Expectations in SO Relationships

[Willow]

Re: Expectations in SO Relationships

Hrm, somehow we "started" a thread without trying to. Neat. And I'm still interested in reading it! ^^

[Bjorn]

Re: THE RANT THREAD!

And what if it is an open relationship? I would marry my spouse because he's my spouse. My partner in life. But he's not my everything, and there are other people out there, and I am explicitly allowed to date others. Does this mean that we should never marry? Does this mean I will be a shitty wife?

And if so, who are you to define what marriage is to me, anyhow? If we defined it by the bible, it's a union between a man and a woman. But women and women and men and men are allowed to marry (as they should) so why not a person who loves multiple people?

It doesn't make the marriage less sacred.

/rant

I would say that so long as the open-relationship was established and well-functioning before the marriage was proposed that I agree 100%. Marriage doesn't have to look a certain way for everyone and I think the important thing for whatever type of marriage you're striving for is that everyone goes into it with the same intent: that means that in your case you'd take different vows, not because of the 'sanctity of marriage' or anything like that, but because that's when you lay it out on the line and say it out loud, whatever IT is.

Just because I feel the same way as Chain does not mean that your love is any different, or that your marriage is a sham. Only if you said "I'm gonna be with you and have a traditional marriage as per these traditional vows we just took" and you continued to engage in single behavior would it be a betrayal. I personally am much less loving so if I found out that my partner was interested in other people I would let them go enjoy them without me -- because that's not how *I* roll.

In the end, I don't think it's the expectations themselves but rather agreeing upon them as you realize what you want out of the union.

[ChainLightning]

Re: THE RANT THREAD!

And what if it is an open relationship? I would marry my spouse because he's my spouse. My partner in life. But he's not my everything, and there are other people out there, and I am explicitly allowed to date others. Does this mean that we should never marry? Does this mean I will be a shitty wife?

And if so, who are you to define what marriage is to me, anyhow? If we defined it by the bible, it's a union between a man and a woman. But women and women and men and men are allowed to marry (as they should) so why not a person who loves multiple people?

It doesn't make the marriage less sacred.

/rant

Holy cats!

I'm sorry, V. I wasn't even thinking about open relationships, at all. I mean, in an open relationship, the expectations are obviously different. But those expectations have also been discussed, such that somebody actually getting their panties in a twist over their S.O.'s continuation, in cultivating outside relationships, that they clearly knew about and agreed to, is a whole different ball of wax.

As Thal' indicated, my intention, with that comment, was solely based on the number[?] of cheating m*****f*****s that I have had the displeasure of hearing about. Over and over again, by so many different people. Infidelity in an otherwise monogamous marriage. [Even personal, anecdotal shit was enough for me to focus too narrowly on that "unfaithful" scenario (my ex's other ex-husband... my eldest stepson's ex-wife...).]

Too close to home and too unnerving, so I totally apologize for the blanket statement. I meant no offense!

[Roknrol]

Re: Expectations in SO Relationships

I think that if you're planning on investing that kind of time and energy in a relationship you should be respectful of the other people in the relationship. Having an understanding of what they expect is part of that (is it the sort of relationship/situation that requires a phone call? Is the other person going to care (often they don't)).

My wife and I don't *always* call when we'll be late or when plans have changed, but we usually do. It actually kind of has to be a bigger deal for us to NOT let the other person know.

We look at it this way: In this whole wide world we have one person that will really give a shit whether we die or not. If we're lucky, we find another and marry them.

[B. de Corbin]

Re: Expectations in SO Relationships

Ya'll are thinking of rules & negotiations.

None of that is really necessary - K'Roe & I are together, so we do what we can for each other out of mutual concerns - because she cares for me, and because I care for her.

If she took off for a long time, she knows I'd worry. She calls so I don't.

I do the same for her.

It's polite is all.

- - - Updated - - -

Ya'll are thinking of rules & negotiations.

None of that is really necessary - K'Roe & I are together, so we do what we can for each other out of mutual concerns - because she cares for me, and because I care for her.

If she took off for a long time, she knows I'd worry. She calls so I don't.

I do the same for her.

It's polite is all.

[ChainLightning]

Re: Expectations in SO Relationships

Ya'll are thinking of rules & negotiations.

None of that is really necessary - K'Roe & I are together, so we do what we can for each other out of mutual concerns - because she cares for me, and because I care for her.

If she took off for a long time, she knows I'd worry. She calls so I don't.

I do the same for her.

It's polite is all.

What rules and negotiations?

[ThorsSon]

Re: Expectations in SO Relationships

I hate that this has turned into a thread.

I wish I hadn't contributed... But... since I'm already committed:


Earlier, I said "maybe," but this is DEFINITELY why I'm not married.

I am not interested in having to check in, nor am I interested in keeping track of someone else's whereabouts.

You are free to tie yourselves to others as you see fit... but I'm not interested.

[Medusa]

Re: Expectations in SO Relationships

I hate that this has turned into a thread.

I wish I hadn't contributed... But... since I'm already committed:


Earlier, I said "maybe," but this is DEFINITELY why I'm not married.

I am not interested in having to check in, nor am I interested in keeping track of someone else's whereabouts.

You are free to tie yourselves to others as you see fit... but I'm not interested.

You know I used to feel the same way. I was a free bird. The thought of having to check in felt so...caged. Then I thought about actually loving a person enough to want to spend my entire life with them. And the thought of THEM not letting me know where they were? It would terrify me. It has in the past. To think of losing my entire life just like that. In a heart beat it's over.

I say this remembering watching my mother. When the sherrifs came to tell her my father was dead. He had gone to work and did not return. Dead. And just like that her life was over. Till the day she died, she loved my father. Leash? No. It wasn't a leash. It was a beautiful deep and meaningful thread. Fragile.

[DanieMarie]

Re: THE RANT THREAD!

Wow, I should have started a debate thread. o.0



I like it, though I've recently found he's a major fan of pita bread. Even after he stated multiple times that he didn't like it.. until I gave him one. haha

--------------------------------------------------------
Seeing as how it's a rant thread, rather than a rant post, I didn't go into detail. He doesn't leave for 10 minutes to put gas in the car, he leaves for between 4-10 hours and generally it's nice to know where he's at. Medusa really covered the reasoning (thanks Medusa!); he has a medical thing that generally needs to be kept an eye on, I like knowing when to start supper, and it's generally an issue when a day you had agreed upon to both be home for begins with being alone with no note and not getting any responses via phone (yes, I did try the phone call/text option).

But hey, to each their own. He knew what he was getting into when he married me, and he's much the same way (we have jealousy/protective issues...). But because we're both about balanced on that scale, it works pretty well for us. I know it wouldn't for a lot of people.

I'm with you here. I think it's considerate to let the other person know where you are.

I like to know where my boyfriend is (we live together) when he's going to be gone for several hours. I like to know when he is going to be late as well. Part of that is for planning reasons - if he's going out for the day, I'm usually the one who cooks, so I want to know when I should start dinner. However, he's also a cyclist. He's a safe cyclist, but some drivers on the road are idiots. If he's hours late and doesn't tell me, I start to worry that maybe he got hit by a car or had an accident. I told him that straight up when we first started living together and he started telling me when he's going to be late. I do the same. Sometimes one of us forgets and the other gets upset about it, but mostly we communicate where we are and when we'll be home.

It's one thing to step out to go to the bakery to get bread rolls in the morning - something like that doesn't warrant an explanation. It's another thing to go out for hours and not tell your partner where you are or how long you'll be gone. Being in a committed relationship doesn't mean that you should feel shackled to the other person, but you have responsibilities to that person as well. It's different than when you are single and you can just come and go as you please without it affecting someone else.

[Torey]

Re: Expectations in SO Relationships

You know I used to feel the same way. I was a free bird. The thought of having to check in felt so...caged. Then I thought about actually loving a person enough to want to spend my entire life with them. And the thought of THEM not letting me know where they were? It would terrify me. It has in the past. To think of losing my entire life just like that. In a heart beat it's over.

I say this remembering watching my mother. When the sherrifs came to tell her my father was dead. He had gone to work and did not return. Dead. And just like that her life was over. Till the day she died, she loved my father. Leash? No. It wasn't a leash. It was a beautiful deep and meaningful thread. Fragile.

This pretty much sums up my feelings on the issue.

[Rae'ya]

Re: Expectations in SO Relationships

I think it's just polite and considerate to let your spouse know if you're going to be gone when they wake up, or when they get home, or whatever. It takes two seconds to write a note or send a text message. If that two seconds is going to mean that your partner doesn't worry about you then I absolutely think it's worth it.

It's not about caging, or asking permission, or restricting your freedom... it's about letting them know that you're okay and they don't need to worry.

Personally, I probably check in more than the average person, because it alleviates Torey's actual anxiety-disorder anxieties. If he woke up and I wasn't in the house and hadn't left a note, there would possibly be a crippling panic attack. and so I always check in and let him know where I'm going to be if standard plan changes. It doesn't impact my life at all. It doesn't mean that I can't do things, or can't be spontaneous or have to ask permission. It's just a simple 'hey, my sister came round and we decided to go shopping, I'll see you later'. Two seconds, to save him all that anxiety and worry. It's worth it.

In the vein of Medusa's comments... my best friend found out that her dad had died by watching the news that evening. His car had been hit by a truck on his way to work that morning, and the cops hadn't found his wallet to be able to identify him. They were watching the news as their mum cooked dinner (my friend was four at the time, her brothers were older) and they saw his car on the news, smashed underneath a truck. He was late home, but they just assumed that he was working late. Turns out he'd died twenty minutes after leaving their house that morning. THAT'S why I don't mind checking in. Because when I'm late, Torey knows that it's because I'm stuck at work or decided to drop by my parents', not because I'm lying on a morgue slab somewhere.

[Shahaku]

Re: Expectations in SO Relationships

My husband and I have a 6 mo old, so that does change some things but.. we let each other know what's going on. Communication there is key. If I come home from work and their not here (mind you I get home at midnight) and I haven't heard anything.. Let's just say the freak-out there would be mind-blowing. He's my only husband, she's my only daughter, and with my tubes tied, if anything happened to her.. (which the doctors had to remind me of about a billion times before they let me get my tubes tied) If one of us is going somewhere, we let the other know. We communicate our work schedules. Etc. We always know what's going on with each other. That being said, we aren't trying to control each others actions. My husband might get pissy when I'm going to spend time with my mother, but that's more because he knows what a manipulative b*ch she can be.

When it comes to fidelity, we're in a somewhat open relationship. I don't have any desire to even think about seeing anyone else. I'm borderline asexual and the only reason I'm really interested in sex at all is that I've been with my husband since I was 16 and he's interested. And for awhile there because I wanted to get pregnant. On my husband's side of that spectrum, I don't care if he wants a relationship on the side. We have rules for it (they have to be STD tested, they have to know he's married and staying that way, they can't be entering the relationship with the intention of breaking us up) but otherwise? It's whatever. I don't have a high sex drive, someone else wants to relieve the work load a little? I'm good with that.

[Tylluan Penry]

Re: Expectations in SO Relationships

I not only let my husband know where I'm going to be, I still let my children know. It's not being clingy, it's just taking the precaution that if anyone doesn't make it to where they're going or supposed to be then someone knows quickly and can get to them. We love each other, we don't want to cause - or experience - worry. So we keep in touch. We're not asking permission to do something (that's an entirely different matter) we're just keeping in touch.

We've always been the same.

[Roknrol]

Re: Expectations in SO Relationships

Good point TP - every time my wife and I make a long trip (Boston, Costa Rica, more to come) I make damned sure to call as many family/friends as I can to say goodbye - just because you never know. They thought it was weird at first, but I don't want to be one of those people in a foreign country, unable to speak the language and think, "If only I had had time to tell ________ that _________"...nope...that guy won't be me.

[ChainLightning]

Re: Expectations in SO Relationships

Oh my gawd. Children and other family members. The brings to mind a memory I long to forget.

When my late stepdaughter was about 18 [so, shortly before she was diagnosed with brain cancer and roughly 5 years before she died (from the cancer)], and the associated freedom of doing as she pleased arose, there was an episode that can only be described as nightmarish. She got off work one night but didn't call for a ride, as was the norm.

Since cleaning up after the business day could last anywhere up to two hours or more, it was always a sort of waiting game, for the phone call to go pick her up.

Two hours came and went. Three hours. We called the DQ and got no answer. I drove to the store, fully expecting to find a mangled and naked corpse, laying near the dumpster, or police all over the scene, something. Just fuckin' terrified. She and I had a small disagreement the day before, that still hung in the air between us.

At the DQ, nothing. Nobody around. No sign of anyone or anything. Intensifying the sheer terror of what might have gone wrong. Alone, after closing time, a young woman, small for her age and very attractive, midnight... 1am.

Back at home, no word. Panic is at full throttle. Wife is hysterical. Family is all awake and trying to track down whereabouts, contacts, help and friends. By 7 am, my wife has spoken with numerous hospitals, state and local police. Nobody has slept. The search continues.

And continues.

Just before dinner time, the next evening, the phone rings. We finally get the news.