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    Need some external perspective

    I have this nasty habit of... thinking too much... often about nothing in particular. And it tends to leave me really drained and really unsure of myself, my surroundings, and my "reality." Yes, I'm a little special...

    And there's something that's really been bothering me for awhile now that I haven't been able to really find an answer for within. So I'm looking outward and asking for people's insight, advice, opinions, or just random thoughts on the matter that might give me a line to think on other than what I have been.

    I'll skip over the fun history of my life and simply state that I have been through things that I didn't even know existed, loss I didn't even know was possible, and pain that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. It has changed me in profound ways, and I don't even regret those events occurring because they have made me into someone better as a whole and it has brought me things that I had never dreamed of having before.

    But that being said, there are also wounds that I probably will never be able to fully heal. I have accepted that, I have learned coping methods to it and I have identified what I can work on in the meantime. One of those pesky issues that I need to be able to conquer though is this general thought-process that ultimately leads me to think "what's the point?"

    I can say that what I've gone through have made me a better healer, which is has. But the people I heal often just go right back out there and act like jerks to others, despite what they've gone through themselves. I don't feel like I make the world any better for my presence in it, I don't feel like my efforts are even heard or realized most of the time, and I don't feel like even though I have gone through so much and have developed a profound sense of stubbornness to keep going through things until the other side that I will ever see a day where I have my own comfy home, my own family, and my own financial stability (which is a thought for a lot of people these days). And even if I am somehow helping people, it will all be nullified when I die or become too crazy to help anyone anyway. I won't ever make such an impact on the world that I'll drastically change anything permanently, and history suggests nothing ever really changes the human condition and the mistakes we are making now will keep on happening.

    Human nature, natural order, forgetting, controlling the masses, yadda yadda yadda. I could probably write a book, so I'll stop here.

    My main question: does anyone else ever feel this way? And how do you get over it?

    I think it also hinges a bit on my idea that I don't really have the correct kind of personality to really ever secure a stable and rewarded career in my lifetime, and it sounds illogical to me but I can't really argue the reality of the situation either.

    So yeah, any thoughts, ideas, personal experiences, advice, opinions, whatever are all greatly appreciated.


    And now I've totally made myself look like a crazy person to everybody... joy

    #2
    Re: Need some external perspective

    Little bitty disclaimer here that I forgot to add in.

    I'm not depressed, suicidal, cutting, nothing. I'm actually pretty well functioning and making plans for my future and all that fun stuff. The issue is mostly that I have a really hard time turning my brain to a lower register and getting out of "the big picture" mode.

    So... how do I turn my little brain off and stop being so weird...

    Comment


      #3
      Re: Need some external perspective

      I've been going through the same thing! I can get more on the apathetic side, honestly, but I keep myself up by realizing I know so little about this world/universe and any change that I make in the long run, unless I become famous, will only effect those around me and for only a short period of time. Another thing that helps is just ground yourself. Not the energetic visualizing energy going into the Earth, but really grounding yourself in physical reality. Walk around and engage your senses. Touch things, feel them in your hands, the ground beneath your feet. Things like that.

      Even if I cannot or do not make a positive lasting change, at least I did my best, and succeeded through trial and error, to change myself for the better. As long as I know that I am the one in control and I allow myself to fall so I can be a better person tomorrow and have more weapons and skills for the battles ahead, then I know I am a survivor and a warrior. I may get beaten down, bloody and want to annihilate myself in self-pity, but when I see life for what it really is- an amalgamation of choices and consequences- I am always better for it and no matter what the past was, present is or future might be, I am still me and happy.

      Comment


        #4
        Re: Need some external perspective

        I don't really have anything motivational to say. Do you have any hobbies? Something that can switch your mind from the "thinking about life" stuff to just concentrating on a particular task? Like painting, puzzles, crocheting, scrap-booking, singing or dancing... things like that? Walking, I wouldn't so much suggest if you're trying not to think. Walking has a tendency to turn on your "inner self." What it sounds like is that you need something to stimulate your mind and senses, like Psy suggested.

        Are you unhappy with the way you think? Why do you think you can't secure a stable and rewarding career? Maybe you just haven't found what truly makes you happy.
        �Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted. And experience is often the most valuable thing you have to offer.�
        ― Randy Pausch, The Last Lecture
        Sneak Attack
        Avatar picture by the wonderful and talented TJSGrimm.

        Comment


          #5
          Re: Need some external perspective

          Originally posted by Ljubezen View Post

          And now I've totally made myself look like a crazy person to everybody... joy
          First off, did you read my post titled visions? Hop on the crazy train, love, we're taking you for a ride.

          Moving on, yes.

          I feel this way quite often actually, and the way I cop with it is I write. But, not just to myself. I actually have a secret Tumblr where I post every little tiny thing that I write because it helps me think straight also it makes me feel better knowing that somewhere a person who needs to have another perspective on something can go and read.

          Also, it feels great to yell and complain and know that it isnt falling on deaf ears.

          But, feel free to message me anytime. I've begun the charming habit of checking this forum more frequently than facebook, so i will reply immidately. lol

          Good luck.

          Comment


            #6
            Re: Need some external perspective

            Originally posted by PsykhikosAnarchosNautikos View Post
            Another thing that helps is just ground yourself. Not the energetic visualizing energy going into the Earth, but really grounding yourself in physical reality. Walk around and engage your senses. Touch things, feel them in your hands, the ground beneath your feet. Things like that.
            I will definitely be giving this a shot. Thanks!

            - - - Updated - - -

            Originally posted by Juniper View Post
            I don't really have anything motivational to say. Do you have any hobbies? Something that can switch your mind from the "thinking about life" stuff to just concentrating on a particular task? Like painting, puzzles, crocheting, scrap-booking, singing or dancing... things like that? Walking, I wouldn't so much suggest if you're trying not to think. Walking has a tendency to turn on your "inner self." What it sounds like is that you need something to stimulate your mind and senses, like Psy suggested.

            Are you unhappy with the way you think? Why do you think you can't secure a stable and rewarding career? Maybe you just haven't found what truly makes you happy.
            I've been digging back into my drawing as of late, because it's the only thing that ever forces me to focus on one thing and only one thing. Hopefully it helps.

            The way I think is just... special... I've been told I have a genius brain without the necessary grounding, and I've been told I'm just a fickle crazy person. It's just easier to try and follow the patterns and force it to slow down (when that's possible- sometimes it isn't).

            As for the job front... I'm in something of a rock/hard place situation at the moment when it comes to finances. I have to be making a certain amount of money to appease immigration, or else my hubby gets deported. With my delusional mother (literally, delusional disorder) living in my basement against my wishes, I have to figure out something to do for housing. It's complicated, and the only real solution is to move out (because it's technically her house, but I was homesteading there for a year prior to her divorcing my dad and moving herself in without even telling us). My husband can't really work full time if our long-term plans for stability are to succeed (he's in college full time, working part time, volunteering 10 hours a week and blahdy blah). It's just hard right now.

            But what really kicks it is that I have an associates, a BA, a 3.9 GPA, and in the 3 years I've been in the US I haven't been able to find any job that isn't either low-rung retail or manual labor under temp contracts (which I am physically incapable of doing anymore since my shoulder started to rebel). Ideally, I'd go out and pick up internships and volunteering, but I can't afford to work for free right now. And with the way the economy is looking (yes, it's better, but it's different than the way I was told it would be)... I just can't safely say that I will ever be able to secure a full-time, benefits included, stable, safe, and financially sound career. I'm pretty stuck right now when it comes to my options in progressing my own career plans, just because of that financial requirement issue. Immigration wants us to be making 20k/year by ourselves, and that's very hard to do with only one full time earner who's stuck in retail.

            As for what makes me happy.. only one is likely to prove to be viable in a financially stable way. And that's if I can get into counseling somewhere down the road. I have the BA, but I don't have the experience or the graduate degree. I'm not even entirely sure I want to pursue higher education tbh, but even if I don't there are other options. I would also like to be a writer/artist, but I'm a ways off from that road (skill wise).

            - - - Updated - - -

            Originally posted by LadyDorothy View Post
            First off, did you read my post titled visions? Hop on the crazy train, love, we're taking you for a ride.

            Moving on, yes.

            I feel this way quite often actually, and the way I cop with it is I write. But, not just to myself. I actually have a secret Tumblr where I post every little tiny thing that I write because it helps me think straight also it makes me feel better knowing that somewhere a person who needs to have another perspective on something can go and read.

            Also, it feels great to yell and complain and know that it isnt falling on deaf ears.

            But, feel free to message me anytime. I've begun the charming habit of checking this forum more frequently than facebook, so i will reply immidately. lol

            Good luck.
            I check this forum more than facebook too, and thanks.

            yay, crazy trains!

            Comment


              #7
              Re: Need some external perspective

              Originally posted by Ljubezen View Post
              But that being said, there are also wounds that I probably will never be able to fully heal. I have accepted that, I have learned coping methods to it and I have identified what I can work on in the meantime. One of those pesky issues that I need to be able to conquer though is this general thought-process that ultimately leads me to think "what's the point?"

              I can say that what I've gone through have made me a better healer, which is has. But the people I heal often just go right back out there and act like jerks to others, despite what they've gone through themselves. I don't feel like I make the world any better for my presence in it, I don't feel like my efforts are even heard or realized most of the time, and I don't feel like even though I have gone through so much and have developed a profound sense of stubbornness to keep going through things until the other side that I will ever see a day where I have my own comfy home, my own family, and my own financial stability (which is a thought for a lot of people these days). And even if I am somehow helping people, it will all be nullified when I die or become too crazy to help anyone anyway. I won't ever make such an impact on the world that I'll drastically change anything permanently, and history suggests nothing ever really changes the human condition and the mistakes we are making now will keep on happening.
              That's all symptomatic of depression, anxiety, coming from an abusive background and PTSD. Having major depressive disorder, I can fully empathize with what you're going through.

              Have you sought any kind of counseling or therapy? Sometimes, for some people, it can help.
              The forum member formerly known as perzephone. Or Perze. I've shed a skin.

              Comment


                #8
                Re: Need some external perspective

                I don't know if this is at all helpful for anyone else. But for me, on a bad day I think everyone I know and everything I've done will be gone and forgotten a century from now. Yeah, a negative thought I suppose, but sometimes it's comforting to me in the sense that why get angry and upset, when in the LONG run, all the little things that loom large in the moment don't really matter. Not really. On a good day I just think any little positive connection I have with another sentient being (a smile, a meow) is an end in itself and even if everything ends and changes, every little moment is it's own eternity. That's a good day.

                Comment


                  #9
                  Re: Need some external perspective

                  Originally posted by perzephone View Post
                  That's all symptomatic of depression, anxiety, coming from an abusive background and PTSD. Having major depressive disorder, I can fully empathize with what you're going through.

                  Have you sought any kind of counseling or therapy? Sometimes, for some people, it can help.
                  PTSD was developed and diagnosed almost 8 years ago, that's not a new thing for me. Counseling didn't do me as much good as shadow work did, and most of the daily intrusive symptoms are gone. For the rest, I have valium. :P It just gets really hard to dig into it and to uproot some of the issues when you work 7 days a week and have to deal with privacy intrusions every hour you're not at work. Perspective gets skewy. But like I said, I'm far from depressed (I've been there before) and the answer now seems to be where does my noggin err from the tracks.

                  - - - Updated - - -

                  Originally posted by gwynwas View Post
                  I don't know if this is at all helpful for anyone else. But for me, on a bad day I think everyone I know and everything I've done will be gone and forgotten a century from now. Yeah, a negative thought I suppose, but sometimes it's comforting to me in the sense that why get angry and upset, when in the LONG run, all the little things that loom large in the moment don't really matter. Not really.
                  That's kind of a 2-sided blade there... but if I can shut my brain up for long enough... hrm hrm pondery thoughts. Thanks.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Re: Need some external perspective

                    So I figured I'd update a little, since I was in a dark place and currently all my friends are either half a world away or... generally not interested.

                    The job front is still pretty dire, I've tweaked my CV and started branching out my applications to include internships and volunteering. No calls yet, but I'm hoping.

                    I've been digging into some what what I call "shadows" - basically, the parts of my psyche that seem to be the cause of the unrest. Mostly it has to do with my crazy parentals and what they've been doing to us (my marriage) for the last 2 years. Some has to do with the fact that I've been spending virtually all of my waking hours either working, taking care of bills/college/whatever, or job hunting and... nothing else. So I'm forcing myself to spend more time on me and less time fretting about work.

                    Providing HR sorts out my payroll glitch and sends me the back-pay the owe me (I don't know how HR works, I hope they can't just deny me that pay outright or pull any other weird stunts), things should calm down.

                    So now.. just wish me luck that I get a phone call or two back from.. something... anything.

                    Thanks for the thoughts.

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Re: Need some external perspective

                      Hi,
                      Not to long ago I was feeling all those things, I was the "goto guy" when it came to emotional/spiritual help and I really was questioning if I was doing any long term good. I've got a great academic background and yet thanks to the various slings and arrows of mis-fortune I was feeling empty and spent.

                      In the end I had to "clean house" I moved to another area, and took time out to ground myself.
                      I sat under trees, I meditated, I re-connected with some old friends, I tried writing and drawing but frankly I suck
                      To be able to spend time just on ME was wonderful.

                      Eventually I recharged and met the love of my life, I then took another chance and re-started my career and am working in a wonderful clinic doing work that matters every day.

                      When it comes to making a difference to the world all it takes is one tiny grain of sand to cause an avalanche , no good deed is ever pointless.

                      Take some time to ground yourself, run around a wood like a child, frolic in the rain, it all helps

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