Well, here I am. I feel so isolated from anyone of any sort of Pagan belief that I've been lead to these forums; and hopefully, I'll find a comfortable place here to talk about things for a very, very long time.
If you can keep reading, I would really appreciate it; I'll try to make this brief.
Allright, I'll spare you the details of my story and give you what I feel are the most important points of it. Excuse me if this sounds familiar; born and raised christian- very devout christian family. I always had my doubts and even as a child felt sort of outcast in church. It never interested me much and a lot of the questions I posed even in sunday school never got answered. As I grew up, I changed quite a bit. I started listening to metal; Amon Amarth, things like that, and don't bash me for this one but Cradle of Filth was my favorite band for a long time in middleschool/highschool. I guess this is an important point because the words to many songs captivated me, Gods and demons and mythological beings and strange places. Hymns of a sort. My mind was first drawn away from the dusty stories in those thin pages bound in leather on my bookshelf that I'd had drilled into me for years.
Now! Further down the line. At sixteen my friend 'committed' to Satan. She didn't 'sell her soul' or anything but rather wrote up some sort of devotional letter, signed her name in blood and burned it in a ritual and I was MORTIFIED. I begged her not to, actually. I was still Christian no matter how doubtful. But then, slowly, I started reading further into it. In particular, a website where she got this entire idea, which some of you may know what I'm talking about but I'll be polite and not name it :: . It all made so much sense to me! It clicked! When I was a child I would go under my blankets, close my eyes and pretend I was traveling in my mind until I fell asleep- astral projecting! I would sit with my hands pretending I had some energy passing in between them, mimicking cartoons of course but I thought I could feel it for sure and this told me that yes, I was feeling it and this is one of the most basic beginner practices for energy work/magic. My sympathy for Satan even as a Christian was answered; he was actually a GOOD god, Enki, and all of his demons were various other Gods, And they had been demonized by those wishing for power long ago, and we were told magic, meditation, any sort of spiritual transcendence, was evil. I always wondered, if Satan is supposed to be the great deceiver, why are so many people Christian/Catholic?
Anyway... I was stunned by this new religion, committed myself, and practiced secretly for awhile. I had many close calls. My incense set off a smoke alarm and my parents almost found my whole altar set up. My mom opened my diary just 'out of curiosity' and found instead the diary I asked her to buy me was a black book. That was bad. My life started going really well though and I felt this energy interlaced throughout it that wasn't there before, I felt fulfilled and answered and learned a great many things in a short amount of time. I had all the things I wanted. It was perfect.
However, for whatever reason, my devotion/high on this tapered out over time. One thing is, I started feeling very afraid and paranoid all of the time. I don't know why. During rituals, I didn't find comfort; I was extremely scared!So, I just sort of stopped practicing. We lost our house and my previously dreamy teen relationship turned abusive and I got in a bit of trouble and had to be homeschooled and my mother started drinking again and wow, things went from pristine to shit. I don't attribute any of this to my new-found religion, but I do think it all distracted me from it a bit.
Furthermore, at 17/18 I did mushrooms for the first time and, wow. I feel like these played a HUGE role in dealing the final blows to any of my religious beliefs. I felt certain that no small minded religion could describe what was really at work in the universe.
And I had so many questions now! I read a very well done, thorough debunking of the entire website that sparked my beliefs.
I can say now I do believe in astral projection, the benefits of meditation, magic. Those things for certain. I THINK I believe in some sort of higher power but what, I'm not sure. I will say the idea that all of the gods over countless cultures and religions are the same beings, just with different names and attributes depending on how the culture perceived/perceives him/her, made and still makes the most sense to me and I suppose in some ways this makes Satanism a good choice, because in modern times a bit more of a modernized religion that still carries in it some important old traditions is important. But I'm not sure if anything is there at all. Maybe my senses have been dulled due to lack of meditation- oh, you know what? Just now, I realized, when I started smoking pot a lot in high school, around 16, I started feeling less spiritual! Strange. I'm not a 'druggie'- i did smoke, and I did try shrooms a few times, but I justified them as natural. I stopped smoking a year ago, so let's not debate drugs in any context EXCEPT their effect on you in relation to your spirit.
So here I am now, I have this gaping hole like so many humans that I want to fill with some kind of spiritual belief. I respect all religious beliefs but I know that Chistianity/Judaism/Islam aren't for me. I love aspects of Hinduism and Buddhism though I feel Buddhism is more philosophy than religion. And of course, I love Paganism Despite my great confusion, and the loneliness that comes with it. I believe all old pagan religions have some truth to them. I suppose I've posed a lot of questions here and many of which I'll have to answer myself; but, please tell me, what is your viewpoint as a Pagan- do you believe all Pagan beliefs have some truth? Also, what do you worship/follow? I have no idea what people do- do you believe in Greek Gods, Roman, Egyptian, Norse? What sort of tradition do you follow? And if you are feeling open enough; what is your story? What great experiences have you had spiritually? And do you belief there is a distinct difference between gods in different traditions?
I hope this all makes sense. Sorry for droning on but I would SO appreciate any and all answers and will read your story no matter how lengthy. Thank you so much.
seafoam
If you can keep reading, I would really appreciate it; I'll try to make this brief.
Allright, I'll spare you the details of my story and give you what I feel are the most important points of it. Excuse me if this sounds familiar; born and raised christian- very devout christian family. I always had my doubts and even as a child felt sort of outcast in church. It never interested me much and a lot of the questions I posed even in sunday school never got answered. As I grew up, I changed quite a bit. I started listening to metal; Amon Amarth, things like that, and don't bash me for this one but Cradle of Filth was my favorite band for a long time in middleschool/highschool. I guess this is an important point because the words to many songs captivated me, Gods and demons and mythological beings and strange places. Hymns of a sort. My mind was first drawn away from the dusty stories in those thin pages bound in leather on my bookshelf that I'd had drilled into me for years.
Now! Further down the line. At sixteen my friend 'committed' to Satan. She didn't 'sell her soul' or anything but rather wrote up some sort of devotional letter, signed her name in blood and burned it in a ritual and I was MORTIFIED. I begged her not to, actually. I was still Christian no matter how doubtful. But then, slowly, I started reading further into it. In particular, a website where she got this entire idea, which some of you may know what I'm talking about but I'll be polite and not name it :: . It all made so much sense to me! It clicked! When I was a child I would go under my blankets, close my eyes and pretend I was traveling in my mind until I fell asleep- astral projecting! I would sit with my hands pretending I had some energy passing in between them, mimicking cartoons of course but I thought I could feel it for sure and this told me that yes, I was feeling it and this is one of the most basic beginner practices for energy work/magic. My sympathy for Satan even as a Christian was answered; he was actually a GOOD god, Enki, and all of his demons were various other Gods, And they had been demonized by those wishing for power long ago, and we were told magic, meditation, any sort of spiritual transcendence, was evil. I always wondered, if Satan is supposed to be the great deceiver, why are so many people Christian/Catholic?
Anyway... I was stunned by this new religion, committed myself, and practiced secretly for awhile. I had many close calls. My incense set off a smoke alarm and my parents almost found my whole altar set up. My mom opened my diary just 'out of curiosity' and found instead the diary I asked her to buy me was a black book. That was bad. My life started going really well though and I felt this energy interlaced throughout it that wasn't there before, I felt fulfilled and answered and learned a great many things in a short amount of time. I had all the things I wanted. It was perfect.
However, for whatever reason, my devotion/high on this tapered out over time. One thing is, I started feeling very afraid and paranoid all of the time. I don't know why. During rituals, I didn't find comfort; I was extremely scared!So, I just sort of stopped practicing. We lost our house and my previously dreamy teen relationship turned abusive and I got in a bit of trouble and had to be homeschooled and my mother started drinking again and wow, things went from pristine to shit. I don't attribute any of this to my new-found religion, but I do think it all distracted me from it a bit.
Furthermore, at 17/18 I did mushrooms for the first time and, wow. I feel like these played a HUGE role in dealing the final blows to any of my religious beliefs. I felt certain that no small minded religion could describe what was really at work in the universe.
And I had so many questions now! I read a very well done, thorough debunking of the entire website that sparked my beliefs.
I can say now I do believe in astral projection, the benefits of meditation, magic. Those things for certain. I THINK I believe in some sort of higher power but what, I'm not sure. I will say the idea that all of the gods over countless cultures and religions are the same beings, just with different names and attributes depending on how the culture perceived/perceives him/her, made and still makes the most sense to me and I suppose in some ways this makes Satanism a good choice, because in modern times a bit more of a modernized religion that still carries in it some important old traditions is important. But I'm not sure if anything is there at all. Maybe my senses have been dulled due to lack of meditation- oh, you know what? Just now, I realized, when I started smoking pot a lot in high school, around 16, I started feeling less spiritual! Strange. I'm not a 'druggie'- i did smoke, and I did try shrooms a few times, but I justified them as natural. I stopped smoking a year ago, so let's not debate drugs in any context EXCEPT their effect on you in relation to your spirit.
So here I am now, I have this gaping hole like so many humans that I want to fill with some kind of spiritual belief. I respect all religious beliefs but I know that Chistianity/Judaism/Islam aren't for me. I love aspects of Hinduism and Buddhism though I feel Buddhism is more philosophy than religion. And of course, I love Paganism Despite my great confusion, and the loneliness that comes with it. I believe all old pagan religions have some truth to them. I suppose I've posed a lot of questions here and many of which I'll have to answer myself; but, please tell me, what is your viewpoint as a Pagan- do you believe all Pagan beliefs have some truth? Also, what do you worship/follow? I have no idea what people do- do you believe in Greek Gods, Roman, Egyptian, Norse? What sort of tradition do you follow? And if you are feeling open enough; what is your story? What great experiences have you had spiritually? And do you belief there is a distinct difference between gods in different traditions?
I hope this all makes sense. Sorry for droning on but I would SO appreciate any and all answers and will read your story no matter how lengthy. Thank you so much.
seafoam
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