Have I never been alone?
For this post, I will have the most relevant information in Bold. Sections not in Bold will be additional context that is not immediately necessary for the question, but may provide some background on the question.
At the end of Summer 2001, I found a collection of stories on the internet titled "Lost Books of the Bible." Never hearing or knowing anything (Apocrypha), I found myself curious and then completely drawn in. For the remaining year, I found myself diving head first into Gnosticism and finding solace in my soul. Everything began to make sense to me; perhaps it was the mystery behind it, or perhaps it had an air of magic to the stagnant feel of Christianity. In my youth I was always drawn to religion, and in my teens I attempted to be interested in Wicca for my friends. But neither stuck until this.
A year later though, I found my faith venturing forth into the unknown and around that time I had found Isis. It wasn't just a connection that "clicked," but a full blown committal. I could only think of her and I constantly felt her near me. I developed a neat little "trick" of sending my "wishes" out into the world and they returned. I attempted one night years later to scrye, and instead saw (for a brief moment) her face. I was her child, she was my mother, and I would dedicate for her. I asked for signs, and I got them. She is real.
But my faith in anything has never been a rock, but an ocean. It may be still for periods, but something will stir and the waves will flow and I am on to something else. My faith in something so sure had waned and in a moment of physical pain I prayed to "any God that is out there" to ease my pain and reveal themselves to me in a dream. I did find peace and I had a dream of Jesus (oddly wearing all brown). Instantly, I came around to Christianity. After looking for a church or organization that I agreed with, I found the Episcopal Church and soon I was confirmed. I had sights to be a Priest and dedicated my time to the church.
I developed a connection to Mary through this time though. The former signs I received from Isis came for Mary now. I moved to a street right next to "St. Mary Road;" as I pondered while driving I passed a truck that was "Mary Delivery;" I met a very important lady named "Mary" who came into my life for a moment while those two were reflected on, and disappeared just as quickly. Although a patron saint isn't emphasized in the Anglican tradition, Mary was my saint.
But tragedy struck three times within one week, each dealing a huge blow in my faith again. I questioned the answers the Church provided for my questions and found they weren't satisfactory. I stopped going to church and found they were more concerned with the activities I did for them than how I was doing. I was given emails asking if I would be the Lector, and a message line "Hope you're well" delivered more as a post script than a main message. No visits. No calls. With the pain, and the apparent lack of care, I left the church.
I began to answer the questions I had myself, and have developed more of a "eclectic pagan" path for now. But while lurking on this board, I thought of Isis again. And out of nowhere, I thought of the "Black Madonna." And then of Isis with Horus on her lap. And things clicked and I had to ask: "Was Isis with me the whole time?" Was she a good mother that perhaps knew I would not be a Christian but allowed me to run in rebellion, knowing I would come back? Did she feign Mary to let me know I was not alone, but remaining herself? Could the dream I had, thinking it was Jesus (no words were exchanged) really Horus, or some other divinity, in foreign garb? He was wearing a brown robe - not an image I ever connected to Jesus, who usually wore White, Red or Purple.
I still receive answered prayers; my husband, even when Christian, said my "prayers are my magic." He is convinced of them, as am I. For fun I even prayed for rain to "test" it and, sure enough, it rained during this last summer, when the area was begging for rain. I was told it was a deep connection with the "Holy Spirit," but it hasn't stopped. My spine tingles from the base to the top, it goes out to the universe, and it comes back as I asked. It happened before being a Christian, it happened while a Christian, and it happens now. It has always been with me.
Has Isis been with me the whole time, and have I never been alone?
At the end of Summer 2001, I found a collection of stories on the internet titled "Lost Books of the Bible." Never hearing or knowing anything (Apocrypha), I found myself curious and then completely drawn in. For the remaining year, I found myself diving head first into Gnosticism and finding solace in my soul. Everything began to make sense to me; perhaps it was the mystery behind it, or perhaps it had an air of magic to the stagnant feel of Christianity. In my youth I was always drawn to religion, and in my teens I attempted to be interested in Wicca for my friends. But neither stuck until this.
A year later though, I found my faith venturing forth into the unknown and around that time I had found Isis. It wasn't just a connection that "clicked," but a full blown committal. I could only think of her and I constantly felt her near me. I developed a neat little "trick" of sending my "wishes" out into the world and they returned. I attempted one night years later to scrye, and instead saw (for a brief moment) her face. I was her child, she was my mother, and I would dedicate for her. I asked for signs, and I got them. She is real.
But my faith in anything has never been a rock, but an ocean. It may be still for periods, but something will stir and the waves will flow and I am on to something else. My faith in something so sure had waned and in a moment of physical pain I prayed to "any God that is out there" to ease my pain and reveal themselves to me in a dream. I did find peace and I had a dream of Jesus (oddly wearing all brown). Instantly, I came around to Christianity. After looking for a church or organization that I agreed with, I found the Episcopal Church and soon I was confirmed. I had sights to be a Priest and dedicated my time to the church.
I developed a connection to Mary through this time though. The former signs I received from Isis came for Mary now. I moved to a street right next to "St. Mary Road;" as I pondered while driving I passed a truck that was "Mary Delivery;" I met a very important lady named "Mary" who came into my life for a moment while those two were reflected on, and disappeared just as quickly. Although a patron saint isn't emphasized in the Anglican tradition, Mary was my saint.
But tragedy struck three times within one week, each dealing a huge blow in my faith again. I questioned the answers the Church provided for my questions and found they weren't satisfactory. I stopped going to church and found they were more concerned with the activities I did for them than how I was doing. I was given emails asking if I would be the Lector, and a message line "Hope you're well" delivered more as a post script than a main message. No visits. No calls. With the pain, and the apparent lack of care, I left the church.
I began to answer the questions I had myself, and have developed more of a "eclectic pagan" path for now. But while lurking on this board, I thought of Isis again. And out of nowhere, I thought of the "Black Madonna." And then of Isis with Horus on her lap. And things clicked and I had to ask: "Was Isis with me the whole time?" Was she a good mother that perhaps knew I would not be a Christian but allowed me to run in rebellion, knowing I would come back? Did she feign Mary to let me know I was not alone, but remaining herself? Could the dream I had, thinking it was Jesus (no words were exchanged) really Horus, or some other divinity, in foreign garb? He was wearing a brown robe - not an image I ever connected to Jesus, who usually wore White, Red or Purple.
I still receive answered prayers; my husband, even when Christian, said my "prayers are my magic." He is convinced of them, as am I. For fun I even prayed for rain to "test" it and, sure enough, it rained during this last summer, when the area was begging for rain. I was told it was a deep connection with the "Holy Spirit," but it hasn't stopped. My spine tingles from the base to the top, it goes out to the universe, and it comes back as I asked. It happened before being a Christian, it happened while a Christian, and it happens now. It has always been with me.
Has Isis been with me the whole time, and have I never been alone?
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