This is a bit of a functioning confessional for me as well as a plea for advice and I would appreciate any that I could get. I hope this is the right forum for it. I'm sorry for the size of this post, what a monster.
My 22nd birthday is next month and all of a sudden I'm very aware of a need to move on from the life that I've been living. My life and my decisions until this point have been a disappointment to me. There have been good parts, but there have been too many bad ones to make up for it. I grew up with a single mother who has spent my entire life living with very serious anxiety problems and not seeking help for them. We've both been catering to her anxiety for as far back as my memory goes and it's completely colored and curtailed my whole life. Every aspect of my life, from whether I'd be able to go to the corner store to get some milk or get through a work day without her calling me for comfort, whether I'd be able to check the mail without her coming with me. When I was younger and her anxiety was really bad, she would even dictate if I would be able to eat solid food when she wasn't around me.
I'm still living with her, which is not a fact that I'm especially proud of. I wanted to move out when I was 18, but I didn't. I felt, and in fact I feel, so burdened with her that asking myself to make a strong effort for anything else seems impossible and I've been chronically tired since I was 12. I haven't been able to get rid of the burden so far. Her anxiety, though spoken about almost constantly between us, was something that I was never supposed to mention to anyone else, so I've never had the comfort of someone in my life really being able to listen to what I'm going through. Regardless of that when I start to think about my life, the blame that I place on my mother doesn't extend just to my mother but also to me, especially in the last few years. I have not been present in my life the way that I feel an adult should be. I am totally ashamed of that and I want to fix it.
That brings me back to my 22nd birthday. Like I said before, it's made me especially aware of that fact that I need to start living my life, that I'm not a child now and I don't have to make decisions that are better for someone else than they are for me. It's a really difficult concept for me to get my head around. I can't remember the last time I made a decision and only considered myself. I'm not sure I know how to do it, actually. For my own sake though, I really need to. So badly. I'm considering going to college. I want to be around knowledge, I want to learn about things. I want to learn about everything. But I have some real reservations about college.
First of all, I don't know if I could get in. I was unschooled, which was both good and bad for me. I didn't have nearly the amount of freedom that the average unschooled kid has (or any kid, for that matter), but it did allow me to study in areas that your average high school student wouldn't get to and it gave me a strong desire to learn just for the reward of learning. In fact, I haven't stopped studying at all for the past four years. Unschooling isn't nearly as uncommon as it used to be, so I'm not afraid that I'll be looked down on for it. I am afraid that they'll look down on me for not being good at math. Algebra and to some extend pre-algebra goes over my head. At least twice every year since I was 14 I've tried to advance my math skills. I've done the work in textbooks, read about math phobias and the philosophy of math, gone on khan academy to try and learn from videos...even asking other people to help me and getting their explanations, I just can't seem to understand it. I want to understand it. That's why I keep trying. I'm not afraid of numbers. I'm not afraid of being unsure. In fact in matters of learning I'm very comfortable being unsure. I'm even pretty good at logic work and enjoy books like The Lady and the Tiger. And yet I can't do algebra. Ironically, I can't find the logic in it. I can't see a college accepting me if I can't even do algebra, much less geometry, calculus, etc. I'd be interested in a college like the New College of Florida or Reed College which both seem excellent and exactly what I want, but with my problem with algebra I have no idea if I would be able to get in. Not to mention I'd probably have to take the SATs, which I didn't have to take as a "homeschooler" living in the state I was in. I would get a terrible score because of math. Give me language, literature, history, psychology, art, anything else and I can be exceptional. I'm can even above average in science, when there isn't math involved. Math is the only subject that I just can't grasp no matter how hard I try.
For me going to college would be a real intellectual endeavour. I want to be challenged and have access to information that you can't find elsewhere. I would want to study something that I'm passionate about, so there's no guarantee for me that I would end up studying something that would lead to a career. Student debt is a huge problem in the US and I'm not sure if intellectual curiosity is a good enough reason to throw myself into that kind of debt. I'm not really bothered about careers right now. I actually already have my insurance agent's license in the state where I live, so if what I wanted was a career I would probably go in the same direction of taking a class, passing a few tests and getting that little piece of paper. I want more than that right now. I was thinking that if I did go to college it would be a good way to get myself out into the world and a thing that I would do just for me, just to make me happy. But debt scares me a lot. Maybe college is too big of a move for me now. I'm not sure.
That's all, I guess. My worries. Thank you for reading them and thank you in advance for any replies.
My 22nd birthday is next month and all of a sudden I'm very aware of a need to move on from the life that I've been living. My life and my decisions until this point have been a disappointment to me. There have been good parts, but there have been too many bad ones to make up for it. I grew up with a single mother who has spent my entire life living with very serious anxiety problems and not seeking help for them. We've both been catering to her anxiety for as far back as my memory goes and it's completely colored and curtailed my whole life. Every aspect of my life, from whether I'd be able to go to the corner store to get some milk or get through a work day without her calling me for comfort, whether I'd be able to check the mail without her coming with me. When I was younger and her anxiety was really bad, she would even dictate if I would be able to eat solid food when she wasn't around me.
I'm still living with her, which is not a fact that I'm especially proud of. I wanted to move out when I was 18, but I didn't. I felt, and in fact I feel, so burdened with her that asking myself to make a strong effort for anything else seems impossible and I've been chronically tired since I was 12. I haven't been able to get rid of the burden so far. Her anxiety, though spoken about almost constantly between us, was something that I was never supposed to mention to anyone else, so I've never had the comfort of someone in my life really being able to listen to what I'm going through. Regardless of that when I start to think about my life, the blame that I place on my mother doesn't extend just to my mother but also to me, especially in the last few years. I have not been present in my life the way that I feel an adult should be. I am totally ashamed of that and I want to fix it.
That brings me back to my 22nd birthday. Like I said before, it's made me especially aware of that fact that I need to start living my life, that I'm not a child now and I don't have to make decisions that are better for someone else than they are for me. It's a really difficult concept for me to get my head around. I can't remember the last time I made a decision and only considered myself. I'm not sure I know how to do it, actually. For my own sake though, I really need to. So badly. I'm considering going to college. I want to be around knowledge, I want to learn about things. I want to learn about everything. But I have some real reservations about college.
First of all, I don't know if I could get in. I was unschooled, which was both good and bad for me. I didn't have nearly the amount of freedom that the average unschooled kid has (or any kid, for that matter), but it did allow me to study in areas that your average high school student wouldn't get to and it gave me a strong desire to learn just for the reward of learning. In fact, I haven't stopped studying at all for the past four years. Unschooling isn't nearly as uncommon as it used to be, so I'm not afraid that I'll be looked down on for it. I am afraid that they'll look down on me for not being good at math. Algebra and to some extend pre-algebra goes over my head. At least twice every year since I was 14 I've tried to advance my math skills. I've done the work in textbooks, read about math phobias and the philosophy of math, gone on khan academy to try and learn from videos...even asking other people to help me and getting their explanations, I just can't seem to understand it. I want to understand it. That's why I keep trying. I'm not afraid of numbers. I'm not afraid of being unsure. In fact in matters of learning I'm very comfortable being unsure. I'm even pretty good at logic work and enjoy books like The Lady and the Tiger. And yet I can't do algebra. Ironically, I can't find the logic in it. I can't see a college accepting me if I can't even do algebra, much less geometry, calculus, etc. I'd be interested in a college like the New College of Florida or Reed College which both seem excellent and exactly what I want, but with my problem with algebra I have no idea if I would be able to get in. Not to mention I'd probably have to take the SATs, which I didn't have to take as a "homeschooler" living in the state I was in. I would get a terrible score because of math. Give me language, literature, history, psychology, art, anything else and I can be exceptional. I'm can even above average in science, when there isn't math involved. Math is the only subject that I just can't grasp no matter how hard I try.
For me going to college would be a real intellectual endeavour. I want to be challenged and have access to information that you can't find elsewhere. I would want to study something that I'm passionate about, so there's no guarantee for me that I would end up studying something that would lead to a career. Student debt is a huge problem in the US and I'm not sure if intellectual curiosity is a good enough reason to throw myself into that kind of debt. I'm not really bothered about careers right now. I actually already have my insurance agent's license in the state where I live, so if what I wanted was a career I would probably go in the same direction of taking a class, passing a few tests and getting that little piece of paper. I want more than that right now. I was thinking that if I did go to college it would be a good way to get myself out into the world and a thing that I would do just for me, just to make me happy. But debt scares me a lot. Maybe college is too big of a move for me now. I'm not sure.
That's all, I guess. My worries. Thank you for reading them and thank you in advance for any replies.
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