Mother daughter relationships

[Medusa]

While talking to Monster in another thread, my lil buddy made a point about how mothers think their children are all little angels. Now I'm not going to make any sweeping generalizations about mother/daughter relationships. But I made a comment on how my mother called me out on my pre teen shenanigans (on more then one occasion). It seems this has been called my crappy childhood. Which, those of you who know me, well yeah my childhood was craptastically horrid. But that aside. Am I crazy here to think most mother/daughter relationships do not revolve around the 'my darling little angel' scenario? I'm almost dead certain none of our mothers were that kind to us. No, I don't mean 'mean' mothers. I mean mothers who, when faced with our shit, put us in our place, pronto.

My mother wasn't mean. But she taught me quite a few things about what was acceptable from me and what was not. Not once calling me her darling angel who could do no wrong. That was left for her son.

Which, by the way, I believe mothers are much more lenient with their sons then their daughters. I'm guessing this is seeing herself in her daughter. Wanting to keep her from all her mistakes. Make her be better then she is. Even if she does it in a scary ass way.

What say you women? How did your mother put you in your place, where you look back and thank god she did?

[Tylluan Penry]

Re: Mother daughter relationships

My mother put me in my place (wherever she thought that should be) constantly. She made it clear I was never wanted, that I had totally ruined her life in every way imaginable and once declared there could be no god (not that I think she ever believed in anything) because if there were he would never allow her to have a daughter like me.

My mother was a real psychopath - but don't get me started on that. She behaved inappropriately, was totally incapable of remorse, superficially charming and elegant, occasionally murderous... no... I'd think I'd better stop here or it will read like a checklist.

It took me many many years to work through this. I don't think I have ever thanked god or anyone else for her actions.

But... it made me determined never to repeat what I saw as her mistakes with my own children. I may not have been the best of mothers, I know I've made mistakes, but I've done my best.

And you see - having played with the big girls like her, I know not to be afraid of anything. Yes, people might kick me down. But I will sure as hell bite them in the ankles...

[Medusa]

Re: Mother daughter relationships

I remember being 14 and totally embarrassed by my mother. I sat at a restaurant and ate next to her and my God mother. She accidentally bumped my plate and my food touched each other (I can't have my food touch). I rolled my eyes and yelled 'MOTHER!'. She reached out. Knocked me on the head with her Mobia pearl ring. I fell off the chair on to the floor. I sat back up quietly. She said 'look, you've made me bend my ring!' and then went on eating. And I did too. As if nothing happened.

Years later I thanked my mother for not killing me in my sleep.
So two stories. No angels were we deemed.
Check.

[Hawkfeathers]

Re: Mother daughter relationships

This is another one I'll add to tomorrow. I could write volumes.

[DanieMarie]

Re: Mother daughter relationships

I don't think they revolve around those types of little angel relationships either. Most moms I know are fairly strict.

I have a great relationship with my mom. But, she'll call me out on BS any day. When I was a teen, she did it a lot. She even wrote me a very honest letter once that made me cry.

[Tylluan Penry]

Re: Mother daughter relationships

From my own experience I would say there is a big difference between loving your daughter and trying to make a relationship work despite my faults and hers, and loathing a daughter so much from the get go that you cannot bear to be near her.

[Maria de Luna]

Re: Mother daughter relationships

My mom wasn't mean or anything, but I know she was a little strict. Much of that was her parent's influence, since we lived with them for a long time.
After my mom left my father we lived with the grandparents, which was difficult because my grandfather was of the opinion that everything needed a beating to remedy. My mom was just more distant, she worked stupid shifts, so my brother and I were left in the house alone quite often, My grandparents had not yet retired and my grandfather traveled, and my grandmother worked overnight as well. My grandmother taught me baking and such, my mom was just not around until much later in our lives after she changed jobs and got remarried. Once that happened she became much more involved. Mostly as a disciplinarian, we didn't do alot, but I spent an inordinate ammount of time eigther being locked in my room for something or locked out of the house for something else... I would be locked in my room for failing to remember the times tables or some other thing, or to go over tests and write the correct answers for ones I got wrong thousands of times, which isn't so bad, it was much more pleasant than my grandfather, and I got to spend alot of time alone, which at the time, I really did not mind. I would get locked out of the house for other things, forgetting to do a chore or something similar would get me locked out for a day or two, which again was preferable to me at the time over having my ass beat... After I turned 17 my mom started drinking, which frankly, made her a much nicer and open person, I don't know why she waited so long to start doing that...
She says now that she was a horrible mother, which I don't think is really the case, she just had no idea how to be a mother by the time she got around to doing it. We have a good relationship now, but once upon a time there was just not alot of communication....

[thalassa]

Re: Mother daughter relationships

Am I crazy here to think most mother/daughter relationships do not revolve around the 'my darling little angel' scenario? I'm almost dead certain none of our mothers were that kind to us. No, I don't mean 'mean' mothers. I mean mothers who, when faced with our shit, put us in our place, pronto.

What say you women? How did your mother put you in your place, where you look back and thank god she did?

Darling little angels my ass! And this goes for both of my kids...

I'm not oblivious of their faults, nor do I have a problem in correcting their behavior.

Which, by the way, I believe mothers are much more lenient with their sons then their daughters. I'm guessing this is seeing herself in her daughter. Wanting to keep her from all her mistakes. Make her be better then she is. Even if she does it in a scary ass way.

'Eh...I was going to say I really disagree with this...but I am a bit more lenient with Sharkbait than I am with Chickadee. I think in my case its less to do with wanting to keep a daughter from the same mistakes as it is allowing for the age and personality differences between rambunctious goober with ADHD and a pretty astute saucy pot!

[Hawkfeathers]

Re: Mother daughter relationships

This is another one I'll add to tomorrow. I could write volumes.

Insofar as the "little angel" outlook, I'd say no. If there was some skirmish between myself and another child, my mother invariably took the other side unless I could prove myself innocent. I think her intent was not to "spoil" me. I wasn't a troublesome kid at all, I did as I was told. I spent my youth trying to please unpleaseable people, namely my parents, and then eventually grew into my backbone. As a kid, I didn't do wrong out of fear, basically.
She raised me to be independent, think for myself, never depend on a man.....but for all the wrong reasons, She wanted me that way so that I'd stay with her forever. Ummmmm I don't think so. LOL By age 12, I was counting down days till I'd go away to college. Six years of days is an awful lot for a 12 year old! All this,however, is what gave me my relentless determination, so I guess I'm glad of it all.

[Thothur]

Re: Mother daughter relationships

I think the point was no one thinks their children are little angels... until they're killed in someway, and then you only see the good aspect. Yes, little Medusa was such a lovely little girl, always so polite and charming? See this pic from when she was 10? Wasn't she just so sweet? What they fail to show you is the 17 year old pic, with 57 piercings in various and unmentionable places, sleeves of tattoos on both arms, an upside pentagram on the the lower back, and the one above the pubis bone that says 'Abandon hope all ye who enter here..." :P

That, I believe was the point. And no, Medusa, I'm not saying you are or have any of these things. I just think you're jumping the gun a wee bit and running with your emotions instead of considering what was actually stated.

[anunitu]

Re: Mother daughter relationships

I know this is about Mother/daughter relationships,but here is something from the Mother/son relationship corner. In many ways I could feel a lot of resentment towards my Mother,BUT there is my belief that She was from another generation and her beliefs and actions reflected that generation. My younger sister is still seeing a shrink about my Mother,I on the other hand have let these things go,because my life is NOT controlled by my now dead Mother,but by my decisions that I take full responsibility for. I am my own person,and can not blame my mother for any bad decisions I have made in my life. My Sister really needs to let go of the past and get on with living her life free from the ghost of my Mother.

[Poshi]

Re: Mother daughter relationships

My mom and I have a really good relationship, but she isn't afraid to call me on my bad attitude. I think moms know a lot more about their kids than they let on. Being a loving mother could possibly be seen as treating your kids like little angels to someone who thinks they should be raised with more discipline.

[RainbowDemonic]

Re: Mother daughter relationships

Anyway as for the topic at hand, I can't comment much. My mother wasn't a prime example of motherhood, shall we say. Wasn't good with kids, probably never should've had them. Should have stuck with her career, methinks! So I will bow out of the thread since I can't contribute much.

[Shahaku]

Re: Mother daughter relationships

Welll..... back on topic?

My mother was the strict sort. She was also the maniputlative, compulsive (liar, spender, gambler), type. I am still trying to sort out fact from fictions on all the things she told me about herself growing up, but I can't ask her because, despite it all, I still love my mother and I think it would either send her into a mental breakdown to confront all this, or lead to round upon round of denial... neither of which is fun.

She abandoned all but two of her five children... and one of the two she would have sent back to his dad if his dad hadn't said "hell no." The only reason she kept me around was because my dad stuck with her through all her crap. In fact, I've pieced together that ever since her first baby, she has used her children to keep men with her. As in, "hey, I'm pregnant, you can't leave you bastard." And I've even learned that between me and my closest brother (I'm the youngest) she'd had an abortion because the man had refused to stay with her.

So I struggle between wanting a good relationship with my mom and seeing that it's probably impossible as she's a b**ch. It's really screwed me over psychologically because I'm still trying to pick out what attributes she's passed on that I really need to overcome. I'm now getting the urge to move this to rant...so I should probably stop here.

[monsno_leedra]

Re: Mother daughter relationships

I can't speak in-regards to a mother - daughter relationship but I can speak as an observer of my grand-daughter and her mother. The fact my grand-daughter struggles for her mother's love and seeks it out even as her mother (ex daughter-in-law now) plays her. Even to the point of trying to sell her daughter for a few thousand dollars then claiming it was all a joke but those present didn't consider it as such. Even today she tries to get custody of the three grand-children but it seems only for two reasons, one because one gets a disability check and because she see's them like some doll. She desires and wants it when she can't have it but once she has it doesn't want to be bothered unless she wants to play with them.

As a mother she is corrupted and has spoiled all she touched. Now we as guardians for those children have fought court case after case as she keeps bringing up bogus charges and such. NO harm, damage or hurt she inflicts upon those children matter as long as she gets what she wants. Figure she moved away for a year then came back for a new round of court cases but couldn't find the time to visit her children because she was to tired. Has missed two visitations ordered by the court because she lied about where she was living and expects us to change things for her but ignores the tears and cries of her children when she doesn't show up.