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    Sister usings kids as a control device.

    My sister has two kids that pretty well everybody in the family loves. They are a lot of fun to be around and are really pleasant and well mannered. My sister knows this and uses it to her advantage, for instance. She will call us up in the middle of the day and asked to go get her a coffee, and do her groceries. I kind of laughed figuring it was a joke, it was not. So I refused and said she has to do those things herself as I have other things to do.

    Long story short, I'm not allowed to see her kids now for two weeks. Its like a punishment system, if family members don't serve her, she takes her kids away for periods of time until family members bend to her will.

    Worst part is, if I get all steamy and yell at her for it, she'll just keep her kids away for longer. She has painted the entire family into a corner and she holds all the cards and to be quite frank, she pisses me right off.

    Anybody have any ideas on ways to diffuse this situation? Or has anybody had similar problems?
    White and Red 'till I'm cold and dead.
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    In Days of yore,
    From Britain's shore
    Wolfe the dauntless hero came
    And planted firm Britannia's flag
    On Canada's fair domain.
    Here may it wave,
    Our boast, our pride
    And joined in love together,
    The thistle, shamrock, rose entwined,
    The Maple Leaf Forever.

    #2
    Re: Sister usings kids as a control device.

    Don't play her game. Sooner or later, those kids will grow up and begin to ask questions as to why they can't be around their relatives. The less the game works in favor of your sister, the less inclined she should be to use that tactic.

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      #3
      Re: Sister usings kids as a control device.

      I agree, if she wants to act like a child, then treat her like one!!!! everyone just need to put their foot down and say enough is enough! if she is old enough to have kids then she needs to do everything in hers and their lives herself....she will come back to you all after a few months with her tail between her legs wanting forgivness.......it is all about taking the control away from her and empowering yourselves just like you would a naughty child
      http://theheathenstudyclub.proboards.com/

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        #4
        Re: Sister usings kids as a control device.

        I'm not sure how old the kids are, but are they aware of what's going on? I know in my family, unfortunately, my parents use my siblings and I against each other, and against other members of the family all the time. There's a huge custody battle right now, so they are having pretty crappy attitudes and making sure the whole family knows it. If you can contact the kids directly, do that, and ask them what they want. If they say they want to see you guys, tell them to ask their mom. If she says no to them, then she becomes a bad guy in the eyes of her children. She won't want that. It may make her realize what damage she is doing to her relationships with people. Obviously, if the children are too young this isn't a possibility, in which case you just have to make sure they know when you next see them that you love them and it's not because you don't want to see them that they haven't seen you around.

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          #5
          Re: Sister usings kids as a control device.

          Originally posted by Poshi View Post
          I'm not sure how old the kids are, but are they aware of what's going on? I know in my family, unfortunately, my parents use my siblings and I against each other, and against other members of the family all the time. There's a huge custody battle right now, so they are having pretty crappy attitudes and making sure the whole family knows it. If you can contact the kids directly, do that, and ask them what they want. If they say they want to see you guys, tell them to ask their mom. If she says no to them, then she becomes a bad guy in the eyes of her children. She won't want that. It may make her realize what damage she is doing to her relationships with people. Obviously, if the children are too young this isn't a possibility, in which case you just have to make sure they know when you next see them that you love them and it's not because you don't want to see them that they haven't seen you around.
          I don't disagree with this, but if you choose this route be careful how you do it. If their mother finds out that you're going behind her back to her children, it could put the kids in a bad spot.

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            #6
            Re: Sister usings kids as a control device.

            Act like its not a big deal.

            Seriously, she does it because she knows she can hold it over your head. Stop letting her hold it over your head.

            Personally, I'd go one step further than blowing it off like its not important, and I'd turn it around on her being a shitty person. I'd tell her something like "Well, that's too bad. I was going to offer to take them for an afternoon (or whatever). But if you if you don't need the time to yourself, and you care more about (enter trivial thing that I don't have time for because I have a life) than your children and your family, I can't help you."
            Wonderful Life: The Burgess Shale and the Nature of HistoryPagan Devotionals, because the wind and the rain is our Bible
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              #7
              Re: Sister usings kids as a control device.

              Originally posted by Ljubezen View Post
              I don't disagree with this, but if you choose this route be careful how you do it. If their mother finds out that you're going behind her back to her children, it could put the kids in a bad spot.
              Oh I agree. Whatever you do be very open about things and don't, whatever you do, make it seem to her or to the kids like you are trying to undermine her power. Her kids should respect her. It isn't about that, it's about her realizing that the children want to see their family, and that her actions are hurting them as well as all of you. Open her eyes, and make sure the children feel very loved, but don't start a feud.

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                #8
                Re: Sister usings kids as a control device.

                Originally posted by Poshi View Post
                Oh I agree. Whatever you do be very open about things and don't, whatever you do, make it seem to her or to the kids like you are trying to undermine her power. Her kids should respect her. It isn't about that, it's about her realizing that the children want to see their family, and that her actions are hurting them as well as all of you. Open her eyes, and make sure the children feel very loved, but don't start a feud.
                Agreed.

                I really like Thalassa's idea too...

                Comment


                  #9
                  Re: Sister usings kids as a control device.

                  All good points up there^

                  If she's anything like the families I've know who do that, they generally don't hold out. Hopefully she's all talk. If not, listen to them ^^^
                  ThorSon's milkshake brings all the PF girls to the yard - Volcaniclastic

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                  Seen the desert and the birds
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                  Revolting with anger
                  While it smiled like it was cute
                  That everything was shit.

                  - J. Wylder

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                    #10
                    Re: Sister usings kids as a control device.

                    Looking at things from another point of view - does anyone like your sister for herself, Doc? Or has the focus on her as a family member changed to persona non grata since she had the kids?

                    Sometimes people start feeling taken for granted. Even if she doesn't vocalize, "Hey, I still exist, can someone pay attention to me instead of shoving me aside for my children?" that may be how she's feeling. Has anyone talked to her about why she uses her kids as bargaining chips?
                    The forum member formerly known as perzephone. Or Perze. I've shed a skin.

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                      #11
                      Re: Sister usings kids as a control device.

                      It's a familiar situation. Some years ago, when my parents leaved each other, my mum and I moved to my great-grandmother's house.
                      She was very kind on one hand, and very hysterical on the other. If a family member didn't fulfill her desires she started to yell on him / her and insult him by pronouncing the father's name. I didn't understand the point so i didn't work. My grandmother's manner was to be ashamed of her children and grandchildren. She used to ask me - "What will the people say about it?" like my deed isn't suitable to a high-status family.

                      You can explain her that nobody is her personal genie, and she can do things by herself.
                      "Fair means that everybody gets what they need. And the only way to get that is to make it happen yourself."



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                        #12
                        Re: Sister usings kids as a control device.

                        One more thing. Whatever you and your family choose to do I would recommend you do it as one whole entity because if one person uses on tactic and another one a second if she is playing a game it becomes even easier for her to play all sides against the middle. So start out by having a sort of family council sans sister where you decide what you want to do about this. Then have a second one where sis is invited. Ask her why she is doing this and that you won't tolerate it anymore, but if she has complaints about how the rest of the family is treating her you will see what you can do about it. Whether or not you want to present her with whatever tactic you have chosen I leave in your hands, but sometimes it can be a good thing to let her know how the rest of you will be acting from now on.
                        The reason I suggest a meeting without your sister first is that if she really as difficult as you describe then all of you knowing how you are going to act before you confront her will help everyone 'sticking to a plan' rather than the whole thing devolving into a bickering match.
                        Warning: The above post may contain traces of sarcasm.

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                          #13
                          Re: Sister usings kids as a control device.

                          Originally posted by Gleb View Post
                          You can explain her that nobody is her personal genie, and she can do things by herself.
                          Yeah, I'm not really sure saying that to her would make her snap into any realizations.

                          Anyways, I've told all the adults in my family that we are all not going to comply with her game. And if she does take the kids away, we will say something like "Aw, thats too bad, we'll see them then I guess." We are not going to satisfy her want for negative attention.

                          Also, she took the kids away from me, but she let my mom have them for a while yesterday so I just ran over and helped my mom out with them and got to see them anyways. So that is a decent loop hole.
                          White and Red 'till I'm cold and dead.
                          sigpic
                          In Days of yore,
                          From Britain's shore
                          Wolfe the dauntless hero came
                          And planted firm Britannia's flag
                          On Canada's fair domain.
                          Here may it wave,
                          Our boast, our pride
                          And joined in love together,
                          The thistle, shamrock, rose entwined,
                          The Maple Leaf Forever.

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Re: Sister usings kids as a control device.

                            Your sister has simply found a 'mental button' to push, so she gets whats she wants. This is a form of Controlling Behavior, that first of all she should be seeking psychological care for and 2 is something very easy for the "victims" to break out of. (i am not being offensive, i simply went to college for psychology and i mean well, it is not good for a person to live with a controlling behavior and it does not get better on its own!)...The only possible way for the people she is controlling to "break free" from this, is to not let her win...And for it to work it is important (for her as well) for the ENTIRE family to participate...Whenever she tries to control you (or anyone else) simply do not make a big deal out of it..."i cant see your kids...fine...whatever...tell them i said hi" end of conversation....she will try this with other family members if she realizes she cant do it with you...and she will find "the weakest link" that will give in to her demands.
                            do not under any circumstances start an argument over it, as this will only make things worse... plus there is no winning with her at this point...it is "her way or the highway"
                            i agree that yes it is a hard situation, especially since everyone likes the kids...and will miss them...what i do not like actually, is the fact that they will get older and rebel against not seeing their relatives....this will cause family issues between her and her children...and lots of issues for the then grown teenagers...it will be too much pressure for them and nothing they should have to go through....so i seriously think its a good idea if she talked to someone, a therapist, that can find out why she is doing this and "fix" it...before it gets ugly. usually controlling behaviors are very easy to get rid of if the patient wants it because its a learned behavior, not something you are born with.
                            i hope things get better for your family soon!!

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Re: Sister usings kids as a control device.

                              Originally posted by perzephone View Post
                              Looking at things from another point of view - does anyone like your sister for herself, Doc? Or has the focus on her as a family member changed to persona non grata since she had the kids?

                              Sometimes people start feeling taken for granted. Even if she doesn't vocalize, "Hey, I still exist, can someone pay attention to me instead of shoving me aside for my children?" that may be how she's feeling. Has anyone talked to her about why she uses her kids as bargaining chips?
                              She has a lot of issues going on in her head, so I personally avoid her. But my mom and sister are always more than happy to help her with the kids or be around her/give her advice. Nobody sees my brother anymore so I'm sure se does not really miss his presence, because its never really there. So I wouldn't say she goes without attention, but ever since she was young shes always been a negative person, she likes to point out flaws in people, she always did things to bother my mom, and has even hit my mom, she always thinks shes dying from different illnesses, which makes me believe she has hypochondria.

                              So I don't think all these things she does are her fault, it might actually be mental issues that she needs help with. Problem is telling her she needs help would only strike up a huge argument and a huge wedge in the family.


                              Originally posted by Lilium of the Valley View Post
                              Your sister has simply found a 'mental button' to push, so she gets whats she wants. This is a form of Controlling Behavior, that first of all she should be seeking psychological care for and 2 is something very easy for the "victims" to break out of. (i am not being offensive, i simply went to college for psychology and i mean well, it is not good for a person to live with a controlling behavior and it does not get better on its own!)...The only possible way for the people she is controlling to "break free" from this, is to not let her win...And for it to work it is important (for her as well) for the ENTIRE family to participate...Whenever she tries to control you (or anyone else) simply do not make a big deal out of it..."i cant see your kids...fine...whatever...tell them i said hi" end of conversation....she will try this with other family members if she realizes she cant do it with you...and she will find "the weakest link" that will give in to her demands.
                              do not under any circumstances start an argument over it, as this will only make things worse... plus there is no winning with her at this point...it is "her way or the highway"
                              i agree that yes it is a hard situation, especially since everyone likes the kids...and will miss them...what i do not like actually, is the fact that they will get older and rebel against not seeing their relatives....this will cause family issues between her and her children...and lots of issues for the then grown teenagers...it will be too much pressure for them and nothing they should have to go through....so i seriously think its a good idea if she talked to someone, a therapist, that can find out why she is doing this and "fix" it...before it gets ugly. usually controlling behaviors are very easy to get rid of if the patient wants it because its a learned behavior, not something you are born with.
                              i hope things get better for your family soon!!
                              I appreciate the help, but she would never go along with seeing a therapist, or any family councils or anything. She would be very offended by both.
                              White and Red 'till I'm cold and dead.
                              sigpic
                              In Days of yore,
                              From Britain's shore
                              Wolfe the dauntless hero came
                              And planted firm Britannia's flag
                              On Canada's fair domain.
                              Here may it wave,
                              Our boast, our pride
                              And joined in love together,
                              The thistle, shamrock, rose entwined,
                              The Maple Leaf Forever.

                              Comment

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