a very hard to ask question

[Jaleen]

Merry meet.

I have been a follower of the pagan path since I was 13. The moment that the goddess walked into my life I knew that this was the path I was meant to take. I've never felt more loved, nor have I had a stronger sense of belonging then when knowing my Goddess is always with me. But a hard life and bad choices have led me slightly of my path. Most days I feel very empty inside. I sometimes feel abandoned and cast aside. And sometimes on really bad days I feel like I'm being punished. I read in a book a few years ago of a "Dark night"that people go through, in general no matter what religion one follows. the dark night of the soul and the dark night of the senses. Has anyone else heard of these dark nights, or understand what I'm feeling. and how do you recover from them. I want to have my face back again. I want to truly believe. I really wish to feel the embrace my Goddess once again. But honestly I don't even know where to start. Any advice is greatly appreciated!

Blessed be

[iflewoverthecuckoosnest]

Re: a very hard to ask question

Merry meet
I experienced a dark night of the soul not too long ago. It has finally passed, and I feel like I am a stronger, more evolved person for having faced and conquered some of my own demons during that period.
I don't know what your specific situation is, so it's hard to say much of anything too specific. Use the tools that are available to heal and grow. Therapy, meditation... whatever you find works for you. Hold in there, and I hope the sun comes back into your life soon.

[Jaleen]

Re: a very hard to ask question

Thanks so much for your reply. I would give more details if I could...I just don't know which details to give. And despite how I feel most days...I know She hasn't abandoned me...Shes just patiently waiting for me to come home. With Samhian coming up...I thought of doing a solitary healing ritual...as sort of a re-introduction, and to help start to heal myself.

[Satu]

Re: a very hard to ask question

The Dark Night of the Soul happens more than once for some, and so I've gone through it two or three times.

It's difficult to explain how I've gotten through them, because the Dark Night is different each time for each person. I mean, it's so particular to any one person that it's hard to explain.

Sometimes a Dark Night might not be a Dark Night at all, but instead depression. There are lots of quizzes on the web that will tell you if you have depression. If you get a high score on one of them, get professional help.

If you feel like something in your life is interfering with your ability to connect with Goddess, then find a way to work that thing out of your life. If that's not possible, minimize contact with it.

Keep up with some kind of spiritual practice. Drastically scale back if you need to, but always do something, even if that's only lighting a little incense and talking for awhile. Also, find some outlet for your feelings. Dance, sing, draw, write, sculpt, jog through the park--whatever helps.

Be patient and compassionate with yourself. There might be times when you're beating yourself up. If you catch yourself doing this, gently remind yourself that cruelty will not help.

Sometimes we go through Dark Nights because the gods are trying to tell us things and we're not listening. Then it becomes a sort of inner struggle. In that struggle, you're hit with a kind of "deafness" and static that blocks out the gods. When you get to where you can listen--really listen--, you'll start to sail through it.

You can learn a lot of wonderful things during your Dark Nights. One of the most wonderful things I've learned is that Bast is never really gone from me, because of what She taught me, and the gifts She gave me. She may not always be here with me, but something of Her lingers. Maybe you'll find that deep down inside you there's something of your Goddess, and if you hang onto that, it can become a point of strength or hope for you.

I think it helps to focus on learning as you progress through the Dark Night instead of the fact that you're in one. In some cases, learning is the prerequisite for finding daylight again.

[Jaleen]

Re: a very hard to ask question

Thanks so much for your reply satu! Even though I know a lot of people experience this dark night...it still feels like I'm alone. Its very helpful to hear from someone who's work through it.

[Gleb]

Re: a very hard to ask question

Don't worry, Jaleen. As I understand from your post, your bond with the Goddess is very strong. There is no way she will leave you. I mostly agree with Satu, -sometimes we just have to stop and listen to our Gods and Goddesses.

[monsno_leedra]

Re: a very hard to ask question

Just to add another perspective but at times the Dark Night of the Soul is also about ones practice and methodology not the God / god / goddess one worships. If the method or focus is wrong then the connection is all hosed up and potentially severed at times. SO you end up feeling your God / god / goddess is still present but they are not connecting to you for some reason.

[Tarn]

Re: a very hard to ask question

... But a hard life and bad choices have led me slightly off my path...

This a trivial point and borders on semantics but... May I suggest that you look at this a being part of your path and not being off your path? I understand what you mean. You are not heading in the direction that you were. Try to look at it as you took a turn in your path that is "hard going", but you are still on your path.

Most days I feel very empty inside. I sometimes feel abandoned and cast aside. And sometimes on really bad days I feel like I'm being punished.

This sounds like when a mother/father/parent figure leaves a child at school, or at "gandma's" for the first time. The child has only known having "mom" around them all the time. And now, "mom" is gone! Oh poop!

There are many reasons to feel this way. It may be as simple as your Goddess is not as present in your life as She has been lately; and you feel left alone because She is not as, shall we say, close as She has been.

Like a child who is learning to walk; She has carried you when walking was difficult for you, or She has held your hand as you struggle with your balance. Now, she is letting you walk on your own... and you feel abandoned. In reality, She is still there. She will still pick you up should you fall flat on your face (which, from what you say may have happened). Just remember: when you finally learn how to walk on your own, She will be there with a proud smile on her face as Her "little girl" grows.

Or it may be that, like a child who got into the super glue, and now has the fingers of both hands AND the tube, glued to her face... She is standing in font of you, Her arms crossed, and a rather disapproving scowl on Her face, saying something like: "You know better than that!".

Not much help, am I? Not with all these "maybes".

Fortunately, it really doesn't matter "why" you are having a dark night (it does, but not for the point I'm trying to make), what matters is that She is still with you. She is watching, and you are in her interest. Whatever the reason, I am confident that it is for your betterment. You may not feel like it right now, but if She loves you, it is for your betterment.

I would suggest that you call Her and ask Her to "guide" you. This doesn't necessarily mean that She guide you out of this situation. It means that She will point you in the right direction; She will let you know that you ARE pointed in the right direction; that you need to learn how to walk without holding onto Her hand; that you did something wrong and this is the result; etc. Just be ready to accept the guidance that you receive.

I didn't give you any firm answers... because I have none to give you. I simply don't know. I hope that I gave you some different ways to look at it; and that one of those ways will help you see your answer.

[Daughter of Toothless]

Re: a very hard to ask question

I was in that same situation a few weeks ago. I felt like my God was thousands of miles away from me although I knew He was right there. I was miserable. I didn't have that child-like faith in Him like I did when He became my main deity back in March. Then one night, I decided to tell Jasmine, who is also a devotee to my God, of what I was feeling. It was like a confession. She told me I still had that child-like faith because I knew He would always be there for me. Later that night, I decided to read some Narnia fanfics (I really love that series. :XP: ) and I read this awful story about Aslan telling Lucy that she can't do anything without him. And I was just taken aback at that. Who would tell their own children that they can't do anything without them? That was just cruel! As I thought that, my God smiled at me as He knew I learned something from my dark night. Since that night, I feel like that child-like faith came back to me.

The point is, hang in there, okay? You and your Goddess sound like you have a strong bond. My God never left me during these darkest hours and I'm pretty sure your Goddess won't leave you either.