Hello everyone.. I have been reading over this forum off and on for a little over a year now, and Finally felt the need to create an account on here and hopefully become a part of this community and maybe, find some answers for myself in the process... So, here goes..
I grew up in a very (and when I say very, I mean VERY) Christianized home. My parents, and I, always went to Sunday and Wednesday meetings. But that's not to say my life was in any way a breeze. I've struggled with depression all my life, from a very (there's that VERY again) young age, and I happened to live in a home where if you were under a certain age it was not physically possible to be depressed. Well, thankfully they figured out that was absolutely incorrect quick enough, or else I might not be here today... But ANYWAYS.. I have, since about the time I got "saved" at about 10 or 11, began to question exactly what it was I believed in. Why did I believe in it? Why did I pray to God every night and why did the speeches of the preacher never stay in my heart like I was taught they should? And it was about 15 that I finally realized that I was who I was because that's how I was RAISED to be. That's what I was taught to believe and what I was taught to never question or consider, and I never really got the chance to think any differently. I finally announced to my Mother and Father that I was Agnostic, that I believed that there was SOMETHING out there, something that had to be the basis of what we all are and where we were from, but I didn't know what it was and I was thoroughly adamant in my position that the Christian "God" was not the answer. At least not for me. (Mind you that, as I said, I did not grow up in the ideal home, and my depression hurled me into the very real world at a very early age. I came to this realization early, maturely, and on my own.)
My mother cried and blamed my friends and the media, saying that I was just lost and confused. My father cursed and said that he would not have an Atheist as a son.
Truth be told, I had considered myself an Agnostic from about 13 and, as my father said, border-lined on Atheism for quite awhile, though I just never really was able to bring myself to believe in utterly NOTHING... But back on track... I came out that I was Agnostic etc etc. Fast-forward to about 17, and that's when my life turned down another path. Paganism.
I had always had an interest in what modern society calls the "occult". Mythology and ancient times fascinated, and still do fascinate me, beyond belief. Then I met someone, who I shall not go into detail on here since she has come and gone from my life, who formally introduced me to the pagan faith. I almost instantly felt a sort of, openness. A welcome embrace of something greater that I had been wishing for for so long, but unfortunately, that's about as far as it gets... "Coming out of the broom closet" as many call it, was an utterly disastrous mistake on my part considering the family I lived in, and ended up hurting me more than freeing me. My Mother looks at me like nothing has happened, and thoroughly believes that through the grace of God I will come back to the Christian faith. She is the passive one. My Father on the other hand tends to go on shouting sprees when religion is even remotely called into question, which often tends to spur from random conversations through no fault of my own. (And yes, he had anger problems that the entire family is aware of.)
And after all of that, I have my real question... One I need help with desperately, and any advice or counsel would mean the world to me...
..What do I do now..?
I am in my mid 18's now, and consider myself pagan... But I cannot, and have not, practiced my faith in any way shape or form because of the home I find myself tied to for the time being. I cannot go out and explore any gatherings, I cannot practice Yule, Samhain, or any sort of celebration that I so desire to be a part of... I cannot even practice on my own, and when I think on it, I don't even know how to! I have claimed to be a Pagan for well over a year now and... I don't even know how to be one! I meditate, I respect the Earth and all it bears for us, I pray to the God and Goddess when I need to comfort and guidance. I so often feel her presence near me, caressing me, when I just get away from it all in solitude, and his solemn gaze, reassuring and true.. But... where do I go? How do I give them thanks, even through the hardest times? I just.. I don't know how!..
I cannot set up a true alter, I cannot live the pure life I should be living in this home, in this life... I cannot be true and faithful like I so wish to be, because as of right now I'm nothing more than a lost cause with the label "pagan"...
Where do I pick up where I left off a year ago..? Are there any resources online or off that could help me set in stone what I really am?... I need guidance in my faith, desperately because right now I'm just a jumbled up mess, and through no amount of prayer or meditation can I find the path I need to follow the Goddess...
Again, thank you everyone...
I grew up in a very (and when I say very, I mean VERY) Christianized home. My parents, and I, always went to Sunday and Wednesday meetings. But that's not to say my life was in any way a breeze. I've struggled with depression all my life, from a very (there's that VERY again) young age, and I happened to live in a home where if you were under a certain age it was not physically possible to be depressed. Well, thankfully they figured out that was absolutely incorrect quick enough, or else I might not be here today... But ANYWAYS.. I have, since about the time I got "saved" at about 10 or 11, began to question exactly what it was I believed in. Why did I believe in it? Why did I pray to God every night and why did the speeches of the preacher never stay in my heart like I was taught they should? And it was about 15 that I finally realized that I was who I was because that's how I was RAISED to be. That's what I was taught to believe and what I was taught to never question or consider, and I never really got the chance to think any differently. I finally announced to my Mother and Father that I was Agnostic, that I believed that there was SOMETHING out there, something that had to be the basis of what we all are and where we were from, but I didn't know what it was and I was thoroughly adamant in my position that the Christian "God" was not the answer. At least not for me. (Mind you that, as I said, I did not grow up in the ideal home, and my depression hurled me into the very real world at a very early age. I came to this realization early, maturely, and on my own.)
My mother cried and blamed my friends and the media, saying that I was just lost and confused. My father cursed and said that he would not have an Atheist as a son.
Truth be told, I had considered myself an Agnostic from about 13 and, as my father said, border-lined on Atheism for quite awhile, though I just never really was able to bring myself to believe in utterly NOTHING... But back on track... I came out that I was Agnostic etc etc. Fast-forward to about 17, and that's when my life turned down another path. Paganism.
I had always had an interest in what modern society calls the "occult". Mythology and ancient times fascinated, and still do fascinate me, beyond belief. Then I met someone, who I shall not go into detail on here since she has come and gone from my life, who formally introduced me to the pagan faith. I almost instantly felt a sort of, openness. A welcome embrace of something greater that I had been wishing for for so long, but unfortunately, that's about as far as it gets... "Coming out of the broom closet" as many call it, was an utterly disastrous mistake on my part considering the family I lived in, and ended up hurting me more than freeing me. My Mother looks at me like nothing has happened, and thoroughly believes that through the grace of God I will come back to the Christian faith. She is the passive one. My Father on the other hand tends to go on shouting sprees when religion is even remotely called into question, which often tends to spur from random conversations through no fault of my own. (And yes, he had anger problems that the entire family is aware of.)
And after all of that, I have my real question... One I need help with desperately, and any advice or counsel would mean the world to me...
..What do I do now..?
I am in my mid 18's now, and consider myself pagan... But I cannot, and have not, practiced my faith in any way shape or form because of the home I find myself tied to for the time being. I cannot go out and explore any gatherings, I cannot practice Yule, Samhain, or any sort of celebration that I so desire to be a part of... I cannot even practice on my own, and when I think on it, I don't even know how to! I have claimed to be a Pagan for well over a year now and... I don't even know how to be one! I meditate, I respect the Earth and all it bears for us, I pray to the God and Goddess when I need to comfort and guidance. I so often feel her presence near me, caressing me, when I just get away from it all in solitude, and his solemn gaze, reassuring and true.. But... where do I go? How do I give them thanks, even through the hardest times? I just.. I don't know how!..
I cannot set up a true alter, I cannot live the pure life I should be living in this home, in this life... I cannot be true and faithful like I so wish to be, because as of right now I'm nothing more than a lost cause with the label "pagan"...
Where do I pick up where I left off a year ago..? Are there any resources online or off that could help me set in stone what I really am?... I need guidance in my faith, desperately because right now I'm just a jumbled up mess, and through no amount of prayer or meditation can I find the path I need to follow the Goddess...
Again, thank you everyone...
Comment