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    Advice needed

    This is a bit of a functioning confessional for me as well as a plea for advice and I would appreciate any that I could get. I hope this is the right forum for it. I'm sorry for the size of this post, what a monster.

    My 22nd birthday is next month and all of a sudden I'm very aware of a need to move on from the life that I've been living. My life and my decisions until this point have been a disappointment to me. There have been good parts, but there have been too many bad ones to make up for it. I grew up with a single mother who has spent my entire life living with very serious anxiety problems and not seeking help for them. We've both been catering to her anxiety for as far back as my memory goes and it's completely colored and curtailed my whole life. Every aspect of my life, from whether I'd be able to go to the corner store to get some milk or get through a work day without her calling me for comfort, whether I'd be able to check the mail without her coming with me. When I was younger and her anxiety was really bad, she would even dictate if I would be able to eat solid food when she wasn't around me.

    I'm still living with her, which is not a fact that I'm especially proud of. I wanted to move out when I was 18, but I didn't. I felt, and in fact I feel, so burdened with her that asking myself to make a strong effort for anything else seems impossible and I've been chronically tired since I was 12. I haven't been able to get rid of the burden so far. Her anxiety, though spoken about almost constantly between us, was something that I was never supposed to mention to anyone else, so I've never had the comfort of someone in my life really being able to listen to what I'm going through. Regardless of that when I start to think about my life, the blame that I place on my mother doesn't extend just to my mother but also to me, especially in the last few years. I have not been present in my life the way that I feel an adult should be. I am totally ashamed of that and I want to fix it.

    That brings me back to my 22nd birthday. Like I said before, it's made me especially aware of that fact that I need to start living my life, that I'm not a child now and I don't have to make decisions that are better for someone else than they are for me. It's a really difficult concept for me to get my head around. I can't remember the last time I made a decision and only considered myself. I'm not sure I know how to do it, actually. For my own sake though, I really need to. So badly. I'm considering going to college. I want to be around knowledge, I want to learn about things. I want to learn about everything. But I have some real reservations about college.

    First of all, I don't know if I could get in. I was unschooled, which was both good and bad for me. I didn't have nearly the amount of freedom that the average unschooled kid has (or any kid, for that matter), but it did allow me to study in areas that your average high school student wouldn't get to and it gave me a strong desire to learn just for the reward of learning. In fact, I haven't stopped studying at all for the past four years. Unschooling isn't nearly as uncommon as it used to be, so I'm not afraid that I'll be looked down on for it. I am afraid that they'll look down on me for not being good at math. Algebra and to some extend pre-algebra goes over my head. At least twice every year since I was 14 I've tried to advance my math skills. I've done the work in textbooks, read about math phobias and the philosophy of math, gone on khan academy to try and learn from videos...even asking other people to help me and getting their explanations, I just can't seem to understand it. I want to understand it. That's why I keep trying. I'm not afraid of numbers. I'm not afraid of being unsure. In fact in matters of learning I'm very comfortable being unsure. I'm even pretty good at logic work and enjoy books like The Lady and the Tiger. And yet I can't do algebra. Ironically, I can't find the logic in it. I can't see a college accepting me if I can't even do algebra, much less geometry, calculus, etc. I'd be interested in a college like the New College of Florida or Reed College which both seem excellent and exactly what I want, but with my problem with algebra I have no idea if I would be able to get in. Not to mention I'd probably have to take the SATs, which I didn't have to take as a "homeschooler" living in the state I was in. I would get a terrible score because of math. Give me language, literature, history, psychology, art, anything else and I can be exceptional. I'm can even above average in science, when there isn't math involved. Math is the only subject that I just can't grasp no matter how hard I try.

    For me going to college would be a real intellectual endeavour. I want to be challenged and have access to information that you can't find elsewhere. I would want to study something that I'm passionate about, so there's no guarantee for me that I would end up studying something that would lead to a career. Student debt is a huge problem in the US and I'm not sure if intellectual curiosity is a good enough reason to throw myself into that kind of debt. I'm not really bothered about careers right now. I actually already have my insurance agent's license in the state where I live, so if what I wanted was a career I would probably go in the same direction of taking a class, passing a few tests and getting that little piece of paper. I want more than that right now. I was thinking that if I did go to college it would be a good way to get myself out into the world and a thing that I would do just for me, just to make me happy. But debt scares me a lot. Maybe college is too big of a move for me now. I'm not sure.

    That's all, I guess. My worries. Thank you for reading them and thank you in advance for any replies.

    #2
    Re: Advice needed

    A lot of colleges won't refuse you simply because you're not a genius at math. You will likely have to take a form of aptitude test on the basics when you apply so they can see where you're at, and they will probably require you to take some general courses in the areas you're weak in so you can move upward from there. But there are teachers, other students, and tutors to help you with that while you're in a college anyway, so don't fret.

    When I first started college my understanding of math, chemistry, and physics was through the floor.. to the sub-basement.. I'm not even exaggerating. They still aren't great, but I didn't really need them past the general education requirements anyway.

    If you're worried about tuition costs, I would suggest looking into subsidized colleges. Colleges where the state pays for part of the tuition costs and you can take out loans, grants, and scholarships for the rest of it.

    Going to college for the sake of expanding your knowledge is not a bad thing, as long as you don't put yourself into $100k or more of debt just for the sake of going to a school.

    If money is a huge issue for you right now, you might be interested to know that there's a website that basically offers free courses on.. lots of stuff... and it's all online, but it is structured like an actual class. Homework assignments, lectures, etc... I don't have the link with me right now (it's on my other laptop, on the other side of the planet), but if you're interested I could post it when I get back to the US in a couple weeks.

    On another note, don't feel guilty about leaving home for the sake of building yourself up. In the end, it is your life and you really need to do what is both healthy for you and will give you a stable foundation to live the rest of your life. If your parental is that bad and she is not yet receiving any form of counseling for it, I would strongly recommend getting her some help (or encouraging her to seek help).

    Long story short: Go for it! Don't let your fears hold you back! But take a good look at what's available to you, what you really want, and what options you have so you can do it in a way that won't jeopardize your well-being on any level. Good luck, and have fun!

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      #3
      Re: Advice needed

      From the college aspect you might want to start out as a provisional student at a two year school. As a provisional student you typically do not have to take an SAT or ACT test to be accepted. Many times you also do not have to designate a major so are free to bounce around various subject matters. In most instances you can take as few as one or up to four or more classes a term. Potentially getting tuition assistance of some sort. The other thing is many two year and four year colleges or universities will allow you to be a provisional student then change status to a matriarched student with a designated course pathway. If nothing else many if not all four year colleges / universities will accept complete credit transfer from two year programs at the community college level. I will state though that both two and four year typically have placement tests for math, english and a few other subjects before you can take certain classes. If you do not pass you'll have to take an intro type course that usually counts as an elective credit but not a pathway designated credit. An advisor though would be the best person to speak to about programs and requirements but you'll want to get a catalog of the school's courses with write-ups, especially so if you'll be transferring to another program so they can evaluate and see how the credits will transfer.

      With regard to your mother and leaving the nest that is a more difficult thing to address. Oh importance i'd suppose is are you financially capable of leaving the nest and meeting all your needs? Figure that's food, rent, utilities, phone, trash & Water, insurance, gas & oil, Vehicle maintenance and operation and a hundred other things that you never even think about or are random occurrences. You'll also have to figure upon how needy or clingy your mom will be upon you as that will dramatically impact any choice you make. Lets face it a professor might be forgiving once but if it is frequent then it's not going to go over in their class or lecture period, an employer potentially even less unforgiving.
      I'm Only Responsible For What I Say Not For What Or How You Understand!

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        #4
        Re: Advice needed

        Ljubezen: Thank you! Your post made me feel a lot better. I would like that link very much. I do a lot of learning on my own and I'm always looking for more ways to do so. If you remember of course and don't feel bad if you don't. It sounds like you'll have a lot on your mind with a such a long trip. But I probably should have mentioned in the post that one of the reasons why I'm thinking of going to college is to have other people around me to learn with. I've been learning by myself for so many years that I'm feeling...I don't know, intellectually lonely? I'd kill to have a group of people to talk to about the things I'm interested in (in person) and it would mean to world to me to be around people who talk about things other than the more mundane aspects of life. I would be happy to sit down with five other people and read a biology textbook together, just to have that kind of discussion. Who knows, maybe that's what I need more than college. I just don't know where to find that. I have suggested in the past and more than once that my mother go to a therapist but she hasn't.

        monsno_leedra: Thank you also. A two year college isn't a bad idea. I've never looked at a two year college before, so it would really depend on the classes they offer. I'm going to be relocating soon (with my mother at first, but not for more than six months-I have a time date now) to an area with a cheaper cost of living but a close proximity to some nice cities, so maybe that'll be an option. I am aware of what kinds of bills need to be paid and on what kind of basis. As an only child to a single mom you get used to those kinds of conversations at a young age. I already have experience working and paying the bills by myself when my mother doesn't have a job, so I'm not uncomfortable with that. In addition the city that I'm moving to has public transportation and I don't drive, so there are actually some bills I won't have. No, if (if being the scary keyword) I can find a job I think I'll be ok financially. As far as my mom goes, I have to admit that I don't have that figured out yet.

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          #5
          Re: Advice needed

          I have the link in my favorites at home, not an issue.

          Comment


            #6
            Re: Advice needed

            Why don't you start small? Just take a remedial math course!

            The largest part of your fears is that it'll all be too much, but a taste of getting out there will give you an idea of what it'll be like. Take a remedial math course at a local university or tech school first. That will assist you in your issues with math--you may find you're better at it than you think--and it will also get you "out" a little bit. It will not put you into debt, and it will help you take steps for yourself in a positive way without throwing everything out right this minute.

            Also, you need to start taking small steps to be unavailable to your mother. I'm sorry, that sounds harsh on the outset, but you need to do it. Sometimes, she's going to have to wait to get her reassurance. She's an adult, and she's putting a terrible, unjust burden on you. That's something that you need to get engrained into your head... what she's doing is unethical... but you ARE enabling it. She's addicted to her anxiety and you are supporting that addiction by feeding into it by always being available.

            You have to treat her like an adult. You're her enabler, and that's something that you need to address and internalize. She can't have a real life, either, because she's too busy seeking your attention. If she gets less of that, she'll search for someone else's attention, or she'll pull her head out and start acting like an independent adult like she should be.

            And yes, I do blame your mother more than I blame you. She's wrong to do what she's doing. It's horrible, horrible behavior and it's childish. You can make any excuse that you want to, but she's ruining your life... and you're not stopping her. But she purposefully isolated you, which is what abusers DO. She's controlling, manipulative, obsessive, and abusive. What she has done to you IS abuse, and you DO need to gather your strength for the upcoming time when you'll break loose. It's going to be hard--she has done absolutely everything in her power to make it that way. She has set you up to be vulnerable to every sort of her manipulations, and you need to start realizing that and understanding that in the end, she may force you to pick between remaining under her total and complete control; or her leaving and never speaking to you again.

            She's your mother, and you love her, but don't be too sure that she won't cut you out entirely once you're no more use to her. She'll find some poor man, get married, and control him with the unvelveted iron fist she has clenched around you. He'll become 100% of her life the same way you've been forced to be, and she'll shut you out because she can't live without total control over the people in her life. Her "anxiety" is not about love, it's about control... and frankly, she's pretty far gone into her psychological malfunction.

            Comment


              #7
              Re: Advice needed

              Start at your community college. Talk to their admissions counselors. Most CC's have an entrance exam, and all you need is a GED...and sometimes there are even exceptions there. Take the exam, its a placement exam and will tell you and them where you need to start, particularly with math and English. They won't let you take a class that you aren't ready for, and if by some chance, you do better on the exam than you think you will, and aren't sure you are ready for it...start one class before that one. Chances are you will start in a pre-algebra or pre-pre-algebra type of class, and be fine. I know a number of people that waited for college or just weren't "good at math" growing up that found they were actually QUITE good at math as an adult--including my step-mother, who just got her CPA and MBA this past year after starting college as an adult about 10 years ago...sometimes a different setting (like an actual math class and a teacher trained and experienced in teaching math) can be helpful. And sometimes it can't--math just might have to be the one class you settle with barely passing. I sucked at algebra when I took it 15 years ago in college, barely squeaked by with a C. When I transferred schools, that grade pretty much disappeared, and other than statistics (which I somehow got an A in), I didn't need any other math classes...and I still graduated with a 3.2. Also, remedial classes (the stuff before algebra, or whatever their entry level class is) sometimes don't factor into your GPA (depends on the school). If you don't have a major that requires a lot of math classes, algebra might be the only math you have to take...once its over, its over. My degree is in biology--I had to take algebra, statistics, and biostatistics...but nearly every class I had had some math in it was was algebra-like. I suck at math (huge math phobia), but the algebra in biology makes sense because it directly applies to actual things, its not just some mathy idea some dead guy came up with, ya know?

              Also, I don't remember the FAFSA age, but once you are an independent student, you are eligible for more financial aid that you are as a dependent student (I think its 23).
              Wonderful Life: The Burgess Shale and the Nature of HistoryPagan Devotionals, because the wind and the rain is our Bible
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                #8
                Re: Advice needed

                SPheonix,

                I just want to say, that your post helped me a lot. Helped me realize some things, and I am glad you shared your insight.


                Pomona,

                I hope this all works out well for you. I don't have much knowledge on college to help you. All I can say is to just fallow your heart. You'll be much happier when you do.
                Kemetic Blog - http://www.inspiringrainbow.wordpress.com

                Bring your grains of Salt.

                Comment


                  #9
                  Re: Advice needed

                  Thank you Ljubezen!

                  SPhoenix: Thank you so much for your response. First of all, I love the idea of a taking a math course before I commit myself to anything larger. It would enable me to work full time while I do it and also let me see if being in a class atmosphere is really what I want. I honestly don't know if I'm ever going to get the hang of math, but a class like that is the one thing that I haven't tried yet, so maybe it'll work. As far as the stuff with my mother goes, you really hit the nail on the head. Especially the part about how she's set me up to be vulnerable to her manipulations. A lot of times I don't think of that, but when I do it's really apparent. If she wants me to do something for her or follow some rule and I refuse, she always makes it seem like her request is completely normal and I'm abnormal and more to the point, unreasonable for not going along with it. How do you disagree with someone when every time you disagree you're told you're being dramatic and unreasonable? I can't imagine that she's going to react well when I move out. I can set up boundaries, tell her not to call me more than a certain number of times throughout the week, but she has a built in threat that if she calls me and can't reach me she will call other people around me to reach me and if that doesn't work, she will call the cops. I don't know what to do about that. I almost hope that she refuses to talk to me, at least for a while. It would give me a nice break to just think about what I need.

                  Thank you thalassa, that's great advice. It really makes me feel better to know that other people have been to college while still not being great at algebra. This: "just some mathy idea some dead guy came up with" is exactly why I don't understand math. It's the fact that so much of it is abstract and not applied to anything real that throws me off so badly. It completely disconnects me from anything that makes sense to me.

                  Domiel: Thank you and the same to you!

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                    #10
                    Re: Advice needed

                    I think I'd mostly reiterate whats already been said... But I'd just like to add in that the longer you hold back from unfolding your own wings, the more it will be harder to separate from your mother. I'm so so so glad you're realizing this, and trying to get an education and get on your own . You'll feel a lot more free, and even though it can be intimidating at first, it will be very rewarding.

                    Mainly I'm just offering my support to you, I don't have any advice that hasn't already been given. Good luck!
                    hey look, I have a book! And look I have a second one too!

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                      #11
                      Re: Advice needed

                      Any community college will have all the same core classes that are needed to earn an AA (Associate in Arts) or AS (Associate in Sciences) as any four year college / university. What makes them so useful in my opinion is that many of them have more options for attendance than many four year programs. Classes aimed at the adult community with on-line classes, evening classes or lunch time classes that meet everyday for an hour or so vice the traditional times. A lot of them also hold short compacted classes during the summer when many four year schools are closed, some also offer winter break classes. Then figure in most four year programs will accept transfer credits / degree's from affiliated schools which feed into them.

                      A second option are challenge tests or CLEP's (College Level Examination Program). CLEP's are basically knowledge test of various single or group subjects one can take. Many colleges and universities will accept so many of them in transfer or as part of your academic pathway towards a degree. Some are 40 minute tests that cover a single subject while other's are two part for instance like English where it has a grammar section and an actual written paper portion which gives you two grades. Of course one would have to look at each college / university to see what grades you have to get and how many or which ones they accept. Some schools will actually tell you to take them and have them sent to a two year college then get your credits transferred to another school where they are taken as credits but not utilized as CLEP test numbers.

                      Challenge tests are used by some college's / universities to allow a student to challenge a course and if they pass then are given full credit for the course and do not need to take the formal 8 or 16 week class. The disadvantage of challenge tests though are you still have to pay the full class price whether you pass or fail so had better be well versed in the subject first. Some professor's will allow a student to challenge a requirement for a higher level class when said requirement is a prerequisite to taking that class. For example one might want to take a higher biology class but a basic biology type class is needed but the professor allows it as the person displays the base knowledge that would have been taught in the 100 level class.

                      As a warning though you do need to make sure it's not just a technical school or one of the schools that claim to be community colleges but are actually like the International Business School or such. Credits from those schools usually are not accepted at other colleges / universities.

                      The one thing that might hang you up is being home schooled with no equivalent high school level degree. You may have to take either a GED awarding course or perhaps enter as a provisional student which means you can only take 1 perhaps 2 classes at a time and must maintain a grade point average or 2.0 or 2.5 usually depending upon the school requirements. I have heard of a 3.0 (basically a B) as the cut off point while being provisional but that was not the norm.

                      Either way good luck

                      Edited to add

                      Something else you might consider is the non-traditional school options. Places like The University of Phoenix, The University of Illinois, Regents (renamed but can't think of the new name at the moment) and a few others will allow you to take alternate methods of gaining college credits and create a non traditional degree from that. Some of them even using GRE (Graduate Record Examinations) as a source for establishing you primary and or secondary subject requirements. These are big in that they also may award credits for life experiences and knowledge from work history. They have mixed reputations but still have to meet the same academic requirements and credentials as traditional schools and many do transfer into traditional upper level school programs such as a Masters or Doctorate program.
                      Last edited by monsno_leedra; 30 May 2013, 10:32.
                      I'm Only Responsible For What I Say Not For What Or How You Understand!

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Re: Advice needed

                        Thank you Malflick! Your support is appreciated.

                        monsno_leedra: Those are great ideas, thank you! I had actually forgotten about CLEP exams, although I have heard about them before. They may prove useful to me in the future.

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Re: Advice needed

                          Originally posted by Pomona View Post
                          Thank you Malflick! Your support is appreciated.

                          monsno_leedra: Those are great ideas, thank you! I had actually forgotten about CLEP exams, although I have heard about them before. They may prove useful to me in the future.
                          Another CLEP type testing you might consider is DANTES (DSSTS) I think they are available to everyone though most instances I am familiar with is through the military. They are treated like CLEP's in all the college / universities I dealt with. Like CLEP's they to have a cost per test but I do not remember what the cost was though I do remember they varied.
                          I'm Only Responsible For What I Say Not For What Or How You Understand!

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Re: Advice needed

                            Thank you! I just looked them up and it looks like civilians can take those tests and they give both upper and lower level credit while CLEP tests only give lower level credit. At least according to wikipedia. Maybe they'll be useful as well.

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Re: Advice needed

                              Originally posted by Pomona View Post
                              SPhoenix: Thank you so much for your response. First of all, I love the idea of a taking a math course before I commit myself to anything larger. It would enable me to work full time while I do it and also let me see if being in a class atmosphere is really what I want. I honestly don't know if I'm ever going to get the hang of math, but a class like that is the one thing that I haven't tried yet, so maybe it'll work. As far as the stuff with my mother goes, you really hit the nail on the head. Especially the part about how she's set me up to be vulnerable to her manipulations. A lot of times I don't think of that, but when I do it's really apparent. If she wants me to do something for her or follow some rule and I refuse, she always makes it seem like her request is completely normal and I'm abnormal and more to the point, unreasonable for not going along with it. How do you disagree with someone when every time you disagree you're told you're being dramatic and unreasonable? I can't imagine that she's going to react well when I move out. I can set up boundaries, tell her not to call me more than a certain number of times throughout the week, but she has a built in threat that if she calls me and can't reach me she will call other people around me to reach me and if that doesn't work, she will call the cops. I don't know what to do about that. I almost hope that she refuses to talk to me, at least for a while. It would give me a nice break to just think about what I need.
                              Here's what you do.

                              First, you tell your friends that they don't tell where you are, because it's not their business. If your mother calls them and asks, you are very sorry to put them into such a position, but they are to say that "It's not my business to tell anyone where she is" and then politely tell her to have a lovely day and hang up on her. If she calls back, state that "If you continue to call to ask me this, I will charge you with harassment." Tell them that you understand it sounds cruel, but you're dealing with a woman who is not entirely sane.

                              If the police DO come looking for you, saying your mother is in hystrionics, ask them to tell her that you are fine, and ask that they inform her of the law about abusing the 9-1-1 system. That she has been abusively controlling in the past and that she is using the system to try to control you.

                              Being honest can get you a lot of support, as surprising as that might sound. Telling your friends HOW to deal with it, and reminding them that they're doing you and themselves a favor, can get them out of the position of being your mother's manipulation tools.

                              Here's the problem. We're not taught "proper etiquette for dealing with insane people". So what you offer to your friends is that "proper etiquette" and an apology that your mother is nutters. You don't know coping mechanisms, you only know the threat.. if I don't obey and let my mother use me as she pleases, she will do something that I have no idea how to combat...

                              So that's how you combat it. Now you know.

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