Hello everyone,
First and foremost, I'd like to provide to you the back-story to my main question, which will be addressed towards the end of the post. I also want to apologize for misusing any terms or words because I have not practiced Paganism before (officially), and I really do not want to offend anyone if I happen to say something incorrectly. But basically, here goes...
So I guess it started when I was approximately 12. I had always felt drawn to the Earth, especially nature, and the elements Earth and Wind. When I was even younger, I still vividly remember encountering human spirits; fully embodied, but very much dead. I told my parents, but of course, they didn't believe me. It only happened twice, however, and was thus not a daily occurrence. I grew up in a fairly catholic household, and we went to church on Sundays. I always felt voided after attending however, like I was missing something, and that many of the tenets were "manufactured" for lack of a better term. Any who, around the same time, I was drawn to dates, in which I thought was for no particular reason. The dates happen to be the solstices and equinoxes, and in addition, May 1st. For some odd reason (or, as I thought it was odd), I had an overwhelming attraction to that particular date, and even held my own little celebration when it arrived each year. But the strange, underlying thing about it is, I felt very connected to nature... very. I would often sit outside, stare at the sunsets, close my eyes, feel the wind brush through my hair, and hear it whisper, as if it was metaphorically speaking to me as it passed by.
Fast forwarding a few years --> As we finally gained access to internet (I believe I was around the age of 15), I began researching these things. The dates, their importance, and especially the first of May. I thought that for some reason, there may have been a hidden message within, and I was desperate for a solution. Living a pretty sheltered life, I had no idea about other world religions, especially not Wicca or any forms of Paganism. My research however led me to my answers; the dates, all of them, were celebrated as particularly important time periods in the past Pagan religions. I started connecting dots, and well, basically received my answer. The problem was (and still may be) that I wasn't happy with what I figured out. I didn't want to identify with any other religion that what my family followed. I was probably also inadvertently affected by the christian upbringing I had as well, and thus strayed from actually following any form of Paganism, although I still kept true to my adherence to the importance of the dates, and my closeness to nature.
Around the age of 18, I tried to forget about it all, to cut off my connections with the universe and nature, and live what society had deemed to be a "normal" lifestyle. The problem was, is that I couldn't escape it. It was like this thing that I could never detach myself from. That's when I originally registered with the forum as well. However, since then, I tried to repress my emotions once again, and further distanced myself from the forum, and any form of open practice.
Since then I encountered much tragedy, unfortunately. When I was twenty, I lost my grandma, which really hit me hard. But what even hit me harder was losing my best friend; she was just 25, and it was unexpected. This happened when I was 21, just a few months prior to the current date. And after that, I lost my cat and family pet of 15 years. All of this, has rekindled my ambition to discover the truth about the world, who I really am, and what I should do from here on out. I felt that I was selected to be a part of the growing community of Pagans at birth, which still to this day confuses me. Does anyone else have any similar experiences with feeling connected to Paganism before even really knowing what it was? Or am I alone in that regard?
If anyone has any additional advice, I would like to thank you in advance. I think I'm really just trying to find my path in this world, and establish myself as an individual that's true to my inner ambitions as well as what I believe in. Thank you all for your support.
First and foremost, I'd like to provide to you the back-story to my main question, which will be addressed towards the end of the post. I also want to apologize for misusing any terms or words because I have not practiced Paganism before (officially), and I really do not want to offend anyone if I happen to say something incorrectly. But basically, here goes...
So I guess it started when I was approximately 12. I had always felt drawn to the Earth, especially nature, and the elements Earth and Wind. When I was even younger, I still vividly remember encountering human spirits; fully embodied, but very much dead. I told my parents, but of course, they didn't believe me. It only happened twice, however, and was thus not a daily occurrence. I grew up in a fairly catholic household, and we went to church on Sundays. I always felt voided after attending however, like I was missing something, and that many of the tenets were "manufactured" for lack of a better term. Any who, around the same time, I was drawn to dates, in which I thought was for no particular reason. The dates happen to be the solstices and equinoxes, and in addition, May 1st. For some odd reason (or, as I thought it was odd), I had an overwhelming attraction to that particular date, and even held my own little celebration when it arrived each year. But the strange, underlying thing about it is, I felt very connected to nature... very. I would often sit outside, stare at the sunsets, close my eyes, feel the wind brush through my hair, and hear it whisper, as if it was metaphorically speaking to me as it passed by.
Fast forwarding a few years --> As we finally gained access to internet (I believe I was around the age of 15), I began researching these things. The dates, their importance, and especially the first of May. I thought that for some reason, there may have been a hidden message within, and I was desperate for a solution. Living a pretty sheltered life, I had no idea about other world religions, especially not Wicca or any forms of Paganism. My research however led me to my answers; the dates, all of them, were celebrated as particularly important time periods in the past Pagan religions. I started connecting dots, and well, basically received my answer. The problem was (and still may be) that I wasn't happy with what I figured out. I didn't want to identify with any other religion that what my family followed. I was probably also inadvertently affected by the christian upbringing I had as well, and thus strayed from actually following any form of Paganism, although I still kept true to my adherence to the importance of the dates, and my closeness to nature.
Around the age of 18, I tried to forget about it all, to cut off my connections with the universe and nature, and live what society had deemed to be a "normal" lifestyle. The problem was, is that I couldn't escape it. It was like this thing that I could never detach myself from. That's when I originally registered with the forum as well. However, since then, I tried to repress my emotions once again, and further distanced myself from the forum, and any form of open practice.
Since then I encountered much tragedy, unfortunately. When I was twenty, I lost my grandma, which really hit me hard. But what even hit me harder was losing my best friend; she was just 25, and it was unexpected. This happened when I was 21, just a few months prior to the current date. And after that, I lost my cat and family pet of 15 years. All of this, has rekindled my ambition to discover the truth about the world, who I really am, and what I should do from here on out. I felt that I was selected to be a part of the growing community of Pagans at birth, which still to this day confuses me. Does anyone else have any similar experiences with feeling connected to Paganism before even really knowing what it was? Or am I alone in that regard?
If anyone has any additional advice, I would like to thank you in advance. I think I'm really just trying to find my path in this world, and establish myself as an individual that's true to my inner ambitions as well as what I believe in. Thank you all for your support.
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