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    setting boundaries with someone who has bi-polar.

    My SiL has been diagnosed with bipolar. She is very creative and thoughtful but also at times can be demanding. I feel a lot of pressure within the family to like everything she produces and say yes to everything she asks so as not to set her off. I wouldn't mind if she weren't so competitive and diminishing of others' work compared to her own. Also, I have adopted a less outgoing approach to life and some days I really don't want to see her two days in a row for most of the day. She makes some totally irrational statements about her personal relationships that I know aren't right, but I'm not sure if disagreeing would help. I did a little bit of research into how to set boundaries with someone with bipolar, but most of the material focuses on telling the support person to continue being patient etc. I'm a firm believer in supporting vs being a doormat. I am not sure where personal character and bipolar can meet. My values consist of equality, appreciation of individuality and taking shared and personal responsibility. Is it asking too much of someone with bipolar to see past themselves? Should I be concerned about setting her off when I disagree or refuse a request?

    #2
    Re: setting boundaries with someone who has bi-polar.

    um well it depends on how you tell her no or you disagree and also how quickly she is set off . i have anger issues very similar to bipolar . can she control her self within resonable standards . best thing is try not to set her off . find out how to disagree in ways she wont get mad or set off over . and well if she cant control it then medication usually helps. i have never took any kind of medication for my anger issues (bi polar) because i learned how to control it naturally to a degree . and it takes time for us to see past ourselves . and be careful of mood swings . but if she can learn to see past her self and to control herself than it will work out
    Knowledge is the key to eternity. Not bowing before a deity not grovling at the feet of a messiah. Knowledge is power beyond mesure - satanic witch

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      #3
      Re: setting boundaries with someone who has bi-polar.

      Was the diagnosis recent and is she on medication and/or seeing a therapist?

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        #4
        Re: setting boundaries with someone who has bi-polar.

        Originally posted by Azvanna View Post
        Is it asking too much of someone with bipolar to see past themselves?
        If they are not on treatment, yes.

        An actual diagnosed case of a bipolar disorder (as opposed to self-diagnosed excuses for bad behaviour, which is incredibly common when it comes to people claiming to be bipolar) is a mental illness. Usually, you can not expect people with mental illnesses to act, react, or control themselves in the same way as people without mental illness. It's not fair to them.

        Having said that, it's not your responsibility to support your sister in law. It's her husband's responsibility, as well as that of her parents and siblings. And it's her responsibility to seek appropriate treatment and not use her condition as an excuse for bullying and manipulative behaviour. But try to understand that if this is a genuine case, her brain does not work like yours or mine. You can't argue a person out of being clinically depressed, or rationalize a person out of a paranoid psychotic episode, or toss your hands in the air and expect someone on a bipolar downswing to man-up and get over it. Supporting people with mental illness takes special attention, sensitivity and an ability to put yourself in their shoes and realise that they are not like other people. Mood disorders are particularly tricky, because it's easy to fall into the assumption that people can perk up, get over it, control it, calm down, or generally use the same coping mechanisms that people without mood disorders do. But it doesn't work like that.

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          #5
          Re: setting boundaries with someone who has bi-polar.

          I'm bi-polar and once I learned then its easier to see the signs its alot of work but now she knows its as much her responsabilty to work on a curve her behavior. I was on medication I'm now on a herbal alterntive.For me once I knew I asked my wife to help and I just really looked at my behavior. For me people had to help say hey remeber bipolar so I could calm myself I'm ot perfect at this by no means but now I can walk off more with out yelling or getting upset most the time just need to step out off the moment. To help her work on problem is one thing for her toknow and just keep behaving the same is her fault if she's not getting help then inho I would speak my mind

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            #6
            Re: setting boundaries with someone who has bi-polar.

            Originally posted by Ljubezen View Post
            Was the diagnosis recent and is she on medication and/or seeing a therapist?
            She was diagnosed with Depression about four years ago and now Bipolar about 9 months ago. She's on medication and she did mention she had found a professional whom she feels understands her condition well, but she has moved towns now so I'm not sure if she will keep in contact with the same person.

            Originally posted by satanic witch View Post
            can she control her self within resonable standards .
            That's what I'm not sure of.

            Originally posted by Rae'ya View Post
            If they are not on treatment, yes.

            An actual diagnosed case of a bipolar disorder (as opposed to self-diagnosed excuses for bad behaviour, which is incredibly common when it comes to people claiming to be bipolar) is a mental illness. Usually, you can not expect people with mental illnesses to act, react, or control themselves in the same way as people without mental illness. It's not fair to them.

            Having said that, it's not your responsibility to support your sister in law. It's her husband's responsibility, as well as that of her parents and siblings. And it's her responsibility to seek appropriate treatment and not use her condition as an excuse for bullying and manipulative behaviour. But try to understand that if this is a genuine case, her brain does not work like yours or mine. You can't argue a person out of being clinically depressed, or rationalize a person out of a paranoid psychotic episode, or toss your hands in the air and expect someone on a bipolar downswing to man-up and get over it. Supporting people with mental illness takes special attention, sensitivity and an ability to put yourself in their shoes and realise that they are not like other people. Mood disorders are particularly tricky, because it's easy to fall into the assumption that people can perk up, get over it, control it, calm down, or generally use the same coping mechanisms that people without mood disorders do. But it doesn't work like that.
            She's on treatment, so that's a plus. She is single - my husband's sister. There's just the two of them so I feel we are pretty much her immediate family. I did read up on bipolar and how to support someone, so I know not to expect her to use the same coping strategies a mentally healthy person would and I know to steer clear of phrases that are unhelpful for her like those you mentioned.

            Originally posted by desertrat View Post
            I'm bi-polar and once I learned then its easier to see the signs its alot of work but now she knows its as much her responsabilty to work on a curve her behavior. I was on medication I'm now on a herbal alterntive.For me once I knew I asked my wife to help and I just really looked at my behavior. For me people had to help say hey remeber bipolar so I could calm myself I'm ot perfect at this by no means but now I can walk off more with out yelling or getting upset most the time just need to step out off the moment. To help her work on problem is one thing for her toknow and just keep behaving the same is her fault if she's not getting help then inho I would speak my mind
            You've done really well by the sounds! Sounds like a key for you was self-awareness. I hope my sister-in-law can follow suit. What you said about 'seeing the signs' makes good sense.

            Usually, I like to start off with people the way I intend to be the whole time, but I think this will have to become an exception to the rule. Interaction with her is an issue to me now because she has moved to my town due to some very disastrous events in her life so she can be with her family because we are all she has left. I think right now, anyone would need a large amount of compassion, let alone someone in her mental state. My plan is to allow time to get to know her, get to know her signs and in the meantime be as giving as I can. She is a gifted, thoughtful person whose dark side happens to be obvious to those close to her. I couldn't believe my luck when I stumbled into my husband's family... it's so different to my own in a good way! The example of family relationships they set is one I'd like to mimic and support, so I want to do my part to make sure they stay in-tact.

            tl;dr - yes she's getting professional treatment. I will spend time to get to know her personality and what her 'signs' are. I will value the quality of family relationships over my own convenience.

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              #7
              Re: setting boundaries with someone who has bi-polar.

              I grew up with a severly bi-polar father. The unfortunate reality of dealing with bi-polar individuals is that you often do have to walk on eggshells. Obviously medication changes a lot of things.

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                #8
                Re: setting boundaries with someone who has bi-polar.

                I personally learned a lot about mental health when I was in the system with major depression. Bi-poler can be a challenge to deal with,but there is what is called "Red flags",while in the system we learned to recognize others red flags,and also our own. How it worked is if you see someone is as they said it "decomensating"(ether off their meds or their meds stopped working for them) then it was brought to their attention and also to a councilor. This works well within the system,but outside on their own they need to learn to see it themselves,a hard thing because when someone goes "Off" they are hardly in a state to even know. The depressive stage is easier,and the manic can be bad.

                also there are two types of Bi-poler,one is Hyper manic,the other is Hypo manic, one is a lot less problematic.

                Can someone please help me understand the difference between the 2? I have an exam this week on bipolar disorder and I just cant grasp the difference between hy...


                Also when manic a person can be very aggressive. My brother had Bi-poler with delusions also.
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                  #9
                  Re: setting boundaries with someone who has bi-polar.

                  Thank you both for sharing your experiences. I looked up hypermania and hypomania after you mentioned it, anunitu. From what I'm reading, it seems now the two conditions are referred to hypomania and mania lately. Must be to try to avoid confusion when using verbal communication. From what I've seen and heard so far, she doesn't have the psychotic episodes to the degree that are described in your source and here. I think it will take a lot of time to get to know her personal condition. It sounds so unique for everyone. Looking through everything a person with bipolar has to cope with it, it sounds absolutely exhausting. The brain just doesn't have the capacity to self-regulate. It sounds very stressful and confusing for everyone.

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                    #10
                    Re: setting boundaries with someone who has bi-polar.

                    I have bipolar type II (the rapid cycling type). I can tell you right now that co-signing her own BS is not doing her or you any favors. If she's manic or hypomanic it might be helpful to humor her if you can recognize that, but a bit of diplomacy goes a long way too. There are times I'm unable to regulate my moods, and I generally avoid contact with others if I think it can have a negative impact upon them or our relationships. It's important that she learn to recognize when she's having mood swings and take appropriate actions. She may not be able to control her feelings and behaviors 100%, but if she can just tell when it's best to stay away from others she may upset, etc. she's got a good head start. If she's feeling depressed she might need treated with kid gloves. She'll probably be down on herself or feel horribly despondent about a particular situation in her life. One of the best things she could do for herself in these instances is to be able to identify when there's a real issue and when it's simply the imbalance of brain chemicals making her feel that way. She'll still feel down, of course, but everything that crosses her mind will not be some horrible personal drama for her. In short, if she doesn't take any responsibility for managing her disorder, why should you be forced to walk on egg shells around her?

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                      #11
                      Re: setting boundaries with someone who has bi-polar.

                      Awesome response, Thunderwolf, thank you.

                      Originally posted by ThunderWolf View Post
                      In short, if she doesn't take any responsibility for managing her disorder, why should you be forced to walk on egg shells around her?
                      That is the internal question I had. Thank you for voicing it!

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                        #12
                        Re: setting boundaries with someone who has bi-polar.

                        My best friend was bipolar, and I lived with him for a few years so I have some experience with this.

                        The biggest help I could be was letting him know as soon as I noticed behaviour that was out of character because by the time he noticed it himself it was too late.

                        When he was functioning within "normal" parameters I'd call BS on him just as I would any other person. When he was sick, then I would adjust my approach accordingly.
                        My friend was very intelligent, and when he was manic, his brain worked so fast that it was beyond my ability to out think him, or argue with him effectively.

                        I also kept in mind that whatever he was feeling or thinking at the time, he genuinely believed, so I took him seriously. Blowing him off, or being condescending would have been counter productive.

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                          #13
                          Re: setting boundaries with someone who has bi-polar.

                          The "being patient" advice is always helpful. But the person to be patient with is yourself. Just remember, it might be hard for you, but she's the one who lives with it every day and it's hard to be that person. She is a victim of her own mind who literally has no idea what she's doing wrong unless there is a strong hand to guide her who can walk that line between being non-provocative and illuminating. That doesn't mean you have to put up with negative behavior, though. If she gets to be too much for you at times, try and put some distance between the two of you physically until both of your moods blow over. Remember that she might not understand what you were trying to tell her if you said something that she took the wrong way. Don't be afraid to explain calmly that you are not judging her, you are simply trying to explain to her the way you think and the way you see things. And yes, this is best done when she's in a receptive mood or she will probably just dismiss you.

                          Now, this doesn't always help, it depends on the individual.

                          I had a friend that, no matter what I said, she was going to think whatever she wanted and that was the end of it. If I tried to explain that I had no desire to control the way she was doing things, she wouldn't believe me. She wasn't diagnosed as bipolar but she was adamant that there was nothing wrong with her, while being too paranoid to leave her home, too afraid to hold a job, so scared of debt it took her about four years to see a doctor when she knew she had gall stones, would say it was okay to sponge off other people to support herself especially if they're family, and would throw passive aggressive temper tantrums if she didn't get her way. I have suspicions now that she was bipolar but she insisted that she didn't need a therapist and her mother supported and supports to this day her negative behavior so she's never sought one out. Anyway, long story short, no medication for her and reason didn't work.

                          If your sil is on medication, though, it might be fruitful. As has been repeated, meds do help .

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                            #14
                            Re: setting boundaries with someone who has bi-polar.

                            Thanks DON and feathered regalia for sharing your insights. So far, the only problem I've really encountered with her is probably the obsessiveness that can suddenly take over in conversation. It's very hard to redirect when she has become fixated on a certain topic, usually about how badly she has been mistreated by someone. I wasn't sure if this was something to do with her condition or if it was a personality thing. Anyway, I hear a lot of subtle language from the family urging each other 'don't set her off,' but she's quite capable of setting herself off.

                            Originally posted by feathered_regalia View Post
                            She is a victim of her own mind who literally has no idea what she's doing wrong unless there is a strong hand to guide her who can walk that line between being non-provocative and illuminating.
                            I hope she can find someone like that here in her hometown. I'm just very glad she's taking medication.

                            Also, thank you to the person who mentioned that they would retreat from their social network if they knew they were going through a bad patch. I had a close friend whose drug addiction brought out Bipolar. He would disappear from my life for 6 months at a time with no warning and then reappear again suddenly with no explanations. I would get very frustrated. Now I understand.

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                              #15
                              Re: setting boundaries with someone who has bi-polar.

                              Okay, so to follow this issue up, I did have to set some boundaries with her not so long ago. I've had a baby and she loves babies. She tried to make me acknowledge that as my baby's Aunt, she has certain entitlements. Unfortunately for her, I do not subscribe. My husband and I became frustrated that she began taking privileges and making claims on time etc that we didn't invite or really like. He tried dealing with it indirectly, but in the end what worked best was an upfront conversation we ended up having. Indirect communication just left her confused and insecure (indirect communication meaning a half-serious remark, ignoring certain remarks made by her, refusing requests, use of body language). A direct conversation that explained our point of view and boundaries, but highlighted her worth to us in the end achieved a win-win resolution. I don't know if this will always happen and I'm sure we'll have to revisit the topic. But rather than 'set her off,' the conversation made expectations clear and I feel allowing things to continue as they were would have been more detrimental to her wellbeing.

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