I hope that this is in the right place, but if it's not, I trust the moderators to move it. This might be a little bit personal for a "discussion" forum but I'm hoping to get feedback.
Today I signed up for this forum because I wanted and needed some guidance. I thought, coming in, that I was just angry with God (Yahweh) for a really rough patch in my life, but I don't think that's necessarily true. Instead, I think that sometimes I do everything whole-hog, putting tons of energy into it and then feeling let down when something doesn't work the way that I'd planned for it to. While I believe that all paths are equally valid (something I wouldn't have said a year ago), I'm feeling disconnected, frustrated and alienated.
Part of the problem is that my husband and I have never been able to agree on a faith-base. Even as a Christian (which he is also), I disagreed with what he believed. He's charismatic evangelistic and I'm more private and conservative. To be honest with you, these differing viewpoints have led me away from Christianity because it's clear to me that we're both reading the same Bible and getting something different out of it. Our views were simply too polarized for both of us to be "right," which meant that neither of us were "right," at least in my mind. This does relate to paganism, so please bear with me (and again, move this if it's in the wrong place).
I've read (mostly on the aforementioned Hubpages) that those who convert from Christianity to Paganism don't accept the fallen nature of man or that they weren't good Christians to begin with. But why not? I believed, and I did everything the Bible told me to until I was exhausted from sleeping on the floor during my menses.
If you've read up to this point, thank you. I'm sure it's pretty boring, but you can probably see where I'm going. Something I thought made sense stopped making any sense at all. But then there's the guilt. Oh dear goodness, there's all this guilt. My husband, obviously, is still a Christian. My ...friend... is leaning toward paganism but she's not experienced with it to begin with (she'd choose kitchen witchery most likely).
So basically, now I'm scared. And emotional and tearful and confused and just plain mad. I think in a way that I need help, but at the same I can't expect someone here to point me on a path -- that would be ill-advised even if it were allowed (and as I understand it, it's not). But I miss that happiness that I had from being spiritual. I miss it so much that there's something aching inside of me. I'm not going to find it in a church with my husband where they shout and speak in tongues. And I've seen too much to go back to a Messianic path.
This leaves me with one obvious, but terrifying, conclusion.
I was, at the last point in my paganism, on a Kemetic path. Sekhmet was the last deity to contact me before everything basically went dark. Now I think I understand more of why things went dark and what it means when they do. I'm no longer torn, just guilty.
Right now I'm crying. I remember these tears. They're healing, and they mean something. But I feel foolish coming to all of you with problems when none of you know me. I'm not really seeking -- not any more, I don't think -- I'm hoping to be found.
Does anybody have any reassurances or advice? My heart's pretty well open to hear it right now.
Today I signed up for this forum because I wanted and needed some guidance. I thought, coming in, that I was just angry with God (Yahweh) for a really rough patch in my life, but I don't think that's necessarily true. Instead, I think that sometimes I do everything whole-hog, putting tons of energy into it and then feeling let down when something doesn't work the way that I'd planned for it to. While I believe that all paths are equally valid (something I wouldn't have said a year ago), I'm feeling disconnected, frustrated and alienated.
Part of the problem is that my husband and I have never been able to agree on a faith-base. Even as a Christian (which he is also), I disagreed with what he believed. He's charismatic evangelistic and I'm more private and conservative. To be honest with you, these differing viewpoints have led me away from Christianity because it's clear to me that we're both reading the same Bible and getting something different out of it. Our views were simply too polarized for both of us to be "right," which meant that neither of us were "right," at least in my mind. This does relate to paganism, so please bear with me (and again, move this if it's in the wrong place).
I've read (mostly on the aforementioned Hubpages) that those who convert from Christianity to Paganism don't accept the fallen nature of man or that they weren't good Christians to begin with. But why not? I believed, and I did everything the Bible told me to until I was exhausted from sleeping on the floor during my menses.
If you've read up to this point, thank you. I'm sure it's pretty boring, but you can probably see where I'm going. Something I thought made sense stopped making any sense at all. But then there's the guilt. Oh dear goodness, there's all this guilt. My husband, obviously, is still a Christian. My ...friend... is leaning toward paganism but she's not experienced with it to begin with (she'd choose kitchen witchery most likely).
So basically, now I'm scared. And emotional and tearful and confused and just plain mad. I think in a way that I need help, but at the same I can't expect someone here to point me on a path -- that would be ill-advised even if it were allowed (and as I understand it, it's not). But I miss that happiness that I had from being spiritual. I miss it so much that there's something aching inside of me. I'm not going to find it in a church with my husband where they shout and speak in tongues. And I've seen too much to go back to a Messianic path.
This leaves me with one obvious, but terrifying, conclusion.
I was, at the last point in my paganism, on a Kemetic path. Sekhmet was the last deity to contact me before everything basically went dark. Now I think I understand more of why things went dark and what it means when they do. I'm no longer torn, just guilty.
Right now I'm crying. I remember these tears. They're healing, and they mean something. But I feel foolish coming to all of you with problems when none of you know me. I'm not really seeking -- not any more, I don't think -- I'm hoping to be found.
Does anybody have any reassurances or advice? My heart's pretty well open to hear it right now.
It sucks, but the journey through life works that way. We all hit rough spots and it's nice to be able to talk about 'em with others.
Comment