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    Guys, I have a serious problem....

    I am finally dating someone for the first time in a year. In a lot of ways, things seemed great at first, but I am seeing some very unhealthy patterns. To be frank, I am afraid of my new boyfriend. Physically.
    He has not hit me, yet, but there are many red flags that things could go down that road. I find myself crying all of the time because of the subtle insults he tucks here and there.
    I know this roadshow all too well, and I want out before things get any worse. But, I am scared to break up with him because I know how bad his temper can be. I am very small and he is very strong- a point he often reiterated while "joking" about how easily he could "break" me. How can I do this and be as safe as possible? I want to get this done asap. I don't want to lead him on, and I don't want to drag this out any longer than it has to be. Should I honestly tell him that he scares me and that's why I'm leaving? Do you think that would only make him more likely to react violently? Should I bring a trusted person with me to make sure he doesn't hurt me? Even do it over the phone?
    I am very confused and emotional right now. Part of me feels very caring and affectionate toward him, but I know deep in my heart that it is not okay to feel afraid of your partner on any level, and that much of his behavior is harmful to me and will only escalate. I need to do it, I am just not sure how to do it safely.
    Any advice and/or support would be wonderful right now.
    Last edited by iflewoverthecuckoosnest; 14 Apr 2014, 23:47.

    #2
    Re: Guys, I have a serious problem....

    I would recommend you get away from this person now. Yes, bring someone (or more than one person with you) when you tell him if you suspect that he'll lash out with physical violence (even if you don't think he will, you're obviously picking up signals that he has it in him).

    No, it's not okay to be afraid of your "partner" - if he's threatening you, even with words and subtleties, get out. A partner should make you feel safe, not make you fear for your safety.

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      #3
      Re: Guys, I have a serious problem....

      Thanks, Torey. I am thinking that I will bring my brother along, at the very least. I also know that one of my best friend's boyfriends would be willing to stand by and make sure things don't get out of hand, so I'd like to bring him along as well, maybe even a few other people.
      I'm not taking any risks. He could seriously injure me if he wanted to.

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        #4
        Re: Guys, I have a serious problem....

        My goodness, honey, this scares me even. I'm with Torey. Your safety is paramount.




        "Reason is not automatic. Those who deny it cannot be conquered by it." - Ayn Rand

        "Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth." - Marcus Aurelius

        "The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice." - Mark Twain

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          #5
          Re: Guys, I have a serious problem....

          Get out. Get out now.

          Taking your brother sounds like a good idea to me, but it may also be worth ringing an abuse hotline. He may not have hit you yet, but emotional abuse is still abuse. That's how we end up with battered wife syndrome... they wear you down and get you scared before the physical stuff happens so by the time that happens you are too afraid to do anything at all. The counsellers on the hotline will be able to give you more specific advice based on what others in similar situations have gone through.

          It sounds like you've got it sorted in your own head, but remember that it is NEVER okay for your partner to say or do things like that. And they will NOT change. It's not your fault. You've not done anything wrong. You aren't weak or ugly or pathetic or anything else that he wants to throw at you when he's trying to belittle you.

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            #6
            Re: Guys, I have a serious problem....

            Originally posted by Rae'ya View Post
            Get out. Get out now.

            Taking your brother sounds like a good idea to me, but it may also be worth ringing an abuse hotline. He may not have hit you yet, but emotional abuse is still abuse. That's how we end up with battered wife syndrome... they wear you down and get you scared before the physical stuff happens so by the time that happens you are too afraid to do anything at all. The counsellers on the hotline will be able to give you more specific advice based on what others in similar situations have gone through.

            It sounds like you've got it sorted in your own head, but remember that it is NEVER okay for your partner to say or do things like that. And they will NOT change. It's not your fault. You've not done anything wrong. You aren't weak or ugly or pathetic or anything else that he wants to throw at you when he's trying to belittle you.
            I think this is all sound advice I second it.

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              #7
              Re: Guys, I have a serious problem....

              As a police officer, I would recommend that you run to the hills and don't look back. He's beginning the cycle of abuse. What you're in is called the tension-building phase. He's attempting to emotionally dominate you and make you scared and guilty to leave by throwing in vague, read-between-the-line hints. It never gets better. It never, ever gets better. It only gets worse. To be frank, he's a shit bag.

              You have to weigh your options. Does he know where you live? Where you work? Who your friends are? Do you have personal property in his possession that you need to get back?

              You have options. First, you have the right to acquire a firearm as long as you meet certain guidelines. You have the right to get a protection order or a restraining order... just remember that these are pieces of paper. If you need to take a male friend or relative with you, then do that. If you need to break up via text-message, then do that. Heck, you can even just not speak to him anymore and change your phone number. You aren't obligated to be nice to him.

              You can also speak to a police officer or sheriff's deputy, depending on where you live. Heck, you might even have the right to run a limited criminal history on him to see if he's been convicted of domestic violence. This will depend on California's laws. You may be able to do an open records check in the jurisdiction where he resides to see if they've had any negative contact with him.

              You'll have enough negativity in your life without having to walk on eggshells in your own house.
              There once was a man who said though,
              It seems that I know that I know,
              What I'd like to see,
              Is the I that knows me,
              When I know that I know that I know.

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                #8
                Re: Guys, I have a serious problem....

                If I was near you I'd have me and 5 other guys on bikes go with you. Best of luck, you're above this shithead and he wants to break you down, be safe and be merciless in defending yourself no matter what. All the above posts are also great.
                White and Red 'till I'm cold and dead.
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                From Britain's shore
                Wolfe the dauntless hero came
                And planted firm Britannia's flag
                On Canada's fair domain.
                Here may it wave,
                Our boast, our pride
                And joined in love together,
                The thistle, shamrock, rose entwined,
                The Maple Leaf Forever.

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                  #9
                  Re: Guys, I have a serious problem....

                  I have seen this happen to women before,there is a certain type of guy that seek out women that they believe they can do this to. Before my ex wife and I got together she was dating someone like this. She was less confident in herself and I think she felt "Not worthy". When I entered the picture this guy kinda stopped in his tracks. Back then I was somewhat imposing in my image. I myself when my ex and I got married worked very hard to increase her self image and her confidence. I am by my very nature very aggressive with people that take advantage of people like this. Once while waiting at a McDonald's to order this guy in front was badgering the person at the counter. The person was "learning disabled"(used to be called retarded) and this guy was being very disrespectful of this person. Being me, I dragged the guy out of line and had a "Talk" with him. It really angers me to see anyone trying to do this to anyone who can not defend themselves because of size or lack of confidence.
                  MAGIC is MAGIC,black OR white or even blood RED

                  all i ever wanted was a normal life and love.
                  NO TERF EVER WE belong Too.
                  don't stop the tears.let them flood your soul.




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                    #10
                    Re: Guys, I have a serious problem....

                    I am with Torey and Rae'ya. He's going to do this hurt you slowly. In the beginning (as it was said earlier) it will be emotionally. Hell knows what will come next.
                    Yeah, bring your brother. Having someone you trust nearby, will decrease significantly the chance he will try to do something.
                    Oh and one more thing. Those who often try to hurt people first emotionally, aren't very strong psychologically themselves. Just saying... It's up to you how to use it. But never take any risks.

                    Best of luck!
                    "Fair means that everybody gets what they need. And the only way to get that is to make it happen yourself."



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                      #11
                      Re: Guys, I have a serious problem....

                      Yeah, what they said. Plus, congratulation on seeing the game before it got worse.

                      "No, no, you're not thinking; you're just being logical." -- Niels Bohr

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                        #12
                        Re: Guys, I have a serious problem....

                        Thank you, everyone. I really appreciate all of your sound advice and support. I think I will give an abuse hotline a ring when I get back from my classes. Unfortunately, he does know where I live. I'm certainly going to let everyone who lives with me or frequents my house/hang outs know that there is a potentially dangerous situation and who they need to look out for. I'm going to think about what other measures I should take. The only piece of property I have at his house is my pillow, so I'm not too worried about leaving that behind. Again, thank you so much, this is really helping me find the strength to cut this off so that I can live a healthy life with people who respect and support me.
                        Last edited by iflewoverthecuckoosnest; 15 Apr 2014, 08:35.

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                          #13
                          Re: Guys, I have a serious problem....

                          Get a restraining order, then you have the power of the police behind you if he even comes close. Generally they're pretty cheap and usually exceptionally easy to get.

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                            #14
                            Re: Guys, I have a serious problem....

                            Originally posted by iflewoverthecuckoosnest View Post

                            I am very small and he is very strong - a point he often reiterated while "joking" about how easily he could "break" me.
                            Before those "jokes" become reality, I 'd run to the hills - as somebody here already suggested.

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                              #15
                              Re: Guys, I have a serious problem....

                              Oh yes, Larix. I am definitely committed to leaving the situation. I know it's the only healthy decision. And thank you for the suggestion, Rock, but I'm not sure if things will escalate to stalking. If that does start happening, I will definitely get one, among a couple of other groceries on my self defense list.

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