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    Boyfriend constantly fighting with me about cats

    I have 3 cats. They're not well trained, in that they jump on every available surface, and they run around and knock stuff over.

    My youngest cat has a problem with peeing in places. He's healthy, and he's fixed, but he pees outside of the litter box a lot. I clean the boxes (we have 2) every night after work, but I don't know what to do.

    My middle cat gets in the box, but sometimes misses and hits the floor instead. I clean it up right away, but my boyfriend said he "couldn't live in a house with shit and piss all over the floor everywhere".

    My oldest cat has never slept anywhere but my bed with me in six years. Boyfriend demanded we keep them out of the bedroom. This means my oldest cat meows loudly every day at 530AM until I come out and sleep on the couch with them.

    Plus, he complains that there's hair everywhere. We have tile throughout, so it's hard to get up because the broom just kind of floats it away.

    I expressed my concerns about these issues before we moved in and he assured me it wasn't going to be a problem. We are now a month into a one-year contract, and we just got into yet another argument about the cats, wherein he said he "didn't know what he was thinking".

    I don't know what to do. Any advice?

    #2
    Re: Boyfriend constantly fighting with me about cats

    Your boyfriend sounds a right miserable git. I think maybe he should be neutered....

    Seriously though... it does sound a bit as though he's looking for an excuse to find fault. And given your earlier post about working hard and feeling exhausted, I think he could cut you some slack.

    Your cats sounds considerably nicer than he does.
    www.thewolfenhowlepress.com


    Phantom Turnips never die.... they just get stewed occasionally....

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      #3
      Re: Boyfriend constantly fighting with me about cats

      Well, I can't help with your boyfriend. :c But I know communication is the key to all relationships.
      I may be able to help you with your kitty peeing in places beside the litter box. Is he spraying to mark, or is he squatting and peeing?

      Comment


        #4
        Re: Boyfriend constantly fighting with me about cats

        Originally posted by Cerdivae Song View Post
        Well, I can't help with your boyfriend. :c But I know communication is the key to all relationships.
        I may be able to help you with your kitty peeing in places beside the litter box. Is he spraying to mark, or is he squatting and peeing?
        Squatting and peeing. like oceans of pee.

        - - - Updated - - -

        My boyfriend went and smacked my cat a few days ago, and I went off. Today, he drug him through the hall and dug his face in the tile all over where the pee was and that's what started the fight. I've told him to never lay hands on my cats again, but I don't know how this is going to work.

        Some aspects of living with cats are unfixable. Cat hair everywhere is a thing. Cat barf is a thing. I don't know how to solve those issues. And we're one month into a 12 month lease.

        Comment


          #5
          Re: Boyfriend constantly fighting with me about cats

          There's a lot of info that is missing here that would be critical to understanding both sides.

          Depending upon what his job is hair can be a critical issue. Try going into any food preparation job with hair hanging upon you and you'll soon find your self looking for a new job. The same can be said of any job that calls for lots of face to face dealings with the general public, especially where you become the face for said business. If one has to wear any type of uniform it also becomes a serious issue in personal appearance. Lots of people like to play things like that off and say you should be more accepting but unfortunately it doesn't work like that.

          As a middle management person I have on many occasions been called on to negatively council a person because of hair, didn't matter if it was from a dog or cat. That not even touching upon the social gossip in the office about anything they brought in due to hair being on or in it. Seen a few people told their services were no longer required because of it being a frequent problem and they were let go.

          Even as to how it will impact is difficult to say. You keep saying your one month into a year long lease which seems to indicate you've only been living together for a month now. So the cats maybe the visible sign of friction as you both try to establish your relationship and boundaries. I'd say chances are there are other things being said or acted upon but the cats seem to be the most visible, and potentially the straw that breaks the camels back in the relationship. One month is hardly a great amount of time to reveal inner workings and give and take of a relationship. Yet it is more than enough time to discover that something you though would be no issue is an issue and bothers you to a great degree.

          That's were communications have to be open and frequent between both parties. It seems the cat's do not offend you but you don't seem to be understanding that it might be a major offense to him. Potentially even something being commented upon by your social circle that may visit your home but not being said to you.

          The issue of a cat that won't use its litter box is often times tied back to a sense of boundaries and such. We had three cats once and had to have three separate litter boxes for them. Otherwise we'd find pee and crap all over the house. Even if its cleaned everyday its still a health issue and leaves a smell that jumps out at you the moment you walk into the house. Of course that doesn't even touch upon the fact your leasing / renting a place and how that will impact upon the situation. Not to many landlords are forgiving of the smells or wooden features being turned into scratching posts.

          Smacking their butt or rubbing their nose into the urine or crap is a very established method of trying to correct or teach. Not saying its right but it is very popular and known means so it doesn't surprise me it would be used as a means of trying to correct and teach.

          I am curious though as to who's name is on the lease? Doesn't seem important but if his is on the lease then he's the one that gets hammered not you. Goes back to that sense of boundaries and such but also part of the establishing of control and importance.

          Nothing is un-fixable, even cats. It's only a matter of to what degree your both willing to go to fix it. Even to the depth of being willing to consider when things appear to indicate there is cause for issue. Sorry to me a cat pissing and crapping on the floor or such is an issue and seldom does a quick clean up actually remove the smell and odor from it. Shine a black light on the area and cat urine jumps out at you, even after you've scrubbed the area and cleaned it up.

          I wish you luck but think from your writing here your cats are more important than the relationship and you'll error in their defense every time. But the deeper issue is that communications are not being used between the two of you.
          I'm Only Responsible For What I Say Not For What Or How You Understand!

          Comment


            #6
            Re: Boyfriend constantly fighting with me about cats

            Originally posted by Cerdivae Song View Post
            Well, I can't help with your boyfriend. :c But I know communication is the key to all relationships.
            I may be able to help you with your kitty peeing in places beside the litter box. Is he spraying to mark, or is he squatting and peeing?
            Originally posted by monsno_leedra View Post
            There's a lot of info that is missing here that would be critical to understanding both sides.

            Depending upon what his job is hair can be a critical issue. Try going into any food preparation job with hair hanging upon you and you'll soon find your self looking for a new job. The same can be said of any job that calls for lots of face to face dealings with the general public, especially where you become the face for said business. If one has to wear any type of uniform it also becomes a serious issue in personal appearance. Lots of people like to play things like that off and say you should be more accepting but unfortunately it doesn't work like that.

            As a middle management person I have on many occasions been called on to negatively council a person because of hair, didn't matter if it was from a dog or cat. That not even touching upon the social gossip in the office about anything they brought in due to hair being on or in it. Seen a few people told their services were no longer required because of it being a frequent problem and they were let go.

            Even as to how it will impact is difficult to say. You keep saying your one month into a year long lease which seems to indicate you've only been living together for a month now. So the cats maybe the visible sign of friction as you both try to establish your relationship and boundaries. I'd say chances are there are other things being said or acted upon but the cats seem to be the most visible, and potentially the straw that breaks the camels back in the relationship. One month is hardly a great amount of time to reveal inner workings and give and take of a relationship. Yet it is more than enough time to discover that something you though would be no issue is an issue and bothers you to a great degree.

            That's were communications have to be open and frequent between both parties. It seems the cat's do not offend you but you don't seem to be understanding that it might be a major offense to him. Potentially even something being commented upon by your social circle that may visit your home but not being said to you.

            The issue of a cat that won't use its litter box is often times tied back to a sense of boundaries and such. We had three cats once and had to have three separate litter boxes for them. Otherwise we'd find pee and crap all over the house. Even if its cleaned everyday its still a health issue and leaves a smell that jumps out at you the moment you walk into the house. Of course that doesn't even touch upon the fact your leasing / renting a place and how that will impact upon the situation. Not to many landlords are forgiving of the smells or wooden features being turned into scratching posts.

            Smacking their butt or rubbing their nose into the urine or crap is a very established method of trying to correct or teach. Not saying its right but it is very popular and known means so it doesn't surprise me it would be used as a means of trying to correct and teach.

            I am curious though as to who's name is on the lease? Doesn't seem important but if his is on the lease then he's the one that gets hammered not you. Goes back to that sense of boundaries and such but also part of the establishing of control and importance.

            Nothing is un-fixable, even cats. It's only a matter of to what degree your both willing to go to fix it. Even to the depth of being willing to consider when things appear to indicate there is cause for issue. Sorry to me a cat pissing and crapping on the floor or such is an issue and seldom does a quick clean up actually remove the smell and odor from it. Shine a black light on the area and cat urine jumps out at you, even after you've scrubbed the area and cleaned it up.

            I wish you luck but think from your writing here your cats are more important than the relationship and you'll error in their defense every time. But the deeper issue is that communications are not being used between the two of you.
            Yes, we've been living together for only a month.

            His job requires a sterile environment. I can understand concerns about cat hair, but living with cats, it is in an impossibility to assume that we can somehow eliminate the issue. He knew quite well that I had 3 cats. He knows that cats have hair, and we have taken some measures to decrease the issue, such as renting a place with tile throughout, having his clothing in a separate, cat free room, and employing the use of sticky rollers.

            Our main goal is to enclose the patio and have the litter boxes outside. This will help with fur, because I'm sure they'll want to be in the sun instead of hanging out in the house. I also think that way we can have two boxes outside and one inside.

            I don't know what to do about my youngest cat urinating outside of the box, however. I use that pet spray cleaner with enzymes in it on all the places he's gone, but it continues.

            I do not care for my cats more than I care for the relationship. I care equally. BUT, they were here first, I expressed concerns about it previously, he agreed to it, and I don't know how a cat being a cat is the cat's fault.

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              #7
              Re: Boyfriend constantly fighting with me about cats

              Originally posted by KarrinMurphy View Post
              Yes, we've been living together for only a month.

              His job requires a sterile environment. I can understand concerns about cat hair, but living with cats, it is in an impossibility to assume that we can somehow eliminate the issue. He knew quite well that I had 3 cats. He knows that cats have hair, and we have taken some measures to decrease the issue, such as renting a place with tile throughout, having his clothing in a separate, cat free room, and employing the use of sticky rollers.

              Our main goal is to enclose the patio and have the litter boxes outside. This will help with fur, because I'm sure they'll want to be in the sun instead of hanging out in the house. I also think that way we can have two boxes outside and one inside.

              I don't know what to do about my youngest cat urinating outside of the box, however. I use that pet spray cleaner with enzymes in it on all the places he's gone, but it continues.

              I do not care for my cats more than I care for the relationship. I care equally. BUT, they were here first, I expressed concerns about it previously, he agreed to it, and I don't know how a cat being a cat is the cat's fault.

              Sadly there is no such thing as a cat hair free room or area when you have cats. You might keep the clothes in a separate room but he still has to go into the rooms with the cat hair, the clothes will still be washed, dried and folded outside of that room.

              Personally I find the "They were here first argument" to be pretty crappy and one sided. Wonder how you'd feel if he did the sorry my friends were here first so they take precedent over you. Sorry this or that was here first and you knew about it so it takes precedent. Even the notion of he agreed to it but now finds it offensive or unworkable is a flag but not sure on which side. Consider he tried and it didn't work but the fought seems to be its his fought because the cat is simply being a cat. Doesn't bode extremely well for survival of the relationship it you have to start out hiding or accepting something simply because of the argument it's only a cat being a cat.

              But as I stated above there seems to be a lot of unspoken or poor communications going on here between the two of you.
              I'm Only Responsible For What I Say Not For What Or How You Understand!

              Comment


                #8
                Re: Boyfriend constantly fighting with me about cats

                So have we asked the boyfriend what his real issues are yet?? No I mean seriously, you cannot tell me that he never stayed with you before you moved in together which means he saw what happened and how they behaved before hand. So what has changed now that he absolutely cannot stand them or their behavior??
                Next question if he works in a sterile environment do they then provide a locker room and a uniform for him to change into once he gets to work to ensure that he is clean and not contaminated. I am a Chef, and even independent restaurants that I have worked for launder the chef coats that way there are no issues with cleanliness.
                I think there is definitely more going on then just the cats, and agree with Monsno that they are just the straw. How protective of them are you, and do you tend to favor them over him? I understand they were there first but have you consider that you make him feel that they are more important than him? By getting up at 5:30 am every morning to go sleep with the oldest one you prove that you do. He wants boundaries set. Stop getting up and going to the cat every night or maybe talk to him about leaving the door open but training the cats not to get on the bed. It can be done.
                I am not siding with your boyfriend by any means because I have been there I have had argued about a cat, and really what it came down to was he was jealous. I protected her at all costs regardless if she was in the wrong because she had been with me through so much. Try not to get defensive when he talks to you. I know its hard trust me I know but listen to what he says and think about it. You can make this work.
                "If you want to know what a man is like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals." -- Sirius Black

                "Time is an illusion, lunch time doubly so."-- Ford Prefect

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                  #9
                  Re: Boyfriend constantly fighting with me about cats

                  I am about to have a possibly unpopular opinion. This is an opinion based upon my own biases, and only upon what I have read in previous threads. I am sure there is another side, but I have no access to that side. So. Fair warning.

                  This is the same guy that has one job to your two, and still did nothing to help out in the new place, even while you ended up in ER because of exhaustion/anemia, and he only started helping after you sat him down and directly asked, and even then still can only do the one chore he agreed to half the time? You are tired and physically sick ... you work two jobs and all the chores except one to make this work, and all he can do is strike your pet in anger and grump around about how miserable he is.

                  Yeah no. Fuck a bunch of noise. Fuck the lease, and fuck him.

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                    #10
                    Re: Boyfriend constantly fighting with me about cats

                    Wait wait wait wait.
                    Please forgive my newness and not knowing previous situations and the likes but I must ask for confirmation is this the same person that Rhaethe is talking about?? Cause if so I take back everything I just said and side with her. He has no say if hes worthless like that. Kick that man to the curb and find a roommate.
                    "If you want to know what a man is like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals." -- Sirius Black

                    "Time is an illusion, lunch time doubly so."-- Ford Prefect

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Re: Boyfriend constantly fighting with me about cats

                      Originally posted by kalynraye View Post
                      Wait wait wait wait.
                      Please forgive my newness and not knowing previous situations and the likes but I must ask for confirmation is this the same person that Rhaethe is talking about?? Cause if so I take back everything I just said and side with her. He has no say if hes worthless like that. Kick that man to the curb and find a roommate.
                      Only Karrin could say its the same, but here is the previous thread I was referencing, dated less than a month ago. --- http://www.paganforum.com/showthread...-an-utter-dump

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                        #12
                        Re: Boyfriend constantly fighting with me about cats

                        Whose name is on the lease? That is the deciding factor. If his then its his game and you play by his rules or leave. If yours then your the caller and set the rules. If both then you either work it out or pay the penalty for breaking your half of the agreement if that's what you decide upon.

                        As far as who has how many jobs, etc that's bs. Her having two does not make her's more demanding than his one depending upon what each job is. That plays upon the poor pitiful me syndrome so you take pity about how abused they claim to be. Granted there maybe insider info i'm not privy to but as I stated there is still to much unknown and apparently emotionally charged as well.

                        Then if they never lived together and now find themselves in both a lease and trouble after just a month there is still a whole lot of issues here beyond that of the cats. Saying one is being taken advantage of does nothing to tell the truth or what is actually transpiring or what might actually have been agreed upon between the parties as to who will do what and to what degree. It's all sympathetic knee jerk based upon one side of a sad story and a willingness to take sides based upon that emotional baggage only.

                        Which sadly seems to go back to poor communications between the two parties and boundaries.

                        - - - Updated - - -

                        Originally posted by Rhaethe View Post
                        Only Karrin could say its the same, but here is the previous thread I was referencing, dated less than a month ago. --- http://www.paganforum.com/showthread...-an-utter-dump

                        Interesting, a thread with 14 entries, of which two are by the op. Not once does she tell you what the boyfriend does for work, how long he works or anything beyond doing the dishes occasionally. Yet its a conclusion the boyfriend is a dirt bag because of it. Talk about emotional knee jerk assumptions.
                        I'm Only Responsible For What I Say Not For What Or How You Understand!

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Re: Boyfriend constantly fighting with me about cats

                          Originally posted by monsno_leedra View Post
                          Whose name is on the lease? That is the deciding factor. If his then its his game and you play by his rules or leave. If yours then your the caller and set the rules. If both then you either work it out or pay the penalty for breaking your half of the agreement if that's what you decide upon.

                          As far as who has how many jobs, etc that's bs. Her having two does not make her's more demanding than his one depending upon what each job is. That plays upon the poor pitiful me syndrome so you take pity about how abused they claim to be. Granted there maybe insider info i'm not privy to but as I stated there is still to much unknown and apparently emotionally charged as well.

                          Then if they never lived together and now find themselves in both a lease and trouble after just a month there is still a whole lot of issues here beyond that of the cats. Saying one is being taken advantage of does nothing to tell the truth or what is actually transpiring or what might actually have been agreed upon between the parties as to who will do what and to what degree. It's all sympathetic knee jerk based upon one side of a sad story and a willingness to take sides based upon that emotional baggage only.

                          Which sadly seems to go back to poor communications between the two parties and boundaries.

                          - - - Updated - - -




                          Interesting, a thread with 14 entries, of which two are by the op. Not once does she tell you what the boyfriend does for work, how long he works or anything beyond doing the dishes occasionally. Yet its a conclusion the boyfriend is a dirt bag because of it. Talk about emotional knee jerk assumptions.

                          Let's see.

                          I clearly prefaced my own response with the following:

                          Originally posted by Rhaethe View Post
                          I am about to have a possibly unpopular opinion. This is an opinion based upon my own biases, and only upon what I have read in previous threads. I am sure there is another side, but I have no access to that side. So. Fair warning.
                          You declaring it emotional and knee-jerk only, oh, I don't know, reinforces what I already declared it would be?

                          Karrin is free and able to completely discount any advice or opnion I might have on the subject. I even flag it for her as BIASED OPINION HERE FEEL FREE TO IGNORE to make it easier for her to discount if she wishes.

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Re: Boyfriend constantly fighting with me about cats

                            I guess that comes from watching more than one situation that was exactly that way. I also feel like you take the boyfriends side because you are a male and feel someone has to defend him. So I guess we are all going for the emotional knee jerk assumptions.
                            And yes I agree dump him because regardless if he or she is in the right and the other is in the wrong do you know what its going to come down to?? Hes going to tell her to get rid of the cats or him. That will be the next stage of this fight, hes going to make her choose between them. And going off what she has said I'd rather be on my own than with a partner who doesn't put in the same effort I put. (yes I am aware that he might work just as hard at his one job as she works at her two, however his occasion dish washing does not equate to laundry, a clean house, and dinner every night. Its called equal work!!)

                            Second it is not his place and it is not her place it is THEIR place. They moved in together, they are making a home together which means it is THEIR rules not his rules or her rules. Thats not how relationships work, its a partnership
                            Last edited by kalynraye; 08 Jul 2014, 17:58.
                            "If you want to know what a man is like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals." -- Sirius Black

                            "Time is an illusion, lunch time doubly so."-- Ford Prefect

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Re: Boyfriend constantly fighting with me about cats

                              Originally posted by Rhaethe View Post
                              Let's see.

                              I clearly prefaced my own response with the following:



                              You declaring it emotional and knee-jerk only, oh, I don't know, reinforces what I already declared it would be?

                              Karrin is free and able to completely discount any advice or opnion I might have on the subject. I even flag it for her as BIASED OPINION HERE FEEL FREE TO IGNORE to make it easier for her to discount if she wishes.

                              If I had said your knee jerk response then I could see the confusion but I simply stated a thread with 14 responses with only two by the op. Asked multiple times about the arrangements but she only answered one small aspect. That's knee jerk assumption in my opinion of what or how the boyfriend is being seen and perceived as.

                              That not even considering here she says its been only a month living together. Her thread was 20 Jun which means its been nearly three weeks for all this to occur yet one would have to assume all her conditions where already in play before she moved in with the boyfriend. All her committed hours to pay her bills as she states had to have been started prior to them even moving in together which could suggest the boyfriend had no part in this.

                              Then lets also address just who the lease written against. If the boyfriend and she moved in with all this baggage already then was there even an assumption of what the boyfriend was supposed to be doing.

                              Sorry like i've said over and over to little known info, to much assumption of facts and what appears to be very poor communications on the part of both parties involved.

                              - - - Updated - - -

                              Originally posted by kalynraye View Post
                              I guess that comes from watching more than one situation that was exactly that way. I also feel like you take the boyfriends side because you are a male and feel someone has to defend him. So I guess we are all going for the emotional knee jerk assumptions.
                              And yes I agree dump him because regardless if he or she is in the right and the other is in the wrong do you know what its going to come down to?? Hes going to tell her to get rid of the cats or him. That will be the next stage of this fight, hes going to make her choose between them. And going off what she has said I'd rather be on my own than with a partner who doesn't put in the same effort I put. (yes I am aware that he might work just as hard at his one job as she works at her two, however his occasion dish washing does not equate to laundry, a clean house, and dinner every night. Its called equal work!!)

                              Second it is not his place and it is not her place it is THEIR place. They moved in together, they are making a home together which means it is THEIR rules not his rules or her rules. Thats not how relationships work, its a partnership
                              NO whomever's name is on the lease is the one who has a place and responsibility for it. That they moved in together does not add the other to the lease nor make them legally responsible for the care and upkeep of it according to the lease. Just the same as if her name is not on the lease she can say screw it and leave at any time and leave him hanging if she is helping pay the bills.

                              Hm, don't see where I've defended him at all just pointing out that there is a lot of assumption here. Of course maybe you've been privy to pm's where she answered all those questions that were not answered in either thread about that boyfriend. Myself I've not so have to go by what is before me on the cyber page. Nor have I seen any response she's made that indicates just what he is doing or not doing or what she brought to the situation before they moved in together.

                              As far as getting rid of the cats or choosing I'd personally leave that up to her to choice not make the assumption that she'll be forced to do so. That falls back into that emotional knee jerk of what is going to happen or presumed as to what will happen.
                              I'm Only Responsible For What I Say Not For What Or How You Understand!

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