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    #16
    Re: Feeling Ignored and Unimportant

    Originally posted by monsno_leedra View Post
    If the meds are affecting / effecting him the way they affected me it was like being a zombie. You see those you care about around you but its like a light switch has been cut off and you can't connect to them. In many ways its a terrible mind screw in that games or detached things make a sort of logical sense in that they are not real. It almost becomes a series of moves that you perform but they mean nothing to you, but you make them less you lose yourself completely to the coldness and empty space within.
    Everything is just so practical -- all about money. And I'm not trying to say that I don't accept that as a form of his love for me because I think, to him, it says "I care enough about you to make sure you're still around." But...fuck, I'm not a lamp! I don't want to be AROUND, I want to be a part of his life and I want him to be a part of my life and I feel like that's not happening. At the very least, just hang out with me a little.

    How did you get off of them?
    No one tells the wind which way to blow.

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      #17
      Re: Feeling Ignored and Unimportant

      Originally posted by Bjorn View Post
      Everything is just so practical -- all about money. And I'm not trying to say that I don't accept that as a form of his love for me because I think, to him, it says "I care enough about you to make sure you're still around." But...fuck, I'm not a lamp! I don't want to be AROUND, I want to be a part of his life and I want him to be a part of my life and I feel like that's not happening. At the very least, just hang out with me a little.

      How did you get off of them?
      I realized that I was watching things pass me by and could no longer stand it so simply stopped them. Once that was out of the way the wife and me sat down and had some deep talks about what was what and what we wanted our life to be like together.

      I will say money is one of the quickest ways to kill a relationship. What makes it so bad is that on one hand people claim they don't care but the things they say out of anger or frustration often contradict that. I watched my eldest son's marriage collapse as his ex-wife pulled that on him all the time. She wanted time with him then would ride his arse because he wasn't working enough or as much as she though he needed to.
      I'm Only Responsible For What I Say Not For What Or How You Understand!

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        #18
        Re: Feeling Ignored and Unimportant

        That was also my experience with this drug,I think now there must be some other way to deal with depression other than with medical drugs...
        MAGIC is MAGIC,black OR white or even blood RED

        all i ever wanted was a normal life and love.
        NO TERF EVER WE belong Too.
        don't stop the tears.let them flood your soul.




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        witchvox
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          #19
          Re: Feeling Ignored and Unimportant

          I would tell him (in a shorter version of your post) how you feel. Except remove the word NEVER. That's always a bad idea. Also the playing video games etc? Could be he's stressed to holy high hell about something. Men internalize and express very differently then women.
          Satan is my spirit animal

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            #20
            Re: Feeling Ignored and Unimportant

            I'm sorry you're going through this, and I wish I had some magical answer that would make it all better for you. But truth be told, there are too many factors and outliers that I (and everyone else on this forum or anyone who is not in that relationship) am not privy to.


            It could be partially a reaction to the medication. It could be he already had those behaviors ingrained before he started that particular drug and it has only enhanced the behaviors and made it harder to shift gears.

            It could be something going on at his job. I know in my past employment my days usually consisted of sleeping in as late as I could, going to work, coming home dead tired and cranky and disillusioned, making supper, taking care of bills, staring at the TV and letting my worries swirl around my head for a few hours, shower, sleep, repeat. Not healthy, but habitual and the worse my day was the harder it was to break that cycle. I know certain professions are known to create that downswing during the individual's off-duty life; it's a biological cycle and it's very hard to break if you aren't aware of it for what it is.

            The gaming obsession is something my husband does too, every day, from about the time he wakes up until 4am. It drives me up the wall at times, less now than it used to. Especially when I go to bed alone. But we've discussed it, I've had to extract promises and schedules out of him to bring it to a point where I am comfortable with his habits and his need for personal time. Gaming is how I used to decompress, so being able to understand it helps. We have made an arrangement where he has agreed to spend more time with me doing things (movies, dinners, whatever) and I have agreed to occasionally play with him on his video game (even though I don't like science fiction as a genre so playing swtor is awkward). Long story short: open, honest, non-judgmental communication is key and the ability to understand, compromise, and draw your limitations and make your needs known is crucial.

            I won't lie, sometimes it takes more than one attempt for me to get my husband to understand what I'm on about, but eventually it sinks in. :P I'm not a particularly strong verbal communicator if I don't have diagrams and overheads.

            There are a lot of things that could be going on either consciously or unconsciously in his life (even just his work life) that may be factoring into it. Just try to be patient and try to open those communication channels. Best advice I can give. It sounds like he cares so that should really help facilitate the process.

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              #21
              Re: Feeling Ignored and Unimportant

              Where does he work? First thought I had is that he sounds tired and burned out from work, I'm the same when I spend too much time doing a job which is tiring or boring, once I get home I usually need most of the night just to shut off the world and unwind with a book or a game or something that requires absolutely no conscious thought or effort, and then once I've done that (if at all) it's time to sleep and wake up for work the next day, rinse repeat ad nauseam. It really wears a man down after a while.



              but...dudes aren't mind readers!
              This, so much. Talk to the guy, he can't figure out how to address the problem if he doesn't know it exists. Chances are he probably doesn't consciously realize that you're not happy with the situation.

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                #22
                Re: Feeling Ignored and Unimportant

                Mr Penry and I have been manacled together (did I tell you about the ball and chain, a real one, that he bought me for my birthday one year?) for many years now and believe me, there are times we still really don't understand where the other is coming from.
                Games etc., are addictive, remember that. So they are claiming his time in a rather insidious way, too.

                With regard to the medication, well, if he's changing then you do have to give things time. But also you have to know what they're doing to him - or what he thinks they're doing to him. Sometimes they interfere with libido, or ability to have sex, and his apparent lack of interest might just be due to a fear of failure. That said, coming off them abruptly (or even at all) is not necessarily the way to go. But you need to know, and the only person who can tell you is himself. So ask. Probably several times but don't repeat yourself. Sometimes you have to rephrase questions because men - honestly - they don't seem to understand what their women are 'getting at'. (No offence, gentlemen, but there are those who appear to have landed from Pluto - and I'm sure you could equally say the same about some women too )

                The thing is that you're not happy, so you're going to have to find a way to moving closer together again. And that doesn't happen overnight. Did he reply to the text, afterwards? And if not, did he say why?

                I think short interruptions in his online time are probably a good way to start. Nothing too ambitious mind you - he's depressed and people often underestimate just what a devastating illness this is, and how much it can vary from one person to another.

                It isn't just the patient who suffers from depression, remember. Those who love them suffer too.

                Good luck and big cwtches (hugs)
                XX
                www.thewolfenhowlepress.com


                Phantom Turnips never die.... they just get stewed occasionally....

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                  #23
                  Re: Feeling Ignored and Unimportant

                  Originally posted by Tylluan Penry View Post
                  Mr Penry and I have been manacled together (did I tell you about the ball and chain, a real one, that he bought me for my birthday one year?) for many years now and believe me, there are times we still really don't understand where the other is coming from.
                  Games etc., are addictive, remember that. So they are claiming his time in a rather insidious way, too.

                  With regard to the medication, well, if he's changing then you do have to give things time. But also you have to know what they're doing to him - or what he thinks they're doing to him. Sometimes they interfere with libido, or ability to have sex, and his apparent lack of interest might just be due to a fear of failure. That said, coming off them abruptly (or even at all) is not necessarily the way to go. But you need to know, and the only person who can tell you is himself. So ask. Probably several times but don't repeat yourself. Sometimes you have to rephrase questions because men - honestly - they don't seem to understand what their women are 'getting at'. (No offence, gentlemen, but there are those who appear to have landed from Pluto - and I'm sure you could equally say the same about some women too )

                  The thing is that you're not happy, so you're going to have to find a way to moving closer together again. And that doesn't happen overnight. Did he reply to the text, afterwards? And if not, did he say why?

                  I think short interruptions in his online time are probably a good way to start. Nothing too ambitious mind you - he's depressed and people often underestimate just what a devastating illness this is, and how much it can vary from one person to another.

                  It isn't just the patient who suffers from depression, remember. Those who love them suffer too.

                  Good luck and big cwtches (hugs)
                  XX
                  He came home and immediately sought me out. He said he wanted to talk face-to-face rather than text it, which I understood and asked him simply to let me know that in text next time so I don't assume the worst. At first it was hard and I told him I was unhappy and wanted his heart instead of his money but that he doesn't let me in and I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who can't relate to me. I asked him what he thought a relationship was supposed to look like and then, after I thought he was telling me that he didn't want to be in one, I started to cry.

                  However, at the end of it, we were both crying and hugging. I know depression is a long road but I'm not afraid of his darkness -- I just want to help and I think last night he realized that I'm not just here because it's convenient. I'm here because I love him, genuinely love him, so if he's feeling weird just to let me know.

                  It's a slow process, but at least no one can ever say I didn't fight for love.
                  No one tells the wind which way to blow.

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                    #24
                    Re: Feeling Ignored and Unimportant

                    That's a beautiful thing. Relationships with people are hard, man, but these bits are why they are usually worth it.

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                      #25
                      Re: Feeling Ignored and Unimportant

                      Thank you so much to everyone who offered opinions and insight. Every single one of you helped.

                      Anyone with experiences first or second hand with depression, please let me know more. I need more education!
                      No one tells the wind which way to blow.

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                        #26
                        Re: Feeling Ignored and Unimportant

                        I have it. It causes me to either retreat or lash out at one of the people I'm involved with, I think he's afraid of lashing out.

                        Get him to communicate his feelings even if what he says makes you feel like shit. Vice versa. Just get him to keep talking.

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                          #27
                          Re: Feeling Ignored and Unimportant

                          Originally posted by Bjorn View Post
                          Thank you so much to everyone who offered opinions and insight. Every single one of you helped.

                          Anyone with experiences first or second hand with depression, please let me know more. I need more education!
                          The most important thing to remember as the partner of someone with depression is that it's not logical, it's not rational, and it's not personal.

                          My hubby is on no medication because it always made him feel like a zombie, as others in this thread have mentioned... he's never been on meds since I've physically been with him (we were a long distance, online relationship for three years first) so I don't have any experience with that side of it. His depression is also secondary to an anxiety disorder, so it's not quite the same as a someone who suffers just depression. But when he's depressed, that's what I try to tell myself. You can't talk them out of it. It's not personal.

                          The 'it's not personal' part is really hard when you have one who will talk to you... getting them to open up can be REALLY hard, and takes a long time, but it's really important that if you want that, you can keep the 'it's not personal' shield up. Because some of what they say feels personal... not specifically about YOU, but about how they feel they have no support or no one to talk to or that there's nothing in their life that makes them feel anything. That is NOT about you. That's the depression talking. It can be hard because you're sitting there thinking... 'I'M here, don't you feel anything for me? You have ME to talk to.' But that's not really the way it works. And you have to keep that in mind. And if you say any of those things in response, you'll likely make them clam up and retreat again. Because he doesn't WANT to hurt you. He doesn't WANT to make you feel like you don't make him happy. So keep that shield up and remember that it is NOT about you.

                          It's a delicate balance, and I am NOT saying 'do not tell him how it makes you feel'. I'm just saying pick the timing carefully. Do exactly what you've just done with him in this thread. But if you sit him down and say 'talk to me about how you feel' then try not to turn it around into how YOU feel unless he asks. Listen and support. Because if you've asked him to open up, you have to let him open up without fear of hurting you. Otherwise you're essentially punishing him for opening up and reinforcing all the times that he did that with people who didn't understand and get shot down for it.

                          Also... my hubby simply cannot motivate himself when he's depressed. He just cannot get himself up and do the things that he likes to do. He'll either just lay on the bed, or he'll sit at the computer and get deeper and deeper into the depression. Sometimes it's up to us, as the partner, to motivate them. To force them into their normal routine and to make them get up and go and do something. Taking charge and saying 'get up, we're going to the duck pond to not-feed the ducks' (I'm against feeding wildlife lol) and then don't take no for an answer. 'I don't care if you can't be bothered, we're doing it'. Then bring him his clothes and shoes and stand there until he puts them on. That works for mine, though it might not for some personalities.

                          It can be frustrating and heartbreaking. And sometimes you want to kill them or scream at them or tell them to man up and get over it. But you can't do that. It does take a special sort of person to stick it out with someone who has depression or anxiety... lots of people can't do it and end up leaving their partners. And remember that sometimes it means you wont get the support that YOU need from him. So if you are a person who needs external support, have yourself a back up system... like the people here.

                          It sounds like you love each other very much, and I really hope you can make it work. Every person is individual, and every combination of people is individual... so what works for me might not work for you or vice versa. But hopefully there's a nugget in there that helps.

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                            #28
                            Re: Feeling Ignored and Unimportant

                            Thank you to everyone. I cannot say that enough.

                            Yesterday I went over to friends' house early and stayed the night and most of the day today (which was awesome but that's for another thread) but when I got home, he immediately sat down with me to watch an episode of Family Guy, we made love, and then I made him some peppermint tea for his upset tummy. I made sure to give him a smooch on the cheek and let him know I was grateful for spending time with me, and now he's playing video games happily and we both feel fulfilled. He listened. He has already made great strides with his diet and shows great interest in trying to improve himself from the inside out -- the diet was totally his idea as well. No pushing necessary, and I praised him and told him how impressed I was with his willpower and that he didn't need to feel bad about not eating the paleolithic diet all the time.

                            ^_^ I know it's one day at a time, but today was a good day and we both feel great about it.

                            Keep the insights coming, everyone. They are helping so much. Thank you all. I feel very blessed to have such a great support system on here -- even from those who I thought for sure I had pissed off.
                            No one tells the wind which way to blow.

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                              #29
                              Re: Feeling Ignored and Unimportant

                              woo hoo...luv making!
                              Satan is my spirit animal

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                                #30
                                Re: Feeling Ignored and Unimportant

                                Originally posted by Bjorn View Post
                                I don't know why it took a stupid photo on FB to make me realize this, but I don't spend any time with my BF anymore. He sleeps until 2:16pm, goes to work at 2:30, comes home at midnight, and then plays video games until 5-6am. If I'm lucky, we might have some intimacy but I have to ask him for that -- it's never his idea and he never instigates anything physical. He never instigates anything that we might do together. I'm sure he thinks he's showing his love for me when he paid my rent for this month, but I didn't ask him to do that and I don't want his damn money, I want HIM. We don't watch movies together, don't watch shows together like we used to -- we don't spend any fucking time together. He just comes home and wants to play video games, and then when he knows I'm going to sleep, he'll come tuck me in, and then go right back to gaming.

                                I feel unimportant. I feel undesirable. I feel like maybe we're just playing house. I'm not asking to be the center of his universe but just a tiny bit of attention would go a long way.

                                He shows his love in practical ways -- buying the groceries I like, getting me Christmas things, and so I KNOW he cares, but money is the laziest thing to me. I want quality time and when I don't get it I feel huffy and it makes me resort to getting my attention in other places, which isn't cheating but is at least on its way there. I don't want anyone else, I want him, and I want to explain that this just isn't enough. Stop buying me things and watch a damn movie with me, talk to me, SOMETHING.

                                -sigh-

                                Thoughts? Rants? Words of advice? I'll take whatever you got.
                                I know how you feel Dear! And I am sorry, seriously, you have to put up with this. It's the billionth time I hear things like this happening and my last relationship, that I am now going through a divorce over, was the EXACT SAME thing.
                                We were together for a looooong time and things were MANY many many times attempted to be fixed. Countless hours of talking at first, promises turned into it goes well for a week or two and then end up being broken...further more countless hours of marriage counseling....because he also just couldn't understand that 1 money isn't the best way to show affection and 2 he is not married to his xbox/ps3 amongst countless other things. I could go on and on.
                                I don't mean to be the bummer in this thread, I'm just pointing out that was my experience and there was nothing I was able to do to fix it. Until one day I simply had had enough of being ignored and feeling unloved and uncared for, so I left. Also I was afraid that maybe one day I would end up finding someone else and still being in a relationship...who knows and ending up cheating....Honestly that's how bad it was and it freaked me out, because I am not the kind of person who cheats, never have never will!! So even just the fear of it coming down to that showed me that things were way out of hand. So I cut the cord. It just showed me that it wasn't meant to be. And I was very very very right about this choice, hence I am more than happy now.
                                Not saying this is what you should do, good god no, hence we all have to com to our own conclusions and make our own desicions, just pointing out this was the right choice for ME.
                                I would recommend talking and talking and talking and talking until ya turn blue in the face....And be completely honest about what you need/want right down to the last detail, that's very important. He needs to know what/how/where/when before he can do what/how/where/when........Maybe even see a Counselor.......Compromise etc........Hopefully you will be lucky *crossing everything I can for you* and things will work themself out.
                                Until then, I know it hurts and I know one feels huffy and frustrated and after a while you want to beat him with a frying pan >_> ... none the less, hang in there sweets and don't start arguements because of your frustration it just makes things worse, trust me.

                                Wishing you the bestest!!!!!! *hugs*
                                Last edited by Guest; 23 Dec 2013, 04:07.

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