, how do I know if it really is, and should I hold it?
                                http://catcrowsnow.blogspot.com/

                                But they were doughnuts of darkness. Evil damned doughnuts, tainted by the spawn of darkness.... Which could obviously only be redeemed by passing through the fiery inferno of my digestive tract.
                                ~Jim Butcher

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