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    Need Advice: Do we take a break or break up?

    I could use some advice on a situation, but let me give you a little history. I've been with my SO for about 5 years now, and we have a 3 year old little girl together plus she has two older kids (my "bonus kids" as I hate the term "step-___"). We have been to hell and back together, through a tremendous life changing event, and through deep depression and many bad decisions (oft on my part).

    She has stuck by me the whole way, and for that I'm terribly grateful. I'm also very grateful for our daughter ... no matter what's happened or will happen, she is and always will be my most precious achievement. However, I think the chaos has taken its toll on our relationship. We've both changed, and I don't know if either of us is capable of getting back to the person we were before ... the person we each fell in love with. There's so much resentment and anger on both sides that we just can't seem to be reasonable with each other.

    When we met and fell in love, it was the most fantastic time of both our lives. Now, it's more bad than good (a lot more bad). We never got married, never saw the point in defining our relationship with the state. I guess that makes things a little easier for us if we decide to go our separate ways, but my question is this ... do we break up or do we take a break? If we take a break, how long? and should I move out of the house?

    P.S. Don't ask me what's happened, I am not willing to explain the whole ordeal.

    #2
    Re: Need Advice: Do we take a break or break up?

    First I'd just like to say, I'm very sorry that you are going through this. Second, it is good that you take blame for your part in things. If I'm not mistaken, just in these few words that you have written, it seems you still have love for this woman. It seems you love your children as well, and for that reason, I think that you need to hold fast. Taking a break can be detrimental. If you have already grown apart in ways, it will only deepen the crevice for you to leave. Instead of putting distance between you, work on getting closer to her. Essentially, "woo" her. Find the best counselor in your area and start going, even if its by yourself at first. You have to choose to start melting away the ice of the past, when you do, I'd be willing to bet that she will respond by doing the same. She may be apprehensive at first, but if and when she sees that your heart is really in it, she will find that old flame inside herself.

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      #3
      Re: Need Advice: Do we take a break or break up?

      Okay this is going to sound a bit harsh but I will start out by saying that no, you cannot go back to being the people you were before. That will be patently impossible because a lot has obviously happened and to become the people you used to be, you'd have to forget literally everything that has happened. And would that really be such a good idea? I mean if you forgot the mistakes you've made there would be a high risk of making them all over again.

      The question is, can you fall in love with each other as you are now? And are you willing to, not forget the past, but to leave it in the past and move forward together? It has to be a mutual decision since even if one of you are willing to do it, it won't work if the other isn't.
      Warning: The above post may contain traces of sarcasm.

      An apostrophe is the difference between a business that knows its shit, and a business that knows it's shit.

      "Why is every object we don't understand always called a thing?" (McCoy. Star Trek: The Moive Picture)

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        #4
        Re: Need Advice: Do we take a break or break up?

        P.S. Don't ask me what's happened, I am not willing to explain the whole ordeal.
        It's pretty much impossible for anyone to offer any meaningful advice if you aren't willing to do so.

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          #5
          Re: Need Advice: Do we take a break or break up?

          You won't like my opinion, but I'm going to give it to you.

          If you have a kid you don't get to "take a break." Either decide to be together and get over it, or separate, but don't screw around with your kids hearts. My daughter is three and she knows when my husband and I are even mad at each other and she gets very distraught.

          All relationships have rules you don't break, but sometimes you don't break them, but that other person is making you crazy and frustrated and you think forget this BS, but you probably don't mean it. Sometimes that other person will piss you off and you have to sleep on the couch for a month. But to paraphrase Yoda, you either do or do not, you don't jerk your kids or each other around.

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            #6
            Re: Need Advice: Do we take a break or break up?

            Originally posted by Jillian View Post
            First I'd just like to say, I'm very sorry that you are going through this. Second, it is good that you take blame for your part in things. If I'm not mistaken, just in these few words that you have written, it seems you still have love for this woman. It seems you love your children as well, and for that reason, I think that you need to hold fast. Taking a break can be detrimental. If you have already grown apart in ways, it will only deepen the crevice for you to leave. Instead of putting distance between you, work on getting closer to her. Essentially, "woo" her. Find the best counselor in your area and start going, even if its by yourself at first. You have to choose to start melting away the ice of the past, when you do, I'd be willing to bet that she will respond by doing the same. She may be apprehensive at first, but if and when she sees that your heart is really in it, she will find that old flame inside herself.
            I appreciate your advice, and yes I still have a lot of love for this woman. She is the mother of my daughter, and my daughter is the most precious soul bound to me through this life. And we have an appointment for counseling (well I do, but I have asked her to join me). That being said, I fear your perspective is a bit idealistic but I'm willing to try anything.

            Originally posted by MoonRaven View Post
            Okay this is going to sound a bit harsh but I will start out by saying that no, you cannot go back to being the people you were before. That will be patently impossible because a lot has obviously happened and to become the people you used to be, you'd have to forget literally everything that has happened. And would that really be such a good idea? I mean if you forgot the mistakes you've made there would be a high risk of making them all over again.
            I agree that the past is there to be our guides to the future. Without those lessons we are very much ignorant and dangerous.

            Originally posted by MoonRaven View Post
            The question is, can you fall in love with each other as you are now? And are you willing to, not forget the past, but to leave it in the past and move forward together? It has to be a mutual decision since even if one of you are willing to do it, it won't work if the other isn't.
            I have read that men are much better equipped to compartmentalize than women, but generalizations aside ... I am definitely better equipped than my partner to do so. Leaving the past in the past is less of a problem for me than it is for her. She has a propensity to do what I have heard coined "Gunny sacking" where events from the past are brought to the present as fodder for an argument. I am very bad at that.

            Originally posted by Aeran View Post
            It's pretty much impossible for anyone to offer any meaningful advice if you aren't willing to do so.
            I disagree, I have received some very good advice without those details. Imagine an event that would blacken your soul and give you reason to distrust all of humanity followed by nearly 2 years of deep depression and you have enough information to give me advice. I admit I have not been a pleasant person over the last few years ... I'm just starting to dust off my britches and find myself again. Damage has been done by me, and damage has been done by her. I wouldn't wager to quantify exactly who has contributed what, but I'm willing to admit that I have been more of the problem than she. I certainly don't want this to turn into a conversation about my terrible SO ... because she has been very good to me, and very supportive.

            Originally posted by Rowanwood View Post
            You won't like my opinion, but I'm going to give it to you.

            If you have a kid you don't get to "take a break." Either decide to be together and get over it, or separate, but don't screw around with your kids hearts. My daughter is three and she knows when my husband and I are even mad at each other and she gets very distraught.

            All relationships have rules you don't break, but sometimes you don't break them, but that other person is making you crazy and frustrated and you think forget this BS, but you probably don't mean it. Sometimes that other person will piss you off and you have to sleep on the couch for a month. But to paraphrase Yoda, you either do or do not, you don't jerk your kids or each other around.
            Thank you for your candor, and we've been through the "forget this BS" routine a few times. The bottom line is my heart and soul are weary, and I don't know how much more fight I have in me for this relationship. I rue the idea of giving up, but my heart sinks when I think about making it work. I spent a month at my sister's house, and I've spent the last couple months sleeping in a separate room. It's awkward and unkind and I hate it. I love your advice but making a final commitment is ... well a little scary either direction.

            Thank you all, I appreciate the thoughts and advice. I hope to receive more, but this has definitely given me something to think on.

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              #7
              Re: Need Advice: Do we take a break or break up?

              I'm one of those people who feel that all advice given on relationships will inherently fall short if it comes from anyone but those actually in the relationship. I'm not saying that the advice given is somehow bad or that those giving it haven't walked that road and have their own well-meaning and wisdom-filled insights. But the fact is that you're in a situation that is bigger than just "there's tension." You have a history that we haven't experienced, you have your own quirks and she hers that will come into play in relationships, you know what you've done in the past and what has and hasn't worked, you know what triggers you and she have that seems to make things worse (or better?).

              My real advice would be to take some time out and try to emotionally distance yourself from the situation enough to be able to see the big picture clearly, and see in that picture what it is you need and what it is she needs, and if there's any way for you two to get there together. Or if there's anything you can do on your part to start that process. I realize that not everyone is able to do things the same way as everyone else (we are all unique). My husband has less pride than I do and will breach topics with me when we're on a good note, and he'll start the process with "I was wrong, how can we fix this?" I'm not so great with the admitting my faults thing, but when he takes the pride out of his end it's easier for me to follow suit. Like I said, different situations with different people and different histories- but the point is to think about what may work for you two and giving it a shot.

              I will say that it sounds to me that you care a great deal about this relationship and that you want to see it continue. I also get the impression that you're a very reflective person, and that can count favorably for you in tough situations. The best answers for our personal lives come from within, you need to ask yourself the open-ended questions and then try to communicate that over to your partner and see how it goes. Even if things don't turn out the way you would like, ideally, you'll know you tried your best. I hope it works out well for you and yours.

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                #8
                Re: Need Advice: Do we take a break or break up?

                Originally posted by Ljubezen View Post
                My real advice would be to take some time out and try to emotionally distance yourself from the situation enough to be able to see the big picture clearly, and see in that picture what it is you need and what it is she needs, and if there's any way for you two to get there together. Or if there's anything you can do on your part to start that process.
                Thank you Ljubezen, that's very much what I have done. I do care about the relationship but I feel this overwhelming sense of sadness ... I almost as if I know it's over but I just can't admit it to myself. I just hope I'm wrong.

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                  #9
                  Re: Need Advice: Do we take a break or break up?

                  Originally posted by SimplePagan View Post
                  Thank you Ljubezen, that's very much what I have done. I do care about the relationship but I feel this overwhelming sense of sadness ... I almost as if I know it's over but I just can't admit it to myself. I just hope I'm wrong.
                  I hope it works out for you. Sometimes it's possible to start new after going through everything with your partner, but only if you're both on the same page and circumstances allow. Sometimes it just isn't. Best of luck.

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