Expectations in SO Relationships

[Bjorn]

Two days in a row I wake up and my husband is nowhere to be found, no note, no reason, nothing. And yesterday I had the discussion about "adults leave notes or other indications of where they're going and when they'll be home." -.- I'll have to start conditioning that man. Now.. what kind of treat/bribes can I bring to the training table...

I understand where you're coming from but I honestly have a problem with this. It feels very controlling to me -- he's a grown person, a sovereign adult who can come and go as he pleases. Now sure, a little note would be nice but leashing people is entirely too controlling for me to scroll by without commenting on. Can't you just call him and ask?

[Medusa]

Re: THE RANT THREAD!

I understand where you're coming from but I honestly have a problem with this. It feels very controlling to me -- he's a grown person, a sovereign adult who can come and go as he pleases. Now sure, a little note would be nice but leashing people is entirely too controlling for me to scroll by without commenting on. Can't you just call him and ask?

Though I understand what you are saying, knowing the free type of person you are and what not. It's all good.

But. Having a spouse (someone you made solemn vow to) who just doesn't let you know where they are for two days in a row? Having a discussion about that is not leashing. It's trying to explain to your spouse to not be an inconsiderate mate and leave you wondering what horrible thing has happened to you. You just don't do that to a mate.

One day my father got up and went to work. And didn't come home because he died. Imagine wondering waking up and you have no idea where your spouse is? Have you ever been committed to someone that deeply? You know where you have planned your entire life with a person. Have medical terms with a person. Have financial terms with a person. In such a way that you can't just say, oh well, next dude. I don't really have ties to this guy much. You know, meh. I don't think so.

I don't mean to be mean here Bjorn. But I don't think you have any idea. And mixing spousal concern with the word leashing just seems really wrong.

Don't judge her because your view of partnership is a bit more free flowing then hers. Or else someone is gonna turn around and judge the shit out of you.

This sounds harsh. You are my friend. But you are wrong here.

[Bjorn]

Re: THE RANT THREAD!

Though I understand what you are saying, knowing the free type of person you are and what not. It's all good.

But. Having a spouse (someone you made solemn vow to) who just doesn't let you know where they are for two days in a row? Having a discussion about that is not leashing. It's trying to explain to your spouse to not be an inconsiderate mate and leave you wondering what horrible thing has happened to you. You just don't do that to a mate.

One day my father got up and went to work. And didn't come home because he died. Imagine wondering waking up and you have no idea where your spouse is? Have you ever been committed to someone that deeply? You know where you have planned your entire life with a person. Have medical terms with a person. Have financial terms with a person. In such a way that you can't just say, oh well, next dude. I don't really have ties to this guy much. You know, meh. I don't think so.

I don't mean to be mean here Bjorn. But I don't think you have any idea. And mixing spousal concern with the word leashing just seems really wrong.

Don't judge her because your view of partnership is a bit more free flowing then hers. Or else someone is gonna turn around and judge the shit out of you.

This sounds harsh. You are my friend. But you are wrong here.

I'm not offended or bothered, and I certainly didn't mean to judge, merely to voice that it felt wrong to me.

And as I read it, it wasn't that he didn't come home at all for two day but that he wasn't there when she got up. If I missed something or misread it then I apologize, and no, I've never really been in love or cared that deeply about anyone, you're right. But it felt wrong. It felt like what was being said was "*I* want my hub to check in where he's going and when he's coming back," and I think that's unrealistic to demand. It feels like micromanaging. I know that's not the intention, but that's how it felt, which is why I responded the way I did.

And I still feel the way I do.

[Medusa]

Re: THE RANT THREAD!

I'm not offended or bothered, and I certainly didn't mean to judge, merely to voice that it felt wrong to me.

And as I read it, it wasn't that he didn't come home at all for two day but that he wasn't there when she got up. If I missed something or misread it then I apologize, and no, I've never really been in love or cared that deeply about anyone, you're right. But it felt wrong. It felt like what was being said was "*I* want my hub to check in where he's going and when he's coming back," and I think that's unrealistic to demand. It feels like micromanaging. I know that's not the intention, but that's how it felt, which is why I responded the way I did.

And I still feel the way I do.

I'm pretty sure she wasn't micromanaging. But when you decide to live with another person till the day you die...it would be normal to be worried if two days in a row, you wake up, and have no idea where the love of your life is. And they not getting it after the first time. I can guarantee my paycheck, if she did the same thing to him..he'd be pissed as hell.
I think you aren't wrong. Not at all. Because like you said, you haven't been in this sort of relationship where you actually depend entirely on another human being. I've been there. A lot of us in long term relationships have been there. It's a terrifying situation that makes you angry as hell. The mindset of marriage is that you now live with another person and it's not sharing a space. It's one life.

[ThorsSon]

Re: THE RANT THREAD!

Though I understand what you are saying, knowing the free type of person you are and what not. It's all good.

But. Having a spouse (someone you made solemn vow to) who just doesn't let you know where they are for two days in a row? Having a discussion about that is not leashing. It's trying to explain to your spouse to not be an inconsiderate mate and leave you wondering what horrible thing has happened to you. You just don't do that to a mate.

One day my father got up and went to work. And didn't come home because he died. Imagine wondering waking up and you have no idea where your spouse is? Have you ever been committed to someone that deeply? You know where you have planned your entire life with a person. Have medical terms with a person. Have financial terms with a person. In such a way that you can't just say, oh well, next dude. I don't really have ties to this guy much. You know, meh. I don't think so.

I don't mean to be mean here Bjorn. But I don't think you have any idea. And mixing spousal concern with the word leashing just seems really wrong.

Don't judge her because your view of partnership is a bit more free flowing then hers. Or else someone is gonna turn around and judge the shit out of you.

This sounds harsh. You are my friend. But you are wrong here.

I'm with Bjorn, here... and maybe that's why I'm not married.

But I have a wandering nature... I went to San Antonio last weekend on a whim (a 4 hour drive)... No one knew about my trip, unless they called me while I was gone, or happened to be one of the people to whom I bragged about the awesomeness of my weekend.

Once in San Antonio, I went to a Lego convention, on a whim.

As Bjorn pointed out, the initial post was very specific that it was about "training" her husband to sit and stay (or at least to inform her about the minutia of his comings and goings)... As Bjorn pointed out, this reeks of micromanagement.

I recognize that I am fairly introverted and border-line anti-social... but Ljubezen's post made my skin crawl... the thought that I would, as a grown man, need to check-in/get permission to go somewhere/do something gives me the heebie-jeebies.

[Medusa]

Re: THE RANT THREAD!

That's probably why, as you said, you are not married. It's not a bad view to think the way you think. But I'm pretty sure people in a committed relationship want to know where their spouse is when they wake up. That's pretty normal.

Both you and Bjorn are very free in your ways. Which is why I'm not arguing you are wrong. I'm saying, you probably can't really get what that feels like (and that's not an insult). I know what it feels like. It's terrifying. It's just another point of view who counters it's not being cringe worthy.

[Willow]

Re: THE RANT THREAD!

Wow, I should have started a debate thread. o.0

Pecker shears would probably be the most efficient. Otherwise, I'd guess that beer, food, and/or sex would be tied for a distant second choice.

Though, gamers would likely appreciate a game subscription just as much.

My bet is on the shaft snipper, though.

Just saying'.

I like it, though I've recently found he's a major fan of pita bread. Even after he stated multiple times that he didn't like it.. until I gave him one. haha

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Seeing as how it's a rant thread, rather than a rant post, I didn't go into detail. He doesn't leave for 10 minutes to put gas in the car, he leaves for between 4-10 hours and generally it's nice to know where he's at. Medusa really covered the reasoning (thanks Medusa!); he has a medical thing that generally needs to be kept an eye on, I like knowing when to start supper, and it's generally an issue when a day you had agreed upon to both be home for begins with being alone with no note and not getting any responses via phone (yes, I did try the phone call/text option).

But hey, to each their own. He knew what he was getting into when he married me, and he's much the same way (we have jealousy/protective issues...). But because we're both about balanced on that scale, it works pretty well for us. I know it wouldn't for a lot of people.

[thalassa]

Re: THE RANT THREAD!

But hey, to each their own.

I think this is pretty standard for a marriage or a long term committed relationship...

Hubby and I would have harsh words if either one of us skipped out without explaination for more than about 20-30 minutes. Its not that we need a dissertation on each other's plans, or to give permission, just a "hey, running to the store" or "I'm headed to the gym" or "Going out with ________". Although, we have kids, so we also get veto power---"Dude, you know its your turn to take Phee to gymnastics" and additive power "while you are at the store, please grab some milk, and maybe hit up the post office to mail that package".

That's not dictating or micromanaging, that is common courtesy when you've chosen to live your life with someone.

When I was single, heck yeah I'd head out of town for the weekend! Even when I was dating...though I'd usually give the person a heads up if I thought they might expect to spend time together. Because its none of their business. But being married is different, particularly with kids. I depend on the hubby and he depends on me to keep things running smoothly at home--that the kids have played outside, that the kids are fed on time (homework is done, during the school year), the groceries are gotten, the plants are watered, the food is cooked, the clothes are washed, the house is clean, the garbage is out, and sanity is still intact for all parties....one of us up and leaving the other without warning to shoulder our responsibilities alone for some sort of joyride is inconsiderate, and its disrespectful. Certainly we are each capable of doing these things alone, but the point of marriage is that its an agreement to share the joys and the burdens of life.

And yeah, someone that does that more than once, particularly knowing how their partner feels, deserves some time in the relationship hot seat.

[ChainLightning]

Re: THE RANT THREAD!

Controlling? Leashing?

It's a marriage. Part of 'love, honor and cherish' is respecting, by showing consideration for, one's other half. The freedom to keep your spouse in the dark, unknowing and afraid, is generally called "divorce". Keeping secrets is a great way to keep a marriage from succeeding. Training is actually an accurate description, in many cases, since the vastest majority of singles seem to be incapable of giving up the behaviors of 'singlehood'. One example: being married and still dating others. Another example: lying or otherwise hiding from your spouse.



Sorry. Pet peeve of mine is the apparent pettiness and disregard that the solemn vows of marriage are often treated with. Marriage is no whim. It is worthy of reverence but it, instead, meets with the same indifference and repulsion as a filthy diaper.


K. I'm done. I just needed to get that off my chest. Nothing to see here.

[Hawkfeathers]

Re: THE RANT THREAD!

This made me remember (I think the popular word now is "trigger") one time when I was married and he went out, taking MY car, and wasn't home in the morning. I had to call a coworker for a ride to work, make up stories, etc.

I had forgotten all about that particular event. Or maybe not.

[volcaniclastic]

Re: THE RANT THREAD!

One example: being married and still dating others.

And what if it is an open relationship? I would marry my spouse because he's my spouse. My partner in life. But he's not my everything, and there are other people out there, and I am explicitly allowed to date others. Does this mean that we should never marry? Does this mean I will be a shitty wife?

And if so, who are you to define what marriage is to me, anyhow? If we defined it by the bible, it's a union between a man and a woman. But women and women and men and men are allowed to marry (as they should) so why not a person who loves multiple people?

It doesn't make the marriage less sacred.

/rant

[Bjorn]

Re: THE RANT THREAD!

Wow, I should have started a debate thread. o.0



I like it, though I've recently found he's a major fan of pita bread. Even after he stated multiple times that he didn't like it.. until I gave him one. haha

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Seeing as how it's a rant thread, rather than a rant post, I didn't go into detail. He doesn't leave for 10 minutes to put gas in the car, he leaves for between 4-10 hours and generally it's nice to know where he's at. Medusa really covered the reasoning (thanks Medusa!); he has a medical thing that generally needs to be kept an eye on, I like knowing when to start supper, and it's generally an issue when a day you had agreed upon to both be home for begins with being alone with no note and not getting any responses via phone (yes, I did try the phone call/text option).

But hey, to each their own. He knew what he was getting into when he married me, and he's much the same way (we have jealousy/protective issues...). But because we're both about balanced on that scale, it works pretty well for us. I know it wouldn't for a lot of people.

I wanted to get home and post to you after I got off work but I forgot until just now: I want you to know that I didn't mean to judge. I really don't think anything differently, I just needed to flex my brain and dig up what I really thought and felt about the situation without it being entirely personal to you, if that makes sense.

Obviously, you're a fecking awesome wife and you've already told him about it once so he needs a good smack

[Willow]

Re: THE RANT THREAD!

I wanted to get home and post to you after I got off work but I forgot until just now: I want you to know that I didn't mean to judge. I really don't think anything differently, I just needed to flex my brain and dig up what I really thought and felt about the situation without it being entirely personal to you, if that makes sense.

Obviously, you're a fecking awesome wife and you've already told him about it once so he needs a good smack

Haha. Don't worry, I didn't read it as being judgey. I'm actually really surprised it got that many responses, but it's neat to see how other people perceive the same situations.

[thalassa]

Re: THE RANT THREAD!

And what if it is an open relationship? I would marry my spouse because he's my spouse. My partner in life. But he's not my everything, and there are other people out there, and I am explicitly allowed to date others. Does this mean that we should never marry? Does this mean I will be a shitty wife?

And if so, who are you to define what marriage is to me, anyhow? If we defined it by the bible, it's a union between a man and a woman. But women and women and men and men are allowed to marry (as they should) so why not a person who loves multiple people?

It doesn't make the marriage less sacred.

/rant

I'm pretty sure that's an honest oversight, I don't ever remember Chain objecting to an open relationship negotiated between two consenting adults (though I could be wrong)--realistically though, I get where he's coming from...an open relationship is not generally the default instance one encounters when someone is married and dating other people. More often its one person's open relationship that they are keeping from the other person. I mean, for ever honestly open and negotiated relationship, if wouldn't surprise me if there are probably about 100 cheaters.

And even in an open relationship, I'd hope there's still enough consideration to let a partner know when one is planning to disappear on them. It there isn't and that's how they roll, thats between them...but if its just one person's thing, that person shouldn't be surprised when their partner moves on.


(not picking on you V, honestly just interested in this convo)

[thalassa]

Re: Expectations in SO Relationships

I moved this because, ya know, its an interesting convo, full of different opinions.

Lets try to keep everything civil!