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    Relationships Between Sexual and Asexual People

    I'm just curious.

    Are any of you in a relationship where one of the people is asexual and the other is not?

    How do you make it work between the two of you?

    Thank you for any replies
    hey look, I have a book! And look I have a second one too!

    #2
    Re: Relationships Between Sexual and Asexual People

    Sex in a relationship for a sexual person is very important. At least for me it is.

    Honestly, and me personally, I wouldn't make it work. I would not be interested. Sex is not all, but it's one of those compatibility things that are absolutely vital.

    Two people can love each other, but if one is unsatisfied with the relationship, love is bound to fade away.

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      #3
      Re: Relationships Between Sexual and Asexual People

      Originally posted by SeanRave View Post
      Sex in a relationship for a sexual person is very important. At least for me it is.

      Honestly, and me personally, I wouldn't make it work. I would not be interested. Sex is not all, but it's one of those compatibility things that are absolutely vital.

      Two people can love each other, but if one is unsatisfied with the relationship, love is bound to fade away.
      I absolutely agree. For me, sex is a HUGE part of physical intimacy, and physical intimacy is a HUGE part of relationship. I could handle waiting to have sex for a while, but if I knew that it was never gonna happen and my partner was incapable of returning my sexual feelings toward them, I couldn't handle it. I would always feel defeminized and invalidated in the relationship.
      Of course, none of that would be my partner's fault. It's just that I couldn't make it work; it would be too hard on me.

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        #4
        Re: Relationships Between Sexual and Asexual People

        From what I've read, many asexuals and sexuals form a compromise where they have sex and physical intimacy still, but not spontaneously . Asexuals can still enjoy sex, they just have zero drive for it, and don't experience a sexual attraction (though they can be romantically attracted to people, to differentiate those terms for this conversation). So, sex wouldn't necessarily be out of the equation, but the other person in the relationship wouldn't have any drive towards it, or desire you.

        If I am understanding this right.
        hey look, I have a book! And look I have a second one too!

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          #5
          Re: Relationships Between Sexual and Asexual People

          Originally posted by Malflick View Post
          From what I've read, many asexuals and sexuals form a compromise where they have sex and physical intimacy still, but not spontaneously . Asexuals can still enjoy sex, they just have zero drive for it, and don't experience a sexual attraction (though they can be romantically attracted to people, to differentiate those terms for this conversation). So, sex wouldn't necessarily be out of the equation, but the other person in the relationship wouldn't have any drive towards it, or desire you.

          If I am understanding this right.
          Hey, if it works for some people, it works for them. But personally, I still wouldn't be cool with it. For me, it is an emotional need that the partner I am attracted to and investing myself in desires me the same way that I desire them. I need to know that they want to have sex with me because I arouse them like they arouse me. I would hate to know that my partner is only having sex with me as a compromise. It would kill me.
          I guess I'm just not set up to have relationships with asexuals, haha.

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          Oh, also, where are you getting this info? I'm sort of curious to read about it myself.

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            #6
            Re: Relationships Between Sexual and Asexual People

            I am more or less asexual. I don't really care for it all that much. My hubby is highly sexual. We have sex. We even have good sex. Sometimes we have kinky sex. I just am not that interested. I almost never initiate it. I get more out of a back rub and cuddle time than I do sex or even orgasms. We manage. Been together 8 years. We compromise. It is possible. It's also a lot of work. Shrug.
            We are what we are. Nothing more, nothing less. There is good and evil among every kind of people. It's the evil among us who rule now. -Anne Bishop, Daughter of the Blood

            I wondered if he could ever understand that it was a blessing, not a sin, to be graced with more than one love.
            It could be complicated; of course it could be complicated. And it opened one up to the possibility of more pain and loss.
            Still, it was a blessing I would never relinquish. Love, genuine love, was always a cause for joy.
            -Jacqueline Carey, Naamah's Curse

            Service to your fellows is the root of peace.

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              #7
              Re: Relationships Between Sexual and Asexual People

              Originally posted by iflewoverthecuckoosnest View Post
              Hey, if it works for some people, it works for them. But personally, I still wouldn't be cool with it. For me, it is an emotional need that the partner I am attracted to and investing myself in desires me the same way that I desire them. I need to know that they want to have sex with me because I arouse them like they arouse me. I would hate to know that my partner is only having sex with me as a compromise. It would kill me.
              I guess I'm just not set up to have relationships with asexuals, haha.

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              Oh, also, where are you getting this info? I'm sort of curious to read about it myself.
              I didn't want to Linkstorm, but since you asked :
              A quick note before I begin: To all the asexuals out there: It’s okay to be a virgin and it’s fine to not be a virgin. It’s okay to be curious about sex and it’s fine to not be interested in it at …




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              Originally posted by Shahaku View Post
              I am more or less asexual. I don't really care for it all that much. My hubby is highly sexual. We have sex. We even have good sex. Sometimes we have kinky sex. I just am not that interested. I almost never initiate it. I get more out of a back rub and cuddle time than I do sex or even orgasms. We manage. Been together 8 years. We compromise. It is possible. It's also a lot of work. Shrug.
              Thank you for adding that Shahaku! You guys have managed very well I see. 8 years. Man.
              hey look, I have a book! And look I have a second one too!

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                #8
                Re: Relationships Between Sexual and Asexual People

                Originally posted by Malflick View Post
                I didn't want to Linkstorm, but since you asked :
                A quick note before I begin: To all the asexuals out there: It’s okay to be a virgin and it’s fine to not be a virgin. It’s okay to be curious about sex and it’s fine to not be interested in it at …




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                Thank you for adding that Shahaku! You guys have managed very well I see. 8 years. Man.
                Thanks, Mal

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                  #9
                  Re: Relationships Between Sexual and Asexual People

                  I'm the wrong type of asexual to help you with that buddy. Never sought out or wanted to seek out relationships, and as far as I know no one has ever been particularly interested in me.

                  I wouldn't want to subject anyone to my needs anyway, I'd be a terrible boyfriend/whatever. Especially since rule number one would have to be no kissing, as I hear that's somewhat important to some people.

                  Can't be doing with kissing it's gross and pointless... just like shaking hands, chewing tobacco, and the mesh lining in swimming trunks.
                  Trust is knowing someone or something well enough to have a good idea of their motivations and character, for good or for ill. People often say trust when they mean faith.

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                    #10
                    Re: Relationships Between Sexual and Asexual People

                    Originally posted by iflewoverthecuckoosnest View Post
                    For me, it is an emotional need that the partner I am attracted to and investing myself in desires me the same way that I desire them. I need to know that they want to have sex with me because I arouse them like they arouse me. I would hate to know that my partner is only having sex with me as a compromise. It would kill me.
                    I guess I'm just not set up to have relationships with asexuals, haha.

                    -.
                    Yeah, these are my thoughts pretty much to the letter.

                    I realise that there is more to a relationship than sex, but a great deal of my self-worth as a partner (and not just a housemate or BFF) and a man comes from the idea that my wife finds me attractive and wants to have sex with me.

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                      #11
                      Re: Relationships Between Sexual and Asexual People

                      I'm in one of those relationships right now.

                      I love sex, the feeling of it, but also the communication and psychological aspects of it. The fun of wanting, anticipating, planning...the good feeling of being wanted and affirmed physically. it's nice.

                      My partner...at this point I am not sure if he never wanted sex and just did it for awhile to either hook me, or satisfy me...then just decided he had me so why bother...or what.

                      He want me to find him attractive and likes me to tell him and show him I do. And he tells me he finds me attractive, but then we never have sex. He likes the good psychological feelings, but has no interest in the physical act. That part is hard for me.

                      I can accept that I am in a nonsexual relationship. That we are great friends, and even life partners. But the mixed message part is truly difficult and confusing to me. And he also will not agree to us considering this a nonsexual relationship. He keeps saying that maybe someday we will be sexual again, and then when he flirts I wonder if THIS will be the day, and it never is, but when I say "hey, lets just accept this for what it is" he gets sad and says that is not what he wants.

                      If I leave it will be because of that, his unwillingness to be honest and make a decision. I can live without sex, but the mind games mess me up.

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Re: Relationships Between Sexual and Asexual People

                        I'm asexual by habit and by choice, believing as I do in monogamy. It'd probably take monumental patience for someone to make me feel comfortable with them, but at least I'd then know it was right. I have also felt before that the claim other duties have had on me might make me neglectful or even resentful of a partner. I still feel my sexuality, but like one would feel a phantom limb maybe. Lots of 'I''s in that, I know.

                        I can't imagine it being easy for either in that situation, unless one was finding intimacy somewhere else and the other didn't care

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                          #13
                          Re: Relationships Between Sexual and Asexual People

                          I wouldn't be able to have no sexuality in my life. For those couples who compromise about sex, I hope it is fulfilling for them. It would certainly be a good scenario to still be sexually intimate with someone you love even if they don't really desire you.

                          I've read about some couples entering into open relationships, or practicing polyamory under these circumstances for the sexual partner to meet their bodily needs if the asexual one has no interest... I can't really imagine that in the same way I can't imagine myself being polyamorous in general (I don't think I'm wired for it) but its certainly an interesting notion.

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                          (Though I suppose if it came down to not being with someone I loved, or being with them but having to sleep with someone else, I guess I'd have to come down on the latter side? But neither sounds particularly fun for me.)
                          hey look, I have a book! And look I have a second one too!

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