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    #16
    Re: So, Poly amorous relationships

    Originally posted by Tylluan Penry View Post
    A polyamorous relationship MAY work if it is what everyone really wants. Unfortunately in the ones I've seen (and admittedly they've been few and far between) some are looking for a one-2-one relationship and trying to convince themselves (a) that they can accept something else or that (b) the person they want an exclusive relationship with will change their mind eventually.
    That sort of situation rarely works out.
    This is mostly what I've seen as well...but I've also seen it work (rarely).
    Wonderful Life: The Burgess Shale and the Nature of HistoryPagan Devotionals, because the wind and the rain is our Bible
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      #17
      Re: So, Poly amorous relationships

      I have no problems with polyamory as a concept, but I am not polyamorous. It's not even that I don't think it would work for me... I just am not attracted to nor wish to be attracted to anyone other than my husband.

      I know of polyamorous trios (and have personally spoken to them), but it seems to me that the ones that work are usually not a case of all partners loving each other equally, but of one person with multiple partners sort of situation, or both partners allowed to see other people. Which is polygamy or open relationships moreso than polyamoury, per se.

      The concept of more than three partners loving each other equally and respectfully seems like it would have difficult logistics. I mean... social politics are difficult enough between platonic groups, let alone lovers. I don't think it's impossible, I just don't think that it would be all that easy. But that could just be because I'm not a very social person lol.

      From a religious standpoint... my spirituality has nothing to say about the subject.

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        #18
        Re: So, Poly amorous relationships

        It's extremely difficult for me to even like one person, let alone love two people.
        Satan is my spirit animal

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          #19
          Re: So, Poly amorous relationships

          I think polyamory is a fantastic idea so long as all members involved are on the same page, which I have yet to see. Mostly I notice my friends using the term to signify that they are not completely exclusive with their significant other, but I have not yet seen a successful polyamorous dynamic. Lawrence is full of interesting people, several of whom claim this term, but I think they probably fall more into the "swinger" type category where they operate in an established relationship of 1-on-1 and then occasionally spice things up with someone else for either/both/to share as opposed to several people coming together and trying to make a family or household work as a collective unit.

          I think that my feelings on polyamory are quite conflicting. On the one hand I think it makes a lot of sense and could be quite natural to engage in a loving exchange that includes more room for, well, love! On the other hand, I think that if it were natural I would see a lot more success and a lot less possessiveness in those that try. Overall, it's not for me, but that's a personal realization, not a judgment call on how I think love should look.
          No one tells the wind which way to blow.

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            #20
            Re: So, Poly amorous relationships

            I have to agree, too, with the other points that Rae'ya and Bjorn have made... A real polyamorous relationship is pretty rare. More than two people, logistically in the same place with one another emotionally and mentally and physically...heck, thats hard enough with two! Its been my experience (observationally) that open relationships with well defined and agreed upon rules can work...but in a three person relationship, the few i've encountered have resulted in someone being in a second tier relationship, becoming resentful, and then boom! Game over. Though. I did once meet two couples that were roommates and the ladies were also a thing (which worked well when the guys were deployed or underway)...and that seemed to work for them. I think it really depends on the individuals involved and the dynamics of the relationship.
            Wonderful Life: The Burgess Shale and the Nature of HistoryPagan Devotionals, because the wind and the rain is our Bible
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              #21
              Re: So, Poly amorous relationships

              I think that, while a healthy polyamorous arrangement is possible, it must be a very rare thing. Meeting one person with whom you share a very deep connection and attraction to is rare enough, relatively speaking. Meeting more than one with whom you share a deep connection, and who share that same connection with one another, seems nearly impossible. I've had "feelings" for more than one guy at a time, but "feelings" are not love or anything close to making me want to spend a significant portion of my life with them. I find it challenging enough being in a relationship with one guy, let alone two or more.
              Children love and want to be loved and they very much prefer the joy of accomplishment to the triumph of hateful failure. Do not mistake a child for his symptom.
              -Erik Erikson

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                #22
                Re: So, Poly amorous relationships

                I'm a rather free loving person. As in, I have currently a person I see as my "main partner" and I believe she sees me as that too, but I wouldn't go and say "I'm the only one you can love or have sex with, THE ONLY ONE", you know? I feel like enforcing monogamy is kind of mean and really limiting on someone. As for myself I'm not really one to go chasing for relationships, this girl currently satisfies me, but I wouldn't turn down a woman if there was some mutual interest going on, but my main girl takes precedence, always. She's the one I love, and I reaaaaaally love her.

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                  #23
                  Re: So, Poly amorous relationships

                  So there seems to be a general thought that jealousy, or not being on the same level, is much a part of what breaks it up, and to that I feel, there should be more consent to it. In theory, if I have two women who are both attracted to me, and to each other, and me to them, if one of them happens to be Amazing in bed, that shouldn't be a reason for the other womans jealousy, but rather for her to enjoy, right?
                  I will continue to claim that the reason for why polygamous relationships are (a) uncommon and (b) instable, are because of culturally conditioned insecurity towards love and partnership. I mean, in a polygamous relationship, I would at least Know that my partner has sexual relations with someone else, and I'd know who it is, even if I do not share sexual relations with that person, while in a monogamous relationship, if my partner has sexual relations with someone else, that's cheating, and likely involves lying and betrayal.
                  To quote Jack Sparrow.
                  "You can always trust a dishonest man to be dishonest. It's the honest man you want to watch out for, because you never know when he's going to do something exceptionally stupid."

                  Maybe I'm narrowminded. Maybe it'd really only work if I was dating two or three exact clones of myself with modified sexual identity. But I've got to be honest, in my head, it doesn't seem impossible, or even very hard. Or maybe I'm just overthinking it, and the reason for why I feel this way is because i'm sexually confused due to my past romantic and sexual experiences, and that I can be "Healed" or something.

                  As for the rarity of this form of relationship: I did some general mathematics on the possibility for me to form a relationship of the layout that I desire (Me, and three bisexual women), and this is what it looked like.

                  In the US, currently, 1,8% of the population are bisexual according to statistic presumption. amongst straight people, around 20% have some form of "non-monogamous agreement with their current sexual or romantic partner". For homo- bi- and trans- sexuals, the number was "Slightly higher". So, asuming that 30% (Around 1/3) of the 1,8% of bisexual americans would agree to a polygamous relationship, that's 0,54%. seeing as I am straight, I'd split it in half, to only account for the women, so 0,26%. And then to find Three. that's 0,26^3, which is 0,019683% chance of finding people who'd be interested in this form of relationship. Which mean, i'd need to extend my social circle to at least 5081 people, to have a statistical chance of finding three women to have a polygamous relationship with. Compare this to my currently 16 facebook friends, this seems highly unlikely within one lifetime.

                  However, talking to this with some of my female friends, 10/12 have had a positive atitude towards the posibility of them having a polygamous relationship of the design I described, and 6/12 have said that they'd Preffer a polygamous relationship of that design before a monogamous relationship. And so that makes me think that these statistics aren't perfectly true.

                  I hope I'm not insulting anyone, and I really hope everyone understands that I respect their ideas about how relationships, love, partnership, and trust between people does and should work. Nothing I write here on the forum is ever intended as a "You are wrong" comment, and so please don't interpret it as such.

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                    #24
                    Re: So, Poly amorous relationships

                    My wife and I are theoretically polyamorous, but we don't have any other partners right now. I know of two poly groups that seem to be doing well and have been doing well for years, but I also know of perhaps twenty or twenty-five attempts at polyamorous relationships that have failed.


                    I think relationships are already difficult with two people. My wife and I have a weekly meeting in which we discuss budget, social plans, house project planning, and other practical matters. The meetings are boring, but I think choosing to have them is one of the best decisions we ever made as a couple. We've also worked a lot over the years with communication, since we both tend to communicate in very different ways. I would assume that polyamorous relationships often fail because they need to involve even more planning and even better communication. The members of the successful poly groups I know of are constantly writing messages to each other, planning one-on-one and group dates to balance everyone's time with everyone else, making plans about finances and living arrangements, discussing how best to raise children, and so forth. It's no light commitment.


                    My wife and I know that we'd be facing some major challenges if even one of us took another lover. We have some rules in place in case we might find an opportunity for this to happen. For instance, we never have sex with someone else (or commit to any other part of a relationship) on the first night, under the influence of alcohol or other drugs, or without making sure the other knows what's happening; we never have even protected sex without having a lab report on the new partner and thoroughly discussing any conditions that deviate from perfect health; we make sure that everyone understands that nothing will get in the way of our loyalty toward each other - though we'd hope that we could, in time, extend the fullness of that loyalty to the new lover. You get the general idea.


                    In short, I think a positive polyamorous relationship is certainly possible, but I think it would have to involve a high degree of planning and a great willingness to communicate effectively. I do, however, think the rewards could definitely be worth the price of overcoming the challenges.
                    OO

                    Book of Spirals is my author site.
                    The Sentient Hillside is my blog.
                    Spiral Tree is an ezine for pagans I co-founded.

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                      #25
                      Re: So, Poly amorous relationships

                      Originally posted by Ouranos Ouroboros View Post

                      In short, I think a positive polyamorous relationship is certainly possible, but I think it would have to involve a high degree of planning and a great willingness to communicate effectively. I do, however, think the rewards could definitely be worth the price of overcoming the challenges.
                      I never did get back to this thread, but you've hit the nail on the head here. Communication is the most important part. If there is something that your partner is uncomfortable with, or that you are uncomfortable with, it needs to be discussed. I didn't know unprotected sex was a no-no until I did it, and my partner almost left me for it. He's never been that angry with me before. And it was all because he didn't tell me it was an issue. Now I know, and I always listen.

                      Another thing is, if there's a hard rule (like no unprotected sex), and you agree to keep to it: KEEP TO IT. If there are any rules, they are there for a reason, and when you agree to listen to something your partner has asked of you, and then break it, you're breaking their trust. Might as well be cheating at that point.


                      Mostly art.

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                        #26
                        Re: So, Poly amorous relationships

                        There's really not much I can add that hasn't already been said, but there are a lot of things to consider in a poly relationship. There's time schedules and money matters... And if you don't get hung up on any of those, what happens when someone starts getting jealous? That's the number one death of poly relationships that I know about. For it to actually work... That's a heavy order. There's compromises when two people don't agree... But to have to juggle 4? Even a group of friends with benefits usually doesn't work out. Everyone likes to have their needs come first, and that really can't happen 100% of the time. At least in a single relationship you can work out some sort of give and take. Would you really be able to be there for two partners at once if they both decided they wanted alone time with you and it had to be "now"? Just make sure you have things thought out and you're ready to do as much giving as you will be taking.

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                          #27
                          Re: So, Poly amorous relationships

                          I had a very good friend who was polyamorous, and was happily married, as well as having a boyfriend who lived with them. In fact, she had made an argument toward my wife (at the time, we are no longer together) and I that we should join them, though we declined. Over time, the boyfriend met a girl who didn't know about their lifestyle, and he decided that he wanted to leave the group to pursue a monogamous relationship with her.

                          This choice of his led to a number of issues. The wife grew jealous and angry that her boyfriend wanted to leave, eventually becoming vindictive, doing everything that she could to sabotage his new relationship. While the husband attempted to stay clear of it all, he was still part of it just by being there and having to deal with the fallout from both sides.

                          Personally, I look at it in the same way I view the true concept of communism. While in theory, it may seem like a great idea, when it comes into practice, the reality of it coupled with human nature becomes quite flawed.

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                            #28
                            Re: So, Poly amorous relationships

                            In general, I wanted to add that one factor that makes a huge difference is the type of polyamorous group in question. A "V" group would, for instance, put some pressure on the pivot person, and that person should expect to have to put in a little more work than the outer participants. Or a pivot person in an "M/W" group would have to take special care about STDs/STIs because of the number of fluid bonds around him/her. (If you're going, "What do these letters mean?", look here (and scroll down a bit): http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Termino...thin_polyamory

                            Originally posted by volcaniclastic View Post
                            I never did get back to this thread, but you've hit the nail on the head here. Communication is the most important part. If there is something that your partner is uncomfortable with, or that you are uncomfortable with, it needs to be discussed. I didn't know unprotected sex was a no-no until I did it, and my partner almost left me for it. He's never been that angry with me before. And it was all because he didn't tell me it was an issue. Now I know, and I always listen.

                            Another thing is, if there's a hard rule (like no unprotected sex), and you agree to keep to it: KEEP TO IT. If there are any rules, they are there for a reason, and when you agree to listen to something your partner has asked of you, and then break it, you're breaking their trust. Might as well be cheating at that point.
                            Thanks. Yes, communication is vital.

                            Originally posted by Munin-Hugin View Post
                            I had a very good friend who was polyamorous, and was happily married, as well as having a boyfriend who lived with them. In fact, she had made an argument toward my wife (at the time, we are no longer together) and I that we should join them, though we declined. Over time, the boyfriend met a girl who didn't know about their lifestyle, and he decided that he wanted to leave the group to pursue a monogamous relationship with her.

                            This choice of his led to a number of issues. The wife grew jealous and angry that her boyfriend wanted to leave, eventually becoming vindictive, doing everything that she could to sabotage his new relationship. While the husband attempted to stay clear of it all, he was still part of it just by being there and having to deal with the fallout from both sides.

                            Personally, I look at it in the same way I view the true concept of communism. While in theory, it may seem like a great idea, when it comes into practice, the reality of it coupled with human nature becomes quite flawed.
                            As a side note (pm or post elsewhere if you want to begin a separate discussion), communism (as define by Marx, at least) has never been practiced. But it's confusing because some regimes have called themselves (and, in many cases, believed themselves to be) communist.
                            OO

                            Book of Spirals is my author site.
                            The Sentient Hillside is my blog.
                            Spiral Tree is an ezine for pagans I co-founded.

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                              #29
                              Re: So, Poly amorous relationships

                              going back to the OP as far as how my religious beliefs address polyamory (everything else has been well covered)...it makes no statement on it whatsoever.

                              My religious/faith tradition supports cooperation. Defines love AS cooperation. It is about accepting what is and cooperating with it.

                              If "what is" is a polyamorous relationship and everyone can cooperate and it's working, great. That is the loving thing to do, if it is not working, then the loving, cooperative thing to do is to not engage in it.

                              I think it's clear that most people aren't wired for these relationships or they'd be common. But for those that are wired for them, I hope they can find people to share it with them.

                              Personally have never known any that lasted long term, but long term relationships are not the be all end all goal and mark of a worthwhile relationship.

                              In any relationship getting out when it becomes corrosive rather than cooperative is a good action plan, or at least renegotiating terms so as to get it back on track.

                              I have had one long term relationship with a lover in my life. I have had several short term ones. Only one of those relationships was something I consider a bad choice and that I regret. How long they last was not the measure of how important, healthy or valuable they were.

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                                #30
                                Re: So, Poly amorous relationships

                                I know that the OP must feel very discouraged about their desires, what with all the failure tossed around. I am here to at least say that I am successful in my own attempt at this.

                                I have been married to a lovely (recovering, lol) lesbian couple for almost a year and a half now. The best advice I can honestly give, is make sure everyone has a role to fill.

                                I am a lover, and a protector. Both of my ladies are very shy women, and I am overly talkative and very gentle. They are emotional to a fault, and I am fairly even-keeled. We have the same interests, and we love each other both equally and completely.

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