Hello everybody, I'm new here and this is my first post. Thought I'd jump right in with a biggie.
First off, I am 38, married 16 years, one child. In the past ten years the idea has been forming in me, that I might not want to keep myself only unto one man anymore. At first I felt really guilty and tried to suppress it, now I think I agree with a philosophy of having an enduring deep and meaningful connection with a life partner, while also accepting and enjoying fullfilling the yearnings one feels toward others. I have had pagan leanings in the past, and part of that for me includes freedom of heart, and gladly seeing who I will, within reason, and with sensibility and consideration to others. (I was not a two timer). I had three lovers and many flirtations when I was single. My husband is horrified by the idea of sharing me with anyone else, and I have not fully told him about my feelings, though he knows I'm attracted to celebrities and to other men, and just not doing anything about it. He knows something is upsetting me, but I'm not talking about it. How could I?! I am trying to ease into fuller understanding gradually. He knows I feel like I'm loosing my sex appeal, withering, I worry about aging, and that I get depressed, cry, and feel shut away from the world and very alone sometimes, but he doesn't understand why. He thinks he alone should be enough for me, like I am for him, yet at the same time he constantly feels like he's not good eough for me. And I feel like I'm dying inside.
We went three months without sex last fall, because it was getting so very unfullfilling and boring, the last time was icky and repellant to me. I got very upset and didn't want to do it any more. Sometimes I feel like a whore doing it with him, like he's not who I want to be doing it with, which confuses me because I love him, and we are very close friends. We have a deep bond. But the notion of having only him as my sexual partner for the rest of my life scares me. I have very intense attractions to other men when they come along, which get more and more tempting.
I have spiced up our marital love life lately which is helping, and I wait to see if it will be fullfilling enough to take my desires off men who are off limits. I still feel like I am too good a thing not to share myself with others though! And I fear leaving it too late, and spending the rest of my life regretting. Like my chances are slipping away. It's been ten years already that I've wanted this! Am I a hero or a looser for resisting?
So I thought I'd ask here amongst pagans, what do you think of monogamy, open marriage, and the nature of our human desires?
First off, I am 38, married 16 years, one child. In the past ten years the idea has been forming in me, that I might not want to keep myself only unto one man anymore. At first I felt really guilty and tried to suppress it, now I think I agree with a philosophy of having an enduring deep and meaningful connection with a life partner, while also accepting and enjoying fullfilling the yearnings one feels toward others. I have had pagan leanings in the past, and part of that for me includes freedom of heart, and gladly seeing who I will, within reason, and with sensibility and consideration to others. (I was not a two timer). I had three lovers and many flirtations when I was single. My husband is horrified by the idea of sharing me with anyone else, and I have not fully told him about my feelings, though he knows I'm attracted to celebrities and to other men, and just not doing anything about it. He knows something is upsetting me, but I'm not talking about it. How could I?! I am trying to ease into fuller understanding gradually. He knows I feel like I'm loosing my sex appeal, withering, I worry about aging, and that I get depressed, cry, and feel shut away from the world and very alone sometimes, but he doesn't understand why. He thinks he alone should be enough for me, like I am for him, yet at the same time he constantly feels like he's not good eough for me. And I feel like I'm dying inside.
We went three months without sex last fall, because it was getting so very unfullfilling and boring, the last time was icky and repellant to me. I got very upset and didn't want to do it any more. Sometimes I feel like a whore doing it with him, like he's not who I want to be doing it with, which confuses me because I love him, and we are very close friends. We have a deep bond. But the notion of having only him as my sexual partner for the rest of my life scares me. I have very intense attractions to other men when they come along, which get more and more tempting.
I have spiced up our marital love life lately which is helping, and I wait to see if it will be fullfilling enough to take my desires off men who are off limits. I still feel like I am too good a thing not to share myself with others though! And I fear leaving it too late, and spending the rest of my life regretting. Like my chances are slipping away. It's been ten years already that I've wanted this! Am I a hero or a looser for resisting?
So I thought I'd ask here amongst pagans, what do you think of monogamy, open marriage, and the nature of our human desires?
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